#kaufisch

We would officially like to introduce you to the language of...Kaufisch. A variant of the Denglisch dialect, Kaufisch was created by a group of ERASMUS students (all currently living in Konstanz) whilst shopping in the German grocery store, Kaufland. Although originally aiming to make the whole process of shopping all that much easier- Entschuldigung, aber haben Sie ein piece of bread?- Kaufisch has now extended to all facets of life.

So if you have arrived in Germany and do not know any German ignore the other saavy exchange students, who question you as to why you even bothered to come (best answer: I love a challenge). Do not feel shy or any form of fear about your lack preparation. Instead, simply speak Kaufisch. And be confident about it. If a German baker is bewildered by your 'tongue,' unsure as to how to proceed, just repeat your previous statement. Make it seem as if they are in the wrong, that it is their fault for not knowing the language. Making the people who are actually in the right, feel awkward and unsure of their mental capabilities? Boom, done. Kaufisch provides all that.

Introduction to the variants of Kaufisch First Variant: Speak English. If you know a German word just stick it in there. Doesn't matter if the word makes no sense to the topic of the sentence.

Example 1: Kaufisch Beginners. Hallo, how are you? Note the 'a' in the hallo. Big difference and authentic. Boom. Example 2: Kaufisch Intermediate. Hallo, how are du? Example 3: Kaufisch Advanced. Hallo, bist du good? Switched the sentence structure to a way that might even resemble real German. Replace 'good' with 'ok' and you're practically speaking Deutsch. This variant is also known as Denglisch. 'Oh nein. Ich kann nicht believe that your hund has died. Seriously, es tut mir leid.

Second Variant: Speak English, but with your accent and spelling, 'Germanify' it. Replace all 'sh' or 'st' with 'sch' and you'll get there. Play around with the 'v' and 'w.' Randomly add a 't' to words. Basically, this one is hard and doesn't make any sense what so ever. Either way your Kaufisch will be huge.

'Jor haus ist on which schtreet in de willage?' 'Das (does) dis willage have a wending maschine?' 'Ist das the schopping centar in dis willage?' Third Variant:

This variant extends from the previous. Here you also 'Germanify' English words but also include approproate grammar. This is what truly differentiates it from it's brother dialect- Denglisch. So if you are stuck in a German store or are talking to a local resident, note that you will never be speechless. Everything can be manipulated.

Example:

'Oh nein, was hat gehappened?' Note that the 'gehappened' can be changed to 'gehapend.' Gives it an awesome effect.

Have fun with it, play around. Don't know the German word for eggplant? Neither do I! Kaufisch it, and it will known as 'Eierpläntze' for the rest of your life! You can simply do no wrong.