#kitty's!!anons

i haven't really been sure how to answer this. i got this ask during an emotionally difficult time so everything seemed very sour. that happens easily, where the things i cherish most suddenly seem like a way of mocking where i am now. even then, i wouldn't change everything about them.

some of the memories i value most are the ones where i make a difference for the better in other people's lives, and when i can connect to them in ways that we struggle to find in any other corner of life. that way, even if things go poorly for me, i know that something positive still came from it. that maybe what hurts me might be solace to someone else. it's easier to accept in a way than something that hurts everyone.

all of this to say that every situation is complex and has give and take, which definitely applies to the best parts of my life as well. i think if i really had to pinpoint a specific moment, it'd be the day i befriended the person who inspired me to be where i am today. all the simple things that showed me something worth striving for, and how i gained acceptance when i felt like i least deserved it. one thing that stands out from then is how i gave them a tissue that night, and how they later told me that it showed them that i was kind even in the moments they thought they were gross.

that's ultimately what i want to be for people. i didn't expect it to be reciprocated, especially since we'd only just met, but that person has become one of my biggest supports and i hold onto all the small things that got me here. before then i had been in the most isolated point of my life in years, and i never expected to find myself taken from that so soon. it just goes to show that there's hope in ways you can't predict. it all happened because of chance; i would've never been there had it not been for an unlikely lineup.

i realise a lot of this is vague but it's hard for me to call out just one thing and i'd want to do things justice if i really talked about them. not to mention my memory's been sort of fuzzy lately. some of my other asks touch on things i'd say fall into this, at least.

Here I am practicing what I preach, trying to show that I am not overly obsessed with you and your blog taking a several day long break. You can decide if coming back means anything in that realm or not I suppose. Hope you’ve been well since we last spoke.

Dissociating is really rough for sure. I feel like it combines with my imposter syndrome as well. So I’m left feeling like I really wasn’t a part of whatever I’m being praised for (whenever I get praise haha…).

I wish my pollen symptoms were that weak haha. But in return I guess my reaction to sweat is a lot more positive. Bugs still give me the big ick though. Damp clothes, if I feel like I accomplished something kind of feel rewarding? I think pain sometimes gives me something as an indicator that I succeeded.

I respect how you think of hiking. Honestly how I think of hiking is probably a microcosm of how I think of life and other things in general. If it’s not a “big success” with grandeur than it’s not so big a deal. I’m glad you can find joy in exploring like that.

oh, it still counts; i never said otherwise. it's just that if it's not mutual it's more just basic expression than it is true understanding of one another's statements. you can still get by, of course. my point was simply that without clarity, everything said must be taken at face value, however the other person interprets it.

honestly, the fact that you feel the need to intentionally prove yourself by taking a break and making a point of it when you do come back says a lot. what exactly are you trying to preach again? is the idea that you can go without checking in constantly and therefore you're not obsessed? i ask genuinely because it's implied that it's something that you have to refrain from.

there's a lot that can coincide with dissociation. no matter what, it's disorienting throughout and by the end of it. anything it pairs with just seems to make that worse.

i used to get sick every spring, but that's eventually gotten better and now it's just mild discomfort. i got lucky with that. i can still see your perspective as far as sweat being a result of an accomplishment, but i don't fully relate. it's not usually the case for me because i'm often just trying to get between places. even if i accomplished something, sweat just reminds me of how much energy i spent and how tired i am now. not to mention having to still put stuff away and sort myself before i can take a proper break.

Hope you’ve been well since we last talked as always. That’s fair, we all have different ways of enjoying (or hating) the seasons. I personally like sweating and tanning, though the bugs do admittedly suck. Pollen at least doesn’t usually bother me much by now, it’s really spring that does me in.

