#knifeheld

✦  @knifeheld​ asked:  ❛ i.  ask prompt: is Annie prone to jealousy ? how might she handle envious feelings ?  ii.  ask prompt: what are Annie's views on marriage ? does she believe it is something strictly for love, or an institution rooted in business & social benefits ? does she desire or has she desired to be married ? ❜

Difficulty identifying, processing and expressing emotion means Annie often suppresses or hides her feelings, at the risk of them later manifesting as aggression.  While I wouldn’t say she is especially prone to jealousy, the green-eyed monster can certainly make an appearance, and it usually springs from distrust, issues with communication, a sense of loneliness or competition.  Human connection (or lack thereof) almost always lies at its root.

Material possessions aren’t likely to inspire envy in Annie – she is far more inclined to covet human connection.  Even if she didn’t entirely recognise it at the time, she was jealous of the relationship Reiner and Bertholdt fostered after they enlisted with the Cadet Corps, and the fact that they went on to serve in the Survey Corps together.  The bonds between Eren, Armin and Mikasa also enkindled a sense of yearning, and much of her animosity towards Mikasa sprang from jealousy.  Whether their relationship is interpreted to be platonic, romantic or purely mentor-mentee, Eren was someone important to Annie, and a lifeline at a time when she felt incredibly isolated – she didn’t want to be robbed of him, and took umbrage with Mikasa’s perceived overprotectiveness.  Given that it had cost blood, sweat, tears and many years of gruelling training for her to master her father’s martial arts, Annie was also envious of Mikasa’s inherent talent, how effortless she makes every task seem.  Deep down, she admires Mikasa too, but she’s loath to admit it.

As for marriage, that’s something Annie genuinely hasn’t given much thought to.  It isn’t in Gabe’s plan for her, and hasn’t formed any significant part of her understanding of relationships.  Her birth parents weren’t married, her adoptive father raised her alone, and many of the other children she became acquainted with – Bertholdt, Reiner and Pieck, for instance – came from similar backgrounds to her own.  It’s possible there was a certain stability in the Galliard household that could be attributed to being a two-parent family, but I doubt it had much impact on her.

Annie is secretly a romantic at heart, quietly perplexed and enamoured by the concept of love, by the possibility that one person can accept another in spite of their flaws – but she is also a realist, cynical and practical, and she recognises that romance and marriage do not necessarily go hand-in-hand.  To her mind, it is something for other people, whether they choose to embrace it out of love, necessity, or socio-economic benefit.

As for whether she desires to be married herself, there’s the not insignificant fact that she struggles with human connection, trust, and both emotional and physical intimacy.  There’s also the issue of her limited life expectancy since becoming a Warrior and, as uncomfortable as it is, she is essentially chained to her father.  Their relationship is exceedingly unhealthy and marked by abuse and co-dependency.  Anyone who comes close to Annie will be in direct competition with Gabriel for her time and attention, and that man does not like to share.

@knifeheld​ said:  1, 13 & 15 !  (asexuality questionnaire)

1. Is your character sex repulsed, sex neutral or sex favorable? 

This would be a question he doesn’t have the answer to - not one he would feel confident in formulating, at least, because “I wouldn’t know, never tried”. The thought of sex neither repulses nor interests him, not beyond maybe a vague, distant curiosity. The whole ordeal leaves him very much indifferent, without expectations, without any particular desire to be among the initiated. He would fairly confidently say that under particular conditions, he would probably be able to have sex, but he has yet to run into a situation where he might want to; as far as he is concerned, he may very well never experience it, and it would not bother him in the slightest. Even as a young man with a literal countdown on his head, this is not among the experiences he is bitter to know he might be passing out on. 

13. What conflicting thoughts did your character have before they figured out they were asexual? Did they try and experience things they didn’t care for to fit in; such as crushing on people (aka finding them attractive when maybe they didn’t), tried to masturbate etc. 

In his canon verses, Marcel never really had the time to ask himself those questions, to be honest. He was young enough that a lack of interest in girls (or boys) would go relatively unnoticed, although someone observant might have picked up on it in his final two years, maybe - and more importantly, his role as a Warrior never left any space for such considerations. In the span of a few years, he went from child to war machine and literal monster: clearly, he had very different priorities on his mind, especially with his unofficial role of surrogate brotherly figure to the younger Warriors. He never really asked himself those questions, and more importantly, no one else thought to ask him. His parents certainly never did - if any curiosity ever arose, it would have come from his brother or his fellow Warriors, for instance if Porco got curious about those questions as a young teenager, and decided to ask his clueless big brother. The most he might have done would have been to wonder whether or not he had a crush on Pieck or Annie, as he was pretty close to them, before deciding that “nah, probably not” or “that’s not important”. Then came Paradis and his untimely death.

