#kasperboarding

Steven: what would you do if I just threw up on you?

Me: what

Steven: and then just died?

Me: .......

Steven: and then just started peeing

Steven: until I started peeing blood

Steven: and just kept peeing blood until I was completely empty

me: Well you deserve to feel great. Like, all the time.

Anyway, here’s the situation- I like think I still am in love with Dennis. Or at least, that’s what Steven has convinced me. It doesn’t make sense though cos I’m gay right? (oh yeah by the way I’m gay and have been gay for like, a really long time but it’s like my biggest secret ever. Like, Emily doesn’t even know. So shh) But anyway, I think I’m still in love with Dennis. Okay, like I know it makes no sense really especially with this new information about me that you just obtained, but yeah. I’m in love with Dennis and he doesn’t love me back in the same way obviously because he’s gay.

Liv: Alright, it’s cool. I wouldn’t think of you any less no matter what you like.. I mean unless you were in love with walls.. anyway.. I mean I get it in a way how you still like Dennis, you guys dated for quiet some time, no? I want, no need, to ask this- Do you think you’re still in love with him, or is the fact that he is gay make him seem unattainable? If that makes sense, bear with me. You haven’t really been rejected much like boy-wise, at least now in your life. Dennis (if he is truly gay, and not bi) might never love you the way you want him to, or think you do. This could stem feelings of deep want, even though it’s just you coping with someone not wanting you, or ignoring you. If that makes any sense?

me: yooooooo! You might be right! I mean, I do think Dennis is like one of the coolest people ever, but I’m like in now way whatsoever attracted to him at all. I asked Steven about that and he told me that people love other people all the time without being attracted to them- which is true. Wow. I really hope you’re right cos it really sucks feeling this way. I don’t know though. It just feels so great to be around him and hugging him and stuff. (That last sentence definitely made it sound like I’m in love I think.) Ughh. It’s so confusing and frustrating. Oh, and depressing. It’s also very depressing. Maybe you’re right though. Maybe it’s cos I feel like I was rejected by him. I mean, he did break up with me. I got over it super duper quick, but I mean, there’s still always been that twinge of pain in the bottom of my heart and throat that I feel when I think about it. Confused. I’m so very confused.

Liv: wait so if you’re gay in definitely, then what’s going to happen to you & Ben?

me: I don’t know what’s going to happen with Ben and I. It’s really confusing. I don’t want to like, lead him on or anything only to break his heart in the end, but I don’t want to hurt him now and I definitely want to keep him in my life.

Liv: actually what I said didn’t make much sense. On a scale of one to ten how sure are you that you’re gay? jw

me: 10. I like girls. I just date boys that I think have nice personalities. That’s why I stay in relationships with them for so long. There’s no such thing as it getting old or be becoming jealous or anything like that because honestly, I don’t really care.

Liv: Now can you communicate that sentence to Ben? My input isn’t necessary here, but I feel like regardless of what choices in your realtionships you make, you should try your best to be honest… I feel like at least that way people wouldn’t get hurt as much as they would if you abruptly broke up with them, or led them on… kind of like limbo, hovering in a state of uncertainty just being like.. there.. Honest, and that way the least feelings should be hurt.. unless Ben turns out to be a psycho who gets too attached to you, and goes crazy, and rips out all your teeth no matter what you do.. Nah he’s too nice for that..

me: I’ve told Ben that I’m gay in fear of hurting him too bad in the future. I actually broke up with him for a day because of it, but I got back together with him because I can’t handle being alone. I told him before he agreed to going out with me again that I wasn’t going to turn straight any time soon but he didn’t seem to care because he just wanted to be with me. I guess I should be a tiny bit more honest with him and let him know that I just can’t like him the way he likes me. Ughhhhh. I hate that part though. I’ve been slowly working up to telling him that over time. Like, just little bits of it at a time.