Hiking is lots of fun as well! I really enjoy walks, and the reward of a usually cool view at the end is really nice. Nature itself is really interesting to traverse. Exploration is a really interesting track that take with hiking in mind. I think I don’t look at it that way because trails are usually laid out beforehand but I really wish I could look at it that way. I like exploring too, but I only really feel it when I go off trail or just transverse the wild.

can you truly communicate without clarity? at that point you're just talking to someone, not with them.

dissociating isn't something anyone seems to consider a good feeling. it's pretty common for that to be in line with traumatic memories resurfacing too, so no wonder it'd have a negative association. sometimes i'll dissociate for days on end, so it being tied to flashbacks of any sort kind of dies out after a while. it might have a link, but wouldn't be constant. it depends.

pollen isn't normally that bad for me, even in spring (though it is worse); i just don't like too much of it in the air as it leaves me with minor headaches. needless to say i'm not a fan of that. same for the rest, really. sweating, tanning, bugs...none of that sounds good to me. i don't like being stuck in damp clothes, feeling my skin crawl and having to guess if it's just sweat or a bug, nor having to worry about whether something's wrong with my skin every time i go out. either i burn or i get covered in bites, both being a nuisance and discomfort for the following week.

Yeah, I thought you were being a bit vague but that’s well within your right. It is a deeply personal subject. Thanks you for still continuing to elaborate a bit. Delusions can be very dangerous, though I’ve honestly not headed in that way myself. I’m more aware of my foibles (usually), and so end up watching myself descend sometimes. Both helpful and makes it a lot worse I feel.

But still, that’s a huge step. Knowing that distance is required in relationships for both ends is not easily understood I feel, even without obsessive tendencies.

On a slightly more fun note, during the summer what’s your favorite location to visit? Beaches are my favorite personally.

i see, that makes more sense. i had the general idea but was unsure exactly what you meant by those parts, thank you for reiterating.

i mean, i was aware i was falling into delusional territory, but once you start falling into that it can be difficult to avoid or get back out of. it was almost like i was living in the third person, if that makes sense. or maybe autopilot. either way, i didn't really feel in control.

that might've been part of what helped me progress, in an ironic way. it was a huge step back that allowed for a huge step forward. in other words, i learned the hard way that everything i thought and did during that time was opposite of what i should've been doing. it's been much easier to establish the necessary distance since then. you're definitely right about how that's not easily understood regardless of tendencies. i'd argue that the fact that it's something i struggle with is what makes me that much more conscious of and concerned about it.

Anyway, yeah, I might have to detach a bit. But generally my coping mechanism is that even if I do obsess over something I “burn” myself through it. Short and intense and then it never quite leaves me but I stop obsessing over it as much. Applies to interests in pretty much all things. I haven’t reached that level with your blog at least yet, and might never need to either. It was more a necessity at my worst.

Yeah, non linear growth is basically the stablest growth. Since even if it’s not consistently forward, even the step backs can be considered part of it in that view. I was more asking about specific things you’d felt you’d improved on through this blog, but that was a very descriptive answer as well.

i suppose i can relate to burning through something. where it's intense at first but eventually dies down, even if not entirely. although i'm not sure whether "that level" refers to that intensity existing to begin with or being at a point where it's settled. do you mind elaborating on what you mean by necessity?

i'll admit i gave you a vague response intentionally. there's a lot that goes into what this blog is and the specifics can be personal. i can't give my blog full credit for my improvement either, though it has acted as an aid.

Yeah, things are looking up but it was rough for a bit. And hmm, yeah I guess it’s investing. One, I have my own obsessive tendencies and will continue looking at something or someone past the point I should sometimes. Second I find the content posted interesting. And I also like seeing you improve.

If my encouragement means anything then you have it. You seem remarkably self sustained in this effort though, which once again impressive. I’m curious how you can tell/what you have improved from since we talked last.

there are always tells and consistencies to look out for. some are more obvious than others. all factors considered, it was an easy guess.

it sounds like you're making progress as well. sometimes you can't prevent bad situations from happening, but that doesn't mean things will be bad forever. also: from your wording, it sounds as if your obsessive tendencies may be feeding into checking my blog. that's definitely something to be careful with as i know how easily that sort of thing can get out of hand.