In his canon-divergent verses (aka “Cha is in denial and Marcel totally lived” verses), his time in the 104th definitely was riddled with those questions and considerations he had literally never paid much mind to before. Without the pressure from Marley to focus exclusively on his role as a Warrior and the dehumanising stance behind it preventing him from even asking himself those questions, he was suddenly a fifteen year-old boy surrounded by teenagers (most slightly younger than him) going exactly through the joys and turpitudes of first crushes, first loves, first relationships, etc. Try as he might to tell himself that he is just very focused on their mission, of course he ends up coming to the conclusion that he really isn’t interested in people in that way. If he is completely honest with himself, he might admit that part of him feels a little bit left out, surrounded by those people going through something he is not concerned with - for someone so used to being part of a group, or even leader of a group, this is a very strange and slightly jarring experience for him. It takes him some time to come to terms with the idea that he is not a ‘late bloomer’, but really, genuinely, at his core, not interested. 

As conflicted and puzzled as he may have been, Marcel never felt the need to ‘conform’ and ‘experiment’, confident enough to not force himself into something he doesn’t want. If there ever was peer pressure from his fellow Cadets, he always found ways of dodging the bullet; and by the time he came back to Marley, was more than self-assured enough to know exactly what he wants, or doesn’t want.  

15. How do they feel about flirting? Are they oblivious to it, do they enjoy to flirt themselves or does it make them uncomfortable? 

    ✧   A COMFORTING TOUCH.  ┇ @knifeheld

LIBERIO FALLS AND IT TAKES HER DOWN WITH IT. annie feels pathetic in the smallness it reduces her to, curled up in a feeble attempt to hold herself together. she doesn’t understand why she’s so upset, knowing fully that it was in that very place that she came to be the monster she is today. and yet— the choking sobs won’t leave her, though she has half a mind to muffle the sound by putting her mouth against her arm. 

annie MOURNS not for specific persons or places, but rather for the abstract that she’d promised herself, a delusion of peace held together by a thin, frayed string of misplaced hope. liberio was where she was supposed to land after years of being in flight and astray, the place where she once thought she’d come home hailed as a hero. now, annie only wants to return unknown and anew. she searches and searches inside herself and finds GUILT, malignant and large and all-consuming. 

this is the kind of loss she had inflicted on the walled cities, on the paradisian soldiers that she had seen as nameless, faceless bodies. annie had reduced them just to moving targets in the way of her mission, collateral damage necessary for what must be done. 

footsteps approach, and despite herself, annie raises her eyes, trying for defiance. red-rimmed light gaze meets a dark one, and something shrivels up and drops like a lead ball into the pit of her stomach at the sight of mikasa. she kicks herself internally for not having found a better hiding spot, having allowed herself to be caught and cornered. THERE IS NOWHERE TO RUN OR HIDE, but it feels nothing like when she was scrambling up the wall in desperation, mikasa’s blank stare and steely voice ordering her to fall with a well-placed slice on her fingers. because this time, mikasa did not come to inflict harm or here to rub salt in the wound: instead, she had arrived bearing the mercy that annie knows she does not deserve. 

there’s a shuffle of limbs and she realizes then that mikasa has dropped down to where she sits on the floor. it makes her feel small, like a child, and at the same time, strangely comforted. WARRIOR MEETS SOLDIER, MONSTER MEETS SLAYER: the pride of liberio and the pride of shiganshina. what have they become? both of them have nowhere to return to, hometowns destroyed. even if things are rebuilt, annie knows it will never be the same. such is the nature of war and ruin. still, a hand meets her shoulder, comforting and kind— annie shrinks away from it, but finds herself not wanting to shake it off. the warmth radiating from mikasa’s touch spreads through her, and greedily, annie chases the feeling. 

            ✧  CURSED SUGGESTIONS . ( accepting ! ) ┇ @knifeheld

AND SO THE STORY GOES: MONSTER MEETS BLADE, again and again and again. this time should be no different, annie thinks, but it also feels like uncharted territory filled with delicate vulnerability, as though they are standing on opposite ends of a tightrope looming over a hungry, open flame. she wonders why mikasa had come to her with this, a loaded string of six words said aloud in this ungodly hour of the night. there has to be at least one other soul awake and in close proximity for mikasa to approach, someone who’s more privy to her HURT and who could treat it with the sort of kindness that annie wasn’t entirely sure she could dole out. 

