#jwritessometimes

Luckily, only a few people have actually been injured, and it seemed to be mostly under control now. He and Hen had been tending to one of the drivers, who had unfortunately broken his wrist against the steering wheel, and had a minor concussion thanks to what is sure to become a very nasty bruise on his forehead. The last of the patients in his and Hen's list. After helping Buck extract people from the first car, the one in the worst state and had required them to use the jaws to get the passengers out, he had been assigned with Hen to help her attend to those with broken bones, while Chim and Buck made their way through the other's involved in the crash who had been able to get out of their cars themselves. "Divide and conquer" Bobby had instructed, the moment he realized the number of potential patients they had. 

While Eddie doesn't mind joining Hen in paramedic duty, and understands that having one paramedic and one firefighter per team was a better strategy at the scene, he knows he works best with Buck as his partner. As soon as his feet are back on the asphalt, he scans the crowd quickly, and his feet are moving towards Buck before he can consciously process that's where he's going. It's more instinct than anything else at this point. Chim is a few steps away from Buck, checking a young girl for a concussion, but everyone else seems to be bandaged up already. It seems Buck and Chim are done with their list as well. 

He's only a few meters away, his hand already itching to reach out to the other man, when one of the men from the green car to his left makes his way to Buck. Eddie stops in his tracks, unsure if the man needs assistance. That's the car where he and Buck had needed to pry the driver's door open, but Eddie was pretty certain the man walking to Buck was not the driver.

"Buck, right ? I think that's what I heard them call you." The patient asked, and Eddie almost groaned. He knew that tone of voice. The man was embarrassed. He knows what comes next, and he's not really looking forward to his...Buck. His Buck being flirted with right in front of him, especially when they have agreed to keep their relationship private for the time being. 

"Yeah, Buck. Caleb, right?" Buck asked politely, bright smile in place. Of course Buck had learned the man's name. "How are you feeling? Any dizziness?"

"Uh, no, I'm okay, thank you. Just a small headache but I have been assured that's normal."

Buck nodded, and seemed about to start talking again, to give instructions or explain further what symptoms to expect, Eddie is sure, when the man spoke again, "I just wanted to ask, you know. The... the other firefighter? The one that was with you before. Is he, you know, single?" 

Buck blinked rapidly at that, seemingly taken aback at the question. Eddie's about to continue walking towards him, to provide moral support or interrupt the man talking to him, he isn't sure, when Buck's answer confuses him "He's my brother-in-law, sorry." 

It takes him an embarrassing 5 seconds to realize Buck is talking about Chim, and not about him. Eddie is pretty sure the patient, Caleb, was referring to him because he was the one to work that car with Buck. A fact that Buck seems to have forgotten.

"Oh, really? I thought he was with you, if anything, guess I was wrong. He's very cute, your sibling is very lucky." Caleb said, smiling at Buck.

"Yeah, Chim is married to my sister. He's the lucky one, though"

"Chim? No, you called him something else, no? Diaz, I think his uniform said?"

"Oh, you mean Eddie? Yeah, Eddie Diaz." And Eddie is a lot more interested in the answer now that Buck seems to have realized the man was asking about him. They haven't properly labelled it yet, but to Eddie it’s pretty clear that whatever they call their relationship, they are BuckandEddie. Except, Buck doesn't seem to share that particular thought, because he says, "Yeah, he's single." There was no hesitation in his voice.

By the time Eddie rejoins his son and best friend less than 2 minutes after Chris had informed them they had to leave, Chris is already rushing Buck towards the penguin exhibit, while the older man tries to keep Chris in front of him instead of behind, rather unsuccessfully. Eddie snorts at the scene, but says nothing. Ever since Chris turned 11, it’s been harder and harder to actually get him to spend time with them instead of his friends, so both Buck and Eddie tread carefully when the boy indulges them.

Still, it takes Eddie a total of 3 seconds realize that Buck wasn’t just turning around and trying to slow them down on purpose. He was limping. He’s by their side faster than he thought possible, slightly guiding Chris to walk in front of them. “Guide us, bud. We’ll get faster that way than if you try and steer Buck all the way to the North Pole.” Chris’ back is to Eddie, but he swears he can hear the eye roll at that.

“Dad, there are no penguins in the North Pole. Those are puffins.” He says annoyed, but starts guiding them towards the penguin exhibit, where apparently there was a penguin dance in around 10 minutes, which Eddie is mostly sure is just penguins walking around. 

“Aren’t those the same thing?” He asks, just to make his son snort, and carefully makes his way to stand shoulder to shoulder to Buck. “You okay?” He asks lowly, making sure Chris can’t overhear them, while keeping an eye on him. 

“Yeah, why?” Is Buck’s immediate reply. Too immediate. Eddie turns to focus his attention on him, just to find Buck staring straight ahead, not meeting his eyes. 

Eddie narrowed his eyes. He thought maybe Buck had a bruise from a call or something, but if he’s lying about it, it must be way worse. He falls a few steps behind on purpose, but Buck quickly catches on and slows down to meet his pace. It’s still enough for Eddie to identify which leg is causing the limp. His right leg. The leg that was crushed. Suddenly, Eddie isn’t as grateful for it being cold anymore.

“If you need to rest, you have to let us know.” He insists, going to grab Buck’s arm, but the other man swerved him easily. 

“I’m fine, Eddie.” He insists.

“Buckley, I can see you limping. You were even carrying Chris’ stuff earlier. He’s not the only one we can take breaks for.” Eddie insists, going to grab the man’s wrist, and this time Buck doesn’t stop him. He just sighs.

“I hate feeling this way.” He says instead, in a small voice.

Eddie nods. He understands that. 

“I don’t want to hold you guys back. But you’re right, I need a longer break.” Eddie can hear how hard the admittance was to the man. He starts scanning the area around, looking for a table or a bench they can share while signaling for Chris to come back to them. He’s not that far ahead, always staying within eyesight of either of them, but still far enough that Eddie would need to raise his voice for the boy to hear him. He can see annoyance in Chris’ face, which quickly disappears once he sees Buck avoiding his dad’s gaze, and awkwardly shifting his weight from one foot to another. Eddie knows Chris has felt enough pains in his bones to know that move. He ignores the pang of guilt he feels at that. He’s been working with Frank on that, but that still doesn’t change that he hates that his son knows that feeling. “Eddie, you guys get going, I’ll meet you later. I’ll just take a breather so I can drive you guys home when you’re done.”

