Dear Zoe - I loved reading your last post. And I’m so glad that we are keeping this blog up! I don’t care if no-one else ever sees it! It’s just so beneficial to keep writing and thinking about this stuff.
I think you know that I do a bit of reflective writing anyway, as part of my practise. It just helps me get my head clear. And tonight I was feeling so racy and anxious as I get back into working again post illness, and start to feel inevitably worried about all the projects I have committed myself to between now and the end of the year. It’s busy - but it so often is at this time of year. And the first half of the year has been much breezier and I’ve had fun experimenting and trying things out. But now it feels like crunch-time! Deadlines looming and that creates the inevitable pressure and the worry about my work and so on. The usual arrival of my old friend doubt! And big-time imposter syndrome at the moment too. Looking at other’s work - comparing myself and berating myself too for not pursuing some of my ideas when I should have....
I think, actually that maybe this is where the anxiety is stemming from. I'm on the cusp of new work but I haven't fully dived in and committed. (that is typical too)....and I feel that my hesitation does me no favours. I see work on-line that feels like something I wish I'd made, ideas that are similar to mine, techniques etc,....and instead of feeling inspired by that I feel deflated. I feel that I have missed the boat or something. It's that same feeling I used to get at uni as a young person who lacked confidence. Someone too afraid to stick up their hand and make a comment or ask a question in a tutorial – only to berate herself a moment later when someone else made the same comment and was validated for being so insightful! I'd want to shout – I thought of that too!! But of course I said nothing and just told myself off for being pathetic. Well this is exactly what it feels like when I see stuff /read stuff online and the same thing happens. I have contemplated discontinuing my account for this reason - it just feels like it’s not that good for me. It is a valuable tool in many ways though so I guess I will try just limiting my time on instagram and scheduling it in - so it’s part of my work but not something I just plunge into randomly. I’ll let you know how it goes.
In the meantime, here is one of those scary experimental pieces I have been playing around with. I guess it’s a miniature niche/grotto thing. I was thinking about the Small things Art Prize when I made it...maybe?
I do love that bronze glaze I must say!
As usual:
