#kkubi

# EUNSAKU LAYOUTS !!

Eunbi falls out of love on her seventeenth birthday.

Wait no, hold on, that’s not right. Eunbi falls out of love long before then – before the arguments and the Incident and the angry silence – but this is when it all comes to a head.

She’s sitting in her backyard with Chaeyeon, feet kicking at the dirt as he runs his fingertips up and down her arm. It’s cold, enough that icy residue bites at her bare feet. She’s happy. With Chaeyeon, they’re so often fighting that she’s never really truly contented, but tonight she lets herself enjoy the breeze and look up at the glimmering stars.

She rests her head on Chaeyeon’s shoulder. He pulls her closer and says, “Eunbi, I’m seeing somebody else.”

Two days later, Yujin takes her to a friend’s house party, and Eunbi gets the drunkest she’s ever been. Wasted.

She doesn’t remember much afterwards – only a lot of alcohol, telling a stranger about her relationship problems and crying in a toilet – but she remembers Kang Hyewon cuddling up against her, pressing her lips to Eunbi’s neck, and Eunbi thinking Huh. Maybe.

Yujin dragged her away, of course, said something about Eunbi being too drunk to function, and so Eunbi doesn’t think about it again for a long time.

On Tuesday, Sakura arrives late to homeroom, spills coffee on herself, and only misses being marked absent by a mixture of bribery and intimidation of the homeroom teacher. She’s a sub, anyway; doesn’t care that much about retaining the class’ respect or anything, so it turns out okay.

She’s nearly late to English and next period finds out last minute that she has an AP Algebra test she hasn’t studied for. By lunch, she’s exhausted to the point where she just collapses next to Eunbi at the table and doesn’t say a word.

“Sakura,” says Eunbi. When Sakura doesn’t reply, she pets at her arm. “Sakura. Kkura. Are you okay?”

Sakura grunts.

“Have you had a bad day, sweetheart,” Eunbi says, stroking her head. “Tell momma Eunbi about it.”

“Eunbi unnie, you have no clue how weird that is.”

Eunbi just laughs. “Tell me about it, Kkura.”

Sakura complains for a solid thirty minutes about everything she can think of. Mixing Korean and Japanese words which confused Eunbi a lot but when she runs out of steam Eunbi rubs her back and Sakura blurts out, “AndMinjoobrokeupwithmelastnight.”

Eunbi says, “Oh.”

Sakura says, “Yep.”

Eunbi seems a little lost for words. Sakura steals one of Eunbi’s chips, just to be spiteful, and Eunbi says, “But you two were so happy.”

Yeah, of course that’s what Eunbi thinks. But Eunbi didn’t see the way Minjoo looked last night – beautiful, furious, and fucking crushed. “I guess we had different interests.”

“As in?”

“As in I was interested in somebody else.”

Eunbi raises an eyebrow. “You have feelings for somebody else?”

Sakura just shrugs.

“Why didn’t you say anything to me? We’re best friends, Kkura-yah!”

“Because it’s not a big deal,” says Sakura, “and don’t call me Kkura-yah. Let it go.”

Eunbi, to Sakura’s shock, actually drops it – if only temporarily. Eunbi says, “I’m so sorry, Sakura,” and hugs her tight, and then Yujin and Nako and the others suddenly appear, as if beckoned.

“Can we come sit down now,” whines Yena. “Eunbi unnie said we couldn’t.”

Sakura laughs, but it’s a little choked.

“What’s up, Kkura unnie?” Yujin asks, looking concerned.

Sakura tries to say something like It’s fine or Don’t worry about it but the words get stuck in her throat. She grabs her bag and rushes out of the cafeteria, because the worst thing in the world would be for all her friends and schoolmates to see her cry.

She finds her way to the bleachers and collapses down, putting her head in her hands. All she can hear is Minjoo’s I thought you loved me, how could I be so stupid and All this time, you’ve been lying to me? and Sakura’s not all this time, Minjoo-yah, no, please.

Which is a lie, of course. She’s been in love with Eunbi for about three years, and being in love with your straight best friend isn’t something you ever really get over.

Sex is one thing – but emotional infidelity is just as bad, or at least Minjoo seemed to think so. She stormed out of Sakura’s house, so, so angry and so, so sad, and Sakura hadn’t followed her, because there was nothing left she could do or say.

It only takes Eunbi ten minutes to find her, and she suspects the girl gave her a headstart. She doesn’t say anything as she sits beside Sakura. She doesn’t touch her, knows sometimes Sakura doesn’t like to be touched, especially when she’s upset. Sakura’s heart breaks a little and she holds out her hand; Eunbi takes it, knotting their fingers together.

“What happened,” says Eunbi, barely a question.

