You were close to Tikany, just a few more small cities and you would reach the capital of the South, Rin’s hometown. It was getting more and more exhausting with each day passing by, sure you were having victories over victories against the Federation, yet there was something off, an unsettling atmosphere you were all able to feel. Every time you were discussing plans with Rin, Kitay and Souji there were new arguments; Rin was on edge for every single word said, Kitay was always trying to make her reasoning and not start an internal fight, you were mediating Souji’s advices struggling with diplomacy, while the latest appeared to be satisfied with causing troubles and making you all nervous, and you were the one who had to deal with his smug arrogance, while on the other side Kitay tried to deal with Rin’s temperament. 

Today was another one of those awful meetings. 

Rin was furious, yelling at Souji while he laid back in his seat relaxed, smiling almost pleased with that outcome. You shot a glance at Kitay, your relationship has always been deep, you were able to understand each other without the need of words, he knew you like his own skin and the same was for you, so you immediately understood what you needed to do. Taking away Souji and trying to keep his favour and alliance, while he tried to make Rin calm down. 

You nodded slightly to let Kitay know you were fine with the plan and hurried to take Souji's wrist. 

“We’re going outside to let you figure it out undisturbed” 

It wasn’t something new, you had done it multiple times, it was your main role to maintain alliances and work on diplomacy, in the group you were the most skilled in, yet you could sense that something was off. 

Kitay’s eyes darted between you and Souji, brows frowned and jaw tightened, you shot a questioning look at him, hand loosening slightly the grip on the wrist, not understanding his sudden change. 

“Are you bothered, Kitay?” Souji inquired, smile bright on his lips as his hand interlocked with yours, leaving you confused by his abrupt fondness. 

“No, I assume I’m not, you can go” Kitay sounded unsure, but you had no time to question him and it wasn’t even the right moment to do it, so his words should have been enough for now, you could have settled things later. 

You felt Souji tugging you along, leading outside, while you crossed your gaze with Kitay one last time before he turned his attention to Rin and you went outside, his look still unsettled and thoughtful, shoulders tense and lips tight, like he was forcing himself to not act on impulse. 

It was strange and what was worse was that Kitay rarely was wrong. 

You felt uneasy, immediately every feeling seemed to be amplified, you tensed, aware of the strong hold Souji’s hand had on yours, the silence was loud in your ears, as your steps were the only sound around, your breath grew heavier, your eyes darted around even if you weren’t sure what you were looking for. 

It was too calm, and that was never good, not for your senses used to constant battles. 

“You know, sometimes your friends are really bothering” Souji broke the silence with an overly coated voice "Especially Kitay, a mediocre strategist if I dare, I don’t know why you keep him in the team.” 

“Kitay is a good strategist and friend” You asserted, irritation burning at the pit of your stomach, while you attempted a stretched smile. You took a deep breath, diplomacy, you had to remind yourself, you were here to keep good relations with Souji, he was fundamental for your campaign in the South. 

“Friend you said?” You turned to him confused, the smile was even brighter than before on his face, eyes mischievous and his voice seemed pleased. 

“Yes, friend” It wasn’t a lie, he was a good friend, but it wasn’t even the whole truth and you didn’t like how he was questioning your relationship with Kitay. It was something intimate, you never figured it out loud together, it was something deep, something just between the two of you and you didn’t want to explain it to a near stranger. 

You tensed up something was off, really off, but you couldn’t really tell what. It was silent, too silent, no one was around you, you felt the sudden urge to scream or run away but you couldn’t, not when you had to be pleasant and friendly with him, yet you still tried to pull away, moving toward a more frequented site. 

“What’s wrong? You’re free to have fun, aren’t you?” His grip shot to your wrist holding you closer while his other hand went to your hips pulling you hard closer. It was wrong, really wrong. 

Your senses were on full alert mode, heart thrumming in your ears, eyes looking for a way out, you wanted to react but you were frozen on the spot, and the worst thing was that you knew that feeling, you knew it too damn well, since Golyn Niis. 

“Souji get off” You tried to keep your voice stern, but he only laughed it off. 

“Come on, you need to get some fun” He pulled you closer, you could feel his breath hot on your cheeks. 

“Get the fucking off of me” You repeated, voice firm, as your hand flew to his chest, trying to push him away. 

“You should be more lovely with me, what if I decide to break the alliance?” You stopped in the motion. “You think I didn’t know that? Their little diplomatic, you don’t want to let them down, do you?” 

Your eyes widened, locking with his own and he was smiling charmed by your reaction, you both knew he was right. However you also knew your friends, you had to defend yourself, it was more important than any war plan, they would get it. Your gaze hardened, and you can see the smile on his face faltering. 

“I said” You kicked low and firm, your knee colliding with his weak spot “Get the fuck off” 

Souji bent forward yet his grip didn’t waver, instead he threw you on the ground. 

“You bitch!” Souji's yell broke the silence, yet he wasn’t angry, he was laughing. “You sure have fight in yourself, it would have been wasted on that boy” 

You hated how he was talking about you, and even more how he was talking about Kitay, yet you were frozen on the ground, flashbacks filling up your mind. 

