I finally got the courage to start explaining my kinks to my therapist (both my role-playing kinks and the ones I enjoy in fiction), and I kept saying things like, “But that doesn’t mean I actually support it outside of a role-playing dynamic between consenting adults, or a fictional setting in a work of art (fanfic, fan art, etc.).” She immediately said something like, “I notice you keep justifying yourself as if you owe an explanation, but do you really need to justify your tastes to people?”
And really, I’m constantly trying to explain myself, afraid of being interpreted in the worst possible way. And damn, how that bothers me.
Let’s be honest, the current state of the internet doesn’t help much either. But it’s crazy to realize how I have this pattern of being so hard on myself and internalizing so many bad faith comments, even though I rationally KNOW that I’m not a bad person (and even saying that makes me have thoughts like, “and how can you be sure? Aren’t you just pretending to be a good person?”). I think the need to “prove myself” still gets to me a lot.
And of course, having OCD doesn't help one bit, either. I wouldn't wish that shit on anyone.
I'm tired of having to explain myself even to my own mind, which sabotages me all the time.
