I am at peace now. I finally understand what my role is. Football has blessed me more than I could ever fathom. I have lived my dreams, and feel so blessed because many never get the chance or the opportunity to do so. I realize just how important Shinji Kanewa has been to my life and my success. Before he came along I might have taken certain things for granted. I got complacent and was swayed by all the success that rushed at me. I forgot just how fleeting these things are and if your grip isn’t strong enough, someone with a stronger hold and a more voracious appetite will climb past you. That person happened to be Kanewa. I had been spoiled by all I had achieved prior to his arrival, and when he came, I was caught unawares. Yes I panicked and faltered…but failure is meant to strengthen us.

It’s now a year and a half since he’s been gone. I heard he had some complications the first time he tried to come back. Something about the initial surgery not going the way it should have. I was told he was rushed back too soon and in the end both he and his team have suffered for it. It saddens me that the world of football has gone so long without one of its major stars, trust me when I say this, Shinji has been sorely missed!

Yet I am positive that he will get better and return to top form. I can’t wait to continue where we left off for I think I am a better man now. I don’t dwell in the shadow of his reputation anymore, I don’t fear it. I know we can coexist on the world stage without trying to rip each other‘s throat out. I recognize just how much of a blessing we are to the game. Two outstanding players coming into their own, elevating their games and showcasing just how great our sport is. It’s such a shame that I failed to notice this until he was out. We owe it to the world to push ourselves, to bring out the best, not just in each other, but also our teammates and opposition.

We have inspired many through our play, just like others before us have done the same. I can’t believe I am saying this, but there’s more to life than rivalries, it only cheapens the game when we focus on petty things. Competition is great; enmity is not and as much as I love playing, I know I can only do it for so long. Something or should I say someone else shares my love now and I am beyond ecstatic just thinking about it.

I met Ailea a few months after Kanewa went down. Interestingly enough, she happens to be a Juventus fan. She was interviewing me for one of the sports magazines she works for, and I couldn’t help but fall for her. She’s everything I yearn for in a woman. Why I need to mention this I am not sure. But it adds to the fact that I am at peace with myself. My fragmented soul, torn between so many things, looks and feels more whole than it has ever been. Ailea being a major reason for that.

She’s thought me how to love, and how to enjoy the things I truly care about. There was a period in time when I felt I was playing catch-up to Kanewa. I didn’t like him one bit and I kept getting frustrated at how well he was doing. Through her, I saw the folly of my ways, along with my ever supportive family, agent and coaches. The darkness that could have gripped my soul is no more, banished to the distant reaches of my psyche never to be culled forth again.

Ailea deserves her own story and I won’t cheapen it by dedicating just a few lines to her here. She came in my life at a time I did not feel like I needed saving. Little did I know I was wrong. I was marooned on an island created by my own insecurities and doubts, too proud to ask for help. Of what use is winning accolades when you still see bogeymen at every junction. Even with Kanewa sidelined by injuries, I never could fully accept the fact I was winning awards based on my merit. Ailea changed all that, and I will forever be grateful to her.

I must thank my old Coach Manuel, my loyal agent Hector and of course my mother and siblings. Without them none of this would be possible. They have all played an integral part in my life and my story would never be complete without including them.

I feel like I have exhausted all I can say about this. Sometimes brevity is my foe. What started off as a mere journal chronicling my achievements has evolved into a time machine, one I hadn’t realized I needed. In these moments of reflection, I have learned a lot about the ties that bind us, how I got to this point and what’s ahead. For this I am grateful. What I aimed to gain from this was comprehension of which I can vouch I have finally attained.

I have tried to reach out to Kanewa, even tried visiting him in hospital. But I also know the media will turn it into some circus. The last thing both of us want is trying to blow this out of proportion. I was told by mutual friends that Kanewa is thankful for my well wishes and looks forward to us meeting on the soccer field again.

I did win the Ballon D’Or that year. Surprisingly enough it was pretty close as Kanewa still got a sizable amount of votes despite his injury. It only goes to show how much respect he had in soccer circles.

I realize I will always be second guessed about winning that award, but I will not let that stain my achievements. Milan won both the European cup and our domestic league, it was not like we didn’t prove ourselves on the big stage.

