#keep source

Well I'm sorry And I'm sorry even more so because it will probably happen more I'm sorry for my stupid ass fucked up mind and I wish I could be literally any other fucking way than how I am but I can't be and I'm sorry. And I'm sorry if I constantly feel like you are going to leave me for every person who walks into you life or comes back into your life but I do and that isn't going to change. I wish I had the strength to ask for medication but I don't. I wish I was happy but I'm not. And I'm sorry. But you are everything to me and I don't care what happens you will always be my best friend and I will always hold you up to the highest place in my life. I may not smile as much but I'm trying so hard to just get through life and the fact you can make me happy at all is the greatest feat. The fact that just seeing you even if we don't hang out or anything can put me in a good mood is amazing. I love you so much and there is no changing that.

Please understand that I love you. All of you. And it’s all but none of your faults. Please understand that I just didn’t want to be here anymore. I didn’t want to deal with the pain even with those small in-between moments where life just seems okay again. There was never enough and probably never could be. I would have likely drank myself to death if anything else. Please understand that I know this is permanent and I can’t take it back but that’s exactly why I did it. Understand that I understand I am a coward for it. That I know all of you will feel deep pain in your hearts but I just don’t care anymore. I just don’t care that you care. If you feel as if you can’t live with this don’t. What’s the point in going through a life where you are miserable. I didn’t want to be happy. Happy can be taken away. I wanted to feel nothing. That isn’t something achieved in life though. So I chose death. Goodbye.

I finish bottles of wine so I can forget every reason you said “I love you” through clenched teeth. Bottles break, breath shatters, and glass touches the wall with hesitance. I will wake up and forget I ever remembered you. I will wake up and pour oceans into the dirt just to see the same flowers grow with a hint of the sea. I have a mark on my skin for every second that passed after you told me love was a trick and the trees never sighed deeply for the sky above it. I drink, I wait, I burn. The same fires that grow in my stomach reach my hands and turn them black with regret. I'm sorry you ever saw me sober.