#kaitsdiary

motherfucking adults don’t know the essence of motherfucking time. 

can u pls all grow up and realize that it is not your time you are wasting.

trabaho po ung nakalaan dito. like hello??

mygawd kung pwede lang mag-mura, ginawa ko na.

bring me back to my media days kung saan kahit hassle at walang tulog, marunong naman magpahalaga ng oras.

every second count ika nga. eh kayo anu gawa?

simpleng reply di kaya? kaw na tinwagan, ayaw pa?

I would always tell her how grateful she should be for having another day to spend it with her family, friends.

How she’s lucky to still have a comfortable home that would shelter her from the cold and cruel outdoors.

How she gets what she wants with just one ask.

But she’d choose to dwell on other things;

On how she is unworthy of everything she has

Or how she’s not capable of doing what others can

And how everything went wrong.. still go wrong

She’d wake up every 11 in the morning just to sleep for a few hours more

She’d stare at the food that she was left with, and decide to give it to her dogs

I’m not hungry. That’s what she always tells me.

Some days, I believe her. Others, she tries to convince me it’s the truth.

She barely does anything. She doesn’t even read anymore and my God, she loves reading books – sci fi, romance, suspense, anything.

She sleeps the whole afternoon just to wake up a few minutes before her parents gets home.

They’d ask her if she ate lunch and she’d say Yes. Liar. We both know you didn’t.

I don’t when it was but I knew once, she tried to tell them the truth.

Why she refuse to eat. But then the light faded away from her eyes cause she thought about the scenario.

Here she is again, folks! Overthinking.

Her: I didn’t eat today

Them: You always do that to yourself. Do you want to get sick?

No, mom. I’m already sick.

You see.. the problem is. Some people only think about the possibilities involving your physical health. Or how much food you’re wasting.

Or how irritating it is that you’re acting like that.

Never mind what’s up in there in your head.

They’ll just think you’re on your period.

Or that you’re emotional.

Some days she is happy, genuinely.

You’ll see the rush of excitement and how she’s truly living.

Give it a week or month. Three months, tops. And there she goes again.

Crying her heart out and asking if someone recognized the slight change in her mood, in her ability to talk.

There she goes again, writing. Writing. Writing.

Just write it all out. It worked the last time. It will work again.

Then you’ll get over this. Like always.

You’re going to read another book or another story in your phone.

You’re going to talk to your friends and not mention about this.

How you broke down a couple of minutes ago.

Because what will you say to them, right?

You broke down because of a book? About a girl who committed suicide cause she gave up on life?

Because you – yourself – sometimes think that way?

That sometimes you just want to fade away?

That it won’t be as dramatic as Hannah Baker’s death but it will be as painful?

No. You won’t tell them.

So write. Open that laptop and write.

Write till there are no more words.

Write till you think that you’re just getting emotional. Again.

Blame the book because it opened up feelings.

It opened up wounds.

It opened up buried memories.

Of you and your childhood and him and you and her and her friends and everyone else.

Write.

Write in roleplay – where they don’t know the real you and what you’re going through. How they think it’s just you making stories but the truth is, every story and poem you wrote was a reflection on how you really feel

Write in your blog of your real life friends to someday see – where they won’t get to see your other writings because it is tucked away in another place. Because then they’ll know the things you don’t tell them when you meet them for coffee and bonding.

Write.

Till there’s nothing left but those words.

And she wrote. Day. Night.

On her laptop, on her phone.

On her notebook, on her planner.

She wrote it on her skin and in corners.

Then she gets ready for bed and thinks about what she wrote.

How dramatic it was.

And how she wants someone to find all of her writings, no matter how theatrical and ridiculous it was – and tells her, I heard you.

