#juniperdugong

"I thought we'd gotten past the formalities, y/n…" Disappointment rides over his face, he should be expecting this after how he acted in the office but it only makes his mood more sour. Sensing your apprehension he lightens up, "Right, sorry-", adjusting himself on the couch, he picks up one of the mugs and starts sipping, "Saw you've got a new assistant." He doesn't elaborate or even meet your eyes as he changes the subject.

"Nana-" He throws you a stare that makes you clear your throat, "Kento… what does me having a new assistant have to do with anyth-"

"Can I not have a good and well-mannered conversation with my co-worker?" He cuts you off, knowing what you're prodding him for but not giving in just yet.

"Not if that co-worker is me and anyways, I think officially speaking I'm your boss. Even more inappropriate." You nip at your fingernails before pulling your skirt down, "But that isn't even why we're really here."

He sets down his mug and gets up, your breath hitches at his movements and his gaze darkens at your trepidation - he approaches you slowly, "Let's not be like this, y/n.", it sounds like he's fed up with your attitude. You couldn't understand why he would be the one fed up in this situation but suddenly you can't control your breathing, chest rising up and down more and more rapidly as he stalks forward, the way the lighting hits him makes his shadow grow from your perspective- You feel like an animal being hunted and you're not sure if you like it. His eyes narrow as his imposing frame towers - caging you in.

"Kento, stop." You're stern as the pit in your stomach grows. And he pauses, shaking his head and chuckling before backing away and composing himself.

"I'm sorry- Sit. Please. I have a feeling we might take a while…" Acting as though he didn't just try to intimidate you he sits back down. Turning on the TV he drags out this moment of tension until you feel coerced to sit or else you'd get nowhere and you'd have come here for nothing.

---

Of course, it wasn't always like this. There was a point in time when his stalking was desired, lusted after, and in turn, he was fond of your seductive fawning & controlling side. Yours and Nanami's relationship was almost like a TV-perfect office romance/forbidden love trope. Both competing to get promotions, bickering in meetings to gain advantage & prestige, nothing more than idle talk about client meetings during work hours, and both equally as cold & uncaring in the eyes of everyone in the office.

After hours…now that was a different story altogether. What started as coincidentally meeting at the convenience store - both of you hammered after a night out to relieve stress - turned into much more. What neither of you would admit to calling an office crush twisted itself into love motel stops & Nomikai's that became routine for you two. Always claiming that "just one more night" would quell your desire for each other. It was almost toxic the way you wanted one another - how the frustration of the office during the day could be taken out on each other during the night.

But that relationship changed once you got promoted. You both had been up for the position for some time - having several meetings & being observed constantly - near continuous stress. Being so fiercely competitive you went at each other's throats, desperate to prove your worth to the company. Your nights out became back-to-back sessions of rough love-making that would end with tired eyes remembering the hostile environment you've both cultivated at the office that you would now have to return to in the morning.

When it was announced that you had gotten the position things began to shift. Of course, there was the relief of securing something earned through hard work & loyalty but looking Nanami in the eye became harder, as if through this your loyalty to him was in question. Over the next month your nomikai's together were less frequent, you were moved to the office one floor up so talking was rare now too - it all fizzled right at the climax. "How boring." Nanami thought.

Months passed and eventually, you lost all contact except for the occasional meeting or report. In a surprising turn of events, you got promoted again when the department head got fired as the new year came. This effectively made you Nanami's boss and once more your paths crossed with increased frequency.

Everything was really good. No longer colleagues and rivals, your relationship got better. You still felt the occasional guilt of climbing the corporate ladder faster than him, but it wasn't anything either of you could or would change at this point. You were able to make light conversation, the spark of the corrupted crush you had so long ago reigniting, but this time, more purely—more right.

You'd blush as you came into your office and saw a note with a coffee or breakfast sandwich next to it. Inside poetic waxing of 1-3 sentences often harping on "having a good day" & "gaining energy" from these lovely efforts. And at the end always signed "Ken."

Even the smallest efforts made your heart swell, as would anyone's given the circumstances and the man. Without needing physical intimacy there was a subtle tension, never negative, instead an electricity in the air that made the office feel more alive… Well, at least that's what you two would experience. Maybe this time you get off on the right foot and build up something real - although still heavily taboo between boss & employee. At least it would be a relationship bound by more than tenuous midnight moans & morning walks of shame.

---

At your height within the company, it would be stupid to take on menial tasks like running to the printer, confirming meeting times, and scheduling on-site appointments. Not too soon after your promotion, a peer advised you to get a full-time secretary or personal assistant. You had more than enough salary to pay someone, so why not? Less on your plate meant more time spent thinking about your personal life, something you couldn't afford to do before.

