#kirk rants

Attraction! As in, how Kirk feels about people and the levels of intimacy in those feels!

Seriously, turn back now before you know how I feel about a lot of things, especially about myself, and not necessarily all good.

Here's the deal: throughout elementary school, junior high, and the first year of high school, I had a lot of unhealthy crushes. As in, I'd have a crush on some girl that probably would want nothing to do with me, and then after dealing with rejection, move on to the next one. And the next one. And the next one.

Enter sophomore year, when I got in a wonderful relationship with a good friend of mine, and that was decent enough until we grew apart and decided to split, so as to better preserve our friendship. Still pip-pip-cheerio.

This year I attempted a relationship with another friend of mine that began, endured shortly, and ended somewhat... confusingly? Disappointingly? In failure, due largely to myself? Sort of a combination of the three.

And now I have another object of my attraction (sorta), and this is my predicament. Plain as day, here-it-is-now, not going to draw it out any longer:

I literally do not fucking know.

Let me clarify by clarifying in a simple numbered list of reasons why my emotions have been driving me crazy:

I want a level of intimacy greater than friend, not necessarily super-dedicated, and physically comfortable. As far as I feel, this is bad, for several reasons. I do want to be friends with my partner, and I do want to be super dedicated to them, but I also don't like the whole "Star-Crossed Lovers Together Forever No Matter What". That sucks because I both feel relationships require a high level of devotion to the partner and I would like to believe that I am somewhat a romantic person. I dunno. Continuing;

I literally like a lot of people. Like... seriously. A lot of my female friends, a lot of my co-workers at work, including some of the male ones--pretty much everyone is cute in some physical, mental, or emotional manner, and I find myself attracted to that.

I don't know if this is a crush or not but I want something now. I... a crush is fine, it is just ask if reciprocated, move on to someone else. However, that'd just be a brand new crush. And while that continues, I'll continue to drive myself crazy wanting an intimate relationship with someone while not knowing who I like as I make the rounds of everyone I know.

I don't know myself very well. Can I describe myself? Yeah. Can I describe myself well? Sure... Can I describe myself as I should be able to? Heck no. I don't know my sexuality, since none of the definitions seem to fit, so I just say "whomever strikes my fancy". I don't necessarily know what I am, either, saying "male is good enough, but I'm kinda curious". I can't describe my political ideology simply, I can't describe my emotional state at all, and I don't fucking know what religion or philosophy I believe in anymore.

This all sorta culminates into a giant "I dunno" "I want to" "I need" "I can't" jumble and I hate it so much and I don't know what to do about it.