Souji’s voice got lost in the background, while all you could hear were the insults of the Mugenese soldiers, you could feel hands on your body, slaps across your face, all you could see were mutilated bodies, corpses and blood. It was too much, you couldn’t discern real life from the past anymore, voices and hands were mixing together, your body was trembling, curling up on the dirty street, and you felt nauseous, the smell of decomposing bodies and carnage coming back to your senses, everything was confused. 

You felt a hand on your cheek and your first impulse was to scream, your hand flew on him trying to push him away, but his hand remained firm on your face strangely warm and grounding. 

“Look at me, please, you’re safe now” You recognised the voice, it felt safe, your hand stopped as you tried to focus again on the present. 

“It’s fine, just focus on me, I’m right here” Your breath calmed down, still heavy but regular, your body loosen a bit, as your eyes were fixed on the person in front of you. 

“Kitay” You breathed out, his lips curved in a tired smile. 

“Welcome back, you’re safe now” His voice was soft, but his gaze was sorrowful. 

“It was Golyn Niis, I saw them, the bodies, it was—” Your voice trailed off, lost once again in your mind. On the other hand Kitay tensed up, he knew well what you were talking about. 

“You’re here now, we’re here, it all ended” 

“It never ends, it’s always here, in the back of my mind, I can’t run away” 

Your eyes locked together and you knew he could understand your thoughts, he was the only one who always understood you at first glance. 

“I shouldn’t let you go with him” He murmured, placing his arm around your body helping you get up. “Let’s go inside, Venka will take care of him.” He didn’t dare saying Souji’s name, not trusting himself not to go back and continuing to hit him like he was doing just a few minutes ago. 

His body was warm against your own, it was comforting and you could feel yourself slowly grounding back. Kitay always felt safe to you, and now it was the only thing keeping you from breaking down at the weight of your own mind, while he led you steadily through the small alleys, arriving at your quarter. You had to stop mid-walk a few times as you felt retching and threw up, memories still taunting your mind, Kitay keeping you steady until you were feeling good enough to move on.

“We’re here” He spoke softly, breaking the silence between the two of you “Do you want to stay alone?” 

Your gaze shot at him, hand gripping his tunic, panic surging while your body and mind were feeling the need of having him near, having someone who could understand you and you trusted blindly. 

“Stay” His features softened, placing a kiss on your forehead. 

“I’m right here, and I’m not going anywhere unless you ask me to” He guided you inside, reaching your bed, and made you sit down, as he took place next to you, his hand placed on your thigh. 

“I’m sorry, I ruined the only chance for an alliance with the Iron Wolves” You spit out, words sounding stupid when you let them out, but you needed to say that and Kitay didn’t stop you. 

“I tried hard to be pleasant, I wanted to be perfect, but then his hands on my body, his voice, his smile” You had to take a sharp breath, disgusted from the image of him in your head and Kitay had to recall all of his self control to let you continue, he was sure Venka would have done a great work but he wished he was the one taking revenge for once. 

“And it was Golyn Niis again, I saw the carnage, I could hear their screams all over again, and I couldn’t do anything, again. Their eyes on my body, their laughters at the massacred bodies as blood was everywhere and, and the smell, I could still recall the nauseous smell of those corpses” 

You felt his arms around you, taking you in a warm hug, calming your trembling which had started all over again, the fabric covering his shoulders getting wet while tears ran from your eyes without you noticing, his hand keeping you close caressing your nape. 

He let you cry and vent, listening to everything you tried to shut in the back of your mind for so long, flashbacks coming in waves but he was always ready to get you back on the surface, not letting you drown in your own mind. 

“You don’t have to deal with it all by yourself, you know it right?” He sighed and you finally took a look at him. He was evidently tired, eyes red and watery, brows frowned as his grip grew firmer on you, as to underline that he was there with you. 

“Thank you” You murmured, melting in his embrace. 

Chen Kitay.

You sighed. Kitay was probably the one who worried you the most. He wasn’t suffering for Atlan’s death, nor he had God inside his mind to fight, yet he had his own beautiful mind. You were able to see it in his eyes, the few times you get to look at him on the ship’s bridge, when his gaze was lost somewhere else, his brain had to know how many people - innocents, women, children - died on Mugen, and how many more were going to die for this war, deep in his mind he knew this was just the beginning, that thousands of innocents were going to die for what they just did. Of course his mind had already calculated that, and you could see how that knowledge was killing him.

You were close to Kitay at Sinegard, not like him and Rin, but you often studied together, and you grew closer after Rin started taking lore class with Jiang, even more after Golyn Niis, since then you became one of the people he trusted the most. Or so you thought. Until now.

You stared in the dark at the ceiling of your cabin. Kitay hadn’t talked to you since Mugen. To be true he talked to no one. And you were scared for him, you knew how terrifying his mind could be at some times, beautiful yes, but terrifying, and you saw it was killing him.

