do “out & loud“ w/me
for a huge chunk of my life I have been so afraid to be who i am that i never got the chance to learn [ME]. i look around at all the things and people around me. the luxuries, my toddler and newborn. its an amazing feeling. i don't have any regrets, what i have is clarity. as my life flashes before my eyes my vision is no longer blurred. it feels fantastic and sad. it took me 23 years, 8 months and 27 days to finally accept who i am. when i think about it and analyze my life i can attest that … [well, thats going to be a long story including examples.] i do this thing where my life flashes before my eyes and my words go back & forth from one side of the brain to the other, & its this amazing feeling because, well, amazing doesn't seem like a good enough word right now. its exciting, thats what it is. as my words tumble in my brain i cant help but stare out & wait until the words get grounded. until the words begin to steady themselves out. until the words make universal sense. until the words become all-inclusive. until they become a timeless beauty. incapable of EVER tumbling again. thats who i am. i AM loaded with words. with sentiment. with admiration. with pride which i try & hide like it was the last thing i will ever do. & this is where it gets sad. this is where the truth comes out. this is where i cant focus on my words getting grounded but more so i simply feel. i feel from the inside out. i feel myself out. until it sits "right" with me. i am a drama queen that sticks up for people i love & trust me i can love almost anyone. we all know that love is a dangerous thing. i don't give love expecting anything back, consciously. subconsciously, i have this constant idea & belief in my head that we can all come together, one way or another. that all this hate is fucking exhausting. too much to handle. & then i think that maybe I'm just lazy. maybe i don't want to accept the reality of life because it fucks with me every single time. its not right. i stand for whats right. i understand when we’re wrong, but oh do i love it when we’re right. i’m also a “wanna-be know it all” i don’t know shit though. i don’t have the solutions & i do NOT have the energy to figure it out most times. so when i do, pay attention. or don’t. the psychologist in me swears i got ME figured out because it also swears i know people. I DO though! i’ve come across a lot of people. people give me hope. maybe thats a disorder, psychologically speaking of course. FOR SOMEONE WHO FIGHTS FOR WHAT’S RIGHT YET DEFENDS everyone, I WONDER WHATS WRONG. i am always in wonder of ways to cultivate the unity. i see it all the time. the way two people can work together & create greatness. now, i’ll sit here and wait for the universe to send me a sign. even though i know the answer to this. lately, i just want to DO. Do out loud. because i’ve always been so afraid to speak with genuine rawness; right in the moment. Doutloud…do[out]loud…doutloud. excuse me exercising my creativity. k.m.b-r