Pick yourself up cause you’re not giving up tonight, I said.

how do you tell people that it’s not a simple i’m just lazy. it’s more than that. it’s the whole i’m tired. but i want to do a lot of things but my mind and body and feelings won’t cooperate with me. i can’t do anything about it. goddamnit, i’m just so tired. 

today i had a breakdown. i didn’t mean for it to happen. it was a simple i was about to meet with my friends. it was as simple as that. i wanted to see them, trust me. but a few hours before i’m about to leave the house, i started listing down the pros & cons of going out. up until i was in the shower, i was debating with myself to go or not. when i was in my room, i lost all the strength to go even though my mind kept telling me that i should do something productive today - to stop doing the same thing over and over again.

truth is, i’m tired. i’m tired of seeing other people, of telling them the same thing whenever we meet: i’m okay, i’m just taking care of the dogs, chill lang. 

i’m tired of their questions and i’m tired of having to put up with them. yung tipong, nawalan na ako ng gana. that’s when i started distancing myself to others. from the office, to the warehouse, to high school friends and college friends. and let me tell you, it sucks. cause i wasn’t like this. 

i was the adventurous one. i was the one who likes going out for no reason. the one who wastes money just because she wants some coffee. i eat and have foodtrip all the time. 

now.. i barely go out. i don’t even wanna get out of the house. i just want to stay in one place. i don’t want to talk to others. i don’t want their questions. i don’t even eat sometimes. i only eat when there are people around me because i don’t want them asking questions on why i’m not eating.

i don’t know okay. i don’t feel like eating. i am not hungry. the food tastes bland. i just want to sleep because in sleep i don’t think about all these stuff.

my mom made a comment saying, tinatamad lang siya.

i answered her with iba yung tinatamad sa down ako.

and they started asking me kung bakit. how can i explain to them that sometimes i just feel so tired and sad? that i don’t want to move. that i don’t want to see people. that all i can do is think - about everything. and it sucks. it sucks. it sucks. because i want to move. i want too see things. i want to bond with my friends but this fucking feeling is taking over, making me question things. 

i had a breakdown an hour ago. i wanted to throw things. i wanted to shout.

but instead i wrote on my skin. see, i’m not one of those artsy people who can doodle and paint. so i resorted to writing. 

i wrote: You took away my sunlight so I learned to glow in the dark. because even in my dark times i want to see something good. that i can do it by myself. 

the other one i wrote is: God is within her, she will not fall. i needed strength. i needed to remind myself that i am not alone. that even if some can’t fully understand it, He’s here for me.

i feel like i’m getting depressed again. or did i ever stop being depressed? so a few months ago, i have two friends who were sad cause they still couldn’t find a job. guess what? now they have jobs and i don’t have one yet.. and now i’m getting depressed. i don’t have someone to rant with, talking about how some companies don’t text back to let you know you weren’t accepted. i have no one raiding my house or asking me to go on a series marathon with them cause they have nothing to do. 

i’m happy for them, i am. because finally, they’re out of still-no-job depressed state. am i sad? i don’t know. sometimes i don’t feel anything but lately all i’m doing is sleep - three to four times a day. i only have breaks and i have to do something inside the house like surf the net or feed the dogs. 

this year, i’mma spend it with papa & mama’s officemates cause christmas party. wth. 

Life is short. I just wish I’ve repaid my parents + tita everything they have given me.

If in case I die out of an accident.. or something too sudden. This is what I want my family to do with everything I own:

1. My Asus laptop goes to my Papa Mario. I want someone to teach him how to use it so he may use the computer at the warehouse

2. My Mac laptop goes to Katrina Jacobe. It’s time for her to use an actual laptop. Hindi yung nakikiheram pa syan.

3. I have a Toshiba laptop, still working even without the battery - give it to Tin Tin & Jomar

4. My books - I want Roxanne Rasco, Patricia de Leon, and Kyle Suarez to have it. They can choose whatever they want to keep. I would recommend Forbidden, Thirst, John Green books, and Choker. The rest of my books - give it to my friends. I would recommend giving it to Ralfh Labitag, Jane Antonio, Erika Lasay, and Kelvin Fernando. If no one wants the others - donate it. To a bookstore, to charity, whatever.

