#kabash

Hey tumblr, Wow ok so it hasn't even been a day and I'm dying, I need to speak to him already. I'm so weak. I did something horrible to myself and I also downloaded all the pictures she's sent me of them from my email to my phone, I read our conversations that were saved on my phone, I stared at his picture for more than 5 minutes and cried, but I also went back to read our old emails. I downloaded the pictures to force myself to let go to try and hate him for all the harm I've been put through and all I see is him she becomes a blur and instantly irrelevant. That didn't help me. The conversation on my phone is so bland, so simple and all it is, is arguing and complete shit. My favorite picture of him is the one where he's promoting Victoria who was his opponent while he ran for vice pres. I stared at that picture and cried. What made me cry hard were our old emails... We were so into each other he told me things that captivated me. He seemed so into me, I could feel the excitement when he called me baby or babe and I pictured him typing away his sweet words. What happened? He said I was his one and only... I made him actually feel happy... I was his everything... I believed him. It's 4:16 and I'm crying again. I haven't been able to sleep or eat right for days now because of this. Things won't ever be the same.. I can't force him to be with me, to love me, to settle. So I won't. I'm sorry for using my own best friend and bothering him every day about him. I'm sorry to all my followers on twitter who daily see me rant about how depressed I am. I'm sorry to him for pressuring him so much and making him feel hopeless and overwhelmed. I'm sorry to myself for being so pathetic and depressed. I'm sorry. Wow I really did fall hard. Crazy. So crazy. He made me believe I could trust and love again, I thought I had done the same. I'm going to drive myself insane... I can't do this anymore... I want to get rid of me and make everyone happy. I truly believe my existence in this world isn't necessary and that I was given a second chance on earth for no reason. I'm a useless, pathetic, unappealing, repulsive girl who fell in love and now is broken and can't climb out of the hell hole of depression. Someone put me out of my misery, you'll do everyone a favor, you'll do me a favor. Someone please.

I did the hardest thing this morning and I sent the longest text to him. I was broken down already. I couldn't take it anymore, I was angry and frustrated and so much more. It was like a scene out of a movie.. Me crying in the bathtub at 3:30am and typing and deleting then typing some more. I kept staring at the message reading it over and over and he finally read it at 10:01, 18minutes ago. What went through his mind? Fuck, I even had a dream with him and it was so weird. I ended up in tears and he just kept looking at me and then simply walked away. I feel like I'm alone right now, I really don't have anyone, and I'm in so much emotional pain. I'm so drained. I need my escape but not even he is there anymore. My life is a complete joke now. I just hope he's happy... That's all that matters to me... Wow this is so hard. )': )': holy shit I'm sorry