#kidgate

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By the time you read this, we will still be in a highly polarized, politically charged, and arguably melting climate in which at least 2,000 Central American and Mexican children will still be separated from their parents, but the news cycle will have moved on. Even though the kids’ fates are no longer a national stye in the media’s eye, it may still be hard for you to forget the unsolved atrocity. At the Institution for Mind Over All That Matters, we’ve developed positive self-talk talking points that will ease you through this period of American shame and guilt.

— The United States government is an effective, efficient machine run by employees with infinite support and resources. They will easily, with their eyes closed even, sort through potentially eight Hector Gonzalez’ or ten Maria Santiago’s to rematch them with children who can’t speak English (or haven’t yet developed speech skills).

— The 2,000 ward of the government children will grow up to be well-adjusted merciful naturalized citizens of the United States and not be the founders of Los Hijos por ISIS en Esatdos Unidos.

— The United States has the absolute right to guard stolen and swindled land any which way it chooses because Manifest Destiny was —  and is — a totally ethical belief and practice.

— Fostered and adopted children are always placed in physically and mentally safe environments. Despite that time the DHS worker falsified all those reports about home visits, just to meet his quota and that little girl died and the supervisor Whoopi Goldberg had to testify about the insane workload and impractical expectations of human service workers – oh wait that was a Law and Order SVU episode, but still … foster families are safe all the time.

— The real aliens will return from space and remove the sleeper cells they implanted after Roswell. They have determined their experiment to gauge how easily Americans could be brainwashed has gone terribly wrong, and they feel a moral responsibility to remove Stephen Miller and Jeff Sessions for further study.

Despite your best efforts, you may still feel distraught at the day’s end. If you are, repeat this nighttime mantra until you drift off into a peaceful sleep.

— Armageddon is coming. Rebuilding America from the ashes will create more than enough jobs for everyone.