#kamuuk

  The clinic was warm and clean with faint pumped-up music playing in the background from a small Bluetooth speaker. It smelled faintly of citrus. Estela was greeted warmly by the very robotic looking blueblood at the front desk. You had met him a handful of times. He was always very kind to Estela. He complimented the ribbon in her hair and made some small talk before Visper came out to collect her. You attempted to follow your sibling but Visper told you to stay in the waiting area. You were bitter about it, but took a seat in one of the plastic chairs regardless. You were content to scroll on your palmhusk with a scowl. That was, until a specific song came on. 

  You couldn't hide the sourness if you tried. And honestly, you made an attempt to ignore it. You barely lasted thirty seconds. With an annoyed sigh, you set your palmhusk on your thigh and look up to glower at the blueblood. For a moment, you were surprised to find him staring at you. But your annoyance at the song overrode the surprise. 

  "Can you turn that off?" 

  There was a pause. The music was not shut off. "Can I ask why? Whysteria isn't my type of music but I don't think they're horrible." 

  "I just...don't like that song." You were determined as ever to speak as little as possible. This did not please the blueblood. His face was startlingly deadpan. Regardless, he reached over to the speaker and turned down the volume to where it was barely audible. 

  Now, that could have been it. And you would have been perfectly fine. You picked up your palmhusk and resumed your scrolling through Chitter. Much to your dismay, the blueblood rose from his seat. And made his way over...to sit in the seat next to you. You glare at him from the side of your eye but make no first attempt at contact. 

  "If my memory serves me, I believe that song had...some sort of pitch connotations. I met the singer when he lost his arm, you know. He never mentioned a pitch. I thought that was weird." The blueblood spoke as if you two were close friends. The mention of Bruuno just twisted the knife in your already ruined mood. 

  "Good for him. I don't care." You turned your attention back to the screen but didn't resume scrolling. You just ended up glowering at a post about sourdough starters. However, the blueblood set his hand on your leg. As if you two were friends, like he knew your whole life story. Anger bubbled up violently but quickly melted away, for some uncertain reason. There was a split second where you wanted to remove this stranger’s only flesh arm. As quick as the feeling came, you were mellow.

  "Ah, but I think you do." His tone was cool and collected. For some reason, his confidence shook you more than it should've. You turned your head to glower at him instead. 

  "Does it matter if I do? Who the fuck are you anyways?" 

  "I'm Romune. It matters to me because you are Estela's brother, yes? So your mood directly affects her mood and, by proxy, her recovery. If you're going to be a bitter sonovabitch, you can at least do it...not in my office. But if you're going to sit here and look as if someone kicked your lusus, you can at least talk about it so it doesn't affect Estela later." Somehow, Romune managed to be completely deadpan, even while insulting you. And for some reason...you were fine with it. You were silent for a moment before continuing. 

  "You aren't my moirail." 

  "And you aren't mine. Clearly you don't talk to yours about this, otherwise you wouldn't be sitting here with a glare that could kill. Consider it a free pass to say whatever is on your mind." 

  Is that allowed? Your expression turned from bitter to concerned. You were allowed to do that? It was a strange thought. You weren't entirely sure you were capable of it. Your gaze turns to the door that Visper and Estela disappeared behind. 

  Romune answered your question before you could even ask it. "Estela will be a while. Visper wanted to do adjustments. We have...an hour? Maybe more. So, talk." 

  Talk? Was that possible? You look down at your palmhusk, at the sourdough starter on the screen. Has anyone ever asked you to just...talk before? 

  “About what?” Your voice is smaller than you’d care to admit. There’s a soft tink tink tink as Romune taps his metal jaw with his metal hand, but his organic one remains on your leg. For some reason, you aren’t mad at it. The feeling of his hand was keeping you grounded. 

  “Well, what are you thinking? What has made that handsome face so sour?” There’s an odd amount of affection behind his words. Your brow furrows as your chest swirls with emotions. Words never were your friend. It was always easier to hide things. Close up your heart and your mouth. The longer they were open, the easier it was to hurt you. The silence that lingered between you and Romune was uncomfortable enough for you to want to fill it. He obviously wasn’t going to. You heave a sigh, and turn off the screen to your palmhusk. 

    “I’m...worried.” That was a start. 

    “About?” But it wasn’t a very good one. 

    “Her.” You pause for a moment, and Romune doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t have to, because the words start to spill out of you in a way they never have before. You weren’t sure if they were betraying you by exposing your heart, or helping in some twisted way. “She’s...very similar to him. Maybe it’s the alcohol? I’m not...sure. Lup drinks too. It bothers me when she drinks, as well.” 

    “So is your problem with the alcohol, or because…?” 

    “Because it reminds me of him. I had to wrigglersit him when he was drunk...make sure he got hive safe, or stayed with me. A weird part of me liked it when he was drunk. Because he wasn’t using other substances. I don’t really mind it with Lup. She’s a different kind of drunk. She drinks for other reasons. Ketspa...drinks...like he did.” They both drink because they have heavy hearts, because there’s something weighing on their souls. They’d rather be drunk than face the harsh reality of whatever is weighing on them. 

    “I see.” Romune’s tone made you believe that he really did see. “Is it...just the drinking that upsets you? It seems there’s more to this.” 