Liv: So you’re dating him because you don’t want to be alone + you think he has a nice personality.. But you’re incapable of loving him back because you’re gay. Is he really cool with this? How long are you planning on being with him? Like I’m sorry if that came off as rude, I just want to know.. Also do you ave sex with him, or anything? I just don’t get how he doesn’t care that you’re gay, and just wants to be with you.. maybe I just don’t get people.. I don’t know.. At the same time it’s sort of sweet that he still wants to be with you, but does that really constitute as a relationship, or something less? Do you feel like being alone is being single, or do you think it’s a little bit more than that? P.S. ow long have you know you were? (Sorry I’m just curious)

me: I’ve known for sure since around the time when Chris and I began dating. I know I know. I’m a really really really terrible person for that. Chris still has no idea.

&&when it comes to Ben, I believe I can honestly say that the only reason that we are still together is because I have falsely eluded a glimmer of hope in me becoming even half straight and loving him the way he wants me too. Honestly though, I really want to. It’s so hard keeping it a secret. If I could change everything I really would. I guess there’s just something in me that hope for me to change and like boys.

I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love Ben to death. Really. I think he’s one of the greatest people ever, and if I could, sure I would spend all my time with him just laying in his arms and talking about stupid things. But I could honestly say the same thing about Steven and Dennis. (You too, just minus the arms thing cos I feel like we have a tiny bit more boundaries when it comes to that.)

It’s such a confusing situation.

&&&yeah Ben and I have sex. Like, every now and then. Like some of the time when I go over to his house.

The first time was right before we started dating (I know, for shame) because.. well I don’t know. I think probably because it had been so long, and while I couldn’t remember liking sex in the past, I still almost (emphasize almost) missed it. Not only that, but it made me feel like a ton better about myself. One, because it made me feel attractive, and two because he was like the only person that I could do that with that I wouldn’t end up hating myself over after wards.

Now when we do it, it’s like every now and then because gay or straight, kissing is fun and I’m extremely comfortable with Ben. So we’ll be like chilling and start kissing, but sometimes after a little bit it gets to far, and while I know that I could just say no, I still feel like that would be kind of crappy leading him on that far and then just leaving him like that? If that makes sense. Besides, even though Ben doesn’t turn me on really, sex is still fun. Maybe on a once a month to every two months kind of level though. It’s not all that great.

I feel like it’s me doing stuff like this though that is allowing him to hold on to that bit of hope in me becoming straight. Like, it probably makes no sense to him.

I really really don’t want to tell him though that the only reason I have sex with him is cos I feel like I’m morally obligated to. That would just crush him and I feel like some things are just better left unsaid.

I told him though before we started redating that sex probably isn’t going to be something that happens with us very often, but he said he didn’t care.

I don’t know. This whole thing is all so very confusing.

Liv: That’s wrong, and I know no matter who you ask they’re going to say that. You’re a really good friend of mine, so I don’t want to play you up like the bad guy in this situation, but what you’re doing might be just like leading him on.. Like you said before, you can love someone without being attracted to them, it’s just a thing. Like, okay, you can’t force yourself-not matter how hard you try- to be who you aren’t, it will only make you miserable. Holding onto this thing you have with him may delay the miserable pain that may or may not be around the corner. That’s the funny thing about pain, it demands to be felt in some way or another. Until you are completed honest with every aspect of your life (Which is pretty much impossible, btw) you will always feel some sort of pain or confusion. It’s inevitable.. you can choose to stay with ben for as long as you feel, but what are you both getting out of this relationship? Is it not mutually beneficial, or cancerous?

me: Ughhh… you’re so right. I really have no choice. I need to let him know the full truth and hopefully he’ll just still want to be my friend. But even then, I’m still going to miss having someone there who I know care about me truly to love and hold hands with and kiss good bye before classes. I’m going to miss that closeness. It really is wrong though and selfish of me to continue dating him for my own benefit. I can already predict Ben and I having a really strange on-again-off-again relationship. It’s going to go a little something like: he misses me, I miss him, we hang out alone, something happens, we get back together, I try my best to feel something for him the way I think I’m supposed to, I fail, I feel dishonest and weird because gay, we break up, repeat.

That’s a really terrible cycle though cos that doesn’t even include all the emotions that would take place and eventually it will just get tired and old.