It took you just a few more seconds to realise you had enough. You remember how he comforted you at Golyn Niis, his face pale, hands trembling, but not breaking down because of you, to protect you, while you were having flashbacks of the massacre, the voices of Mugenese soldiers calling you with loud slurs; you remember how he held you when you felt burned out during exams session at Sinegard, when you had nightmares during the Third Poppy War, when you needed human touch to still feel alive. He had always been there for you. And you need to repay your debt now. You want to. Tears started running down while all you could think was that you wanted your Kitay back, you needed him, and you were damned if you let him destroy himself like this.

You wiped tears off of your face and suddenly jumped off the bed. No, you would have taken him back, no matter what, you could not leave Chen Kitay alone.

The door slammed and you rushed down the narrow corridor to reach his cabin. Deep at night most of the Cike were sound asleep, only the one on the guard shift would have been awake on the ship’s bridge, no one was there to see you hurry to his room, hair messy, eyes wide. It wasn’t hard for you to find his cabin, the ship wasn’t big enough to have that many bedrooms, and you learned where Kitay was staying. Just in case.

Once at his door you stood there, uncertain on what to do next: what if he was asleep? most likely not, you knew he was having trouble getting rest; what if he didn’t want to see you? what if he was angry at you too? what if you weren’t able to help him like he helped you? what would you have done then?

You took a deep breath. In and out. You knocked, quietly. No one answered. You tried again, a bit harder, you hoped not enough to wake him up, but enough to make sure he heard it.

“I already told you, I have nothing to say to you all.” The voice came muffled with the door closed, but still you were able to hear the annoyance in his voice, like he had this conversation multiple times.

You stare at the door. Maybe you should leave. Or maybe he just didn’t want to talk to the Cike, Rin’s soldiers. But you weren’t one of them. You were a soldier of the Empire, you were in the Second division with him, you were his classmate, his friend.

“Kitay, it’s me please…” You muttered, trying to keep your voice still.

You could hear the rustling sound of paper being moved around, his steps and the lock snap, then he opened the door. You two stared at each other, not really knowing what was right to say in a moment like this, so you just took time watching him like it was your first time. His once curly hair was now a shaggy mess on his head, his round eyes and cheekbones accentuated by the side effects of insomnia and poor eating, which was confirmed by heavy dark circles under his eyes and the way the uniform fit oddly loose. You expected him to ask you to go away, however he just stood there, staring like he couldn’t believe you were really at his door.

“May I come in?’” You ask quietly, scared to break that strange calm. He looked taken aback. “Just to talk, if you want to…” You try, deep inside praying he’ll let you in.

Kitay said nothing, he moved to the side and gave a small nod, but that was enough for you. When the door closed a tense silence surrounded the two of you, a silence filled with apprehension and unspoken words. You took a step closer, the cabin was already small enough for you to not be too far, but as you entered he stood next to the door, keeping distance between your bodies; however he didn’t step back, that reassured you a bit and so you took all the courage and worry you had in yourself, placing a hand on his sunken cheek.

“You’re real” He breathed out and, as a spell broke, tears started running down his face as he tugged you in a desperate embrace. “You’re real” he continued muttering, as his hug grew tighter, like he wasn’t able to believe it.

It was hurting you a bit, but you couldn’t be happier in his arms and he felt so alive in that moment, so human, so himself.

“I’m here Kitay, I’m sorry for taking too long…” You wanted to sound steady, but words came out trembling while you were fighting yourself not to cry, chest heavy with regret for not reaching him out before, but now you had to be strong for him.

Once he calms down, you sit on his bed, side to side, like you already did a lot of time before, when you needed each other warm to keep yourselves grounded. However, you knew something was still off “Kitay, please talk to me”. His eyes were lost somewhere else, lost like you had seen him plenty of times after Mugen.

“They were human beings, they were not monsters” He started with a shaky voice “They were innocents, we killed them, and the refugees, the soldiers still in Nikan’s territory, Rin doesn’t want to accept it, but it’s not an end it’s just the start, a lot of people are going to die again and again, I don’t know if I can do this, please, tell me I won’t have to acknowledge something like that again, please” Your heart broke because no, you could not reassure him, you weren’t able to lie straight at him and he already knew the truth, he just didn’t know how to face that.

He continued muttering words, faster and faster, like he couldn’t keep up with his own mind, completely lost in his thoughts, his body shaking violently, and you did the only thing you felt right doing. You hugged him.

His arms closed once again around you making it feel natural, you were able to hear his breath trying to slow down, your smell, your heat, you, was enough to ground him. For now that would have been enough, that was the only thing existing in the world for the two of you now.

Time passed and sleep had always been easier to get when you were together, so you slowly started slipping into unconsciousness, one in each other's arms.

“Thank you” You heard Kitay whisper, you just smiled and hugged him tighter, pressing your face closer to his chest feeling his heartbeat spike up, probably not expecting you to be still awake. He just leaned into you and that was enough for you, because with Chen Kitay you didn’t need words, you could feel it from how he was keeping you close, his hand stroking your back, his face buried in your hair and lips pressing lightly on your forehead.

That was enough because you both knew the meaning of that.