#kibbarks

I also feel that, given the current state of various world affairs, the sentiments they have shared could not have come at a better moment. At a time where many of us might find ourselves feeling afraid to simply exist again or feel threatened or trapped by the prospect of having to choose between living a personal truth and maintaining personal safety and security, seeing that it is possible to not only be queer but to also be queer and happy is so, so important. While it did take me some time to process my thoughts and feelings after watching the video because I couldn’t quite parse through how I felt other than knowing that whatever emotion it was could only be described as “big” and “overwhelming”, after sitting down and mulling over it for a little, I do think I have figured it out.

I left that video with one primary takeaway: a profound sense of hope. For the future, for myself, for where I might end up. For where we, as a general society, could one day find ourselves. Things have been bleak, yes. It feels almost as if every headline and every breaking story has been something out of a nightmarish absurdist political satire — and that is terrifying. But in all of this, in this situation we are all in, there is hope. Whether it is the state of the world that scares you or your place in life (a good mix of both, in my case), there is a future waiting for you if you just stick it through to the end. At the end of the day, truly, we all must hope we will have our own story to tell and that we will also be able to embrace who we are for exactly as we are.

To get somewhat more personal and to shift my focus to the community, I must also say I agree with Dan’s opinion that the Phandom is currently one of the best fandom spaces to be in. While yes, there are parts of the phandom that are currently consumed by negativity and controversy, I do believe that remains a constant across any online community, large or small. When setting aside this small fraction of encounters, genuinely I do believe my time — as long as my six months here has allowed me — in the Phandom has been incredibly healing. Through the community and the precedent set by Dan and Phil, I have felt so much more personally accepting and proud of my own identity. I have been able to work through so much internalized shame and also some of the unexpected internalized homophobia I had somehow obtained from other young primarily queer communities. While it took me several attempts to watch Basically, I’m Gay to the end (due to the litany of minor triggers I have), doing so allowed me to process and understand that some of my experiences weren’t okay and I was allowed to feel hurt by them. I have almost always been semi-openly queer in that, in many irl spaces, it’s been something of an open secret. I don’t tell everyone by any means and I still am hesitant and careful regarding who I tell, but it remains something I admit freely. I have always been the sort that would get responses such as “I knew” or “I had a feeling” as well, for whatever that is worth. But even as someone who makes very little effort to disguise my queer identity as gay and transgender (other than frantic effort to prevent my family from learning such while I was in high school), I have experienced actions from other members of local queer groups that have deeply effected me and felt almost sickening. Regardless, I have not had this experience in the phandom. I have felt incredibly welcomed and have met many great and creative people through this community, for which I am so grateful.

It is here that I will give a brief warning for lightly described verbally homophobic actions. I still remember being 17, a senior in high school. I was deep in the trenches of my first relationship, but I hadn’t exactly considered how my partner at the time was the sort who knew and spoke with a wide variety of people. I would talk to those in my classes, but I primarily stuck with the same close few that I knew I could engage in deeper conversation with. I remember my school also had established a GSA either that year or the year prior, though I could almost never attend meetings due to my own schedule. My partner though was highly involved in the GSA and seemed to know just about everyone and, consequently, I became known to all of these people that I only really knew by name as acquaintances as simply my ex’s boyfriend. This followed with several instances of some of the students that knew me only in that shallow capacity (usually Freshman) pointing at me when they saw me passing in the halls and very loudly announcing the f-slur while giggling as if it were some funny joke we were all in on. This behavior would worsen if I dared show any form of affection for my partner whatsoever. Given those that did this were all decently young at the time and coming off the heels of spending middle school in quarantine, I understand why these individuals may not have thought twice about the implicit harm of their actions, but I can and have accepted that they did hurt me. I did not really know the people making those jokes, and they certainly weren’t at a level of friendship where I could joke around about those topics. While I may have been ambiguously open about my queerness, it still felt violating for my right to share that aspect of myself to be taken from me, especially in such a vulgar way like calling me a homophobic slur in a hallway full of other people I didn’t know. Regardless of if they were also queer and “could” make those jokes, I did not know them well and they took away my autonomy regarding my own identity.

When Dan and Phil discussed how their personal information being shared and their identity and relationship being dragged out into the light against their will in the recent video, I felt incredibly seen. It is such a vulnerable and raw sentiment that just struck me. While I certainly cannot begin to understand how difficult it must have been for them just in terms of scale, I do think it highlights why this video was so important. This is something that so many queer folk might find at least somewhat reflects their own experiences, and that is crucial right now. It is such an authentic experience shared in part by so many of us, and having that pain acknowledged and validated while simultaneously seeming to say “wait for the future, things will be okay and one day you’ll comfortably get to live solely as yourself” is vital. This video felt healing. Monumentally so for Dan and Phil themselves, but also in the implications and messages shared to their current audience that they have cultivated. We might not know what the future holds for us, but it could be fantastic if we just stick around to find out. We, queer folk, exist, and we can be happy and we can heal. Things will be okay.

All that having been said, I’m glad to be here and I’m glad I get to exist alongside everyone right now. To whatever insanity may come our way, cheers 🫡

[I’m almost tempted to sign this off like some kind of email. That truly would be a jarring return to my original modus operandi from when I first starting posting my art on the internet 8 years ago, wouldn’t it lol. Might as well]