#kindashit

And when they closed around my throat 

They brought out the most vibrant shades 

It took me a while to understand that perseverance and hard work doesn’t always result in beauty 

Every now and then I feel it

The cold rain on my face

A refreshment quenching my thirst for feeling

When I can't feel anything else

The pitter-patter of rain brings it to me

Transports me to a new world

A world of colours and sounds

Of distant memories not my own

Memories that feel more real to me than anything did not long before

As I drift in this mindscape

Connected to the ether

Feeling their feelings

Living their lives

I am free

Free

Free to be who they are

Free to be who I am

Free to experience pain that is not mine

Free to feel the joy that they feel

Tapped into their lives like a parasite unseen

Like a bacteria feeding off their emotions

Not knowing that I'm connected to them

That their fate is something I share

But eventually they are cleansed

I’m 15 and I dread waking up every morning because life is suffocating and the only time I can breathe is when I’m asleep. Unfortunately, 15 is too old to crawl in bed with your parents and even if it wasn’t, apparently  ”reality” is not an acceptable form of a nightmare.

I’m 15 and I’m trying to keep my head above the water, but it seems I have graduated from the kiddie pool and I’m drowning in all the thoughts swimming around my brain, overflowing onto these pages.

I’m 15 and I have no room for your temporary happiness because my heart and my lungs and my head are occupied by the sad. Perhaps being happy works for you, but sad is so much easier and I like the company.

I’m 15 and I’m forcing myself to swallow food around the permanent lump in my throat, wondering how it is humanly possible to feel so full and so empty at the same time.

I’m 15 and I think my vocal cords have started to rust because I haven’t felt the need to speak in a long time, knowing all too well that no word in the English language will change things back to the way they were.

I’m 15 and my heart is in a permanent state of shock, pounding like it wants to take flight, but it does not plan on taking me with it. Instead, it will search for a life more bearable than this one.

I’m 15 and I’m trying so hard to stop the tears that are constantly threatening to spill from my eyes, but everything is blurry lately, and it’s hard to keep going when I can’t see straight.