#justwanttocuddle

I have ended up reflecting a lot lately and what it is about sex that makes me recoil from the idea.

One, I think I am bursting at the seams with messaging about sex. About how it’s supposed to be something that I’m supposed to be good at and how if I am not good at it I might never be able to have a relationship (talking about high stakes?) And it’s something that i have to ‘experiment with’ and ‘try out different things’ and ‘learn’ and ‘have to do with some socially acceptable level of frequency’ like, I have way too much of that in the rest of my life? Like I haven’t heard any of this language used regarding other activities I might enjoy with another person, and this is supposed to be a private intimate enjoying one another kind of thing?

Second, and this has to do primarily with my experiences having sex with men, which is the majority of my experience, but I can probably count on one hand the actual number of instances I enjoyed the whole process of sex? Most often, at what turns out to be the end of the whole shebang, I am faced with one of to scenarios:

1. the guy ejaculates and the immediately goes to the bathroom to clean up while I am just there, alone, in bed, not feeling done at all.

2. the guy ejaculates and then either plops over and falls asleep, or falls asleep on top of me? and then I’m just there, alone, in bed?