“No.” Is Eddie’s immediate reply, fast and final.

“What do you mean no? The penguin dance is going to start, I see a bench over there, I’ll be fine.” Buck insists, pointing somewhere behind Eddie. But Eddie has already spotted a table close to the ice cream stand he knows sells the animal-shaped popsicles both Chris and Buck knows, so he makes the most of his hand still on Buck’s wrist and starts steering him towards the table, while reaching out a hand towards Chris, so he can place it on his shoulder and steer all three of them towards where he wants. 

“I mean no, Buck.” Eddie says again, when Buck halfheartedly tries to escape his hold. “This is a family outing.” 

“What’s going on?” Chris asks, as soon as he’s close enough for Eddie to grasp his right shoulder.

“Buck’s leg hurts, mijo.” Eddie explains simply. “Like yours do sometimes. So he needs a little break.”

“Are you okay, Buck?” And the worry in Chris’ voice is enough to melt Eddie’s heart, and make Buck give up trying to fight Eddie on this.

“I’ll be, Superman. But right now, I think I really need to take a breather. I’m sorry.” Before Eddie can stop Buck from apologizing, Chris beats him to the punch.

“What are you apologizing for?” He sounds genuinely curious, and Eddie couldn’t be prouder of his son. 

“Yeah, Buck, what are you apologizing for?” Eddie challenges. He knows Buck won’t try and tell Chris he’s apologizing for hurting. That’s something the both of them have done their best from keeping Chris from ever feeling. 

“Missing the penguin dance.” Buck says instead, after glaring at Eddie. “You and your dad can still go, kid. You might be a little late, but I’m sure you can still catch most of it. I’ll just stay right here.” He tries again, taking a seat in the table Eddie had led them to. 

“Why would we want to go without you?” Chris asks, still confused. And Eddie is right there with him. 

“Right. This is a family outing.” Eddie repeats, clapping his hands together, like that settles it. “Now, who wants ice-cream?” 

It takes Chris exactly 0 seconds after that to realize where Eddie had led them to, too distracted worrying about Buck. “I’ll get them!” He says excitedly, extending his hand to Eddie to get some money. “You always get the wrong animals.” Eddie lets out a long suffering sigh, and just hands over the money to his son instead of going off on the constant dispute of Chris’ very strict animal standards when it comes to popsicles, when Eddie considers them an attempt at general figures at best. So, no, he cannot tell the difference between the lion and the bear. Because he’s pretty sure there isn’t one. 

“Stay where I can see you.” He says instead, and watches his kid make his way to the short line at the ice cream stand. “You do know they are not shaped as anything, but they tell you they are animals so they can charge more, right?” He asks Buck.

“You just have no imagination, Eddie.” But it lands flatter than either of them expected.

Eddie sighs, but decides to go for it since Chris is out of earshot. “Would you tell Chris he’s ruining a day out because he’s in pain?” It’s blunt, but it gets him the reaction he wanted. Buck turns to him horrified.

“What do you think of me, Eddie?” He’s angry. Good.

“Then why do you expect different treatment for yourself?” That gives Buck pause. “Since when has it been bothering you?” He gives him an out, because going into how he’s just as important as Chris, and a family outing means the entire family stays together seems suddenly like a very heavy topic. 

Buck ignores the question, looking at Chris’ head as he excitedly points at what Eddie presumes are the correct animals for them. 

“Buck…”

“It hurts every so often, Eddie, okay?” He says, defeated. Eddie slides a little on the bench so he’s even closer to Buck’s left side. As close as possible without actually sitting in Buck’s lap, but away from the leg. 

“Chris suffers from chronic pain, Buck. Hell, my shoulder gives me a hard time every now and then. You know of both, and helps us when we need.”

Buck nods, knowing where this is going.

“I just need to stretch it out a bit.” He admits, trying to do so under the table. 

“Buck, put it in the seat in front, don’t be daft. I’ll help you look it over at home, I have Chris’ massage oils, I’m sure those will help as well.” 

“Eddie…” Buck sighs, and he sounds much more sad than Eddie ever wants to hear him.

“I still have nightmares about it sometimes” He admits instead. An eye for an eye, or whatever. If he’s pushing Buck to share something he doesn’t want to, the least he can do is offer the same. He might owe Frank a lot more credit than he usually gives him. 

“About my leg?” Buck sounds incredulous, but Eddie nods.

“The explosion and you screaming in pain. The lawsuit. The tsunami. The lighting strike.” He lists them off, as if they’re items on their grocery list instead of times he almost lost Buck. It makes it easier to say them out loud, pretending they are just words. “I lose you in the worse ones. Every damn time, it feels like I’m living it again. And sometimes, we don’t get to you in time.” He admits, unable to meet Buck’s eyes this time. He’s doesn’t notice he was his hands held tightly in a fist until he feels Buck worm his fingers in between his, forcing him to let go.

“I see you get shot. Every time, I can taste your blood again.” Eddie nods. Understands the feeling.

“Don’t lie to me about your health.” It sounds like a command, strong and decisive. Buck knows him enough to know it’s closer to begging. Eddie reinforces his meaning by laying his hand over his thigh, palm up, fingers stretched. Buck links their fingers again, and this time he doesn’t let go. “Don’t lie to me.” He corrects, holding tight to Buck’s hand.

“I’m sorry.” Buck whispers, and Eddie nods. It’s the promise he was waiting for. 

“Okay.” Eddie says, nodding. They’re okay. He’s about to say something, he’s not really sure what because his brain to mouth filter seems to have left him a few minutes ago, when Chris rejoins them. 

“I have a lion for me!” He explains happily, putting the popsicle on the table in front of him. “A penguin for Buck” he hands Buck something that looks like a misshapen oval, but Eddie will play nice and call it a penguin. “And a polar bear for dad!” He looks at his own popsicle, and if he had to take a guess he’d say it was a rectangle that was dropped before it froze. 

“I love polar bears” he deadpans, and takes a bite of his popsicle, holding it on his left hand so he doesn’t have to let go of Buck’s. 

“Yeah, thank you for the penguin, Chris. We can come see them dance another day.” Buck says, and his characteristic upbeat attitude is back, and Eddie can’t help but feel proud of him. Proud of the family they have built. He may have another conversation pending with Buck, but that’s for another time.

“Yeah, what do you say we call it a day after we finish our ice creams and go home to watch Madagascar?” 

After that, the conversation is monopolized mostly by Chris, going over the pros and cons of watching Madagascar versus Penguins of Madagascar versus Finding Nemo, with happy commentary and counterpoints from Buck every now and then. Eddie is willing to watch all three of them his boys if that’s what they want. 

Before they leave, while Eddie is once again gathering their trash, Buck simply mouths thank you at him. Eddie smiles pats him on the thigh, finally letting go even if that was the last thing he wanted to do. “Okay, let’s go.” He says happily, watching both Chris and Buck gingerly stand up from their places, the tiredness from spending around 4 hours at the zoo getting even to his son. 

“My dad gives good muscle massages, Buck. Maybe he can give you one.” He says nonchantaiy, and Buck snorts.

“I told you I did, Buckley, you don’t get to laugh at that. I’m offering my free services, you should be jumping with you.”

“The reason I need it, is exactly because I can’t jump with joy.” And okay, so maybe his son’s sass is not entirely on Eddie.

“Careful there, Buckley. Keep it up and I won’t offer any help.” It’s an empty threat, they both know it. 

“You wouldn’t” Buck whispers, closer than Eddie thought he was. They usually ignore this. The type of comments that are friendly but not really. Looks like Buck feels like pushing back tonight. In retaliation or as an act of bravery, Eddie doesn’t know, and doesn’t really care.

“No, I wouldn’t” He says instead. If Buck can be brave, so can Eddie.

“You two are so weird. Let’s go, I’m tired.” Chris interrupts, looking between Eddie and Buck, as if he’s trying to understand something. He gives up in the end, if the way he turns around and starts guiding them to the exit is any indication. 

Yeah, they might be a little weird. Still, Eddie wouldn’t change a thing about them. Especially when he feels Buck’s fingers slightly dance around his own. A question, he supposes. He moves his fingers too, lightly tapping them against Buck’s wrist. He might be brave, but he’s not sure he’s that brave.

Of course they do. They might not be aware of the relationship change between the two of them, but they have always been…well, BuckandEddie, even before they were actually BuckandEddie. It’s just that now that Eddie knows what being with Buck was like, actually being with Buck, even if it was just for a little over a month, he’s not sure he can go back to before. To JustEddie. He’s not sure he knows who that is anymore, after 8 years working hand in hand with the other man. 

He’s also dreading telling Christopher about this, to be honest, because he isn’t sure how he can convince his son that things won’t change when Eddie feels like the rug has been pulled from under his feet and he no longer knows where he stands. 

So, logically, Eddie decides that he doesn’t have to deal with any of this if he doesn’t see Buck. Because if Buck can’t break up with him, they are still together. He’s aware it’s not logical, but nothing about his relationship with Buck has made much sense, really. To anyone but them. 

And so, for the next 2 calls Eddie avoids Buck like the plague, working with him only for what is absolutely necessary, because Eddie is nothing if not professional, and doesn’t join in on any conversation where the other man is involved. It’s a lot lonelier than Eddie expected. Just another reminder of how entwined their lives have become. After those 2 calls, Bobby catches on and has mercy on him, so he starts being paired with either Hen or Ackerman. He knows he’ll have to explain himself sooner rather than later, but no one is pressuring him right now, even if Chim keeps shooting him weird glances and Hen is looking at him as if he grew a second head. Worst of all is Buck, who keeps looking at him with puppy eyes. Like he isn’t the one that caused all of this mess.

It goes on like that until they’re one hour down for the end of the shift. No more calls have come in in at least 45 minutes, so avoiding Buck is getting harder and harder. He already pretended to take a 20 minute nap, and to be engrossed in a very lengthy book about bees that did not help keep his mind off Buck. 

He’s almost out of options when he hears Buck making his way to him at the loft while he was making himself his fourth coffee of the day. He has nowhere left to run, and he doesn’t know if he wants to run or to cry. Either option is terrible. They seem like the only ones to him at the moment. 

Eddie turns around, ready to face the music, and he knows his face must show everything he’s feeling at the moment, because Buck’s determined face falls to show a sadness Eddie feels only rivals his own. He’s not sure if it’s because Buck cares enough about breaking Eddie’s heart even if he doesn’t care enough to stay with him, or because he feels sorry for him. 

In the end, he doesn’t  have to find out, because Hen smoothly makes her way to them and grabs the mug right out of Eddie’s hand. “Thank you for making me coffee, Eddie. Very nice of you.” She says taking a sip, as if this was just a normal day at the firehouse and the air didn’t feel like you could take a knife to it. “I like it with more sugar, though” She complains, making a face and putting the mug back in Eddie’s hand, looking at him expectantly. And Eddie is willing to make her a million coffee cups for saving him from doing this here, in a very public space. 

“Sorry, force of habit.” He mumbles, turning around to make the coffee the way he knows Hen likes it, making another one for himself in the process. Hen is talking to him about going to the museum with both Chris and Denny sometime next week, but the buzzing in his ears is much too loud for him to make out the details. He will have to ask her later about it, but he’d take the boys anywhere in thanks when he hears Buck’s footsteps retreating, leaving him alone with Hen. Once he knows Buck is far away not to hear them, Hen stops talking. It isn’t until he turns to hand her her coffee cup that talks again.

“You’ll have to talk it out eventually.” She offers, kind. Her mom voice. Eddie feels like a child whose parent is trying very hard to keep from having a tantrum, and he isn’t sure it is that far from the truth. With a nod, he takes a sip of his own coffee. 

“I will. I just need time.” His voice comes out to low he isn’t sure she could properly hear him. He feels like he’s begging, but he knows he’s doing it to the wrong person.

“Whatever happened, I’m sure you guys will be okay.” Hen measures him. Eddie still isn’t sure she heard him, but her comment makes him tense up. He isn’t so sure himself.

“It’s never been this way before.” He admits, a little louder this time. He needs Hen to convince everything will be okay. He needs to believe it, and he’s not sure he can convince himself.

“No. But you’ll still be okay. Just don’t push him away. He doesn’t do well with that, and you don’t seem to do too well, either.” She states matter of fact. There’s no blame there. Eddie still feels it like a punch. Buck doesn’t deserve to feel unwanted, ever. Buck has the right to decide he doesn’t want to be with Eddie.

“I think this time there’s no ‘okay’ at the end of the day, Hen.” 

The comment is met with silence. Eddie’s not sure what else he expected.

“I think there is, Eddie. Especially for the two of you. You just need to stop pulling away. Because out of all of us, the only who can deal with a sad Buck it’s you. So, you can see how that’s a problem.” She says eventually, a hand on his shoulder. 

Eddie lets out a wet laugh, which he quickly hides with a sip of his coffee. He hadn’t realized how close he was to crying.

“Oh.” Hen says, and Eddie feels in his bone how much she understood and saw in his stupid face. He has always been good at pretending. Leave it to Buck to render him an open book.

“Yeah, oh.” He says, because there’s nothing left to hide. 

“Eddie….”

“I’ll be fine, Hen.” He interrupts, and can hear the lie in his voice. And if the way she seems uncertain on what to do, her arm extended like she doesn’t know if she should hug him or not, she hears it too.

“We’re always here for you, Eddie.” And that, he knows to be true. 

“Thank you.” He says, with more emotion than he wanted to show. It feels raw. It also feels comforting. If Buck really was regretting being with him, Eddie was going to need his family. 

The alarm sounds, and Eddie isn’t sure if he’s grateful for the distraction or not, because it means their shift will last longer than it had to. But it also means he can think of something other than “He’s single.”

Eddie is not stupid, he knows that he has a lot more baggage than the regular person wants to deal with. He knew starting this with Buck was a risk. He knew he was bad at relationships. He knew, he knew, he knew.

But he had hoped. He sent a quick prayer, begging God to let his hope be more than that. That he wasn’t losing Buck, while he made his way to the bay. 

No, Eddie had to come up with a plan. He had to fix this. He had to remind Buck why he had started dating him in the first place, remind him why he was in love with him. Maybe it wasn’t too late yet.

He’s just doesn’t have a plan yet. And he needs it fast if he’s going to sit in the engine right next to Buck.

“You coming, Diaz?” Hen called from the ambulance, door already open for him. Eddie has the best family ever.

Eddie keeps calling it night in his head, but it’s mostly because he hasn’t gone to bed and woken up. It’s 6 am, which means Chris will still be at Tía Pepa’s, probably already up and grumbling about getting ready, Carla on her way to pick him up to take him to school. He’s not sure he’s all that excited about his house being empty by the time they make it home. Which, with the very light traffic at this hour, is closer and closer.

Buck parks the truck but neither makes any movement to get out, the truck is still running.

“I’m sorry.” Eddie whispers, breaking the ice. He feels like he should follow that up with an explanation, a better apology, anything. But the knot in his throat doesn’t let him. He’s not sure if he’s waiting for Buck to rip the bandaid and break up with him right now, or inside the house where he hopefully won’t feel like he’s chocking. He’s not sure the feeling is related with the close space of the truck’s cabin at all. 

He can see Buck nod out of his peripheral vision, but he remains silent, eyes and hands still focused on the steering wheel. He nods again, and starts to move, unlocking the door. Before Eddie can think to move himself, Buck is at his door, opening it for him and offering his hand, like this is just a normal day, back at home, tired from work. 

Eddie accepts the normalcy, and lets Buck help him out of the car. He doesn’t let go of his hand, though, even if it makes it hard to use his key to open the door. It’s awkward and takes more time than necessary, but Buck says nothing, holding on to Eddie’s hand just as tight. Eddie takes it as a good sign.

They both make their way to the kitchen in unspoken agreement. The kitchen is for serious conversations. Eddie immediately busies himself with making then both tea. He’s self-aware enough to know he has had more than enough coffee. And that probably neither of them will actually drink whatever he makes, but they both need the comfort of something warm to hold. Buck takes a seat at the table and watches him go around the kitchen, but says nothing. They stay like that for about 5 minutes, until Eddie is done. He silently places Buck’s octopus mug in front of him and takes the seat opposite him. 

“I’m sorry” He says again, because he doesn’t know what else to say.

“What for?” Buck asks instead, trying to meet his eyes. Eddie feels like he’ll break, so he stubbornly stays having a glaring competition with his mug. Buck sighs again, heavier this time. “Eddie, please look at me, love.” 

And it’s the pet name that makes Eddie meets his eyes, because if Buck is calling him love instead of man, maybe there’s hope. 

“What are you sorry for? What happened today?” He asks, softly. Even now, confused as he seems to be, he’s being comforting and supportive. Eddie tenses, not sure if this is out of concern, or because he knows the blow he’s going to deliver.

A million things go through Eddie’s mind at that moment, and the thinks about letting Buck know how angry he is. How heart broken. How sorry. Beg him for forgiveness. Promise him he’ll change and be better, to just let him know how to be better. In the end, the shine in Buck’s eye that he knows are unshed tears forces him to say, “you told that man I was single.” It’s not what he meant to say. But it’s the truth, and it’s the most he can offer right now. Anything else would take too many words.

“What?” Buck asks, incredulous. The tears dance in his eyes in a way that mesmerize Eddie. He wants to reach over and clean them up with his hands, remove any trace of them and hold Buck as close as he’ll allow him to. He doesn’t.

“You told him I was single.” He repeats, his voice is hoarse. He doesn’t know if it’s from the knot he feels, threatening to asphyxiate him. From the unshed tears. From the forced silence throughout the day. He doesn’t know anything and he’s getting tired of that feeling.

“Who? Caleb?” Buck sounds so confused.

“Yes, Caleb, or whatever his name was. I should have known first.” Eddie insists, grabs the mug and brings it to his lip. Doesn’t drink. Sets it back down. “You should have told me first.” 

“Told you what?” 

And Eddie can feel his head pounding, a migraine coming on. “That I was single.” He says through gritted teeth, doing his best to try and remain in control. He won’t turn this into a fight. He’s not walking away from this, no matter what the outcome turns out to be.

“Eddie… what?” Buck sounds so confused. Eddie wants to scream. And cry. He really, really wants to cry. 

He stays there, making eye contact with Buck but says nothing more. He has nothing left to say. It’s Buck’s turn, now.

“Is that why you have been avoiding me all day?” Buck asks after it’s obvious Eddie won’t explain anything further. Eddie nods. “Eddie… I don’t understand.” 

“You expected me to act like nothing happened when you told someone else you were breaking up with me before you even told me?” Eddie is the incredulous now.

And Buck laughs. It makes Eddie defenses immediately. Violently. Until he notices that the tears have finally broken free and Buck is crying in front of him, and then all he’s thinking about now is going to hug him and comfort him. He settles for reaching out with his right hand, palm up. Buck immediately takes it. “You’re an idiot, Eddie Diaz. The biggest idiot I have ever met, I swear to God. But you’re also the love of my life. How can you possibly believe I wanted to break up with you?” 

“You said it!” Eddie defends himself immediately, but holds tighter to Buck’s hand, because there’s hope. 

“No, Eddie. I told the man who wanted to flirt with you that you were single, because that’s what you’re supposed to be.” Buck speaks slow, like he thinks that will make his words make sense.

“No, it’s not. I’m taken, thank you.” Eddie responds, as calmly as he can.

“I know that.” Buck insists. “But we agreed we would keep this a secret, remember?”

Eddie shakes his head wildly, and Buck looks like he’s about to say something but Eddie starts talking, no caring about interrupting, because that wrong. “No, not a secret. You said private. Not a secret.” Eddie insists, and he feels like a child again and he’s getting tired of feeling like that today. 

Buck looks taken aback by that. “What’s the difference between the two things, Eddie?” And he seems genuinely confused. But there’s a world of difference there for Eddie. The two words couldn’t be more dissimilar.

“Secret is a bad thing, Buck. We promised no more secrets between us. I promised Chris.”

“Chris knows.” Buck says immediately, because he does. They told him within 12 hours after deciding to give this a shot. Give them a shot. He hadn’t been as enthusiastic as Eddie had expected, making them promise that if things went wrong, Buck would stay. Buck would still be his Buck. Eddie has sworn it. He didn’t foresee them going wrong. He was wrong.

“So, not a secret.” Eddie stated again. “Private. A thing between us, our family. But not a secret.”

“What do you say when people ask you?” Buck asks instead.

“That I’m taken.” Eddie replies with no hesitation. “That I’m in love. And loved. But I’m not ready to tell them anything else yet.”

And he’s so earnest in his response that Buck knows he has said those exact words to someone. “Even to people you don’t know?” Buck asks, and now he sounds as hoarse as Eddie.

“No, to people I don’t know I only tell the first part. They have no right to know anything else. That’s ours.” 

New tears cover Buck’s face, and Eddie doesn’t stop himself this time, standing up to wipe them away as carefully as he can. Because he still doesn’t know where they stand, but he still has hope.

“Was I wrong?” He asks, low, almost like he doesn’t want Buck to hear.

“Of course not, you idiot.” Buck sniffles. “I thought when you said you wanted this between us, you meant…”

“Buck, I’m not the one who said I wanted this to be between us.” Eddie clarifies, before Buck can say anything else.

And Buck just stares at him blankly. Eddie knows he’s replying every conversation they have had regarding their relationship. “Oh” he says. Eddie nods.

“I’m okay with keeping it private. If you still want a relationship with me. But I won’t say I’m single. And I sure as hell not saying you are single. So if that’s what you want…”

“No.” And it’s Buck’s turn to interrupt, it seems. “I thought you might need time.”

“I don’t.” Eddie assures him. “If you’d let me, I would have walked into our next shift and told the entire A shift I had pulled the best firefighter out there, and asked Bobby for any form he needed me to sign. Possibly also asked you to move in over breakfast, but I figured that would give us away immediately.”

Buck’s eyes are bigger than Eddie has ever seen, and he’s worried Buck doesn’t know just how much Eddie feels for him.

“I thought you might need some time to get used to the fact that I’m… you know.”

“A man?” Eddie snorts, “believe it or not, Buck, I knew that before we started dating.” 

He lets that sink in a few more moments. “Buck, by the time I decided to give us a go, I had already had a million sexuality crisis. I wouldn’t have gone into this if I wasn’t in with both feet. And both arms, two eyes, and my whole heart. All of it. I won’t say I’m suddenly ready to scream off the top of my lungs that I’m gay, but I’m very ready to scream that I’m in love with you. I know it doesn’t make sense…”

“It does.” Buck reassures him immediately. “I don’t need a label either, but I’m very ready to call you mine.” 

Eddie smiles at that. He likes the sounds of that. “Good, because I’m too.”

“We’ll tell them. Tomorrow. All of them”

“They’ll have us, especially after today.” Eddie says, mostly thinking about the teasing.

“No, they won’t. And we can tell them what I said, and what your stupid ass thought.” Buck promises, pressing his forehead against Eddie’s. 

“You said I was single.” Eddie insists.

“We should have discussed what private meant to each of us.” Buck concludes, stealing a short kiss from Eddie.

“I’m not big on PDA.” Eddie says. Buck nods. “But that doesn’t mean I don’t want everyone to know what you are to me.”

Buck laughs, and Eddie can hear the tears in his voice but Buck is no longer crying. “I want that too, my love.”

“Also, you called me man today. Never do that again.” Eddie suddenly remembers, and Buck laughs again.

“I won’t, baby, I promise.” 

Eddie nods at that. “Good. Or dude. I swear, Evan Buckley, if you call me dude…” Buck kissed him again.

“Babe.” Another kiss. “Sweetheart.” Another.  “My love.” Another “Honey.” One more.

Eddie laughs into each kiss, accepting them greedily. “Yes” He whispers after every one. 

“Want to go to bed?” Buck asks, and Eddie can see just how tired he is. Eddie is too. Emotional turmoil will do that to you.

“A little presumptuous of you, don’t you think? You had me thinking all day you wanted to break up with me.” Buck kisses both his eyes, his nose, and then kisses him again, deeper this time.

“I never want to break up with you, Eddie Diaz.” At Eddie’s raised brows he quickly amends. “Love of my life.” Eddie nods, accepting. “I’m sorry you I made you think that for a second. But I also meant to sleep, sweetheart, because I was so anxious all day I could barely sleep.”

Eddie can’t hold back a yawn. “Yes, cariño, let’s go to bed. Set an alarm to pick our son up, I have a feeling we won’t wake up earlier than that.” 

Buck pulls his phone out and quickly sets at least 3 different alarms leading up to the time they need to pick Chris up from school, letting Eddie steer him in the direction of the bedroom. Something that Eddie said nags at his brain, though.

“You would have asked me to move in the day after we got together?” Buck asks, and he kinds of expects Eddie to backtrack. But all he does is nod while opening the bedroom door. 

“Yes” He confirms. “Maybe even before breakfast.”

“Is that still on the table?” Buck asks, taking his shirt off to change into pajamas. Which is a generous name for Eddie’s old army shirt and basketball shorts. When Eddie doesn’t answer, he turns to face him, still shirtless.

“Move in with me” He says, as soon as they are making eye contact again.

“Yes.” Buck answers simply, because there’s nothing else to say.

Eddie nods. “We’ll ask Bobby for those forms, too, tomorrow.”

Buck laughs freely, going to hug Eddie, who hasn’t even begun getting ready for bed. “My lease isn’t over for another four months.”

Eddie shrugs, like that doesn’t matter. “We can use it for storage. Or see if we can afford to break the lease earlier, might be cheaper than 4 more months of rent.”

“When am I moving in in this scenario?” Buck asks. 

“This afternoon, after we feed our son.”

And…well, that sounds like a plan. “Okay, sleep now, we have a busy afternoon.” 

Steve’s mouth seemed to be doing things his brain hadn’t really had the time to process, but before he knew it he was saying, “You can have Hellfire at my place, Eddie.”It doesn’t really matter, in the end, because he still means those words. Steve Harrington has learned a lot of things in the last four years, but the best of them had been that he could turn his big empty house into a home. It was mostly the Party so far, since he had exchanged his crown as King to become the Babysitter, but his doors were open to Hellfire Club as well. They had made sure that Eddie actually worked in recovering from his trip to the Upside Down instead of letting him make every effort to worsen everything, so, in Steve’s book they were part of the family too. Maybe not friends, but Steve thought there was some camaraderie between them, even if the only bridge between them was Eddie. 

For a second, Eddie seemed just as surprised as Steve at the invitation, but soon his confusion melted into a big grin. “Are you offering up your castle, my king?” Eddie asked, with an exaggerated bow. But the thing is, the way Eddie said King was never the way Steve had gotten used to hear it back in high school. It wasn’t said with admiration, or fear. It was said the same way he said Dusty, or Red, or Sweetheart. One more name in Eddie’s repertoire, because God knew that man had a thing for nicknames, and a weird aversion at God given names. So, despite himself, Steve smiled. 

“But, are you sure, Stevie?” Eddie asked, straightening again. If his voice hadn’t given his nervousness away, the way he was trying to chew on a strand of hair did. Without thinking, Steve pulled the strand behind Eddie’s ears, taking the ends of it out of his mouth. Steve had perfected the art of taking someone’s hair out of their mouth without touching their saliva. His hand didn’t linger, just a knee-jerk reaction he had picked up from spending so much with Robin and her multiple nervous habits, but the air still felt charged somehow in a way it never did with Robin. 

“Of course, why wouldn’t I?” But Steve knew why. He wasn’t the King anymore, but he had seen the way oldest members of Hellfire Club looked at him. Steve couldn’t say he really knew them from his high school days, but they seemed to know him. Or at least of him. They always seemed wary of him, even if no one was outright rude or mean. Steve knew he had to gain their respect, and show them how he was now, the way he had with Jonathan Byers. And hosting Hellfire Club and getting to know them was as a good start as any.

Eddie didn’t state the obvious, instead giving Steve an out. “He usually play for hours, Harrington. Like hours. Are you sure you want us around for that long?” He teased, but his eyes remained in Steve’s. Steve wasn’t sure if he was looking for something specific in there, or just letting Steve know that an answer was expected, and it made him nervous. Was this a test? Was there a right answer?

“Oh, no, Munson, I wonder what will I ever do if my friends spend so much time with me.” Steve deadpanned, opting for a joke. It seemed to work, because as soon as Eddie let out a bark of a laugh the air seemed to clear, leaving them both back with the easiness they usually shared. 

“All right, then Hellfire Club in the Harrington Castle this week.” Eddie said excitedly, finally stopping his pacing just to lean on the counter, resting his chin on both his hands. Steve rolled his eyes at him good-naturedly, smiling at the other boy’s antics. 

“Only if you stop calling it that.” Steve answered, finally getting back to sorting the returned tapes around him, which he had stopped doing somewhere around the time that Eddie had started his monologue a few minutes ago. “Now, tell me when this meeting is taking place and get out of here. Robin’s break is up in about five minutes, and if you are still here we will both be in trouble.”

“Oh, am I distracting you, Big Boy?” Eddie teased, not moving an inch from his place. “We usually do Hellfire on Thursdays. You get off at 3 pm, right? Will it work at 5?”

Steve did a mental recap of his schedules, but Eddie had it memorized better than Steve himself, so he just nodded. “Yes, Thursday at 5 it is. Let me know who I have to pick up, I can do it on my way home.” 

Eddie nodded excitedly, banging his hand on the counter. Steve took that to mean that he agreed, but really he had no way of knowing. Eddie marched to his own rhythm. “See you Thursday, Steve-O. Robin.” He said, saluting, while walking backwards to the door. Steve watched him go, unsure if the man would trip over his own two feet. 

“What is Thursday?” Robin asked, making her way to Steve from the back room. 

“You are coming to my place after work. Eddie and the rest of Hellfire Club are playing their game at my place. I need to keep them from setting something on fire, and I need someone to keep me from going crazy.” Steve replied easily, handing Robin a pile of already sorted tapes so she could place them back on the shelf.

“You are what?” Robin asked incredulously, sitting on top of the counter instead of the chair they kept there specifically so they could sit. Steve decided that fight was not worth his time, he had lost it several times before.

“Hosting Hellfire, Bobby. They had nowhere else to go, and it is Will’s first time playing with the rest, and you know Dustin loves it.” He said, stopping his work to look at Robin. 

“You do know they are not actually your children, right, dingus?” She asked, offering him some of the Nerds she had been eating during break. Steve took a handful, but didn’t bother with a response. “Steve, I love you. But you know that Hellfire is not just your kids.”

Steve let out a sigh at that, leaning on the counter with his elbows and resting his forehead on his hands. He thought for a few minutes before answering. Thinking now seemed to take a bit longer than it did before, but there was only so much brain capacity he could keep after so many blows to the head. “I know, Robin. I do. But they are Eddie’s friends, okay? They are his family, just like you guys are mine. It’s my white flag. They don’t know me, but maybe they can get to, you know?”

Robin smiled at him. “Okay, dingus. Operation let’s get Eddie’s friends to like you so you can grow the balls to ask him out is on!” She exclaimed excitedly, hopping off the counter and going to re-stock the tapes that Steve had arranged for her.

“Robin!” He screamed alarmedly. “That is not what I said!”

“That is exactly what you said.” She countered, sticking her tongue out at him. 

“It’s not like that.” He said softly, and he knew he was an unflattering shade of red. Steve had recently come to terms with his bisexuality, and had only said it out loud one time; to Robin. He had known for a while, it was kind of impossible not to. But after talking to Robin it had felt less like a cross to bear and more like something else about himself he had learned in the last few years. Along with learning how to take care of feral children, how to better style his hair, how to be less of an asshole, and just how many concussions one can take before they are too many. 

Robin looked at him for a second, before making her way back and leaning heavily on him. Robin’s version of a hug. “Whatever way it is, Steve, is okay. I think Eddie likes you, too, though.” She said. Steve chuckled slightly, but pulled Robin into a hug. He had also learned that things can change in an instant, and he was done holding back. Robin found her place in his arms easily, and they stayed like that for a few seconds, grateful that it was Tuesday morning and literally no one came at that time, especially with how many people had simply moved out after the ‘earthquake’.

“So, will you come?” Steve asked, finally letting Robin go. 

Robin frowned at him. “Will you come?” She parroted back at him. “Of course I will! Will you come. What snacks are we having?” She asked, happily, grabbing the next pile of tapes. Steve smiled at her, while she listed all of her favorites, and not a single one of the kid’s favorites. Steve was finally starting to feel like himself, even if a few months ago he hadn’t known who that was. Steve Harrington, his own man. He felt free, with the people who see him for who he is and not what rumors said of him. Except maybe Mike. Steve never seemed to quite understand where he stood with that kid. He was rude and angry at everyone, seemed to specifically hate Steve, but he was always there anyway, and sometimes even thanked Steve for rides. It was mostly at Will’s insistence since he had come back to Hawkins, but Steve still counted it as a win. 

“All of those if you want, Bobby.” Steve agreed easily, once Robin was done listing everything she wanted. Robin smiled widely at him, and he couldn’t be more thankful to be where he is now.

So he isn't sure himself if avoiding Buck is now because of a lack of plan, or if it's out of anger, or something else. Because a part of him feels like he'll break down the moment he faces Buck. Maybe, just maybe, if he avoids him for long enough, Buck won't have to tell him they are broken up. That Eddie wasn't able to be good enough for even a month long relationship with the second most important person in his life. Buy himself some time. Or maybe, he’s just terrible enough to want to see if Buck still cares enough to seek him out, even after being reminded there are other options out there. Better options.

Because, the thing is, Eddie really tried this time. He was giving it his all, in a way he didn't feel he could with Ana or Marisol. Like he was losing every bit of himself he was pouring in. Every time he tried to be a better boyfriend for them, he was a little bit less Eddie. With Buck, he could be both at the same time, neither less important than the other.

And still, he did it wrong. He's about to be single again, and Eddie really, really doesn't want to allow Buck enough time to let him know. Which is proving more difficult by the minute, because he seems very invested in getting Eddie to meet his eyes as soon as they’re back at the firehouse.

"Eddie." He hears Buck call the moment he's out of the truck, but Eddie is faster when he wants to be, and soon enough he's in the loft while Buck is intercepted by Bobby and sent somewhere else to do something Eddie doesn't bother hearing. Problem is, Eddie knows he's not that lucky. Bobby knows something's up, and he's proved right when he's soon joined by some footsteps too light to be Buck's.

"What's going on, Eddie? Did something happen on that call?" He doesn’t need to clarify what call. They all know what call, all but Hen walking on eggshells around him since then. But Bobby sounds too soft, too nice, that Eddie wants to lash out, because that's the last thing he needs right now. But Bobby is not the one Eddie's emotional turmoil wants to be directed at. 

"I'm fine, Cap." He says instead, and his voice sounds too terse.

"Eddie..."

"I'm fine, really. I just need a minute." Eddie insists, going to wash the mugs left over from when they rushed out of the station before the call. 

"And avoiding Buck after the two have been attached at the hip is because...?"

"Not everything is about Buck." The anger is clear there, even if Eddie tried to hold it back.

There's silence for a beat. Two.

And then Bobby's soft, "of course not. But whatever it is, fix it before the end of shift, or I'm separating the two of you tomorrow.”