Sakura just shakes her head and Eunbi sighs, resting her head on Sakura’s shoulder. Sakura can’t stop looking at their hands clutching each other in between them, the paleness of Eunbi against Sakura’s skin, the blue of her veins.

“It will get better,” Eunbi says, because of course she knows.

“I know,” Sakura says, except she doesn’t, she doesn’t know at all.

=====

Sakura plans nothing for her weekend, purely to allocate at least two days to feel sorry for herself. Sakura’s parents are gone for the weekend, and Indra doesn’t live at home anymore, so she has the house all to herself. Of course, it’s about six on Friday night and Sakura is about to order some Yukhoe when the doorbell rings.

Eunbi stands there with a plastic bag of food in one hand and a bottle of Soju in the other. “I thought you could use the company. Also, I convinced a sunbae to buy me some alcohol because you needed it.”

Sakura lets her in, because how can she not, and says, “What food do you want? Wait, let me guess – chicken, you're so boring.”

Eunbi grins. “You know me too well, Kkura.” She lets herself into the kitchen to grab two shot glasses and makes her way upstairs while Sakura orders. She finishes ordering and follows Eunbi upstairs. Eunbi is already organised on the bed with two shots already poured, food spread across the bed, and Netflix on the TV.

“Chicken will be here in twenty,” says Sakura, and she grabs a shot off the bedside table and throws it back without preamble.

Eunbi looks delighted. “I see we’re starting right away.” She downs her own shot and only coughs a little. “I hope you’re ready for a night of fun and adventure because that’s exactly what this is gonna be.”

As it turns out, there isn’t that much adventure – they end up staying in and just watching shitty Netflix movies, because it starts to pour with rain outside and the temperature drops dramatically. She cries about Minjoo for about an hour, talking about their best memories, about finding Minjoo’s clothes everywhere, about Minjoo’s stupid gorgeous face. She loses steam around ten o’clock, when she stops being determinedly sad and starts just being really, really drunk.

Around midnight thunder begins to roll, and Eunbi burrows against Sakura for warmth, cold hands pressed to Sakura’s stomach.

Eunbi says, “I’ve been considering it, you know.”

“Considering what?”

“Girls.”

Sakura’s mind blanks out and she says, “What.”

“There was – Hyewon, last year, or earlier this year, I don’t know, and…” Eunbi brushes her lips against Sakura’s shoulder. “I think I might be bi, you know? Boys are great. Girls are great. Everybody’s great.”

“Have you…”

“No, not yet,” Eunbi says, and then she must be drunker than Sakura thought because she adds, “I was hoping you could show me. Kiss me. Whatever.”

Sakura must also be drunker than she thought, because all she says is, “Okay.”

Eunbi crawls over so she’s straddling Sakura, and Sakura can’t do much but stare up at her, and she’s beautiful. Holy shit, Sakura is so in love with her best friend, and so terrible, and it hurts, and –

Eunbi kisses her.

It’s gentle, at first; unsure. But then Eunbi seems to realise it’s not that different to kissing a guy – just softer, sweeter – and it gets a bit more heated. Sakura manoeuvers them so she’s on top, and Eunbi looks up at Sakura through her eyelashes and fuck. Her lips are all pretty and bruised, and her hair’s a mess. Sakura kisses Eunbi’s neck, with just the hint of teeth, and Eunbi moans.

The world spins a little bit, Sakura thinks holy shit I’m drunk, and she rolls off Eunbi to bury her face in her pillow.

When she turns her head to the side to look at Eunbi, Eunbi is watching her. There’s something in her eyes, something a little adoring that Sakura can’t quite name yet. Sakura clears her throat and says, “So what do you think?”

“Yeah,” Eunbi says a little breathily. “Definitely bisexual.”

=====

It’s a process. They don’t really talk about the kiss again, mostly because Sakura is getting over Minjoo and Eunbi is – well, respecting that. Of course, about a month later, Eunbi rushes to their table at lunch and reveals that she is in love.

“Her name is Chaewon and she’s gorgeous,” Eunbi says. “She’s younger than us and she's a kpop trainee and she said she can help me with auditions if I want to and we can share apartment once I graduated.”

“Are you kidding me?” Nako says, and she takes a swig of her red bull.

Eunbi ignores her. “You should see her, Kkura, she’s so amazing. You have to meet her, seriously – all of you, but especially you, Kkura, because you know how much it means to me what you think.”

Yujin actually facepalms. It’s good to know Sakura has some people on her side.

Two weeks later, Eunbi comes to Sakura’s house sobbing. “She said she’s so sorry, but her friend confessed her love and she’s The One or some shit, how dumb is that? How can you just give somebody up like that?”

“I don’t know, Eunbi unnie,” Sakura says, and tries not to think about the irony. “She doesn’t appreciate how amazing you are.”

Eunbi sighs and hugs Sakura tighter. “This is why I love you, Kkura,” she says, sobs subsiding a little. “Why can’t I just date you? You’d be the perfect girlfriend and you’re already my best friend.”

Sakura says, “Yeah, why not,” and Eunbi doesn’t reply.

When she looks down, Eunbi’s fallen asleep, mouth hanging open.

Sakura sighs.

=====

There isn’t anyone like Chaewon again, but Eunbi tears through men and women like she’s trying to make a point. Not just sex, but she’ll get fantastical crushes for very short periods of time and insist on telling Sakura all about them.

One Saturday night, Sakura gets a message from a very drunk Eunbi.

hys name is Myungsoo and I am in luv

Unnie, go to sleep

I cant sleep hes so pretty Sakura I wanna ruin him

Then go do that, Eunbi unnie, and don’t talk to me about it.

he's so gorgeous Sakura

do you think he likes me

well u don’t know him but if u did

im likeable right

Then, ten minutes later: Kkura ya, do u think im a slut

not just a sex slut but like

an emotional slut

Sakura runs a hand over her face. No, Eunbi-chan you’re fine. But why are you texting me about this?

Bc ur precious to me

And I love u

Like honestly so much babe

More than anybody else

Sakura throws her phone across the room and pulls the covers over her head. She doesn’t fall asleep for a very long time.

=====

Eunbi tries to text her apologising, even if she doesn’t quite know what for. Sakura ignores her all weekend, and goes to the library for lunch on Monday, avoids Eunbi in the hallways. By Tuesday she’s back to normal, joking with Eunbi, and she ignores it when Eunbi tries to ask.

On Tuesday night she goes to the movies with Yujin and Yena, because they’re the only others who enjoy romcom movies just as much as Sakura. They watch something that makes Yena actually cry. Afterwards they get ice cream and walk down the boardwalk, and Yujin says, “Have you considered actually, you know, telling her?”

“She doesn’t –” Sakura hesitates. “She might not exactly be my straight best friend anymore, but she’s still not interested.”

“How do you know that though,” Yujin says, not exactly a question.

Sakura just shrugs, and Yujin sighs. Yena says, “Leave her alone, Yujin,” because they’ve had a kind of bromance ever since Yena cried on Sakura’s shoulder for about four hours about Monty’s ‘stupid ethereal beauty’.

They’re as bad as each other, really.

“It’s okay,” Sakura says. “I’ll get over it.”

Yujin snorts, and she’s right.

She’s right, because Sakura has been in love with Eunbi for years now, and she’s not over it. Sometimes it dulls, like when she was dating Minjoo, but it’s always there. She thinks she’s safe, and then Eunbi is there, kissing Sakura’s cheek and pressing up against Sakura’s side, and Sakura falls in love over and over and over again.

Every time, it hurts even more.

But she’ll get over it. Probably.

Maybe.

*****

The week before Sakura turns eighteen, Eunbi is reunited with Chaeyeon Collins. It’s a bad idea all around – Eunbi’s relationship with Chaeyeon was unhealthy at best, generally toxic. They go out, and it’s not a date, except Chaeyeon confesses his love for her and says he’s no longer with that girl.

The next day, Eunbi doesn’t touch her lunch at all, the word maybe hidden somewhere beneath her tongue. Sakura can hear it.

Sakura catches her after their last period walking towards an unfamiliar silver car. After a second glance she realises it’s Chaeyeon in the driver’s seat. She says, “Eunbi, no.”

“Sakura,” Eunbi says, and her eyes are pleading, like she’s preparing for a fight that hasn’t even started yet. “I still love him.”

“No, you don’t. You just think you do.”

“It will be different this time, you don’t get it.”

“Things like that don’t change, Eunbi.”

“You –”

Eunbi stops, looking at something over Sakura’s shoulder. Sakura follows her gaze just in time to see another girl, a year above them, get into the passenger seat of Chaeyeon’s car. She’s pretty and blonde and so Eunbi, and it makes Sakura sick to her stomach to see it. Chaeyeon pulls out of the parking space and they’re gone in the blink of an eye.

Eunbi swallows. “Don’t,” she says.

“Eunbi.”

“Don’t, please.” She’s crying now. “I can’t take it. I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry. I’m a mess, I know it, but you should have let me go, I could have confronted him –”

“Chaeyeon’s not worth it, Eunbi,” says Sakura, gently as she can. “I couldn’t let you do that.”

“Maybe it wasn’t your choice to make,” Eunbi says, and she sounds angry. “Maybe I need to make my own mistakes. You’re my best friend, Lex, not my girlfriend.”