5. My itouch - iwan niyo nalang sa kwarto ko. Baka makinig pa ko ng music in the afterlife. Or give it to my Tita Jean. Para iplug in niya sa car niyo so she can have other music other than Ariana Grande.

6. My phone - give it to Tin Tin. She needs a new phone, for Pete’s sake.

7. The money left in my r*** - give it to my Papa Mario. Pasabi na ipamigay niya sa mga pinsan ko sa Cabanatuan.

8. My clothes - donate it. Mas kailangan yan ng ibang tao.

9. My diaries and planners - keep it. I want to be remembered in those pages. Where I’ve been, what I did, whom I’m with.

10. Bags - give it to my cousins. I’m sure they’d love it. Oh, and give some to my Mama Evelyn. She loves bags.

11. Make up/ lotions/ whatever - use it before it expires or throw them, IDC.

12. Shoes - ang kapareho ko lang ng paa is si Pat and Celine. Pag hatiin nila if they want.

13. Other stuff I own - either let my family use it or donate it to charity. Para may magawa naman akong tama in the afterlife.

14. I’ve always wanted to be cremated and then isasaboy yung ashes ko somewhere pretty like an ocean or what. But then baka ayaw ng parents ko so... kung sila ang masusunod, donate a part of me na pwede pang idonate. Like a heart? Or whatever. Pero kung ako ang masusunod, cremate me. And then get a few ashes, put it in a really cool container and then lagay niyo lang sa living room or sa kwarto ko. It’s still me even if it’s all ash and jar, you know?

I just needed to write this down.

I was never really the girl whom you could call pretty. No, I’m not writing this down for self-pity or for people to tell me otherwise. It’s the truth. I have fair skin, chinky eyes, I needed to use braces because my teeth were uneven. My eyes are shitty so I needed to use glasses. A lot of people would tell me on how I maintain my body - slim not  sexy. I have small boobs, okay butt, not fat.  They’d tell me how amazing it is because I have such confidence to wear crop tops and shorts and boots. But that’s all I have really, confidence.  My mother would always scold me not to scratch the bites that the mosquitos have given me. Growing up, all I know was that I had sensitive skin. Just one bite, and it would scar. I don’t know if people notice it but whenever they ask me.. Nagka chicken pox ka?  Questioning why I have such bruises, I would ignore the question. Anu nga naman ang sasabihin ko diba? I tried hard not to scratch it and when I entered college, my skin got better. 

Still, I’m guessing my own skin hates me because when I was in first year college, I got a disease.. resulting me to have a lot of bruises forming on my neck to the side of my face. That time, I swear I hated myself. Yung tipong, mapapatanong ka na.. bakit yung iba normal naman? Yung tipong.. ayos naman yung balat? O yung buhok? O yung katawan? Bakit ikaw, hindi? And for fcks sake, I was already in college then!

I tried to ignore it, I swear I did. I tried to boost my confidence. Siguro kaya ang hilig kong bumili ng damit - kasi dun nalang ako nag eexcel pag dating sa physical appearance eh. I never pitied myself on why I wasn’t the girl that guys liked. I mean, yeah. Some tries to get my attention at parties or whatnot but then.. my insecurities always eat me up. I don’t think they’d understand because they’re not the ones dealing with it.

Last week I just found out that I have skin asthma. Atopic Dermatitis. Fcker. That’s the reason why hindi na nga ako nag kakamot, or pinapansin yung kagat sakin ng lamok and still.. nagbru-bruise ako. At ang tagal nya mawala ah! Weeks! If not, months!

Ever since I graduated, I self-pitied myself more. I’d always tell my friends that I’m getting depressed because I still don’t have a job but with that also comes the depression of looking at myself in the mirror. The skin asthma got worse. I swear, I’m doing everything. Hindi ako nakakalimot sundin instructions ng derma ko. But lately, I got 10 bites from IDK if it’s from a mosquito or another insect. Minsan, gigising nalang ako may bruises na ko.