"It might be best if I work with Hen." He says without missing a beat, surprising even himself. Coward, he thinks bitterly, but ignores it in favor of trying to scrub his feelings away, his hands already red from the effort and the too hot water.

"I'll let Ravi know we might need him. If he can join at the beginning of the shit, you’ll be man behind." Bobby says eventually, and Eddie can hear his retreating steps. He's man behind. Bobby didn't miss Eddie was the one reacting like a child, while Buck went on like nothing happened, confused as if he's not the responsible party for Eddie feeling the way he does.

Eddie sighs and takes a deep breath, deeper than he intended, but it still feels like his lungs aren't getting enough air. He does it a few more times, just to try and relieve some of the tension, but to the same results.

When he's doing the last mug in the sink, he hears it. Thump, thump, thumpthump, thump, thumpthump. He knows the pattern by heart, Buck skipping a stair every two, so he braces himself. He knows he can't outrun it now. Maybe Bobby will let them change partners and neither of them will have to change shifts.

"Eddie," And Eddie won't have that. He can't stand Buck sounding so heart-broken when the one that's being discarded is Eddie. He doesn't even know what he did wrong.

"Just say it, Buckley." He says in the end, because anger is so much easier than hurt, as he turns around, leaning heavily against the kitchen counter. He slightly felt like if he stood up with no support, he was just going to crumble. "Couldn't help yourself before, could you?"

Buck has the audacity to look confused at that, as if Eddie hadn't heard him loud and clear telling some random man in the middle of LA that Eddie was single. 

"What happened, man?" Buck asked instead, and he sounds as hurt as Eddie feels. But he couldn't care less at the moment because Buck is calling him man, when a week ago he was being called 'sweetheart'. He knows for a fact that Buck called him 'baby' when he got home late three days ago with Thai take out. When had that changed? What had Eddie done before then and now?

Eddie couldn't help snorting at that. 

“That’s exactly what I want to know, actually.” He’s bitter, and Buck doesn’t deserve that. But Eddie doesn’t deserve a broken heart either. 

“Eddie, you have been avoiding me all day. Why don’t you explain it to me.” Buck’s anger is starting to show now, and that Eddie knows how to deal with. Except this is Buck, and Eddie no longer knows what game they’re playing and he’s just so tired, and he wants his Buck back and for all of this to be over and to never have occurred in the first place.

He nods, making up his mind. He’s self aware enough to know that all he has done all day flinging from one emotion to the next is self-sabotage, and he hasn’t even really spoken to Buck yet, so he doesn’t know what even is going on. He takes a deep breath. He’s an adult, he can behave like one. 

“Not here, okay?” He says softly, all the fight draining out of him. “Just…not here.” 

Because Eddie knows he can break in front of Buck. Has done so a million times now. But not in the station. Not out there for everyone else to see. 

He expects Buck to fight him on that, demand they discuss whatever this is right this second. But Buck cares so much. He nods too, extending his hand to Eddie, like he hasn’t behaved like a spoiled kid all day. He really wishes this hadn’t happened while on shift. He’s sure he would have been able to deal with this better if he had just been given a minute to think. To himself. 

Still, he takes Buck’s hand, because he has never once been offered comfort by Buck and denied it. 

“Our shift is over, let’s go home?” 

Eddie who hasn’t realized that what he has been doing so far wasn’t running away, it was surviving. Hide the drugs. Hide the weirdness. Hide his sexuality. Hide himself. So when one day, Garrett asks him why the hell are they holding Hellfire for the second time in a month in the Harrington residence, he doesn't think for a second before lying through his teeth.

"Look, man, I know Harrington is an asshole, but I am taking one for the team here. Do we or do we not have a big enough space for campaigns now? And the King even comes with amenities!" All sarcastic, holding the juice box Steve had laid out with the rest of the snacks.

And he meant it as he did most things, a way to hide who Eddie Munson is and protect himself. Except he knew he had fucked up big time the moment Dustin looked furious, but he wasn't looking at him; he was looking behind him. And there was only one force strong enough in this side of the world that could keep Dustin Henderson quiet.

And sure enough, as soon as Eddie turned around he could see Steve Harrington standing behind him, a tray full of nachos in his hands. He looked as calm and collected as ever, even a smile on his face. But Eddie knew that look and that face. It was his Family Video pose. It was his retail worker face. He had never looked at him like that before.

And Steve Harrington, who had learned to trust in the last three years those who he never thought he would. The Steve Harrington who had become the forever babysitter, and now felt more comfortable with a bat full of nails than with a basketball. A Steve Harrington, former swim captain, who now only got in the water if it meant saving someone else. A Steve Harrington who had worked so hard to leave The King behind and become Steve.

The same one who, once he find out Eddie Munson was one of them now, had received him like one of their own. A brother in arms, of sort. A friend, for sure.

Just smiled his customer smile, set the nachos down and said, “That comes free of charge, Munson. No need to pretend to be friends. Please lock the door on your way out.” And just turned to leave.

Steve had never joined a single session of Hellfire, but had started sitting in and listening to the stories, at the children’s insistence. Now, he turned around and left.

Both Dustin and Eddie made to stand up and go after him, but Mike’s voice stopped them. “Let him leave, he doesn’t like the game either way. Let’s just finish this”. And to Eddie’s surprise, the boy’s voice is full of venom directed solely at him.

Dustin turns to Mike and after a short silent conversation just sits back down, not turning back to Eddie.

Steve doesn’t come back. Eddie and the other teens are thrown out almost as soon as the game is over, only the Party staying behind.

….

I am not really sure what comes next. But my guess is Steve plays his part, a gracious Host who is doing Okay. No, he’s not hurt and the kids can stop worrying. And Eddie believes him. Wants to ask for forgiveness still, explain the situation. But Steve was the King of Hawkins, and not for nothing. He will play his part to perfection, while giving Eddie 0 chance to talk to him alone. They are Not Friends, and he needs to come to terms with that (Steve or Eddie or both). So yeah. Maybe I writes maybe I don’t. If someone knows of a ff similar please let me know.