I really really really want to like him though. Like, he would be perfect. He is perfect. Everything about him. He’s incredibly kind, he’s attractive (I know he looks good, I’m just not attracted to him), he’s Christian, he has a car, he’s athletic, he has a super cool personality, and then I just love all of the little quirks he has. Like, I love everything about him. I’m just not in love with him.

I mean, I could at least be bi if I wanted right? Like, can’t I just make myself like boys?

Or maybe I’m not even gay. Maybe I’m just nothing.(Hear me out.) Cos I mean, I’ve never been attracted to a guy ever. Like never ever. But I’ve also never had a crush on a girl for her personality. Most girls actually I’m just annoyed with cos for the most part girls tend to have bad personalities.

So maybe I’m just nothing and dead of all in-love emotions.

Or maybe it’s just none of that. Maybe I’m bi and I don’t realize it because I’ve never found a guy attractive. Like, maybe I’ve been in-love, (like with Chris for example) and just didn’t fully understand what in-love meant so I didn’t realize that I was in it. I don’t know. I feel like that can’t be true because I think being in love is something that once you’re in it you’re like, “Dang. This is what people have been talking about. I’ve been so confused in the past.”

So maybe I’m just nothing. Maybe I’m not gay, straight, bi, pan, or whatever else is out there. At least, maybe I’m not anything until I legitimately like someone. Because still, I have never felt like I have truly liked someone. As in, found their personality and their appearance attractive.

I’m so right. I’m just nothing and incapable of love forever.

Liv: asexual? I know you like people you always have something nice to say about everyone, maybe you’re just feeling that really strongly with Ben. Maybe you just like everybody, just a little bit (some more than others) and that’s why you don’t really know what you want. You always put other people’s weight and issues on your own shoulders, have you really stopped and thought about what you as yourself want? It’s like.. okay just roll with this, I feel like you don’t know what you want, because you’ve never really given yourself the opportunity to figure out or think about what you want. Could you always be thinking about what other people want, and what’s best for other people without caring for yourself. Like (And don’t hate me for knowing this, please I didn’t realize this was a secret like until I was told what it was omg) The thing that happened when you and Dennis tried to have sex, and like how you felt you were supposed to be and look like after that. You always want what you think other people want you to want. Actually I could be wrong, I don’t know you as well as you know yourself, hopefully. I have plenty of words to say, but no experience to back it up, haha.

me: I’m not mad at you for knowing. I’m actually a little relieved cos now I can bring up instances involving that to further explain possibly what I’m feeling without it being awkward for me to explain. (What about that do you know though? Not that I have an issue with you knowing at all, but more along the lines of curious of Dennis said- assuming that’s how you found out.)

Liv: I was informed that when you and Dennis tried to have sex, Dennis couldn’t get it up is all…

me: Seriously though, you might be right. I mean really, what do I know? Like, nothing to be honest. I don’t even know how I feel. I’m just really not used to having emotions so when it comes time to label them I have a super hard time.

If you are right though, how would I go about finding out what I am. I mean, is it possible for me to like everybody and just have yet to find someone who I find both attractive and whom I feel has a kick ass personality? Cos I really like the idea of me just being clueless over me being unable to love a lot more.

I mean, I love everybody. Forreal. I just haven’t felt that special bond with anyone. I mean, with Chris it was pretty much there. I couldn’t imagine losing him, and after a while I grew accustom to the way he looked. Maybe I could do the same with Ben except minus the being controlled to the point of wanting to never see him again ever ever.

Liv: Not to be creepy, but you could share more details with me if you want. When you tell me things, it makes me feel like you trust me more, and I don’t go around telling people anyway..

me: This actually is a three part story that I will send you in each individual part so it doesn’t take me a year between messages.

Part one: The First Failure.

So this I can’t really remember to vividly but I will do my best.