It didn't take long for young university hopefuls to come crawling out of the woodwork once you posted the job offer. Colleagues began being overly nice during work hours in hopes of buttering you up enough to mention a name of an underclassmen or relative. During this period, noticing the buzz around you Nanami came around less frequently in fear of being a bother but his presence made itself known in the refilled snack drawer by your desk and the organized documents that you had complained to him about over lunch. Eventually, you settled on a very nice young man who had good enough experience to not be a hassle to train but not too experienced to where your seniority felt pointless.

Sure enough, it made things much easier over the next week. Meetings went by more smoothly and you could contain work more strictly to office hours.

In your newfound free time, you often drifted to thinking about Kento and what your relationship was. You started to consider the thought of "liking" someone, of liking Nanami Kento seriously. How nice it would feel to go to dinner with him after work with no expectations of the night, of stealing kisses in the break room, of waking up next to someone and this time not rushing to gather your clothes from off the floor.

So, after a few months of back & forth and more time than ever to attempt something like this, you decided to test your waters by setting up coincidental bump-ins with him but the results were odd. You were friendly with each other sure but in your gut you could feel him pulling away. Every interaction becoming shorter and less filled with niceties & casual talk leaving you confused. You were so sure that this was working, that weeks ago this would've led to a real connection; Maybe you weren't on the same exact page but close enough… you had thought that at least.

Were the signals too mixed? Did he want to return to the casual sex from before? Was that what he was after all along? Was he not on the same page and saw this simply as friendliness between higher-up and lower employee?

But then what did it mean when he'd brought you coffee in the mornings? Or when he'd stop by your office during lunch to ask what you were eating? Or the shy smiles you'd steal from each other when you were sure no one was looking? What does all that mean if not "I like you"?

You couldn't stand it. Waiting for the coy smile of the businessman sitting across the room during a meeting became almost torturous. You're not sure but it feels like a significant change had occurred without you knowing. Like over the past week a frost had entered and frozen over an innocent springtime.

The next 2 weeks were spent analyzing this thing between you and in your analysis you confirmed one thing. That this was not a case of growing apart but rather an avoidance caused by an unknown subject- Unknown to you that is. A confusing loop of getting just close enough to observe the glimmer of want in his eyes when you were around but never close enough to actually talk about it. And that's when you knew that you had to do something or the spark would fizzle just as quickly as it did before.

---

"Nanami, can I talk to you in meeting room 3?" His eyebrow quirked at your sudden question.

"Oh sure, was something wrong with yesterday's reports? Or did the client from Y company say something?" As per usual he kept on the topic of business - He has no precedent to think this was anything but, after all.

"No, I actually just wanted to touch base about something else." His face was inscrutable as your words were taken in.

"I'll be there in 15. Just let me finish up these last couple of emails." Even his tone was monotonous, with no hint of deeper thought or meaning. For all you know, he could be cursing you out in his head.

15 minutes has never felt this long before. Circling the room you went over the conversation you've meticulously planned - All the responses he could make and all the actions he could take. You're not sure if in doing this you only made yourself more nervous or if it at all quelled your worry but you couldn't stop. Not until you heard those heavy footsteps and the door click.

"Nanam-"

"Y/n-" You almost giggled as your voices overlapped but seeing the forlorn look on Kento's face made that moment of joy subside.

"Sorry, you called me here for a reason. Please…" He gestured towards you to continue.

"Ah- I umm I just wanted to talk to you because recently it seems like you've been…avoiding me. I mean it's not like I expe-"

"Stop." He cuts you off abruptly. "Not during work hours, please."

"Then when? I can never find a moment with you alone these days. It's only in an official capacity like this can I even see you right now."

"Y/n-" He sighs deeply, rubbing his temples before continuing, "Look - I'm sorry. I have been avoiding you. But it's for a good reason."

"Good reason? What reason?" You don't mean to sound as mad as you do but you couldn't help it - You were hurt. What reason could he possibly have for distancing himself like this? The look on your face must've conveyed your emotions perfectly because he immediately softens raising a hand to your cheek to comfort you.

"Mrs. L/n are you in- I am so sorry." Your assistant walks just before Kento can reach you. "Mr. Lee is ready to see you in your office. Please excuse me." He leaves just as quickly as he arrives.

You turn your attention back to Kento as you see his gaze linger on the door as it swings closed. Whatever softness he was going to reach you with has hardened, his eyes narrowed with a look of displeasure. "Ken-"

"It looks like you have to go, Mrs. L/n." He straightens up and addresses you formally. You're about to speak up as he leans in close to your ear, "My house tomorrow after work if you have further business to discuss regarding this manner."

Fixing himself he doesn't even spare you a glance. He makes his annoyance far too obvious with the low grumble that echoes throughout the room. Completely frozen from the shock of his whispered proposal you couldn't comment on his attitude, not even as his boss.

