#katarinahime

In Memory, Katarinahime. Part 13.

This grief is Ongoing, so I’ll never call your work Incomplete.

Two years.

“Serenity Prayer” by katarinahime - Rated M for depictions of domestic violence, substance abuse, and smut, Modern AU, Multi-chapter, Ongoing. When their fairytale endings smash to ugly pieces, Hinata and Naruto help put each other back together.

“(common side effects)” (Naruto’s POV) by katarinahime & “Medicated” (Hinata’s POV) by szajnie - Rated E for smut, substance abuse, mental illness, and depictions of violence, self-harm, and attempted suicide, Crime/Modern AU, Multi-chapter, Ongoing. Naruto and Hinata, in a struggling relationship, must confront the pain inside before they can love each other.

Tragedy like this doesn’t heal. It’s a gaping wound that hardens up as is. It’ll always be there, like an impact crater.

I avoided answering for about 9 months. Wondering how to respond without reopening the scars on my hands. How frustrating and painful that a few of the first stories I think of are--

I made excuses: What is "rensioe?" Did they mean "recent?" Maybe I don't feel like answering. What a silly, unending question. There are a ton of unfinished work, including my own, I'd like to see finished. What if I just listed all my own incomplete work? As like a funny joke? What if someone sees their fic here and feels pressured in a bad way or feels called out? Well, I could word it in a way that won't sound bad. What if I just don't want to answer this? I'll work on another rec list instead.

What if I answer this seriously? (In the end, I must look; it's not nostalgia; the past is not a thing to shy from; it's grief and anger and love.)

Just know that I'll never call her work incomplete.

This grief is ongoing.

It's been two years.

I’m trying to tie them neatly beside the shared memories of mourners. A bouquet of love yous, miss yous, lunch on an afternoon, letters and letters lost, so how do I gather the consumed bits of her melded within me of four years, how do I add them to the vibrant, tragic whole?

For every post and prayer, I pushed out a mouth full of love, blooms pulled out from the roots that I traced along the words I consumed, hoping a story I could tell myself would finally make sense of my grief and love me back.

I walk around the impact, leaving notes notes notes notes

For every note, that's one who will remember, just like how I won't forget the memories others compassionately shared with me.

This is a circular staircase, a dark void at the end of the tunnel that used to echo the pieces we once traded, the Pacific Ocean carrying the waves of her earthquake to my shore, wounds-turned-scars that once stung in salt water, an impact crater,

I'll revisit and take care like it's a grave.

Tell me if it hurts. Tell me if you remember. Is she there if I keep writing, if I keep creating, will you see her, too?

I'm sorry anon, you meant nothing in sending this ask, other than well-meaning curiosity. I’ve asked questions with unintended consequences, unwanted at the start and yet here I am dwelling.

This is what I want, what a place of privilege and opportunity I have to share.

So keep me busy.

Especially for angst.

Especially for Modern AU.

Especially for my favorite writers.

If I keep recommending her fics, if I keep recommending her fics, (repeat), (repeat) eventually will everyone read them?

Eventually will everyone know her? If you read her fics, you knew her in a swallowing, you entered the door, flew off, and I hope you never came back, I hope you read her fics.

I hope you share my lists, I hope you read my fics.

I hope you know me in a swallowing and recognize how I consumed her and called our merging an unbearable addiction, I hope you trace the veins of her in my words, I hope the waves spill over you.

I hope you see that I had known her since we started writing.

“Her death hit in waves. Not a flood, but water lapping steadily at her ankles. You could drown in two inches of water. Maybe grief was the same” - Brit Bennett, from The Vanishing Half

Summarizing months of loss, it's a mess. For 5 stages of grief, let's add a sixth.

Desperation.

I see its undercurrent swelling up my words -

What's the point of all of this if no one's paying attention? Remember her!

You haven't heard of her? Look! Fanfiction can be more, it can be the color of the water.

What's the point if people won't read the ones who inspired me, taught me the value of my words, taught me how to be understood.

"Don't forget."

(A note to drive her character forward, the reason to not give up.)

A prayer for your peace. A prayer that all the lives you touched and all the lives you will continue to reach through your writing returns to you in love. A prayer that everything we couldn’t say and everything we wish we did say returns to you in love. A prayer that everything I’ve written and continue to write returns to you in love.

If I could keep your story going, I would. I'm trying to. At least a couple of people might see my posts or visit my page, and decide to read your fics. Feel moved by your writing and love you, too.

This is ongoing.

Two years without you.

I miss you.

I wish you were alive. I wish you would update. I wish you would come back, I wish you hadn't found your own ending, and I wish I didn't feel selfish for thinking so.

your favorite content from them: Serenity Prayer "Dear Katarina, I'm mainly submitting this to make sure you don't go unforgotten 🖤 I miss seeing your posts on Tumblr, and it may sound silly but every time I see a mention of the upcoming Napoleon movie, I think of you. I remember you had said in a post that you wanted to write a Napoleon!Naruto/Josephine!Hinata story and I cannot help but wonder what it would have been like or if you would enjoy this movie. I hope you are at peace 🖤🖤🖤"

we’ve lost a beautiful soul.

rest in peace, Katarina.