    “There is.” You hated how easy it was to admit that. Speaking to this man went against everything you believed in, and yet it was so easy to. “She says we’re together. I...have mixed feelings about that. I know she isn’t Bruuno.” 

    “But..?” 

    “But I’m terrified.” You actually laugh. It’s bitter and full of self loathing. “She’s so similar to him. And so different. The difference scares me. The similarity scares me. What am I going to do if she cheats like he did? That’s not even the scariest part! At least if she cheats, I expected it. I know what to do, maybe. What really terrifies me is having no fucking idea what she’ll do.” 

    “Well,” Romune interjected, preventing you from spiralling completely out of control, “Let’s take this one step at a time. What happens if she cheats?”

    “...I forgive her. I don’t want to shut out everyone again. I don’t want to talk about it to them, but I won’t lose them. I can’t go through that again.” Your voice shakes against your will. You wouldn’t know what to do if you ever lose Giti and Lup. Both of them keep you sane, for lack of a better word. You deal with the crippling fear of losing Giti to an untimely death every day, and the thought of Lup turning her back on you just as Boroka had done is too dark to think about. You’d much rather forgive Ketspa and forget it ever happened to prevent any of that from happening. 

    “And what happens if she doesn’t cheat? Theoretical, my friend. A perfect world, and she never cheats.” 

    You are overcome with silence again. Your words were lost deep in your chest. Romune seemed to take note of your silence, because he changed the question when nothing came out. 

    “Is it really the cheating that you’re afraid of?” 

    “I…” Panic and frustration bubble up once more. You knew this feeling well. It would make your head turn to static and you’d feel nothing but anger. You closed your eyes for a brief moment, mentally preparing yourself for the waves of upsetting emotions. But they never came. As quickly as they bubbled up, they were swept away. An eerie feeling of serene calmness rested in your chest. You open your eyes and exhale. 

    “I’m afraid of her. Because I don’t know what she’s going to do. What she’ll ever do. With Bruuno...I had him down to a T. I could predict everything. Well..almost everything. I guess if I had actually known him that well..I would’ve predicted the cheating, huh?” Your tone is sad but playful. 

    “Not necessarily, my friend,” The smoothness of Romune’s voice helped the calm feeling to grow, “You can only blame yourself, and him, so much. Eventually, you have to let it go. And you have to accept that this girl...is new. As Bruuno once was. You didn’t start your relationship with him having known him so well, did you?” 

    “...I guess not?”

    “So there. You don’t know this girl...but you will, eventually.” 

    You were silent again. You sat with that thought for a moment. Romune was silent as well, allowing you to mill for the time being. It was oddly reassuring. 

    “What should I do?” You ask softly as you realize the screen on your palmhusk had gone dark. An unusual man stared back from the dark screen. Sure, he looked like you. But he looked tired, he looked emotionally exhausted. Everything about the man in the reflection was what you fought so hard to hide from the world. 

    “So you start anew, my friend. It is good to move on past the things that hurt us. You have to allow your heart to heal. I believe this girl...is a good way to do that. You may not know her now but you will one day. And you’ll look back on these doubts and fears and think of them as silly.” 

    “But wha-”

    “Nope, no what ifs.” Romune managed to interrupt you in the most polite of ways. It almost made you mad. “You are allowing yourself to spiral. You need to show yourself that she isn’t everything you’re afraid of. You can do it. Take it slow. But don’t be so afraid, my friend. Life is too long to be afraid of the unknown.” 

    Just as he stopped speaking, the door to Visper’s office opened. Estela came out stretching her arms over her head. Visper followed close behind. Romune stood up, removing his hand from your thigh. Almost instantly, the serene feeling faded away. You weren’t angry...just numb. 

    Romune wandered over towards Estela. You heard chatter, but you were too distracted to hear exactly what they were saying. Your palmhusk dinged. A notification popped up on the screen. You were surprised that Ketspa would message you first. You read over her message and even found yourself smiling...ever so slightly. 

    Estela stopped in front of you and flicked your forehead, “C’mon doof. I wanna take a nap. Rom said there’s a cool cafe nearby, let’s stop there and get some bevs.” 

    You stood up with a slight nod. You hold the door open for Estela as you leave. You make it a short distance down the street before she asked, “What were you and Rom talking about?”

    “Stuff.”

★ ★ ★ 

    Romune watched the two fuchsias leave the office silently. When the door shut behind them, he sighed deeply and took a seat back behind his desk. His arms folded in front of him so he could lay his head down and rest for a moment. 

    “You really ought to take it easy with the powers, Rom.” Visper leaned her hip against the desk and set a hand on Romune’s head, “It’s starting to become a bit much, hm?”

    Romune groaned in response. 

    “How long were you doing it? The whole time we were back there? Oh, Rom.” Visper shook her head slightly, making a soft tsk tsk sound.

    Romune groaned again, softer. 

    “Did it give you a migraine? Serves you right, you nosy bastard. Take an asprin.” Visper pushed off the desk so she could get a small cup of water from the fountain nearby. Romune lifted his head so he could retrieve the painkillers and take them. 

    “You know it hurts. You’ve known this your whole life. Why do you still do it?” Visper crossed her arms over her chest as she waited. 

    “Sometimes we do things that hurt us because they’re fun.” Romune’s voice was soft, no longer deadpan.