And wow, the words are like a slap to the face. Eunbi couldn’t have made it hurt more if she’d actually tried, and she looks immediately contrite when she sees the look on Sakura’s face.

“You’re right,” snaps Sakura, “I’m not your girlfriend. I’m just that girl who happens to be in love with you.”

She doesn’t give Eunbi a chance to reply, turning on her heel and rushing off to the bus stop. It would have been more dramatic if, you know, she could drive theatrically away. Instead she just stands at the bus stop as it begins to rain and lets out a choked sob that has passersby staring at her weirdly.

She manages to hold it together until she’s inside her empty house, and then she slides down with her back against the front door and drops her face into her hands.

Her phone buzzes, and she turns it off.

You should have let me go, she hears Eunbi say.

Sakura runs a hand over her face and begins to cry.

*****

She doesn’t go to school the next day, and then it’s the weekend, and she doesn’t see anybody for two days. Sunday morning Yena comes over with Yujin and Raven, and they don’t talk about it, just watch trashy television until Sakura feels a little bit better.

The pit in her stomach returns the second they leave, though.

The doorbell rings around five, when Sakura’s making dinner. She considers ignoring it, but eventually sighs, turning off the stove and walking to the door. She knows who it is even before she opens it.

“Sakura,” says Eunbi, and she looks surprised, like she wasn’t quite expecting Sakura to answer.

“Yep,” Sakura confirms, but she doesn’t move out of the way. “What do you want?”

“I’m sorry,” she blurts out. “I was angry at Chaeyeon and I wanted something like that again, you have to understand, and I didn’t mean to push you. If I’d known, I wouldn’t have – if I had any idea of your feelings, I wouldn’t have said something so horrible, God, I’m such a terrible person.”

“I’m inclined to agree.”

Eunbi laughs a little, and her eyes are watery. “You’d be right, definitely, you’d be so right.”

Sakura sighs and steps out of the way. “Come on then.”

Eunbi moves past her into the house cautiously, like she’s half-expecting Sakura to suddenly change her mind. Sakura walks back into the kitchen, expecting Eunbi to follow her. She’s right. She finishes dinner in silence and plates enough up for both of them. They eat quietly, with the soft sound of the TV in the background.

After that they move to the sofa, and Sakura sits pointedly on the other end of the couch. Eunbi keeps looking at her like a wounded animal, but Sakura refuses to give in so easily. She’s – she’s not just angry, she’s tired, too.

“Minjoo broke up with me because of you,” Sakura says eventually.

Eunbi turns her sad eyes to Sakura and says, “I thought so – well, I didn’t think so, but I’ve been thinking about it a lot and I wondered. Like, this last couple of days. I always wondered but I never – yeah.”

Sakura snorts. “Okay, Miss AP English.”

Eunbi makes a move as if to punch her jokingly in the shoulder, then pulls her hand back as if burned. Sakura feels a little guilty, seeing her so hesitant. Sakura holds out her hand, and Eunbi hooks her fingers through hers, just like that day.

“So, this past weekend, I’ve been thinking,” begins Eunbi.

“This doesn’t have to change things,” Sakura interupts, and Eunbi kisses her.

Sakura doesn’t kiss back at first, too shocked, frozen. Just when Eunbi is about to pull back, Sakura pulls her back in. The kiss is all teeth, furious and a little desperate, but it gets gentler, softer.

They separate, and Eunbi says, “In case you didn’t realise, I’m kind of in love with you too.”

“You realised that just this weekend?”

“Not all of us can be as self-aware as you,” Eunbi says. She swallows. “I always knew that. There was. Something. How could I not? But I didn’t want to face it.”

“You’re what? Ashamed?” The words come out a little sharp.

Eunbi shakes her head. “No, no, of course not. I was – scared. I knew you were out of my league. I didn’t think I stood a chance, so I ignored it. I mean, I considered it briefly, and then there was Minjoo and…I don’t know.”

“You’re an idiot,” Sakura says frankly.

“Yeah, I know.” Eunbi looks up at her hopefully. “I don’t suppose kissing is a thing that there will be a repeat of?”

Sakura snorts and pulls Eunbi in again.

“Happy birthday,” Eunbi murmurs against her lips, and Sakura just laughs.

*****

Sakura falls in love on her eighteen birthday.

Okay, that’s not quite right – she falls in love the second she meets Kwon Eunbi, but it’s the day Kwon Eunbi says she loves her back.

“I kind of love you a ridiculous amount,” says Eunbi, pressing kisses into Sakura’s skin. “It’s awful.”

“Yeah, you’re right,” Sakura says. “That’s pretty embarrassing.”