But at the same time, Iāve lost most of my lingering motivation for this project. Itās interesting how obsession, given some break time, can pitter out to nothing. Still I got some good programming practice, studied some old math and put it to use!
I am proud of that.
And I donāt want to stop these cycles. For theĀ ābreak periodā Iām going to spend time and meditate on my thoughts. I want to find another new project that Iām brimming with energy for. I want to find something Iām excited to delve into. And I have an idea to help categorize projects so I can pick them up again.
I have some regrets, I wonāt deny my very human reaction to sunk cost fallacy. And yet, Iām excited to poke something new and flex some new muscles.
What will we take on next? Iām excited to try and I want to be okay with failing.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
ā Live Streamingā Interactive Chatā Private Showsā HD Quality
Anya is LIVE right now
FREE
Free to watch ⢠No registration required ⢠HD streaming
How does one combat it? Do you work to make what you do less boring? Or do you just power through boredom? Is there a third option Iām not considering?
I feel itās a little bit of everything. Just trying to find clever ways to make what you do fun. Sometimes powering through even if you donāt feel like working for the day. And maybe sometimes you come up with something outside that binary. Who knows.
I feel like Iāve been fighting boredom my whole life. Itās not a foe thatāll ever push me to lose my life, I think, but itās like this looming reminder that Iāll never achieve anything of value because I canāt push myself. Because to work is boring. Or so my brain assumes.
That assumption comes into play every day, before I start work. That what Iām doing is going to be boring. That I can do it, but Iām going to be bored to tears. That I shouldnāt becauseĀ āwhy bother? You know you couldĀ do it. Isnāt that enough?ā
I wonder sometimes, why those thoughts bug me. Why it isnātĀ āenough.ā Why I want to see things come into reality rather than just leaving them in my mind. I donāt know.
Iāve never really received much praise or notoriety for what I make and I donāt know if thatās something I even care for. Iāve had flights of fancy in my mind where something takes off, and I believe planning as if your game will be that way is for the best--that is, plan for a game thatāll scale to all you want it to be, rather than acceptingĀ āgood enoughā solutions for the moment. But I donāt honestly believe Iāll create something amazing on my own.
And Iām not motivated by huge sums of money. Iām pretty content with how much I have now really, thought I know Iām more or less scraping by as an IT. Iāve always seen money as a means to an end, but donāt really see how it translates to the end I want. I donāt have enough to pay other people for things, so I may as well just hold onto it, seeing as I donāt want for much.
I donāt even see much reward from myself. I see it as boring. I like the problems because they keep me busy and thereās a clear goal in the end that Iām getting to. But they never seem to keep my excited for long. I want that obsession back.
What an odd thing to say. Where I wasnāt sleeping well or eating right, but I want it back.
Iāve been thinking... is the goal to create, or is the goal to keep working?
The difference is an interesting one to think on. Iāve created a lot of things. Most of them small. Most Iāve just forgotten about after the fact. I just did them, then moved onto the next thing, because by the time I was done with one thing, I was tired of it and just wanted it to be done.
So should I create with the purpose of just learning? Itās hard to say. A lot of the time, when I start, itās because I care and really want the project to be good and change lives. But as I go on I start to lose steam and stop remembering why I wanted to work on the project in the first place.
I usually have something I want to work on though. And it shifts, like any other thing. When Iām motivated, I work harder.
So... should I swap between things all the time with no focus on completing things, but to just go where my whims take me and gather experience? Or should I learn to focus my determination and complete works?
I feel both have something to learn in them. The choice is hard. Perhaps it isnāt a choice though, but just something to be aware of. Hmm...
Started refactoring the Lookahead today and worked out the kink with the movement.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
ā Live Streamingā Interactive Chatā Private Showsā HD Quality
Anya is LIVE right now
FREE
Free to watch ⢠No registration required ⢠HD streaming
I think Iāve forgotten something vital, but I want to re-remember it sooner rather than later.
A pomodoro is supposed to be spent as undistracted as possible. Ideally, not at all. But I allow myself to chat inbetween thoughts. My thoughts are distracted too easily to give that merit.
I think thatās my biggest fear. That if I donāt talk with my friends when they need me, I wonāt be able to help them. But... I know when to tell a conversation needs my attention. And that isnātĀ āevery time.ā
I need to sit and ask myself:Ā does this bear responding to right now?
In any case, I spent today working refactoring the FSM I currently have. I have an object hierarchy planned out now. Now itās just about properly implementing it.
Iāve never done refactoring on this level before. But I suppose thereās a first time for everything.
I may or may not have talked before of the fact that Iām using a set of states to represent the way my Movable unit can move. Iām leaning toward probably.
I implemented it in the least elegant way possible. Switches. Ew.
My plan is to refactor this using the state pattern, but itās just... this is the first time Iāve learned a design pattern outside of school. Iām pretty sure I can implement it, but itās weird.
This time thereās no safety net and no one to tell me Iāve screwed up. Iāve always relied on others to tell me that but now, here, no oneās going to take the time out of their day to look at my code unless I cut out a piece for them to look at.
That bugs me. I know itās the way of the world, but the fact that no one is looking. No one actively seeks to care. And not out of spite. But out of enormity.
The size of the world bugs me. Itās huge. So massive, I canāt really comprehend it. There are so many people and Iām just one voice in many.
One voice writing in a blog about bad code and a small game.
And I know Iām not nearly at the end of this project, but Iām starting to get to the point where I solve more issues than I create. Iām finishing a bug and it doesnāt pop back up.
Iām going to need to refactor, sure, but I know that after that is the terrifyingĀ ātime between.ā Where I have to choose the next thing. I think I have a next thing. But choosing to start it is hard.
Itās a natural break point when you finish a subsystem. Create a piece of art that youāre satisfied with. Finish a chapter.Ā āIāll just take a quick break.ā Which turns into eternity.
Iāve run into it enough times. Iām afraid of it in its own way. Iām afraid of the comfy ending.
āI did well enough. I can stop here. Just for now.ā
I donāt want to want to end. That wasnāt a typo (this time). I donāt want to wantĀ to end.
But I donāt think lying to myself about it is good. I donāt want to continue. I can feel the obsession creeping back up, which is good. But I know that if I gave myself an opportunity I would stop.
I donāt like that about myself. But I donāt want to lie to myself either. I want to end and tell myself I accomplished something.
But itās not enough. I, the conscious me, agrees with that hungry part of me that wants to create. Itās fine and even important to rest. Fine and very important to think outside of your project. But itās a sin to yourself to stop.
I donāt want to stop. I wonāt stop. I will keep going.
Iām going to list out two subsystems I can work on after this so I have an easier choice than etherium, but I will choose something and continue, uninterrupted until the end of the cycle.
And then, weāll see if I can manage a third.
But thatās neither here nor there. I will keep going.