I hate going to the store. I hate going to the grocery store. I hate being in public. I feel like everyone is judging me for how I look, what I'm buying (or not buying). The fact that I go in knowing exactly what's safe and what I'm buying before hand, but I still obsessively walk every aisle. I go in for specific stuff yet I'm like maybe I should get X or Y other safe food since I'm here but I just stand in front of it zoning out because I have to make a schedule, if I should even buy the thing if it's not for today, if I wait I can burn more by making another trip, how many calories are in it, how I'm going to burn it off. Until I just get frustrated and walk away to something else where I do the same fucking thing.
Sometimes when I get to my safe food and the items on my list my brain's like, "nah, you don't need that." Then I get home and hours later when I still have plenty of room in my allowance for said thing I get mad at myself because I didn't buy it and have to eat something not safe, and the tiniest of portion to be even remotely okay.
Then while I walk around if stop at something I feel the need to flee if anyone talks to me, is standing by me, or walking by because they'll think I'm a fat pos and think I'm disgusting.
Then when I went to self checkout, the woman working the front came up behind me as I'm zoning out and takes the empty basket from me. I just about jumped out of my skin... When I leave and they say, "thank you" or "have a good night/rest of your day" or whatever the first thing that comes out of my mouth is random and I sound like a fucking grouch because I'm trying to flee without being noticed. I'm sorry sales people, I wish I knew how to be semi sociable and I wish I didn't sound like Oscar the Grouch when you talk to me, I'm sorry I'm spacey and I don't pay attention. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry
