#kitty's!!asks

I always love hearing from you, thanks like always!!

of course, and welcome back to the blog.

this is a very good question, and one that i've actually asked myself quite a few times. it really depends on the stage of obsession, individual, and what the bad trait is. if it happens very early on, before the obsession really digs in, even the most basic thing could turn me away. by basic it could be a word they used, liking the "wrong" thing (not sharing preferences), or simply saying hi to someone i don't like. stuff like that. admittedly, some of that might be a result of ocd and mental contamination, but it becomes a bit less harsh with someone i've already latched on to.

on that note, i've been thinking about how people i'm attached to are kind of like anti-contaminants. it's as if everything they touch turns to gold. something that could've been just a pen–or even a scrap of paper–on the ground is suddenly important if they're the one that dropped it. this perspective may or may not be responsible for a few collections ^^"\

point being, something i wouldn't otherwise care for can become everything when it relates to the individual. which applies to more than just objects, expanding to their characteristics as well. in my last post, i mentioned my friend at age 16 who wasn't the best person. there's a lot of things about them that i otherwise would've been put off by. instead, i found myself essentially idealising it. it reminds me of them, so it must be good, right?

i have had some obsessions where i find something distasteful about the person and was able to see it as it was. which is interesting, because in most cases i either become entirely averse or, as you put it, find them endearing in their own way. there's typically not a lot of in between, especially the less close i am to them.

there are definitely some things that i could never appreciate in anyone, however. there's a difference between imperfections and serious issues. i can't really uphold even my most involved obsessions if the person is bigoted.

when i become averse to a person, it's either a small blip before i adore them again or it all comes crashing down. at this point, i despise everything about them and want nothing to do with them. if i did hold onto anything from them, it suddenly feels useless or even wasteful. it's as if i never liked them to begin with, and it becomes difficult for me to remember why i ever did. it can even become completely neutral, but this usually isn't immediate and tends to have a period of hatred before it settles.

all of this can also vary on why i became obsessed with someone to begin with. was it based off of a particular interaction or event? do i happen to like a lot of their traits? did i know them personally or passively? how are they present in my life?

when it's based off a specific instance, or it's someone i only know passively, that's when my obsessions are the by far most volatile. obsessing over traits or anything more related to the actual person is the most invariable. it can also be the most devastating loss, as it's the most personal one. one notable difference is that obsessions of people i know passively tend to be platonic while people i know personally can be (but aren't inherently) more romantic.

I was curious where you got the phrase lichen, on a light hearted note, and on a heavier note I was wondering when you first noticed you had like really really strong obsessive feelings. I might have already asked, feel free to ignore if I did! For me I noticed right when I got my first best friend.

oh, hi! it's been a while, but i still recognise you :]

the first question is pretty simple; i've always liked the word lichen, as well as some other terms for plants. there's something fun and nostalgic about them to me. i wanted a code term that was distinct, and considering how rarely i hear lichen mentioned i thought it was a good fit.

as for the second question, i touched on my history of obsession in this post here. when i started to make friends, i always wanted to be their favourite, if not only, friend. although, it wasn't until a particular friend i had around 9 years old that i realised how deep that ran. before, i simply lost friends to circumstance, namely moving houses or schools. with my friend at 9 years old, however, they stopped hanging out with me in favour of another group while we still attended the same school. there was something so much harsher about watching someone choose to not be my friend anymore. i did all i could to cling onto them, up until i moved schools again, to the point that my other friends started to give up on me too. it was all i really cared about at the time. it was this experience where i realised i was an obsessive friend. i was somewhat aware of it sooner, but i think this was when it fully clicked for me.

additionally, it had a friend at 16 that really made it obvious to me. the term acquaintance might be more accurate than friend, but it was actually them initiating interactions that made me start to really notice them. i knew they weren't the best person, but i didn't care. all i wanted was for them to be in my life, even passively. i became fixated on this person and idolised them. as it got worse, i noticed that i had always been like this towards certain people in my life. i was already aware that i was obsessive, but this was the point where i began to accept it in a new way. this is how i ended up on yanblr, actually. i saw people like me on tumblr and decided to make an account.

this is a question i've always struggled with. for a long time, i wasn't sure if a relationship was the right thing for me. not all of my obsessions are people i'd be happy to be with, actually. it's quite difficult to find someone that i would be. i've dealt with a fair amount of questioning if i'm arospec since i didn't especially want to date anyone; i just wanted to be good friends if anything. imagining my future was usually just a loose concept of "i'd want to be roommates with a close friend", but not having a particular friend in mind. i knew it'd be more financially manageable and that was really the only reason i had. i'm not particularly fond of sharing my space, honestly.

i wasn't sure i could be genuinely happy with another person. when i tried to define what a relationship even means, i always thought of it as individuals that support one another and that you could grow as a person with. it wasn't really different from my meaning of friendship, so why bother with that distinction? pretty much everyone that wanted to be anything other than platonic was never healthy to be around anyway. however, it turns out that a relationship doesn't have to be something that makes me feel lost or miserable. who would've guessed? it is possible for me care for someone romantically, albeit rarely.

marriage feels more like an expectation than something i actively want, and the idea of it is definitely something i'd have to warm up to. i'd need to know someone very well and for years before considering going through with marrying them. legally binding myself to someone isn't something i can be flippant about. there's a lot of other steps that come before it and i'd rather figure things out as they go. planning ahead is good to do, of course, but it's also important to respect the flow of things instead of trying to force it onto a certain path. a little flexibility is worth having.

on a simpler note: i've always had an appreciation for the idea of moving to the woods and living there. i prefer colder and more forested areas. it'd be nice to be further from too many people but still have someone's company i do enjoy around. i'm very fond of cats, so i'd like to have one or a few. no dogs or kids, though. i strongly don't care for either. if i were to share a future with someone, especially romantically, this is generally how i would want it to be.

i already had some experience with sewing and i've made an original pattern once before. it struck me that i could use this to make my own mini-beloved, so i did. i studied patterns for what i was going for. i prefer the rag-doll look, which is nice to work with since it reduces the perfectionism i have with my work a ton.

it took a lot of math to get my pattern right, since i had to make sure every seam would line up and have the volume i intended. i've had to adjust it each time i've made something new, but it's getting better! it's possible to find stuff online if you want, but i wanted to make mine from scratch since it felt more personal.

i personally opt for hand-sewing if i can, which helps with certain details. the whip stitch isn't the strongest, but it's my go-to. you can go over it the opposite way to reinforce it. a decent alternative is the blanket stitch, but i don't use that very much. i probably should, honestly. if you want to attach hair, i use yarn with a backstitch to hold it in place. these usually take a month for me to complete, and maybe a month's break too. my hands get quite sore, but it's worth it to me.

writing everything down has been a big part of how i cope, you're certainly right about that. it's a little ironic considering how i never really understood how journalling could be helpful, but i suppose it was a matter of how it was presented. i never really cared for prompts or rules around it, since that made it feel more like a task than an outlet. i did like making poetry, however. that's actually how i started out. i preferred the almost theatrical nature of it. eventually i just started writing things down as they were, making notes of what was happening or the thoughts i was having.

admittedly, that was mostly to keep track of details and events. i have a strong tendency to try to preserve things, which moved onto memories and that presented through transcribing. this was helpful in some ways and harmful in others. it got quite excessive after a while, to the point that i would only pause if i absolutely had to. it did help with processing, and while trying to find words for certain things it gave me a chance to reflect on my own feelings towards it all. i think writing can be really good if done in moderation.

this blog is kind of a blend between poetry and standard writing for me. i'll put down thoughts i'm dealing with and focus on the way it feels. from there i tend to characterise it. find a flow or order, maybe imply a story. if it's not directly reflective of something in reality, it's reflective of a more internal sense of it. i wouldn't actually kill anyone, for example, but i may make a post about doing so to deal with those sorts of thoughts.

in a way, that's helped me practise perspective. this is a little more difficult to explain, but it's part of how i keep my feelings in check. writing is just processing, but to stop and consider the sides of things can help a ton. finding balance is key. it's easy for me to get stuck between idolising or devaluing others, especially the more conscious i am of them. so i remind myself that the person in question has flaws alongside their positive qualities. or vice versa, depending on what side i'm leaning too far into. they're human, after all; neither perfect or substandard.

however, actually finding balance with that can be really tricky. it can be easy to go too far one way or another. that can work to an advantage at times, though. focusing on things i dislike about someone can help prevent and/or end an obsession, or even regulate one. it all depends. point is, to recognise the imperfections of an individual can keep me from glorifying them too much.

one of the main ways i've been able to deal with everything is finding a more symbolic way to encapsulate it. i like to make characters representative of people, for example. one distinction worth noting is i try to make it very non-literal, so i'll take aspects of how someone is or what they like and make something from that. i try to avoid making it an exact replicate of them to create somewhat of a division. it's still them, but metaphorically.

the way this helps is giving me somewhere to redirect those feelings. creative outlets are great in this sense! i draw a lot, and i'll often focus on the character i've made. it works for what words wouldn't and when i need something other than writing. it can even assist with subtlety, since there's less risk getting caught if everything is represented through that character. its appearance and name are different enough to be not be easily recognised.

another thing i've done is make dolls using these characters. i have my own pattern that i designed so that i can bring them to life. it's like being able to have the person to myself without genuinely trapping them. since i've created an association between the design and the individual, it can be comforting to simply have the doll around. i can even hold it to feign some control over the more protective or possessive feelings.

additionally, i create symbols (or sigils, if you will) typically made from the person's name. taking core elements from the shape of the letters and merging them together into its own unique shape. i'll write it down whenever i'm feeling intensely, or whenever i feel the need to. it can help me feel more connected with someone without actually forcing it. major bonus, it keeps me from writing a person's name too excessively or blatantly. there was a point a friend noticed one of my symbols but didn't think much of it. if it had been the name it represented, that would've turned out much differently.

i haven't really been sure how to answer this. i got this ask during an emotionally difficult time so everything seemed very sour. that happens easily, where the things i cherish most suddenly seem like a way of mocking where i am now. even then, i wouldn't change everything about them.

some of the memories i value most are the ones where i make a difference for the better in other people's lives, and when i can connect to them in ways that we struggle to find in any other corner of life. that way, even if things go poorly for me, i know that something positive still came from it. that maybe what hurts me might be solace to someone else. it's easier to accept in a way than something that hurts everyone.

all of this to say that every situation is complex and has give and take, which definitely applies to the best parts of my life as well. i think if i really had to pinpoint a specific moment, it'd be the day i befriended the person who inspired me to be where i am today. all the simple things that showed me something worth striving for, and how i gained acceptance when i felt like i least deserved it. one thing that stands out from then is how i gave them a tissue that night, and how they later told me that it showed them that i was kind even in the moments they thought they were gross.

that's ultimately what i want to be for people. i didn't expect it to be reciprocated, especially since we'd only just met, but that person has become one of my biggest supports and i hold onto all the small things that got me here. before then i had been in the most isolated point of my life in years, and i never expected to find myself taken from that so soon. it just goes to show that there's hope in ways you can't predict. it all happened because of chance; i would've never been there had it not been for an unlikely lineup.

i realise a lot of this is vague but it's hard for me to call out just one thing and i'd want to do things justice if i really talked about them. not to mention my memory's been sort of fuzzy lately. some of my other asks touch on things i'd say fall into this, at least.