#kornin

And I just. I always related more to Korn and I loved In as a character, in the show and moreso in this fic. And right now, it feels like I am him. I have never tried to end it all, not actively, but the Thought remains. But i cannot. Because I have a niece and my siblings who care for me. Because I kept pushing difficult thoughts of ending-it-all and I can't do it anymore because now my niece is growing up and if I go away she will notice.

It feels wrong even admitting it because Korn had a traumatic childhood and more traumatic moments in life and mine isnt like that. But he is fifty when he gets the love of his life at 50 and he starts to live again and he loves. He loves so much. And that continues to remain my favorite story because its going through so much trauma and living life and its difficult but he does. He lives.

And at one point he says, directly or indirectly I cannot remember but he says that he will always be sick and it's nobodys fault but he is better. He will have bad days and he will have those panic attacks and breakdowns and absolutely difficult times but he will live. And even before In comes back in his life, he is living. With a few memories and some family but he is living.

I told one of my friends yesterday that its surprising I hadn't had a spiral yet late in the day but there was still time. And that is how I live. Spiral to spiral. But yesterday i spent some time with friends and I was so scared of being obnoxious but I was living and today a friend called and we talked and she just wanted to talk. And that's a very difficult thing to comprehend, that someone just wants to talk to me for no reason. Even if I have people.

edit :

I’m gonna be a mess about this for days

link : https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTYEfEjLe/