Tour Diary Day 25
Lady Gaga looked at herself in the mirror and yanked the jacket up on her shoulders. She wore tight jeans, a loose fitting top and a leather jacket. Her hair was pulled back and put up into a french twist and she had smokey eyes and red lips. She pouted her lips and tore herself from the reflection of herself, deciding it would do and sat down to put her shoes on.
Christian stepped into the room and looked up from his phone. ”Are you going somewhere?” he asked and seemed surprised.
”Taylor invited me for lunch,” she said and felt her face heat up and adding to her already blushing cheeks. She didn’t look at him but felt his eyes on her like needles poking her skin.
”Alone?”
”It’s just lunch, Christian. I’ll be back in two hours.” She got up and put her hand on his chest, leaned closer and kissed him. His eyes were dark and the brief eye contact they made told her he didn’t like that she left, but she hurried out the door and heard Christian ask who’s going to drive her. She ignored the question and met Ashley in the hallway. The assistant followed her down through the lobby and out to the car. After a short ride the driver pulled over at the building that was both hotel and had apartments on the top floors.
Gaga got out. ”I don’t think I’ll stay more than an hour. Just wait around,” she told Ashley and closed the door without waiting for her reply. She hurried inside the restaurant, and felt like she never even left the place over a year ago even if she never dined there.
Relieved, she noticed that it wasn’t as busy as she thought it would be, considering it was in the middle of the day at a hotel in central Chicago. She immediately spotted Taylor in the far back near a window. She looked around to see if anyone saw her, when a member of the staff approached her and escorted her to Taylor’s table.
The walk there wasn’t long enough for her to try to sort out her feelings. He had made it clear he was over her even though she had tried to reach out to him several times. The confident feeling she had when she exited her hotel suddenly left her and she felt unattractive and weird and wondered what the fuck she was thinking and if this would be another humiliating defeat.
Taylor didn’t notice her until she was right by the table, but then he got up and smiled wide before he put his arms around her. She smelled his neck and the familiar scent brought back a whole bunch of suppressed feelings and memories. It swept her right back in time and she nearly gasped because the feeling was so intense.
”You look fucking amazing, Stef,” he smiled and looked at her as they sat down. While he took her appearance in, she talked a little about her day and he thought of how everything about her face was so unique and how people were so bland compared to her. She looked more beautiful than ever.
Suddenly she curled her lips in a way that made her look like she was frowning. ”You couldn’t have chosen a place a little less central?” She noted all the random people hurrying past outside.
He looked out the window and wondered why she was worried because no one even looked at them. Then he turned his face towards her again and put his elbows on the table while he folded his arms. ”Do you want to go someplace else? We can take the order up to the apartment.”
She glanced around the place and he looked at her face. At first she seemed stressed, but then she relaxed and let her shoulders drop. ”I’m sorry, you know how people talk,” she said. And in her head she wanted them to see her, to talk about her and she could tell he probably realized that when he chuckled and put his hands on the table and smiled with squinting eyes.
She thought of how he looked sexy and carefree when he ran his hand across his chin as he changed the subject. ”A sold out stadium, here in Chicago. I’m impressed. And proud.”
His words made her smile and she leaned back in the chair. ”I still can’t believe it’s happening. And I feel like I just started out.”
They talked while the waiter brought them menus and they made their orders. When they were alone again he asked how she was doing and she talked about the stuff she had going on. She thought he would zone out as he usually did but he stayed focused and it made her stop. ”Why are you suddenly interested?”
He laughed once. ”We haven’t met in ages. Of course I’m interested.”
”You weren’t back then.”
The smile disappeared and he looked down before he raised his head and looked into her eyes again. ”I’m sorry, I know. I was a dick.”
”It’s a little too late, Tay.” She placed her hands on the table and their fingertips nearly nudged. She pulled her hand back and he raised his eyebrows. Surprised at her sudden dismissal.
”Is it? I mean, to say I’m sorry? Because I am. I don’t expect anything but I just wanna say that I’m sorry.” He moved his hands closer so he touched her clenched fingers. ”I want us to be friends.” It was like an electric shock feeling his warm hand against hers and she reluctantly twitched.
”Don’t.” She moved her hands and placed them in her lap. ”You know how I feel.”
”And you know I felt like I suffocated. I couldn’t breathe.”
She folded her arms in front of her chest. ”We were constantly apart. I wanted to know where you were, how you felt, who you were with. You make it sound like I was paranoid.”
Taylor leaned back in the chair again. ”OK. Sorry. Let’s not-”
”Stop saying sorry. You’re like a year too late.” She felt upset and realized she could very well start crying. Something she certainly didn’t want when others could see them. Taylor noticed that her eyes seemed to tear up and mumbled something before he left her. He went over to the bar and returned with a bag.
”I asked them to put it in foil so we can eat up in my apartment.” He looked apologetic and tried to smile, since he felt like her vulnerable state was his fault. Gaga looked up at him and he tried to understand what she was thinking. Her mouth was closed and she made a quick distraught move towards her nose like it itched before she decided to follow him. A gesture she made to buy herself a few more seconds of thought.
…
The apartment had even less furniture than when she was there the last time. A bed, a couch and a table and some chairs by another table in the kitchen. It was clean and tidy and she wondered if he had anticipated she wouldn’t want to sit with him at the restaurant. She didn’t comment on it, because he did before she got a chance.
”You’re lucky, I just cleaned the place up yesterday.” He swallowed and coughed because he had nearly added ’and changed the sheets’.
”What happened?” she said and looked inside the bedroom as if there would be someone in there. Her face still didn’t reveal much after the upset look she had downstairs. The make up made her eyes glow green and pierced through him and he wondered why she had come if she was angry and resentful. He noted her clenched fists and the stance she had as if she wanted to open the door and run off.
”I’m just trying to keep myself together,” she said when she noted how he looked at her. ”I just feel a lot of things right now and I don’t really know what to say.” Her voice was nearly a whisper and she climbed up on one of the high bar stools by the table. While she took her jacket off Taylor looked at her and noted that her top was so thin he could the darker area around her nipples through the fabric. As if she could feel his eyes on her she shivered and placed her hands on her thighs while she continued to look around and seemed like her mind was elsewhere.
”It’s OK,” Taylor said and started setting the table while he wondered what kind of medication she was on to make he lose touch with reality at times. He took out the foil boxes and two plates and tried to make it look nice without messing up too much. She watched his back and dreamed of placing her hands on his shoulders and wrap her arms around him. To hold him and smell him, when he looked at her over his shoulder and she felt like he could see her thoughts hovering over her head so she looked at the wall instead.
”And nothing happened,” he said and picked up the thread where Gaga left it when she asked why he had suddenly cleaned the place up. ”I just couldn’t find the remote because of all the pizza boxes anymore.” He laughed and Gaga tried to force a smile on her face again. He observed her narrow shoulders and her neck, how perfect her skin was and how she used to feel underneath his fingertips.
They ate quietly for a few minutes. It was like they both searched inside their heads for safe subjects to talk about. Then Taylor put his fork down and drank from his glass. The bubbles in the sparkling water made him want to burp and he swallowed because it would seem rude and the words came out pretty weird. ”Are you happy? he asked and cringed, and he thought she would take it the wrong way.
She raised her head and looked at him with the fork halfway between the plate and her mouth. At first it looked like she wasn’t going to reply, or as if she wondered what he meant. Happy how? With her love life? Her career?
”I mean, in general.” Taylor said quickly. ”With how things are. Or if it’s bad. I mean-” He didn’t want to hear about her new partner. He hoped she was happy now, because the last times they had met had been terrible.
”You want to know if I’m in a good place?”
”Something like that, yes.” He exhaled relieved. Fuck, he was so stiff. She seemed to want to say something but was holding back. It wasn’t really like her and he wanted to tell her to say what was on her mind.
”To be honest I’m afraid,” she said and put her fork down and wiped her hands on a napkin as if they were dirty. She raised her chin and looked into his eyes. She saw his chin drop slightly and noticed how his eyes widened just slightly while he blushed. Small details that gave away his feelings. He had never been very good at hiding his feelings and she laughed once. ”It has nothing to do with you, don’t worry.”
She continued to talk about how she had been starting to feel in pain every day. Sometimes worse and sometimes a little better, like today. ”It’s only been 12 shows, Tay. I don’t know what to do.”
Taylor looked at her and didn’t know what to say. He sucked at comforting her when she was like this and he knew she needed to hear the right things. They had spent too much time apart and he didn’t know if her routines had changed or if her pain was different.
”I’ve been thinking about changing the shoes. But I don’t even know if that will help.” She kept talking, to herself instead of to him, but he listened and noticed how worried she looked. ”I didn’t mean to put this on you, but I’m so afraid I will let everyone down again.”
”People understand,” he said when she stopped talking.
She looked up into his eyes. ”Do they really?”
”Of course they do.” He understood it was easy for him to say these things as he wasn’t part of it, but no one deserved the things she was going through. She wanted to be on the stage, giving the audience 100 % every time and when she couldn’t do that she felt like she was letting them down.
”You need to take care of yourself, Stef.” Taylor wasn’t really sure what he should say to her. She always pushed herself so hard and he was afraid that if he told her to slow down she would naturally go even harder to show off.
”I mean, I want to be able to do this all my life and when this happens I’m so scared every time I go on that stage it will be the last time.” Her voice cracked at the end of the sentence and Taylor got up and quickly put his arms around her tiny shoulders. She trembled while she cried and smeared her make up on his white t-shirt. The high chair made her reach his chest when she sat on it and he stood up.
”I’m sorry I just messed up your t-shirt,” she said and a laugh escaped through her swollen lips.
”Don’t worry about it.” Taylor held her tighter and felt her tears wet his clothes. ”You’re the strongest and most fearless person I know. In your heart I know you know what is right for you. And you need to listen to that voice because if you do, you will be doing this for a very long time. You belong on the stage and nothing will hold you back.”
He sighed and knew his words were cliches, but she liked those cliches when they complimented her and he noticed her hands travel up his back and her breath felt warm against his chest. When she turned her face up her lips nudged his and she pulled his face down to kiss him. With soft movements she made his lips part and he felt her warm, wet tongue against his. He put his hands on her shoulders and slowly forced her away. ”Stef.”
”Why can’t we try again?” She looked into his eyes and grabbed his shirt with both hands. ”Please, Tay.” Her gaze was hard, not begging but demanding. ”I gave you everything.”
So this was what she was holding inside her when it seemed like there was more on her mind. The talk about her pain was just a distraction. Taylor felt her hand against his cheek when she stroke it and again tried to pull him closer. Her eyes nearly looked fluorescent when he looked back into them. She was so warm and soft and her hands forced him to pay attention to her. Glittering wet lips that were irresistible and smudged eyeliner made her eyes impossible to look away from.
It wasn’t his intention to lead her on, and he realized it would come off as that since he invited her to her apartment. Without flattering himself he knew she had a hard time accepting that it was over, with her numerous attempts at making him come back. It was easier to dismiss her over the phone, and a lot harder with her craving body pressed against his. She wanted to be touched, to feel and to hold. It was in her nature and it made him feel bad when he pushed her away when she wanted contact, even if it wasn’t sexual.
”No.” He sighed. ”Do you want to repeat all the disappointments again? You know what’s gonna happen. You’ll dive into this with the intention to change everything only to find you can’t and then it’s just this and just that-”
”It WILL be different this time. It can work. I have plans. There will be time for us.”
He shook his head and took her hands off him. ”No. Just listen to yourself. It’s the same fucking story all over.” The frustration in his voice had opposite affect on Gaga and she put her arms back around his neck.
”You don’t even want to hear what I have to say?”
”No.” He turned his face away. ”Stef, seriously. I mean it. Stop.”
”I want you!”
”There’s no point. This is not what I had planned when I agreed to see you. Not again.” He cared for her and still thought of her as a friend, but to mess around again? And now, when she had someone else? Taylor felt like she had met him with one purpose in mind, to get him back and as usual she had her mind set on winning. What games was she playing? First playing hard and avoiding his touch and then she came storming at him like this.
”Babe,” she whispered and forced him closer by pulling the collar of his t-shirt and then he felt her lips against his neck when she breathed against it. Softly she kissed him and let her hand glide along his nape and pull his face down towards hers. Her lips met his and she was so gentle and sweet he felt bad knowing he could easily shove her away to make her stop. She would be hurt no matter what. Even if he had sex with her now, there was no way he would start dating her again so either way she would be hurt.
”I can’t do this again, I’m sorry. I can’t.” His hands rested on her arms and he slowly backed away from her while one of her hands pulled his t-shirt up and the other fiddled with his pants. ”You are incredible and amazing and everything, but I just… can’t. There’s nothing left..”
”Just once, Tay. Love me.” Her craving hands wandered underneath his clothes and her fingertips found his sensitive spots. He was hard and she noticed. It made her more intense and greedy.
”No, Stef!” With force he moved her hands away and she had to grab the seat of the chair not to fall off. The fire in her eyes when she stared into his was so intense he felt like he had done something very wrong and he regretted his actions immediately. When she turned her face away he saw her chin wrinkle up and expected her to start crying, which she did, but she was also furious. Her foot kicked out at him and she raised one hand to her face.
”I loved you!” she said and put a hand over her mouth as if she wanted to stop more words from slipping out. He noticed new tears falling down her cheek. ”I love you.” She corrected herself and met his eyes again. Her eyes were glittering with tears and disappointment when she held his gaze.
Taylor moved back against the counter and pulled his shoulders up as if he shrugged. ”I have nothing to offer you anymore, not what you want.” The way he turned his chest towards her made him seem more open and relaxed now that he thought she understood that her attempts were leading nowhere.
”I promise I won’t ask for more. I just need you now,” Gaga whispered and let her ass glide off the chair. Naturally she approached him again when she noticed that he seemed to drop his guard and she put her hands on his chest. When he tried to turn away from her she refused to let him go. ”Tay, baby…”
She was so intense, so on and touching and craving he felt like she was drowning him. There was no way she would let him ignore her this time, or leave without getting what she came for. He was amazed she lowered herself to this kind of begging and pleading. She raised her chin and looked into his eyes. Her lips pouted at him. They looked swollen and soft. She was beautiful even though the look in her eyes made it clear she wouldn’t handle a rejection very well. Revealing how she was trying to stay confident and maybe she was loading up with insults if she realized it wouldn’t work.
He felt his heart beat faster because he knew how wonderful she could be, but also difficult and suffocating and just too much. The flattering feeling that she wanted him wouldn’t let go. It was unsettling that she still had this grip as soon as they met. Didn’t her new man mean anything to her?
Her skin was so soft and warm and she smelled so good. She didn’t understand how hard it was to tell her no, to push her away. Even if she probably thought the opposite right now. It would be so shitty of him to give into her since he had no intention of carrying on seeing her. The soft nudge of her lips against the corner of his mouth made him shiver. His breathing was getting heavier and she sensed that too. Every atom in his body wanted her right now and she felt it.
”You don’t understand what you’re doing to me. Why are you like this?” he mumbled and it was like setting her on fire.
Her lips were parted and she placed a hand on his cheek to turn his face towards hers, and he felt the tip of her tongue against his lips. Whatever he did now, it would be an invitation and when he opened his mouth she held his chin and her tongue stroke against his with that magical softness only she managed. He felt his knees nearly fold and every hair on his body stood up. Her kisses had always been sensationally soft and like wiping his brain blank and filling him with fireworks. She was still amazing.
Holding his breath he accepted her kiss, closed his eyes and let his hands wander along her body, up to her shoulders until he held her nape and his thumbs brushed against her cheeks. Then his hands suddenly moved down to her hips and he lifted her up on the table. He breathed fast and looked like he went over the options in his head again, but then he grabbed her neck and kissed her again.
Her fingers struggled with the button and the zipper in her pants. It was like she was in a hurry, before he would come to his senses and push her away again. He heard the heavy thuds when her shoes dropped to the floor and then he grabbed the pants and pulled them down. His hands ran up her soft thighs and dug into her skin to pull her closer to the edge.
”I need you,” she whispered when he let her catch her breath between their kisses. His fingers slipped against her pussy and he felt the swollen lips as he rubbed the front of her thong. The heat from between her legs made him breathe faster and he pulled her underwear aside so he could feel the softness against his fingertips while he unbuttoned his own pants. He was so hard he could feel his blood pumping inside his veins into his groin. She let out a sigh when he pushed two fingers inside her.
His warm fingers rubbed between her thighs and he felt her breathe against his ear. ”Yes, babe,” she whispered. Her low whispers sent shivers down his spine and he felt her fingers run swiftly against his neck. Her folds were smooth against his fingertips. So slippery and inviting. When his fingertip found the sensitive nub she exhaled and he noticed how she twitched. The warmth of her cunt embraced his fingers when he moved them in and out of her and his thumb pressed against the clit.
”You’re so lovely and I shouldn’t be doing this.” He wanted to taste her. To fill his mouth with her juices and let his tongue circle her swollen lips and suck them, make her moan even louder. Make her come, use her and fuck her so hard it hurt.
He leaned down and placed his lips against her swollen, warm pussy and let his tongue glide against the clean lips. He heard her exhale when he moved his tongue in slow circles while he pressed it against her clit, felt her prepare for him, how wet she was and how her nasal moans turned him on. She bucked her hips and held on to the table when he pulled her towards his face. His tongue swirled and licked her crack until she felt the tingling cramps on the inside of her thighs and he noticed how close she was and used his fingers again.
With two fingers inside her he teased her holes and made her ride his hand while he moved up to her face and kissed her. He kept grinding inside her, curled his fingers and rubbed her harder until he felt how her vagina contracted and suddenly became warmer and she exhaled against his ear and wanted more. ”Fuck me,” she begged.
She was so tight around his fingers and she raised one leg to his shoulder. He pulled his fingers out and guided his cock inside her. She bucked her hips to make him push all the way inside her. Looking down he saw his shaft all wet as he pulled out of her. Oh fuck, he thought and let out a grunt when he pushed inside her again. His hard thrusts against her body and her moans was the only sound in the apartment and when he felt her vagina tighten around his cock he moved faster. He felt her fingers dig into his back while she held on to his clothes.
He leaned down and held her hips so she wouldn’t slip away. Her flawless, smooth skin slipped against his palms when he pushed harder against her. The rapid thrusts got deeper and he suddenly wondered if he was hurting her. If this made it worse. He must have hesitated because she suddenly grunted ”More. Don’t stop,” into his ear.
The table was making complaining noises underneath them when he started leaning all his weight against it. The corner hit the wall in rhythm with his movements and his glass had fallen over and rolled over the edge onto the floor. He drove his cock deeper inside her, and she had her thighs against his waist. He felt her warm skin, heard the wet sound of his body slamming against hers, raised his head and watched her heavy tits underneath her top.
He stopped and pulled the top up and kissed her hard nipples. ”Let me see those lovely tits,” he said and wrapped his lips around a rubbery nub and squeezed the round tits with both hands. She exhaled and held his shoulders while she rocked her hips to make him move inside her. ”Yes, oh god,” she mumbled and he felt her thighs tremble when she moved a hand down to rub her pink nub while he moved faster. Each shove hit her bottom harder.
”Yes, you feel so fucking good,” he spat out as her round, fit ass bounced against his thighs.
Suddenly she exhaled and pulled her legs up. Her head was tilted back and her shoulders hit the table when she came so hard she nearly cramped and felt her pelvis turn heavy and warm like it was full of hot lead. She inhaled quickly and Taylor felt her vagina repeatedly contract around his cock while he tried to keep a steady pace and not come. ”Fuck,” she spat out and braced herself against the wall.
With her legs wrapped around Taylor’s waist she let him carry her to the bedroom. He sat down on the edge of the bed with her in his lap and she stroke her lips against his cheek, taking slow but shallow breaths. ”I love you so much,” she whispered. He was still hard and she made him lie down on his back while she kissed his lips and held his face between her hands.
Some loose hairs tickled his neck when she leaned down and he felt her soft tits press against his chest. He ran his hands up her back and felt the muscles underneath her warm skin as she moved on top of him. Her lips nudged his and he opened his mouth. Her tongue instantly stroke his and he felt her breath against his face when she exhaled. A whimper escaped her lips when he moved his hips to push inside her. ”Be mine, Tay,” she mumbled and started rocking slowly.
When she raised her head and leaned back he moved his hands to her tits and gently squeezed them. He stroke with his thumbs across her hard nipples and held back a grunt when she moved faster. The feeling of her vagina constantly squeezing around his dick was sensational and he closed his eyes, afraid he would come, because now he wanted to last. ”Slow down,” he mumbled and held her hips with both hands to make her move slower. His fingertips sinking into her flesh, her smooth skin against his palms. Like satin, so perfect.
He wanted it to last now, so he could look at her. Her amazing body. She placed her hands on his chest, moved her hips a little faster again and this time he didn’t stop her, but raised his arms to hold the pillow under his head. When he finally came and pumped his cum inside her he thought he was going to tear it apart. He could feel her lovely vagina tighten when she orgasmed again shortly after him.
Drained and satisfied he felt his dick slip out of her when she moved away. And instantly he regretted everything. It was like the orgasm made him numb and he didn’t understand how he could let it happen.
She crawled up next to him and kissed his neck. ”See. It wasn’t that bad,” she purred into his ear and he felt her soft cheek against his. He let her stroke his chest and touch him while he had his eyes closed. He dreaded the moment it would sink in that he wouldn’t change his mind.
”It was amazing. You are fantastic, but it’s not happening,” he said and held back the desire to move away from her even when her touch felt this good. When she raised her head to say something he got up and walked into the bathroom because he was afraid that looking at her would suck him right back in.
When he came back out she was pulling her pants back up. He observed her muscular back and the narrow waist. She turned around and his eyes landed on her tits, unwillingly. But she noticed. Yeah, take a long hard look at what you’re throwing away, she thought. She had let her hair down and the make up that looked so perfect when she arrived was messy due to the tears that ran down her face.
Taylor stood in the way when she walked towards the door and she raised her head and looked at him. Her eyes glittered and he saw both anger and disappointment in them. Her chin trembled for a second before she parted her lips and seemed to gather herself, but she remained quiet and he could feel the distance between them grow again. It was obvious she counted on that he would change his mind.
He let her pass and she bent down to pick her shoes up. She put them on while sitting down and gave him another cold look when she got up. He thought she looked smaller than when she arrived and he hated himself, but he was over this. He couldn’t give her what she wanted, apart from this and she wanted so much more.
”Good luck tonight. I’m coming to see you. Paul invited me.” he said when she grabbed the door handle and opened the door.
”Yeah,” she mumbled and left the apartment. She heard him say ’see you later’ and had to swallow hard and close her eyes while she waited for the elevator. ”I’m an idiot,” she told herself when the doors closed behind her. She leaned against the wall on the way down and didn’t face the opening when it stopped on a few floors. No one paid attention to her and she messaged Ashley to pick her up.
”What happened to you?” Ashley looked at Gaga and pointed out that her t-shirt was inside out and the make up was gone. ”You better fix your clothes before you get back.” She handed the bag of make up to Gaga and saw her wipe her face before she sighed and opened the bag.
”I thought you were having dinner?” she asked and couldn’t hide the smirk.
”Ash, just… don’t.” Gaga pulled the t-shirt over her head. She sorted it out and pulled it back over her head before she started fixing her make up. She could see her assistant judge her when she looked at her. ”Yes, I fucked up,” she muttered and wiped her lips before she added more lipstick, focused on her face in the mirror and wondering how she would conceal her swollen eyelids.
”Are you OK?”
”No,” Gaga said and put her face in her hands and closed her eyes for a second. I’m so lost, she thought and looked out the window. She hated herself and was going to make sure she left right after the show so she didn’t run into Taylor. There was no way she would be able to face him again so soon and being the loser again.