It was beginning to dawn on me that I was firmly in Kanewa’s shadow. The more I tried to break away, the more it seemed to envelope me. The sad part was I had also imposed some of this on myself. The Kanewa boogeyman construct was doing a good job on my mind.

One event that will be firmly seared in my memory was what has been dubbed as ‘the meltdown’. I am not proud of that moment but looking back, it was what was needed for Manuel to intervene.

We had just finished a match which we had lost. As usual, players were presented to the media to answer questions. It was a game I felt we should have won, especially since it was rife with dubious officiating. I was already peeved by the outcome of the game and wasn’t in any mood to be answering questions but since it was customary we do so after every game, I couldn’t avoid it.

The usual sets of questions ensued, basically trying to get us to admit we played poorly and could have done better. One particular guy though kept badgering, and it was becoming increasingly clear he had an agenda. Eventually I lost my cool when he implied that I was coasting because Kanewa was no longer in the picture and had no competition for the top individual awards. I had never been that livid before, but anyone in that room will testify to just how enraged I was. I yelled back at him, berating him and anyone in the media questioning my desire. This whole thing transpired in the span of a few minutes, but it felt like an eternity. Soon it was all over sports media and the Internet. Memes and gifs of that breakdown would flood message boards and social networks. My one moment of madness had been immortalized by technology.

Ironically, that slip up of mine seemed to gain me more fans. In that period of my losing it, they saw a guy who was passionate about winning and it galvanized them to support me. All of a sudden, the guys who thought I was taking advantage of Kanewa’s absence started seeing me in a new light; and whilst it’s impossible to convince everyone out there that I cared deeply about the sport, I was able to peel off some of my skeptics onto my side.

The other positive was my high school coach taking time out to come see me. Those few days he spent with me were as valuable as gold. My former coach/teacher /mentor/father figure was precisely what I needed at that point in my life. He was able to see through all the defenses I had put up around myself; get me to open up, and start the process of healing. I began to realize Kanewa wasn’t the one I feared nor hated, in fact there was a lot of admiration for him when I delved further into my psyche.

He had conquered what I had found difficult to do. Whereas I was still struggling with success and the fame that came with it, Kanewa had no such problem. He had stayed pretty much the same guy, so he never had to compromise much. He avoided publicity despite being one of the most marketable names in the world. He remained humble despite all the accolades pouring in, and never sought to steal the spot light for himself. It shamed me to think that I had let some of my success get to my head.

We were all reeling from Shinji’s injury. I imagine there was no one who called themselves a soccer fan that had not heard or seen what happened to him. It sent shock waves through the sports world, especially when it was reported that he had broken his leg in two places. He would be out for at least a year, effectively wrapping up his current season and perhaps the next.

Alas, one man’s tragedy is another’s redemption. Where one journey ends, another begins. I had been in a slump up to that point, but his injury seemed to have propelled me to quell my doubts. I felt somewhere in my mind that I had to step up now that Kanewa was out. The game needed someone to step into the vacuum created by Shinji’s absence and I was the only one who could rightfully do so. Sure there were other great players in our sport, but Kanewa and I were rightfully seen as 1a and 1b. If there was anyone that could do a good job of coming close to his type of production, it would most likely be me.

At first I must admit, his absence spurred me out of whatever slump I was in and my production spiked; churning out goals and doing my best to help my team advance in all competitions we were in. I was the clear cut choice for Ballon D’Or now, but a segment of fans and the media were not so subtle in their assertion that I could not have won it without Kanewa going down. I tried to ignore it, but the seeds of doubt don’t have to germinate immediately, give it time and watch as they come into full bloom.

The season progressed, Juventus our counterparts though a strong team without Kanewa simply could not keep up with us. We beat them in our remaining match ups and established our dominance in Italy once again, but interestingly enough, whereas I should have been elated with our prospects, those wins felt hollow to me. Those seeds I had mentioned earlier were finally growing.

Winning should quell all doubts, but instead, mine seemed to persist. An annoying, nagging feeling that I was only succeeding because my rival was out. As much as I tried to convince myself that I had been doing well long before Kanewa had popped up on the scene, it did nothing to put away these thoughts. I had returned to being soccer’s golden boy, yet it felt so vacuous. These people had begrudgingly let me into their hearts once more, mostly because the guy that had filled that role was recuperating in some hospital.