You shudder at the thought of being alone with him again after those words. What consequences have you brought upon yourself this time? Going to his house either sounds like the worst hell or the most gracious heaven right now and your mind can't settle on which one sounds more probable. There was only one way to find out.

---

Well now you were certainly in his home but the pressure in the room was enough to make an elephant sweat. Coerced to sit you breathe out heavily, adjusting yourself to as comfortably as you could in your rigidness. Kento reaches for the TV remote and turns the volume down before turning to face you nonchalantly.

"This silence is scaring me a bit, Kento." You break the silence, your words have a joking tone but he takes it seriously even as you pose a fake smile.

"I'm scaring you? I'm…" He swallows his words, straightens out, and takes a breath, "I'm sorry about that y/n. What was it that you wanted to discuss?" It's almost sickening the way he puts on the formality of business with you after nearly pouncing.

"What? No, you're not- Wait. Can we just stop this?" You rush to clear up whatever spiraling thought he had from your few words before focusing your gaze down, embarrassed of bringing up the subject.

"Stop what?" And it sounds like he's genuinely asking. Raising your head back up to meet his eyes you see confusion but also want to resolve whatever this is. Some amount of confidence is restored as you realize that it isn't just you who wants to fix things.

"Well, like I said back in the meeting room, you've been avoiding me Kento. And don't try to deny it."

He pauses trying to collect his words, "I have. But like I said for good reas-"

"Then just tell me the reason Kento." You raise your voice out of frustration.

Nanami retreats, readjusting to calm his nerves. You've never seen him so timid except for when he has to ask if his favorite treats are in stock at the bakery. He can't bring himself to look at you anymore. Whatever confidence he had was blown away by your exclamation. He picks up his mug, takes a sip of his tea, and fiddles with the handle - head downturned.

A murmur comes from him, "What is this?"

"What?" You can barely grasp the words.

"This." And he gestures between the two of you. "What is it? Y/n."

"I'm not understanding, Ken." And you notice the nickname catches his attention as his head whips to look at you - only then do you realize that you haven't addressed him so casually since before your promotions. Not even when you were flirting through office exchanges. For a second you wonder when that hostile relationship became more casual & comfortable than what you had grown accustomed to now.

Nanami bites his bottom lip, "Are we something? Anything other than coworkers? Tell me upfront, please because I don't think I can handle any more of these blurry lines. It's hurting my heart too much." It's a shock to you to see him this way but even more of a shock to himself as he's sure he's never even been this shaken by a curse standing right in front of him but now you've gone and turned things upside down.

You're speechless. Isn't that what you meant to ask him? He was the one putting distance between you. He was the one avoiding you. And now he was asking you this as if you're the one to blame for his actions. For someone so incredibly smart man, oh man was he dumb when it came to emotions. For the first time above the sheets, you're seeing Nanami Kento crumble into your hands. The intimidation tactics from before you now realize were just a front for him to hide all these feelings.

"Do you want to be something other than "coworkers"? Nanami." You scoot closer to him.

"I don't know what to think right now." His eyes are glossy but not yet tear-filled however with the shaky tone you have a feeling that the flood was incoming.

"Just tell me everything that crosses your mind. Anything is better than nothing right now." You're begging him at this point to open up to you. Staying in this relationship purgatory hell for any longer would drive you up a wall.

"Maybe…I don't know." He sighs, " I just- I don't think I'm in my right mind when it comes to you." Placing the mug back down he puts his hands to his face trying to gain clarity.

"What do you mean? Ken." You reach out to him, placing a hand on his knee.

He turns his head to face you again, another heavy sigh escaping him before placing his head back in his hands speaking slightly muffled. "You've made me insane, y/n." He chuckles and you smile, it feels so good to hear him laugh genuinely for just a moment even in his presumed "insanity". "Every time I see you I just want to- I want to hold you. And every time you're near my heart feels at peace but never at ease. I don't know what to make of you."

"I'm afraid I'm still not understanding?" You can sense the inner turmoil he's going through but his word vomit, although pretty, isn't helping you piece it all together clear enough to respond; You're not sure what's holding him back but you know you want to help him through it. Standing up you place yourself in front of him, kneeling slightly to pry his hands away from his face.

He looks up at you as you stand tall before him. Tears now brimming. You never thought a day would come when you would see Nanami of all people on the brink of collapse, as sad as it was it was also extremely cute. But, Was whatever he had to admit something to get this emotional about? Or was it just the fact that it involved you? Even he couldn't be sure of the answer.

"I'm pathetic." He lets his hands flop onto his lap as his shoulders slump and his head hits your stomach in defeat.

You chuckle at the admission brushing the back of his head and letting your hand play with the strands at the nape of his neck. "How are you pathetic? Have I made you feel like that? Is that why…you won't talk to me anymore?"