Dennis and I were up in my room a few months into us dating with the door locked. In all honesty, I planned on something happening between us. Like, I felt like for the amount of time that we had been going out it was appropriate. (Yet another example of me going by what I feel like I’m supposed to do rather than my actual feelings. However, when I feel like I’m supposed to be doing something, I suppose that constitutes for me wanting to do something cos I’ve never really had a want to do anything ever aside from drugs. Anyway,) So we were in my room making out and such, door locked like I previously stated, and me, thinking that I was just following along on schedule with where our relationship should be at that point, started moving things a little further. I believe I took off my shirt and then he took off his, then eventually he took off my bra. Then more kissing, kissing and touching. Then he moved his hand into my pants and after a bit I just took them off completely and then he removed his and then at some point my underpants were taken off by someone. ..not a third party, but either myself or Dennis of course. (I don’t know if that got to graphic, but expect the following stories to be at a similar level.) Well this happened for a while except Dennis just never got it up. So I, of course, just felt crappy. Like super crappy cos I’m laying completely naked next to Dennis in only his underpants, making out with him and being felt up/(no offense to Dennis)poorly (I hate this next word) fingered and he can’t even get it up. So yeah, that’s one point in life where I just wanted to drown. I can’t even begin to explain how terrible I felt about myself. At this point I had no idea at all that Dennis was gay and I just figured that I was just that horribly unattractive and maybe even repulsing. So after a little bit of no response on his part I asked him why, he told me he didn’t know, and so I just curled up in sheets on the other side of the bed away from him sure I was about to die of both embarrassment/shame and self hate for being that unattractive.

Fin.

Liv: Okay, bear with me once more. It’s hard to say how one goes about finding out what mixture of chemicals, emotions, and dust make up their true beings..Like what could work for me (cause I’m still trying to figure me out) might not have any effect on you, and vice verse.. You won’t really know until it hits you like a metaphorical ten-ton truck. Really. You might not even be gay, like I’m not trying to insult your assumption, but okay.. maybe because you felt like you weren’t 100% with Ben, or Dennis, or even Chris, so you wen’t with your first obvious assumption, without really realizing it. Like okay, maybe you just like ( I need to stop saying ‘like’ so much haha ) Don’t really truly know if you like girls.. I mean have you ever made out with a girl? Ellie used to think she was a lesbian (please don’t ever told her I said that, cause she didn’t confide in me, she just sort of made that statement, and now she doesn’t want to bring it up and I will feel bad.) and like look at her.. that probably isn’t a great example, no offense to Ellie, but I probably wouldn’t model much of my deep thought about my life around her choices.. gosh that sounded rude..Anyway I can’t even remember what I was going on about…. Okay, The idea of being clueless and accepting it seams ideal, because no one might get hurt.. But as a human you’re going to naturally wonder who you truly are now that the prospect of you not knowing has been brought to light, you dig? Basically, now that you are aware that you are clueless (or willing to accept that you are and leave it) you’re always going to be hungry for the answer.. it’s the human way, unfortunately..

me:I was just thinking of that

Wow, Liv. That was great. Like, you’re so right. That was so powerful.

Well, I hate being clueless so here is what I do know-

1. I want to have a boyfriend/girlfriend that I can cuddle with and not be alone with together.

2. Ben works well for that.

3. I like Ben as a person.

4. Ben has soft lips.

5. I can spend the night at Ben’s house whenever I want and I can cuddle with him all night.

6. I don’t feel the same way about Ben as he does me.

7. I like girls.

8. I find girls attractive.

9. I have yet to have a crush more than just skin-deep with a girl that I know in real life.

10. All the pretty gay girls live in Canada.

11. I want to move to Canada. (Watch when I move there they all leave.)

12. I don’t want to be alone.

13. I want to find Ben attractive.

14. It’s wrong for me to lead Ben on.

15. I want to make him happy.

16. (this one’s especially hard to admit) If it wouldn’t hurt Ben in any way at all and Dennis was straight, I would leave Ben for Dennis.

