#justarcadefire

As 2017 came to an end, I lived through this catharsis: I attended to my second and third Arcade Fire concert, and one week later my 6 year relationship ended. 2018, I had to come back to my parents place and face one of the most depressive/pathetic years of my life. I made terrible choices, I was drunk like every weekend and one time I almost got killed by three thiefs whom putted a gun to my head, How the hell I am still alive? I don't know.

2019 wasn't different at all, I had this urge to feel loved again and despite having 'friends' I think I've never feel more alone like those days. Back in 2014 when I had my first panick attack, I was diagnosed with anxiety and OCD. Since then I managed to live with it, with ups and downs, struggling to find a way to enjoy most of the things I used to love. I never accomplished at all, but I tried my best. So, the pandemic hitted and we all know what we went through those horrible times. As a result my mental health went downhill even worse than before.

Why am I writting this? Im not sure at all, besides I don't even know if there's still someone around here who's gonna read this. But as WE day is here, I felt this urge to put my feelings and thoughts in here, just like the old times.

These 5 years have left deep scars into my heart, soul and mind. I still have this horrible need to feel/be loved/loveable, most of the time I have no idea of what am I doing with my life felling like I'm wasting my precious time around here, I'm still struggling with anxiety, insecurities and yes, I still feel lonely/lost as fuck. Somedays are better than others, often the best I can do is to cry until I fall asleep and wait for a better day to start. But I'm still going, I'm still trying…

I'm not sure If I am a better person than my younger self in 2017, but now I'm surely do know certain things about me, about what I want and I don't in my life, about the things I'm looking for and the things I hope to find one day, once again.

Here's what I've learned so far: Don't take anything or someone for granted ever, not even yourself. Because you are gonna change, always. That's the only constant in life. Time moves only forward. Don't expect anyone to save you from your shit, or to face the consequences of what you have made… that's up to you, no one else. Besides, nobody deserves to pay for something they didn't have to do with it at all.

That little voice inside your head telling you that you are not good enough, or you are a mistake? Guess what? WE are enough, WE are not a mistake, WE are just lost and afraid. WHO ISN'T? Remember: WE only have ourselves, WE are our strongest shelter, WE are the only ones capable of defeating our monsters, WE must embrace our shadows and make amends with them in order to keep going, that's the only way WE could get through this without going insane. Take a deep breath: WE will be okay. No one is perfect, read that again: No one.

More than a random text, this feels like a letter to my younger self (or future(?)). Oh man, If that poor guy would've know what he was approaching to, he will probably shitted his pants before freaked out and losed his mind.

Wherever/Whoever you are, yes, you; I just want to tell you how immensely proud I am of you. No matter how bad the weather looks, keep going, don't give up because it's just a matter of time till WE meet again.

Happy WE day everyone.

Do you remember the way you used to be three years ago? I do.

I remember 2014

I remember March 2014.

And I remember perfectly March 28, 2014

That day I achieved one of my biggest dreams since I my teen memories . That day I screamed so hard till I couldnt hear. I jumped till touched the sky, I felt down and sprained my left feet (untill today, its still that way), I cried till I run out of tears, I moved my arms with fury, I crawled in the floor beacause I couldnt believe what was happening. That was the first time for me in an Arcade Fire show.

I remember that year, because it was also the year that I had my first anxiety attack. Since then I was fighting against the bad thinking, the fear, the insecurity, the bad thoughts about everything. I dont know exactly what was the hardest thing about that, because everything about it sucks. Sincerly there was a moment when I truly thought that the problem was me, that I had no “cure” and all my life I would keep fighting against that.

Now that I think about all the things that made it worst, all are mistakes from my teenage years. I mean by itself my anxiety problem was horrible but combined with the everyday struggle, it made it ten times worst. I dont know If I could have changed something, something from the decisions that I made that put me into that situation, maybe yes, well that would have made the things easier in those years… but in the end I know that the answer is no.

Why?

Because I wouldnt be here right now.

All the good and bad things throught the past 3 years made me the person that I am today.

NOW Im living with my girlfriend

NOW Im stronger

EVERYTHING NOW makes sense: all the pain, all the joy, all the suffer, all the tears, all the fear, all the screams, all the nights without sleeping, EVERYTHING.

Im so proud of “me” at 19 in 2014; because he never gave up, he moved forward again and again and again. I never was alone of course, my beautiful girlfriend Mariana my brother Santiago and my mother Lidia make me strong everyday.

NOW Im about to see Arcade Fire for the Second (Nov. 29) and Third (Nov. 30) time in my life, and I can’t wait to scream, cry and sing as hard as I can. I always will say that for me Arcade Fire is the place where I go when Im happy or sad, lonely or lovely…

Yes, the anxiety will always be there. It is part of us as a humans, but its never going to put me against the floor again. Never. An Arcade Fire live show? Of course, its my best weapon against everything (and what a better way to do it than with Mariana)

Thanks to the life, to the universe, to god for letting me stay here once again in front of the most beautiful humans on Earth, I promise that I wont dissapoint you.