"What?! No!" He exclaims before calming down once more, this time he places his chin on your navel to look up at you, "I'm pathetic because I get jealous over - what is probably - nothing…" He digs himself back into the softness of your belly, bringing his arms to wrap around your waist - securing you where he can breathe you in.

"Can you let me in on what this "nothing" is? Because I've been nothing but confused these past few weeks, Kento."

Breathing you in, he says something completely muffled that tickles you just enough to lightly chuckle.

"Hmm?" You brush at his gel-hardened hair to coerce him to face you and he follows your movements as if entranced by your touch. His eyes close as he brings his hand to meet yours now leading you to cup his face letting his thumb brush over the skin on your hand. How good it feels to smell you he thinks.

Oh how men fall, more specifically how Nanami Kento falls to your visage as slivers of city lights intertwine with the warm interior and you're illuminated like no goddess he could even imagine. If he could stretch this moment in time forever he would - but he cannot and thus he resigns to just taking you in as your face continues to screw up in confusion.

"Your assistant." and he lets his head hang once more, too embarrassed of his truth to let you meet his eyes.

"My assistant?" You're genuinely confused by the two words for a quick second before it clicks, "Oh…my assistant…He's why you don't want to take me out to lunch anymore?"

"I always want to take you out to lunch, y/n. But how can I- sigh When he's with you 24/7 & gets to be with you all day, how can I not feel so…angry."

"Ken…" You almost have no words, of course, emotions are fickle and he can't control the way he feels but it is kind've silly; While you've been worrying your butt off over him, he's been hiding his possessiveness when you never asked him to. Part of you (a really big part) finds it cute, the other part acknowledges just how stupid that sounds. All this running around each other for nothing - weight lifted but reassurance surely still needed.

"I told you. Nothing." Once again he digs himself so deep into your stomach you're sure he's bound to create some sort of mark.

"No no, not nothing. Well-"

"See!" And you both giggle at the immediate retort.

The entire time you're above him you can't help but think about how odd this position is physically and metaphorically. You're "above" him and he doesn't mind, not the way that you thought he would anyway. And the truth is that Kento would much prefer you above him (in more ways than one) and whatever doubt you had that he would despise you - that he should despise you - after everything that you've taken from him vanishes; you mean so much more to him than official positions and rankings. He loves you, the way his eyes have gained back their sparkle just by being in your presence proves it.

"Should I get rid of him?" You're half joking but in your truest heart of hearts if he asked you would try your best to accommodate his worries.

"Don't do that to the kid…"

"So you're aware that he is just a kid-"

"As I've told you multiple times now, I know it was baseless emotions. Not that I could help it but I know- I should've talked to you sooner."

"Yes. Much sooner." You return to your place beside him on the couch clutching his hand in yours and resting your head on his shoulder.

"Forgive me?"

"Never." He looks at you a bit confused. "Spend every day - starting now - making it up to me Nanami Kento."

A grin so big you couldn't ever imagine it on his face unless it was happening right in front of you - as it was right now - appears. He straightens himself, adjusting pants and all - as if he wasn't already extremely attractive - and faces you. "You've got a deal Mrs. L/n." He holds out a hand and with a firm shake tackles you into the sofa. Suddenly, once more you feel at home in his home. You feel just right where you need to be with Mr. Nanami Kento… or just Ken.

A/N: Holy hell...I'm back babies. Srsly though what did you think of this fic?? Idk how to feel. It's like between a masterpiece and a piece of garbage idk....

Please Reblog and Comment if you enjoyed! (They act as power-ups for me)

"Shut up. You didn't even answer me, why am I a fork?" Shane parked himself beside Ilya, laying his head on the others shoulder as he gazed at their visage in the mirror. He would never say it aloud, hell he didn't know if he the words to describe how intimate and lovely moments like this felt - the ability to hold each other close and even to hear those horrible nicknames Ilya gave to him, it was all too precious and dangerous, like a chandelier or necklace or some other expensive breakable thing Shane couldn't think of right now.

"You are getting better. Yesterday you did not know word for вилка" (Fork)

"How could I forget when you yelled "vilka! vilka! vilka!" at me for over a minute last night. And you still aren't answering me." He stared at Ilya through the mirror. Ilya, who held a toothbrush in his hand like a pointer, using it to poke Shane's head off of his arm before putting toothpaste on it.

"I needed a вилка and you were not cooperating. Y'know sometimes I think you are bad listener?" Shane scoffed and shook his head, "And you are little fork because obviously you cannot be spoon, you are too spikey for that" Ilya stuck his hands out in a way to suggest spikes.

"And what is that supposed to mean?" With annoyance and questioning he turned towards Ilya.

"Just that you know~ Sometimes you can be not so, what is the word? Agreeable?"

Shane scoffed louder this time and made his shock known, "Fuck you!", he stormed out of the bathroom and back to the kitchen where, even through his anger, he continued perfecting the 2 cups of coffee for him and his lover.

"Wait! Get my phone from the room please!" Ilya yelled after him, a minute passed of no movement, "Hollander! My phone! Please!" - he waited a beat before he could hear the soft scuffling of Shane's Versace house slippers, Ilya had bought them for him after a minor argument about shoes in the house.

Shane got to the bedroom where his side of the bed was made and of course Ilya's was not, Shane's sheets were neatly in place and pillows were aligned with precision as always, where as Ilya's side of the blanket was in disarray and somehow a pillow was on the floor 5 feet away from the bed. He picked it up and straightened everything out before grabbing Ilya's phone from the wireless charger on the nightstand reserved for Rozanov.

ping

Almost immediately a notification came through from a name Shane didn't recognize. He didn't want to pry but... it was odd he thought,

"I'm in Ottawa for the week if you want some company in this boring town"

because why would someone named "Hannah" be texting something like that to Ilya.

Unfortunately, curiosity does come for Shane, our birthdays combined are literally his password, what is there to hide?, he thought; Shane hadn't allowed Ilya to make his wallpaper any of the cutesy couple photos that he desperately begged to take - so the compromise was a combined password and a wallpaper of the big boulder in the river at the cottage.

He didn't know what he had been expecting but it wasn't the years of messages dating back to 2012 that's for sure. Nor was it the explicit nature of the texts, the photos that hadn't been deleted, and the back and forth casual begging for sex in whatever city this Hannah person lived in - it was Boston but that detail was minor in the currently spiraling mind of Shane Hollander. Whoever Hannah was it seemed like she'd been a pretty consistent hook up - up until December 2016, another detail that manages to blur in Shane's mind as his emotions become so erratic that his only option is to become numb so the onslaught of thought doesn't make him do something horrible or say something horrible.

If Shane did notice those details he'd realize that the last time Ilya had texted Hannah was the week that his and Rose's relationship went public, he'd realize that there was a mere hour between Ilya's "Come over tonight" and her "Why the fuck would you invite me over if you were in a mood".

Maybe if Shane was of clearer mind he would've calmed down enough to realize that Hannah had tried this charade before, trying to entice Ilya to come see her one final time after his trade to Ottawa was announced and that Ilya thusly said "Never contact me again", a command she was obviously not following right now.

"Are you snooping for secret sex tape I filmed last night!", Shane's spiraling is interrupted as Ilya yells and he closes the message app before hastily trying to compose himself again.

"Sorry, what?" Shane yells back with less fervor than the previous back and forth. Suddenly, the pounding (or what sounded like pounding) of feet grew louder as Ilya headed to the bedroom. He squinted curiously as he found Shane standing as if Yuna & David had once again caught them.

Instinctively Ilya reached out for Shane, "Are you okay?", attempting to close the distance between them. Shane's face screwed up in contemplation for a second, "Hmm? Yeah, here's your phone.", Ilya couldn't get past the width of the bed before Shane threw his phone across it and towards him.

"Did I do something?", a chill spread through out Ilya's veins as Shane looked at him with painfully cold eyes. "You didn't do anything," Shane shook himself back to reality, passing by Ilya and creating the widest birth he could to do so - a subconscious choice to keep himself from blowing up.

He walked back to the kitchen where the coffee was getting colder by the second. He put a spoon in Ilya's cup without mixing in the creamer nor adding the sugar, a clear as day sign that he was pissed. Grabbing his own cup Shane sat at the dining table, which wouldn't be an issue except for the fact that breakfast was always had on the counter or in front of the TV in the living room.

Ilya followed dutifully, his eyebrows raising with the tension as Shane's behavior put him on edge. Forgetting the coffee he sits across from his lover at the table. "I did something. What did I do? I will fix-"

"You didn't do anything..." Shane's tone is so dull it should've been considered a blunt weapon. He took a sip of his coffee and stared down at the table.

Ilya tried to search for an answer in Shane's face, anything that could point to the not so apparent problem. After minutes of this Shane finally said something, "Look at your phone.", less than what Ilya was hoping for but more than nothing he supposed.

He took a glance at the screen and saw nothing but an ESPN notification, something from the bank, and a missed call from their agent, Farah. "What am I looking for?", he asked genuinely - as if some notification had been hidden and privy to Shane's eyes only. He kept flicking the screen up and down as if it would change anything before Shane snatched the phone from his hand - annoyed.

