Top Posts Tagged with #jynxyearns

Did you mean it in a friend way?

When you said you loved me, did you mean it in a friend way, or..?

Because I'd like to know. Because when I got really flustered, I hoped you didn't. When I mumbled an I love you back, I know I didn't. I most definitely did not. I could not. Let me be very clear on this. It was not in a friend way. I must say this with as much certainty and clarity as humanly possible. I did not, I could not, feel or say it in a friend way. It was most certainly, most definitely, with utmost surety, not in a friend way.

When you asked me to travel half a European country's distance and move in with you, did you mean it in a friend way? In that same breath, you did insinuate that we were friends. I don't want to assume. Because no number of European countries is big enough for me to not want to travel that distance. But not in a friend way. I don't want to travel and move in in a friend way. I want to live with you in not a friend way. I mean, you are my friend, yes. Of course you are my friend. But when I want to live with you, when I want to talk with you, when I want to cook for you, and when I want to massage your hands after your long day at work, I do not want to do that in a friend way. I don't want to do any of that in a friend way.

When we hugged goodbye, and it was clear that neither of us is comfortable in broad view of the public, but we still lingered, and went in for a second hug, and stayed there for a bit, did you mean it in a friend way? Did you hug me in a friend way? I really hope you didn't. I know I didn't. Because I did everything I could to stop myself from asking you to stay just a day longer. I so wished we could spend just one whole day together. I so wished we could just fall asleep, wake up, then hug each other again. For real this time. I so wished I could hold your hand one last time before you left. I reached out, I promise. I tried. I honestly tried. But you'd moved away. And I was a bit of a coward. But I don't want to be a coward anymore. You are my friend, but I did not mean it in a friend way. I meant none of it in a friend way. Not a single thing.

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Do you know?

Do you know that when you have had a long day, when your heart is full, and your mind is tired, that when you go outside and look at the sky and see the moon, that that is me? Do you know that when you stare at the moon, it's staring right back? Do you know that I didn't talk to the moon, I didn't ask her for help, I didn't want her to look after you, I am her. Do you know that I have always been her? Do you know that every time you sit under the nightsky gazing at the stars, I am the moon that peers at you from behind the clouds? Do you know that when tides rise and fall, that is my heartbeat in a thrum, murmuring your name? Do you know that when there is an eclipse, it's because I want you to see me in the day? That for once, just this once, it's not the sun you look at, but me? That this time, just this time, you'd see me? That when you'd see me, you'd see all of me. Do you know? Do you see?

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