i should never have trusted my family to be reasonable and see anything from my perspective. i meant it when i said they lack reason. he just had another stupid bad day and was itching to find a reason to call me a little shit and blow up... i don't understand at all how people can stand unreasonable assholes in general, even? is there patience that i just was not blessed with upon birth that somehow,?? everyone else has? i'm trying. i'm trying so hard, but i somehow either end up submitting entirely like a coward or fighting back without restrraint, both being at the worst times possible. i used to look like i didn't care and, honestly, i miss being insecure of myself, because gaining confidence in my own agency made me move from not having my own opinion and barely speaking day to day [which ended up seeming like i didn't care to everyone i like] to arguing and feeling way too strongly and falling back into a loop where i'll tell myself to conform and not care but, at the end, still keep repeating the cycle... i don't know how to get out of this, and i don't know how to shut up and stay passive. 'correctly' at least. aaagh