With a huff and a half Shane tapped away for a minute while Ilya sat anxiously awaiting whatever was coming to him. He wondered what had happened. Had he forgotten to delete a picture between the two of them? Did he find the folder where he hid cute photos Shane? Oh god...did he accidently leak something to the public? If he did, was Shane about to break up with him about it? He couldn't handle that, his mouth was suddenly dry, he couldn't feel his limbs, his vision started to blur as he rapidly blinked in anxious response to the fictitious situation-

"What's that?", the phone slid across the table and almost landed perfectly in Ilya's line of sight. It was messages - Ilya sighed with relief. "Oh so it's no big deal then. Great.", was what Shane concluded from that.

"No...no, I am just glad that it was not-"

"Not what?", Shane's words were sharp and he looked hurt. Ilya tried to reach for one of his hands but he reacted with something akin to a flinch. His eyes were like daggers but his lips were trembling as he croaked out the words.

"I thought we had been found out..." Ilya whispered just loud enough as he let himself sink to the back of the chair, dejected after Shane's rejection.

Shane didn't have any words, he was too tied up in his own emotions to even entertain another scary thought. "Look at your fucking phone."

With a gesture signifying, Okay, fine, Ilya took his phone into his hand and finally looked at what Shane had been up in arms about. He lightly chuckled as he swiped and Shane felt like he was about to throw up.

A part of him couldn't believe that Ilya was taking this so lightly, then again this was Ilya... but a deeper and darker part of him thought his heart might lurch out of his chest if he so much as dwindled on the thought that maybe...maybe Ilya is remembering how much fun it was. How great it was to have girls all over him. How sexy they were. And how now he only had Shane and surely that was not enough.

Ilya finally stopped swiping. Slid the phone midway across the table and shrugged, even smirked slightly. Oh.

It was Shane's time to search Ilya's face. He was trying to decipher whatever it was that Ilya's expression was telling him because right now it seemed a lot like I don't give a fuck energy and that terrified him. He gritted his teeth and could feel a prickle of moisture across his eyes, "What do you have to say for yourself?".

Ilya shrugged and chuckled once more, "I have nothing to say.", Ilya's lips turned downward and Shane wasn't sure how he was supposed to take it but his mind had said that it meant I don't care.

Shane couldn't do this.

"So! So what?! You want to go fuck her?", Shane pushed himself off of the table and stormed off in the direction of the living room. His mind was drawing the conclusions with the blurry puzzle pieces that expired years ago.

Ilya's face screwed up in confusion, "What?"

"Ottawa! She's in Ottawa for the week.", Shane turned around on his heels and let his head drop back dramatically before storming off again.

This time Ilya got the message and followed quickly behind. "What does that have to do with me?", Shane looked back stunned and then disgusted, "Fuck off, Rozanov.". He plopped himself down at the very edge of the couch. Shane's body was clenched and tight, like if he let any of his muscles relax he would collapse into a mess on the floor.

"I will not! I am confused!", Ilya shouted at a volume that made Shane jump a little. He put his hands on his hips and with a sigh slicked his curls back before similarly dropping down on the couch and burying his face in his hands, "I did not text her. I told her to fuck off. It has been years.", he stated everything that should've calmed Shane down but as he looked back up there was still a tenseness to the body that he had meticulously unwound last night. He felt defeated in his defense but forced himself to drag his body over to Shane's and kneel down in front of him. He put his head atop of Shane's knees, expecting to be pushed backwards and yelled at some more but instead he felt a subtle trembling.

Letting his eyes drift up Ilya saw Shane's head still turned and at just the right angle to see the veins that were bulging from his neck from strain. "Hey...", he reached up to remove Shane's hand from his mouth and felt the vibrations of muffled crying. Now he could clearly hear the soft whimpering of his man holding back sobs and he could feel the wetness of tears that Shane had let slip. "No. No no no, sweetheart, look at me.", the physical protest of Shane's body couldn't overcome the warmth of Ilya's arms as he climbed up on the couch and into Shane's lap.

Ilya held him tight against his chest as Shane once did for him in a hotel room years back. He took the others head in his hands forcing Shane to look at him. "I love you."

"Shut up.", the daggers in Shane's eyes turned into wandering targets - wanting for anything other than Ilya's gaze. His breathing staggered as his whimpers came less and less; he hated that Ilya had this effect on him, that mere touch could calm him so gently from the edge.

"I love you." again.

"Stop."

Again, "I love you. I love you. I love you...", every repeated sentence punctuated with a kiss to the jaw, or the nose, or wetting Ilya's lips with the remnants of salty tears on his lovers cheeks.

"Shut up. I know." As Ilya's lips curved into a smile with every peck left on Shane, Shane pushed away his loving advances and buried himself into Ilya's neck to further muffle his heavy breathing.

Ilya maneuvered them so that Shane was on his lap, "Okay, you know - I know. What is problem then?", Ilya patted the back of Shane's head as his other arm stayed holding on to Shane's waist tight.

