#justallnerves

                     truthfully,   she hadn’t much wanted to go either.   the idea of such CROWDS of students was overwhelming.   but it was a tradition it seemed people were determined to drag her to.   &  if she was going,  so was natalie.

           “  listen,  I’m not going to the yule ball alone.   who knows,   maybe you’ll enjoy yourself !  ”     her grin falters,   but still a laugh edges through.   the sun was setting outside their window.  her eyes drifted to the gown glittering in her wardrobe.  perhaps it would be nice to get dressed up,   dance like nothing was ever wrong,  forget that going HOME for the holidays would mean constant lectures,   stiffened linen gloves,  &  the constant looks of disapproval from the regents who carried about as much care for her in their hearts as her father had.   this was no time for thinking of that,  the snow flying outside soothed her anxious bones.   

zoe slammed the front door of her house, leaving her parents behind to watch her walk out. they had gotten into another argument, something that was happening a lot more frequently. it seemed to be a routine at this point, and zoe was getting tired of it. she hated going to school every day, only to face a sea of unfamiliar people telling her how great of a loss she’s suffered, how awful she must feel. going home wasn’t any better-- her mother trying to get her to read random email exchanges, digging into connor’s privacy, going on and on about how misunderstood of a boy he was, how the fact that he had been torturing her for the majority of her life mattered to nobody. zoe lost her brother, but she also lost her worst nightmare. how was she supposed to cope with that? 

she stepped onto the school grounds, not knowing where else to go. everyone had already gone home, except for the sports teams who practiced in their various corners on campus. zoe breathed in the empty air, trying to imagine what her life was like before her brother had died. it was difficult, even if it was only a week and a half ago. he was still here, quiet but terrifying. 

                  her hand comes to rest gently on the piano   -----    its surface smooth and just slightly cool to the touch.   she nods,  eyebrows lifting toward natalie.   she knew the girl,  this new friend’s,  mother had gone through some things.   she knew the whispers that even her MOTHER indulged in,  though wendla only knew this from her other friends at school whose mothers had spoke with mrs. bergmann.   wendla wasn’t told anything at home.  such was the way she’d always lived.

Carrie had seen the recital. 

         It had been ROUGH. And that was coming from a girl whose mother thought that being locked in a closet was acceptable punishment. She wasn’t friends with the girl she wasn’t friends with anyone really, a  f r e a k  like her? However, they had been in the same classes for a few years, enough for her to notice how the girl acted. Unlike Sue Snell or Chris Hargensen she had never been interested in the whims of popularity that seemed to entrance high schoolers. Natalie had always been more focused than that --- so to see her LOSE control onstage was jarring to say the least. She had felt that urge to devolve into madness, or uncategorized notes on a piano -- but she had never given into it. Not yet at least.