#kasmia

oh yeah hey i Created for the first time in several months

Ohulan,

First of all, please, don't destroy this letter. I know I'm the last person you want to hear from, but these are things I feel you need to know.

Secondly, I am not writing this letter to beg you for forgiveness. There's no point in doing so, because you don't owe me that.

The fact is that, over two years ago, I left you, without any kind of notice whatsoever. It wasn't the first time, either, and I recognize that's probably why it hurt so bad—there shouldn't have been a second time. But there was, of course, and I had my reasons, misguided and backwards as they may have been. Keep in mind that I'm not asking you to find them acceptable, but I do hope you'll understand at the very least.

None of it was intended to hurt you; that was the furthest thing on my mind, in spite of everything else I felt. I loved you just as much when I left as I had prior. But that's what made it hard to stay—I couldn't bear the thought of being a burden to you with how deeply I was grieving. In retrospect, all too late, I realized you'd have understood more than anyone—you'd lost your father and an eye as well. Our bond had the potential to strengthen with that kind of support.

But my mind didn't work that way at the time. Everything was too much and I felt like I was being crushed beneath it. Lurja's death. The loss of my eye. My inability to wield a bow. Being forced from my duty as Arbiter. Another failed attempt at leadership. My inability to be a good partner to you, a good sister to Rurik and Freiha, a good aunt to Isaala. Everyone had their own problems and I just couldn't be there for them.

An impotent, incompetent, irrelevant failure. That's all I could see myself as. So I had to get away from it all. The choices presented to me by my ailing mind were to run, or to end it all. One offered an opportunity at sorting myself out and returning, while the other promised finality and release from everything. And as incredibly tempting as the latter option was, I chose to run.

I don't know if it helps or hurts more for you to know that there wasn't a single day that went by while I was holed up in Pandaria that I didn't think of you, even during the darkest (and drunkest) of them. I wanted to come back. I regretted leaving. But every time I thought about coming home, the fear of facing the pain I'd caused held me back. I was a coward for all of it, and it's going to take a long time to forgive myself for it, which is why I don't expect you to do the same. It's asking far too much of someone who has already suffered deeply from my actions.

I understand if you still don't want to speak to me—or even if you still hate me—after this. That's your choice and your right. I only hope to help give you a measure of peace regarding this particular subject so that you can move on with some kind of closure and freedom from the burdens of the past. However, if you would like to salvage and mend any kind of amicable relationship, I'd be happy to work with you on that. You still mean a great deal to me, despite everything about this situation, and I doubt I'll be able to let go of it for some time. It's because of this that I wish for you to do well and be happy, even if I'm not part of that picture.

Regards, Kasmia

draecember day #2: class swap

6: Does your OC have a realistic image of their own intelligence?She does! Sometimes she underestimates herself, though. But for the most part, she stays within her means, so to speak, and can readily admit when something is well over her head.

7: Does your OC have any irrational phobias?Freiha does not like the back of her neck exposed for some reason she has never been able to explain. It manifested as a child and she’s never grown out of it, even after several millennia.

However, a surefire way to tell how deeply she trusts someone is whether or not she lets them touch this area, or if she allows it to be exposed in their presence. Suffice to say, this number of people is very few.

26: What is the most intense thing your OC has been battling with?Two things apply here as of late: 1.) her possession by the Hound, and what she did while under that influence, and 2.) her death and subsequent resurrection that was more or less a result of that. It’s safe to say she is dealing with some PTSD, though mostly from the former. The latter, while terrifying in its own right, has mostly just made her curious and seeking answers—she knows how rare resurrection is, so how and why was she able to return to life?

10: Does your OC guard their emotions by being tough? If not how would they?Oh, absolutely. If there is one thing Kasmia and Freiha have in common amid all their differences, it’s that they both do this. Kasmia is far more stubborn about it, though; while Freiha is inclined to talk to Varistus about her emotions, Kasmia falters when trying to do the same with anyone, no matter how much she trusts them or how close they are. There’s a long-standing resistance toward showing vulnerability—not because she’s afraid of judgment, but because she always feels like she’s burdening others when she tries to express herself.

21: Does your OC hurt others often intentionally? If yes, how?Not with like, malicious intent, but… sometimes her jokes/teasing might cut a little deep. However, there have been times when she’s lost her temper and snapped at people, and while she may have intended to make them hurt at the time, she almost always regrets it not long after.

27: Does your OC practise any kind of escapism? If yes, what kind?She does, and in the way of… literally just peacing out for awhile. She’ll head off to some distant land without telling anyone. These days, she’s less inclined to do this, since she is in a position of authority in the Sha’tor, but there are times when things get too stressful and the temptation is strong.

13: What kind of situations does your OC avoid the most?Any that may result in lethal force. He refuses to personally kill any sentient being, though he won’t object if it’s the necessary course of action and someone else does it. Rurik has killed out of necessity/in self defense in the past, but he generally doesn’t like how it makes him feel (guilty, doubtful about whether or not it needed to be done, even sick), so he would much rather not have to do it.

19: What boosts your OC’s confidence the most?Affirmation of his improvement as a healer! He has been determined and working very hard ever since discovering his ability, so to hear someone say he’s doing a good job makes him feel very accomplished and eager to do even better.

30: What makes your OC defensive quickest?Insulting anyone in his family. They are all he has, and while his family has extended a bit beyond his surviving sisters (Varistus as Freiha’s mate, Rokhaan as the pair’s son, Ohulan as Kasmia’s partner, Isaala as his own adopted child, Reithie/Jovakor/Jalura as chosen “siblings” + “niece”), he loves them all dearly. If anyone says anything bad about them, he is quick to defend them—even Freiha, who wasn’t particularly kind to him upon learning of his spiritual abilities.

1: What’s your OC’s biggest insecurity and how would they react if someone pointed it out to them?Hadi’ra is often worried that no one takes her seriously… but that’s kind of her own fault. Though she is highly intelligent, the fact that she acts very haughtily contributes to this insecurity. She hasn’t quite realized that this lofty attitude makes others see her as as vain and arrogant, not someone who is clever, like she thinks it does.

22: How does your OC usually show affection? Are they openly romantic or more restricted with their affectionate emotions?She is very open with her affection. This typically involves touching, holding, and generally being close, rather than subtle and personal expressions.