Taking a deep breath, Shane sat up, "What if I can't do it for you?", there was a shimmer to his doe eyes that Ilya couldn't resist, so he held him a little tighter.

"Do what?"

"Forever. What if I can't compare to the girls and the guys that you've slept with before any more? What if you want more than this? More than me?", Ilya melted as Shane's eyes began to tear once again. He pressed his lips into a line and tsk-ed, "I do not know. I think will not happen."

"You don't know that..." Shane's head drooped.

"Mmm but I do though." he nearly snarled the words to show his conviction and used a thumb to wipe away the stray tears that spilt from Shane's eyes. "Remember, I do not like danger. It is not what I want for a long time now.", that earned a small huff and smirk from Shane as he remembered their first time at the cottage. "I much prefer...mmm, waking up next to my beautiful boyfriend and drinking his coffee and eating his horrible food.", a full smile finally broke on Shane's face and Ilya's heart swooned.

Didn't last more than a second before Shane began doubting once again, "Yeah, but it could happen one day...you'll miss all that...y'know?"

"Okay.", Ilya slid Shane off of him, sat tall, and took Shane's hands in his, "She is in Ottawa for the week, yes?"

Shane's eyes tried to wander, "Yeah..."

"No, look at me.", he took Shane's chin and forced him to look. "She only asks for me when convenient. When she wants to fuck. That is what they all did. I don't miss that.", Ilya nodded but Shane couldn't figure out what he was trying to say. "But me? I move all the way to Ottawa, most boring city in world, to be with Shane Hollander. I miss him more than anything when he has to go or...I have to go. When his stupid team makes it to playoffs and Centaurs don't.", the smile came back and so did the tears. "And honestly, I don't even remember her fucking name...and I'm not in love with her" Ilya chuckled and peppered kisses all over Shane's knuckles.

"You're stupid", Shane said and Ilya made noises that seemed to be in agreeance. "I love you too by the way."

"I know mой любимый" (My darling) Ilya took both his hands and fully wiped away Shane's tears, "Hold on, let me do this...", he jumped up and jogged off for a minute coming back - phone in hand. "Look."

Ilya snuggled into Shane and held his phone up to his view. "See I told her Never contact me again, she does not listen-"

"Like me? You said I'm a bad listener."

"No. Not like you. You got my phone and then...never mind. Nobody will ever be you or like you, Hollander.", still holding his phone - Ilya made a show of swiping up and making faces of disgust at the various messages, especially those in which it was apparent that him and Hannah had hooked up. Once that got schtick got bored he said, "I will fix it.", he swiftly blocked and then deleted the contact, kissing at Shane's temple once it was done.

"You have to leave tomorrow?"

"I have early flight to Houston tomorrow." they both sighed heavily, letting the emotions go with it. Ilya grabbed Shane's chin again, "And I will miss you very much from the moment I step out of door - because I love you."

A faint smile graces Shane's face, "So...spikey huh?"

Ilya smirked and draped his arm over Shane's shoulder - using the extended hand to push his boyfriends face into his and kiss him deeply, "mmm and I would not like it another way."

A/N: Jesus christ y'all. It felt so nice to write this after being away from fic-writing for so long. So much life has happened in between now and then. Got to flex my little bit of russian...applause please! But also, I started watching IWTV and the 4th season of Bridgerton during this and now my writing feels maybe too fanciful? Or is that a good thing?

"Just came to drop this off." David's face isn't hostile but confused because at first he thinks it's one of the Metro's coming to see their captain but as he gets a closer look it's definitely not one of the boys. But he knows that face. "Rozanov?" and his voice sounds shocked but his face is stern, that's what it looks like to Ilya at least.

"I'm sorry." It's the only thing that can escape Ilya's lips as he realizes his hand is still on Shane's face. He let's it drift away and balls his fists together in front of him. Standing at attention for no reason other than it feels like the right thing to do. He swallows hard and suddenly feels dizzy, his breathing staggered. He takes a few steps away from the hospital bed trying to regain composure but it isn't working.

This wasn't supposed to be happening. David Hollander isn't supposed to be here right now. Seeing them like this. This is everything Shane feared and Ilya feared for him.

"Ilya...", Shane's voice is so soft - Ilya looks up and now the rooms blurry because his eyes are tearing up. And he's desperately trying to wipe them away but it isn't working. He's stumbling because his feet don't know how to work all of a sudden.

He doesn't even realize that Shane's trying to reach for him, small groans of pain coming from him trying to move his uncooperating body.

A hand lands on Ilya's back and another on his chest, trying to keep him upright as the tears keep coming. "Take a breath son...", his head turns and it's just David Hollander holding him up. Whatever malice Ilya perceived has turned into worry. Why would he be worrying about me? And it's just about the last straw as Ilya collapses into him, a sobbing mess with this man hugging him tightly.

