#kinololokohan

Ever just feel like you want to disappear off the net for good yet you can't let go of it completely because being here is what keeps you going

I love the little interactions I get with people online and the appreciation (affirmation? attention??) they give me esp when I post my art but also I just can't ever shake off the feeling that I shouldn't be here. That I went past my expiration date. I should've been gone 5 years ago and yet I'm still here. My lock is a constant reminder of that.

It's suffocating to keep living and have your every move scrutinized, and the weight just keeps getting heavier because I'm a coward. The pent-up frustration from being infantilizzed and ridiculed by those around me throughout the years and then expecting me to "know [it] already" after reaching a certain age just because they spent a lot of money raising me and sent me to school (<- which is another can of worms but we don't talk about that). Really makes me wish I caught the bus a long time ago.

But also I can't just leave now especially after finding two steadfast friends who are just as crazy as me (if not more) and helped me step out of my cave even if a little.

These days I'm trying to interact with the community of a game I really like, and these feelings resurface every time I think of joining in. I'm still scared of being scrutinized/judged/hated/whatever when I interact with people. I just keep rationalizing that "it's just how it is, you can't get along with everyone in life" but that just made me more closed off than ever. So I end up not saying anything back.

It also doesn't help that I've embedded my self worth in art because constantly posting art has become "the only way to be seen／interact with others" so I become devastated when I don't draw or if it flops. (Not here though, I made this blog semi private lol)

Genuinely idk what to do anymore