“ maybe you’re just saying what they don’t want to hear, ” she tells mikasa plainly, after drawing in a breath. it’s a rich statement, coming from the person who had made a habit out of raging against what mikasa has to say, routinely tearing into her for the beast of a burden on her shoulders. here in the dim, low-lit area of the mess hall, what is achieved is not quite a truce, but rather a CEASEFIRE. still, it surprises her what she says next, a peeled-back layer of mercy nearly whispered with how small her voice gets: “ that doesn’t mean you’re wrong, though— it just makes you honest. ” 

FAMILIAR TOUCH [one you know from another life?] melancholy has infested REVERIES against her chest / a palpitation to lite up the furnace of a heart / a cage once tied of threads & clay —— clay slipping down your throat, clogging & gagging, you feel such a shiver / it coils & spins / wrapping / tightening till it might snap / the butterflies are still there. BREATHE. her gentleness, it makes you so weak, she could bring you to your knees. a queen that would kneel at her feet / you would worship even the concept of her being / the idea of her, it fills you light [and because of that, you burn] a smile creeps over lips, such a soft expression, it becomes far too rare, nowadays.

your hands come to rest over hers, motion to welcome her closer / body slowly giving in, you lean back / pressing against mikasa as much as she would allow you to. ' good morning. ' joyous cadence hums out of a wide smile, teeth cannot seem to hold it in, you cannot hide such excitement to see her, can you? ' took you long enough to come to see me today. ' teasing, you cannot help it. tsk tsk tsk. ' will you stay longer today? please? it's so boring without you.... '

& STEPS AGAINST RUG.   SKIN TO FABRIC.   OBSIDIAN TO CORNFLOWERS. this passing of glances.   & THIS MOTION CAME WITH A GENTLENESS.  & palm slides along a back  /  palm resting at shoulder blade  /  the sensation was too soft for someone like you - someone so skittish  /   touch,  touch is what causes you to sink  /  to tremble at her touch   /   to wait a little too long to adjust your own hand,   & a little too long to stop trembling.     & sun - flax  crown falls   /  hiding the red in your face. you have not even begun, & yet, you are already flustered.   [ this was kind of awkward. no, you are making it awkward.]    ❛  uhh.  ❛  you mumbled out  /   a puff of a breath will escape that cage / you couldn’t choke it down.  [ historia, frieda would say  :  head up  /  back straight  /  such an improper stance! ]  right.  right.   & you rise  /  a body coming closer ― falling back into position.  

HOWEVER.   so it seems.   YOU ARE AT A STALEMATE.   mikasa.  her posture,  imitates steel  -  a stiff & unmoving posture.  oh,  was she embarrassed too?   no.  not mikasa.     the thought.  a laugh,  some low giggles out.       ❛  hey,  you need to relax a little, mikasa,  you are too stiff. i won’t bite. i promise.  ❛      & instructions were caught between hesitation & that beating tension in your chest, it was a  jovial nervousness for sure.  you were so happy to teach her to dance.  a girlish glee finally peers out.    a wide smile is offered  /  like prior days you spent chatting to her  /  during your little get-togethers.              ❛ the height difference makes this kind of odd huh. ❛

THERE’S BLOOD ON HER TONGUE as she swipes it along her lip, the rust-red of it a familiar, almost friendly taste. mikasa had managed to land a clean hit on her, square on the cheek and grazing past her mouth. it would have been impressive ( because mikasa is good, but not—never as good as her, at least in her specialty of hand-to-hand combat ) if she hadn’t been so consumed by the annoyance towards having to hold herself back in training drills. annie steps forward and wipes her mouth on her shoulder, the cream-coloured cloth coming away stained red.

“ i was saying that you need to hit harder, ” annie says, louder this time as she circles mikasa, steady on her feet. she searches her opponent, sizing her up, brings the image inwards and tries to find a word that could encompass how the other girl makes her feel. her gut cries out envy ( for her skills at the top of their class, for her little found family ), and annie pushes that burning thought as far down as it will go, poising herself for another kick. “ i just swept the floor with eren, i don’t want you to embarrass yourself like he did. ”