17. Dennis makes me nothing but sad.

18. For my own mental health I should probably stop talking to Dennis.

19. That sounds like the worst idea ever I will probably never do that.

20. I love Dennis.

21. I love Ben.

22. I love Dennis more.

23. I hate Dennis.

24. I want Dennis to be attracted to me.

25. I want to be attracted to Dennis.

26. I want to be straight.

27. I want Dennis to be happy.

28. I want Ben to be happy.

29. I would rather Dennis be sad on his own than Ben to be sad because of me.

30. I would rather almost anyone to be unhappy on their own than be unhappy because of me.

31. I have a small crush on this girl that was in my physics class before I switched to ap.

32. She’s in Key Club.

33. I don’t know her personality at all.

34. I hope she has a great personality and that she’s gay and that she’d like me.

35. I hope she has a dreadful personality and that she’s straight so I won’t like her more and want to break up with Ben.

36. None of that would matter because I don’t know how to talk to girls.

37. I felt weird and almost embarrassed admitting that last one but I don’t know why.

38. I love you so much, Livy for listening to all of this.

39. I feel like I know more things but I should start working on part two of my story.

me: Part two: Dazed & Confused.

So after probably hours of questioning poor Dennis as to why exactly he couldn’t get it up, questions mostly asking “is it because of me?” just worded differently, Dennis determines that is was probably just because he took some adderal earlier that day and he usually doesn’t have any kind of sex drive as a side effect. I half-way accept this explanation in minor relief but still feel like it was my fault. Well by this point Dennis and I had been smoking a lot of weed so we plan one day to get high on the side of my house and then go to my room and have sex while listening to dub step. Well, the fist half of the plan went well. Steven, Dennis and I all gathered around at the backyard side-fence area and smoke the rest of the weed we have. We all go inside after and Dennis and I go to my room to do our thing and Steven goes… I don’t know- somewhere. Well Dennis and I are now up in my room and nearly the same chain of events happens except this time when Dennis still fails to get it up while the mood is still semi-going he goes down on me I guess as sort of a consolation. I was just high and distraught however and, once again no offense to Dennis, he wasn’t very good at that so I faked it so he would come back up and I could ask him why why why some more. I felt bad and I really didn’t want our relationship when it comes to sex to be like Chris’s and mine, (the entire two years of us doing it I never did once. Like, I don’t know. I think that’s pretty bad. I could never tell him that though cos I didn’t want him to feel bad and there wasn’t anything that could be done to fix it.) so I told him I faked it cos the mood was totally killed making it so it didn’t feel that great. This time though, instead of nearly dying after covering myself in blankets, I just got dressed and left the room to talk to Steven and get away from the situation. Steven asked me if we had sex and I told him no. He asked me why and I told him it was because Dennis couldn’t get it up. I went back to the room and asked Dennis a hundred times if it was because of me and if he was gay. Both questions he responded with no. In my mind (remember in my mind) I was dying, hoping it was because he was gay, but sobbing because I was sure it was actually just because of me. Honestly I was actually a little mad. Maybe mad it too weak of a word. I think really I was pissed. I didn’t know what I was pissed at though. Dennis for making me feel like garbage? Me for even trying anything? The whole situation. I was angry with the whole situation for making me feel the way I did. It was a strange series of conflicting thoughts like, “fuck you, Dennis for making me feel like this. Like, who do you think you are? How could I not be good enough for you?? Do you know how many guys want me? Do you even realize how goddamn lucky you are?? When I was with Chris every day he was practically on his knees begging for it but I’m not good enough for you?? You better be gay and you better tell me right now and before I kill myself over this. Other wise I just want to have nothing to do with you ever becuase fuck you look what you’ve done to me.” but I was still hating my self thinking that it was my own fault for putting myself in the situation. I knew I wasn’t attractive but I still assumed that I was going to be at least attractive enough to have sex with. I mean, lots of guys don’t even care who it is, as long as they’re getting it in. Like, one, Dennis must have pretty high standards of what’s attractive, and two, I couldn’t be anywhere near good enough. Eventually the feeling evened out and it turned into more rational self-hatred and only a bit of resentment towards Dennis for hurting me.

Fin.

Liv: I don’t really care how graphic you get.. i don’t know I just don’t really connect words with people I know in real life.. Is this around the time your blog took a turn for the ‘shockingly thin’?

me: Part two: Dazed & Confused.

So after probably hours of questioning poor Dennis as to why exactly he couldn’t get it up, questions mostly asking “is it because of me?” just worded differently, Dennis determines that is was probably just because he took some adderal earlier that day and he usually doesn’t have any kind of sex drive as a side effect. I half-way accept this explanation in minor relief but still feel like it was my fault. Well by this point Dennis and I had been smoking a lot of weed so we plan one day to get high on the side of my house and then go to my room and have sex while listening to dub step. Well, the fist half of the plan went well. Steven, Dennis and I all gathered around at the backyard side-fence area and smoke the rest of the weed we have. We all go inside after and Dennis and I go to my room to do our thing and Steven goes… I don’t know- somewhere. Well Dennis and I are now up in my room and nearly the same chain of events happens except this time when Dennis still fails to get it up while the mood is still semi-going he goes down on me I guess as sort of a consolation. I was just high and distraught however and, once again no offense to Dennis, he wasn’t very good at that so I faked it so he would come back up and I could ask him why why why some more. I felt bad and I really didn’t want our relationship when it comes to sex to be like Chris’s and mine, (the entire two years of us doing it I never did once. Like, I don’t know. I think that’s pretty bad. I could never tell him that though cos I didn’t want him to feel bad and there wasn’t anything that could be done to fix it.) so I told him I faked it cos the mood was totally killed making it so it didn’t feel that great. This time though, instead of nearly dying after covering myself in blankets, I just got dressed and left the room to talk to Steven and get away from the situation. Steven asked me if we had sex and I told him no. He asked me why and I told him it was because Dennis couldn’t get it up. I went back to the room and asked Dennis a hundred times if it was because of me and if he was gay. Both questions he responded with no. In my mind (remember in my mind) I was dying, hoping it was because he was gay, but sobbing because I was sure it was actually just because of me. Honestly I was actually a little mad. Maybe mad it too weak of a word. I think really I was pissed. I didn’t know what I was pissed at though. Dennis for making me feel like garbage? Me for even trying anything? The whole situation. I was angry with the whole situation for making me feel the way I did. It was a strange series of conflicting thoughts like, “fuck you, Dennis for making me feel like this. Like, who do you think you are? How could I not be good enough for you?? Do you know how many guys want me? Do you even realize how goddamn lucky you are?? When I was with Chris every day he was practically on his knees begging for it but I’m not good enough for you?? You better be gay and you better tell me right now and before I kill myself over this. Other wise I just want to have nothing to do with you ever becuase fuck you look what you’ve done to me.” but I was still hating my self thinking that it was my own fault for putting myself in the situation. I knew I wasn’t attractive but I still assumed that I was going to be at least attractive enough to have sex with. I mean, lots of guys don’t even care who it is, as long as they’re getting it in. Like, one, Dennis must have pretty high standards of what’s attractive, and two, I couldn’t be anywhere near good enough. Eventually the feeling evened out and it turned into more rational self-hatred and only a bit of resentment towards Dennis for hurting me.

Fin.

Liv: Gee, I wish I remembered what I said.. I’m gonna try and lump what I can together, and give a little bit of feed back ( To re-enforce the fact that you aren’t alone. )

1-5 are almost nullified by 6

7 & 8, 9 makes me feel like 7 & 8 might not be as true as you think.. for now

10 & 11 haha Don’t leeavee me!

12 no one wants to be.. sometimes even if it sucks you need a little time on your own.. you realize some pretty great (as in huge) things about yourself that way.

13. I know you do, but.. CAN you?

14 & 15 but is that really the best for YOU (I’m emphasizing the importance of you to get the idea across that you can’t make the people around you happy all the time, so it’s best to help yourself once and a while..)

16 But Dennis isn’t, and there’s hardly anything that’ll change that + it will indefinitely hurt Ben if he got dumped for the ex of his gay (probably, for now) girlfriend.. that sounded weird

17 I’m sure he doesn’t mean to, people hurt people all the time without realizing it.

18 that’s a little extreme, do you ever talk to him about these things?

19 I agree, plus if you shut him off without explaining it it’ll only hurt him more..

20 -28 the conflicts of feelings that were pushed under the rug surfacing at the worst times maybe?