I was the inconvenient place holder, only on the throne because the current king was absent. I hated the feeling of second guessing every achievement. Questioning every accolade, wondering if I was truly deserving or not. I started to hate Kanewa. Not the person, but the media construct. He was the cause of a lot of my mental woes. Even when he was recuperating in a hospital God knows where, this little terror was having a field day with my thoughts.

Like I said previously, the doubts had slipped in, and were trying to stake out territory in my mind. Fortunately for me and unfortunate for my insecurities, I am a professional first and foremost, I might slip up but I never remain down for long.

Thankfully by the time I was able to dispel most of my worries, Milan had not suffered for it. My teammates had stepped up in my absence and we were still challenging Juventus on all fronts. Sadly the same could not be said for my rivalry with Kanewa. In the short span of me being off my game, he had capitalized and was now leading me by as much as 7 goals in the Serie A and 10 goals in all competitions. I had no one to blame but myself.

There were still a lot of games to be played but even I knew to knock Kagewa off his perch, my team would have to win more trophies than his. Little did I know that exactly one week from then, Kagewa would be taken out of the picture, leaving the path to the Ballon D’Or wide open for me.

Said event was supposed to be just another game for Juventus. In fact at the time of the occurrence, they were up three goals with about fifteen minutes to go. Many in the media would question why the coach left his star player in the game after such a comfortable lead. Many fans would ask for him to be fired thinking he jeopardized their season. I seem to think cooler heads should have prevailed as no one could have predicted what would happen during that game.

Mass hysteria enveloped the arena at the unbelievable sequence that just took place. I can’t begin to sum up what was going through my mind but I do recall taking off my jersey and streaking into the stands, mobbed by a sea of adoring fans. That was one of the most important goals I had ever scored in my career. It kept us firmly in the title race with Juventus, but more importantly we didn’t lose the psychological battle.

We had been second fiddle to them for a while now; it was beginning to take its toll on our psyche. This result proved we could play with them and despite the dubious non-call at the end; we had played them well that day. Our season and title aspirations would come down to our next game against them…the ‘decider’.  Whichever team won that game most likely would win the league. I suspected our next encounter would be a fierce battle, the stakes would be high and everyone on that pitch would be putting their best on the line. I loved it! Quite frankly I didn’t want it any other way.

When it came to the Ballon D’or, Kanewa and I were neck and neck. It could go either way, depending on how our individual seasons turned out. Come mid-season he was leading me by five goals in domestic competition but I had a higher tally in European and international competition. Most likely the prestigious award would go to the one whose team won more trophies that year. As much as the footballer of the year was an individual award, it was still the height most players aimed for and I was hungry to reach it again.

No one really knows what the voters use to select the Ballon D’Or winner, but it is widely rumored that candidates and their respective teams have to excel in their domestic leagues and competitions. Considering we were tied with Juventus in Italy and also alive in European competition, I knew the award would boil down to whoever had more accolades at the end of the season.

I ate, slept and breath football that year. My obsession for perfection was scary. I channeled everything I had into being the best I could be on the field of play. I cut down all my distractions, devoting most of my time to the game and if not for contractual obligations I probably would have done without attending any social events that season. My PR crew was worried I would piss off my sponsors, but I could care less what they thought. My sights were set on winning and proving to the world I was no second fiddle to Kanewa. My mother was worried at how much I was alienating myself from others, but even she couldn’t understand just how focused I was on the task at hand.

The results paid off as I excelled that year and in turn, so did Milan. Yet despite it being my best year on the field of play, Kanewa was right there breathing down my neck. Whenever I tried to shrug him off, he only came back stronger, and soon the doubts started creeping in.

What if we couldn’t beat Juventus (and by this point of the season, we were going to have to face them in all competitions we were in to reach our goal)? What if Kanewa won the Ballon D’Or again? Would that effectively doom my chances of ever winning it again? I was giving my all, yet he seemed to have no trouble keeping up, and the scary part, was that he was getting better. As the seeds of doubt were growing within me, it began to affect my play. Decisions I normally took without second guessing myself now began to bother me. I was not as effective as I normally would and my play began to falter.