29 & 30 you know what? you’re going to hurt people.. now in the future, it’s going to happen. It is unavoidable, and we ave to cope with this.. human nature and whatnot. You will never make every single person in your life happy, and yeah that sucks, but if you hold onto that feeling of self hate you’re only weighing yourself down. plus you know, they might brush it off, while it stays with you for as long as you let it.

31-35 well, unfortunately you can’t know until you talk to her, it’s a sad thought but she probably won’t check off everything on your list, or she might.. you’ll never know.

36 being gay was something you have been aware of, but never acted on. You didn’t just wake up and know exactly how to talk to a boy (or maybe you did, you’re rather perfect.) everything takes time.

37 it’s okay, it’s just me you’re talking to.

38 always, that’s what friends are for (I’ve always been scared to call you my best friend because I feel like that’s coming on a little strong)

39 what things do you feel you should know exactly?

me: Part three: A Turn For The Shockingly Thin.

Finally, after many months of harbored depressed feelings and dissatisfaction, I invited Dennis to my house to spend the night. I was stupid for thinking that by then I would be good enough, but once again, come night fall Dennis and I began kissing and such and he just couldn’t get it up. Luckily this time I didn’t go as far as to getting undressed, but I may have lost my shirt. I can’t really remember but that didn’t really matter. We didn’t really get that far, but still I could tell he wasn’t really into it so I just stopped and laid down next to him. We laid there quietly for a while. He broke the silence by asking me what I was thinking of. I paused at first, but then told him I didn’t think we could be together. I was thinking this because I just couldn’t take the hurt anymore. It felt like garbage being with someone who wasn’t attracted to you. That’s what I live off of. Being called pretty and having other people make me feel good about myself. What would the point be if my own boyfriend couldn’t do that? After the prior two fail attempts whenever Dennis would try to tell me that I was pretty or sexy or attractive in any way I would just be reminded that I knew for a fact it was a lie. I know you’re never supposed to do this, but when I told him I think we should break up, I was actually hoping and expecting he would stop me and tell me that he still loved me and wanted to be with me. He didn’t though. Instead he told me “you’re right. I think we should.” Here, remove depressed, self-hating Kaitlyn, and insert dead but still crying Kaitlyn. Breaking up with someone, to me, had always been something that required a lot of thinking. Not just hearing the suggestion and then agreeing. He must have been thinking this for a while. The thought of that hurt and added onto the now ever more present pain of being unattractive.

I don’t remember what happened exactly, but I think we laid there, half silent, half discussing the new change. After one of the talking periods and somewhat into the quiet, I decided that even though I didn’t want to, it would probably be best for me to leave the situation. Besides, then it wouldn’t make me look so pathetic if I was the one to walk away, especially if he (hopefully) would follow me. I walked downstairs and curled up onto my couch and just absorbed what happened. I really wanted to go back upstairs and ask him more questions so I could possibly understand why that just happened, but I didn’t want to seem that desperate so I made myself stay downstairs until he came after me. I waited twenty minutes for him to call out my name and then another five for him to actually get off his ass to see if I was okay. I spent that time thinking about how stupid I was for suggesting the idea if I didn’t really want it, but how it probably was for the best no matter how bad it hurt because did I really want to be with someone who didn’t really want to be with me? Eventually he came down after me and told me that he figured I just wanted space. We walked back upstairs and went to sleep by each other, but not with each other, in silence.

The next morning, after he started longboarding home, I had him call me. Over the phone we got back together deciding that sex wasn’t important and that was a bad reason to break up. I didn’t know how I felt. I felt happy because I wanted to be with him, more than ever now, but I still felt bad because even though he said otherwise, I felt like he didn’t really want to be back with me.

The later that day he came over again. We went back to my room with uneasy feelings, talked. We tried again to sort of get things going, but two and a half minutes into it he stopped us and dumped me. The rest of the evening he spent sitting in my room listening to me cry and be sad because I wanted to badly for him to love me. I wanted him to love me the way I loved him. I wanted him to want to spend all his time with me. I wanted him to think I had a great ass personality. I wanted him to think I was pretty. I wanted him to find me attractive. I wanted him to love me. He wouldn’t though. And it hurt because I felt all those things about him. He left that night and I went to Emily’s house and slept on that mattress in the middle of the living room and half stalked Dennis through tumblr and half stalked him through Steven. The next day you and Sophia came over to make tie dye.

Liv: I like how these have titles..

Anyway, I can’t really tell how I stand on this, so I basically you feel like you ‘know’ you’re unattractive ( which you so aren’t) but you know a lot of guys would love to be with you.. But you reason with the idea that guys just want something warm to stick it in.. I don’t really think that’s 100% because most guys don’t hit on everything that moves and has a hole.. I think you were right to be upset, but not right to be mad at Dennis. Not being able to get it up could have (and at this moment we didn’t know he was gay) been from a number of things, and like actually no that sounds dumb. I would feel like garbage if the guy I was with couldn’t get it up.. but my natural response is to not confront them, and let them be.. and that’s unhealthy, I’m glad you didn’t do that..None of this message makes sense because I’m getting tired, but I refuse to go to sleep until you do. I feel like putting him on the spot might have not been the best thing for him, but how else would you have handled it? You’re not the type to shrivel up in the dark.. really. Do you still feel this resentment in s small chunk towards Dennis?

me: I knew it was irrational of me to be mad at him. I never said any of those things to him. Those were just my thoughts. I knew that it was in no way his fault that he wasn’t attracted to me. I wasn’t really mad at him because I felt like he wronged me, it was more like, I was just mad that I got hurt and because, in a way, it was him that hurt me, I just channeled that anger towards him in my mind. Like I said, I was mad at the situation, not at Dennis. It was just a little easier to be mad at a person rather than a situation.

Once again though, I knew I was wrong for being mad at him and I never said any of those things. Those were all just thoughts.

I said things more along the lines of, “Is it me?” “Am I just not good enough for you?” “What is it about me?” “Are you gay?” “Ohmygosh, Dennis. Please tell me you’re gay.” “Are you sure you aren’t gay?” “So then what is it about me??”

Also I know that that’s not true about most guys. I was just writing my thoughts at that time. I knew that I was being irrational, but I still knew there was a bit of truth in it.

&&&honestly, I do (still resent Dennis a bit for it.) I don’t remember what number I made it on my list, but when I said I hate him, it’s because he hurt me. We dated for nine months. Six of which he made me feel like garbage from thinking that I was fat and ugly. Then also for hurting me when we broke up. I know both of these things aren’t reasonable things to be mad about though cos he couldn’t control it so I don’t act like it or show it towards anybody, but I can’t help but feel a little bit of resentment towards him for it.

me: >It’s confusing how I feel. Before this conversation I was 100% gay. Now I’m just 100% confused. Talking to you about how great Ben is and how nice Ben is makes me like him more. I can’t tell if it’s a liking in a relationship sort of way, or a friend sort of way. Then again, I have never been able to tell the difference. I just always act off of what I feel like I should feel and what I think everyone around me would be happiest with.

> Don’t worry, I won’t leave you haha

> I half feel like if I continue to go out with Ben then I won’t be leading him on cos I can learn how I’m supposed to be feeling and then feel it. (I’m such a robot. Wow. I’m being so serious though. That’s exactly what I do.)

> I know Dennis doesn’t mean to make me sad, but it’s just cos I feel like he doesn’t like me as much as I like him. I’m so confused with how I feel about Dennis.

> I definitely won’t stop talking to Dennis. Well maybe. I feel like it would be good for me, but it would be hard, and also I couldn’t do that to him. He may not care about me as much as I do him, but I’m sure that would still make him sad. (I feel so weird saying that. Like I just assume he cares about me; whether I stay in his life or not. Who am I to assume he does?)

> Liv, you are one of the best friends I have ever had. I would be honored if you called me your best friend. I mean, I know I have a lot of them, (including you five) but you’re my best friend too. I really have never been so honest with someone in my entire life.

kasperboarding replied to your post: Steven can you tell me what Tumblr is? What's a blog?

Being naked and sending me pictures.