SLAP

Tears don't even come to the numb 15 year old.

"Are you stupid Ilya? A boy? They are saying you were looking at the other boys..."

"Pa, it's even worse than that. They said they saw him kissing a boy." Alexei's words weren't helping but Alexei knew that - he counted on it actually. The smirk as evident on his brothers face as their fathers palm print was on Ilya's cheek.

"So what? Now you are a faggot?" The booming voice of his father made the house feel like it was shaking. A stray tear that Ilya didn't consent to drop wets his lips - all he could do was focus on the taste of the salt, anything to distract from this. "Answer me!"

SLAP

This one felt harder and Ilya was sure it would leave a mark. He'd have to explain to his coach tomorrow how he took a fall and for some reason only his face is injured. Ilya looked at his fathers scornful eyes and licked the remaining saltwater off his lip, "No, father. I'm sorry."

"Don't look at me. How dare you look at me!", his father pushed his head down hard - making him look at the floor. His mothers necklace dangled freely like some sort of church light. Grigori kept his hand there and gripped Ilya's hair so tightly that a few strands must've snapped off. "If I ever find out you are doing such things again! Only the lord would be able to help you Ilya!", he brought his mouth to the boys ear and screamed, and all Ilya could do was keep his breath steady and his eyes on the golden cross. "How dare you disgrace me with a faggot son.", he spit on Ilya's shoes and let him go with another shove of his head downwards.

The bounding of his father's shoes going down the hall sounded like relief. The altercation didn't last nearly as long as Ilya thought it would but it still hurt like a bitch.

"How dare you...", Ilya looked up to see Alexei still smiling, possibly wider now but Ilya couldn't care to notice any difference between the same devil.

"You're a liar." he spoke just above a whisper.

"What?"

"You lied, Alexei." Ilya finally lifted his head and straightened himself, towering a few inches over his brother - even at this age. He wiped his nose expecting blood but their was none, surprisingly.

"And what? Pa will believe me, he already believes me.", Alexei had the audacity to stare up at Ilya as if he'd done no wrong, as if he didn't sentence his younger brother to eternal damnation at the hands of their father. "If I told your coach...he would believe me too-"

"Fuck you!", Ilya pushed him against the wall and for the first time saw his brothers eyes filled with fear. "I didn't kiss the boy!"

"But you wanted to.", through the terror - Alexei's smirk returned, ever provoking because that's the only strength the coward has. "That's why you took it! Why you didn't say 'Pa, I did no such thing!' Right? Right!", Alexei laughed in Ilya's face like the fucking Joker. "You're so fucking easy, Ilyusha Rozanov." He stared dead into Ilya's eyes.

Ilya's eyes were quicker to show fear than his brother's. His hands shook with anger as they held Alexei's collar but they did nothing other than shake. Ilya didn't know why he couldn't just deck him. Physically he could absolutely pummel Alexei into the worn down walls of this soviet apartment, but his body would not allow it. Maybe it was because he was his brother. Or maybe it's because he felt too exposed... Ilya did want to kiss that boy. And he would - in time.

Fuck this!, he was too exhausted to think straight, he pushed his brother into the wall and let him go.

Alexei wasn't supposed to see Ilya staring at the coaches son. Ilya wasn't supposed to be staring at the coaches son. There were many mistakes.

Ilya took a breath and walked down the hall towards his room. He passed by his parents bedroom or his fathers room. The door was wide open and his dad stood at the edge of the bed with the same unemotional face that he always wore. He'd heard everything and Ilya knew that. But neither of them did anything but stare at each other for a second.

That night he packed his things and spent the week at a friends house. No argument from either side because inevitably Ilya would be at practice - they knew where to find him if they wanted to.

David's holding him up and Ilya's looking into David's eyes but for a second it's his father and he's just 6 & his mother is alive, everyone's smiling as Ilya makes a goal. For a second, he's 15 again and he feels the sting of his fathers palm against his cheek. For a second, David Hollander looks like a lot like Ilya's dad in a casket 2 weeks ago...

"Fuck! I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.", Ilya's just repeating the words - not to anyone specific but maybe to himself, to his father, to Shane. At some point the english becomes russian and he isn't cognizant of the switch.

The back of a hand tries to wipe at Ilya's tears and he flinches expecting a punch. It doesn't come. Instead it's strong hands - like his fathers, but their tender and their touch is sincere - like Shane's.

"It's okay, Rozanov. Calm down, bud.", David is trying his best to soothe the rapid breathing with words, wipe the tears away, and keep this boy upright. Ilya's eyes are so red that David worries about how puffy they'll be tomorrow morning. "You did nothing to apologize for son."

The words don't register fast enough but eventually Ilya hears them. He looks up, his face sodden, and he holds the lump in his throat long enough to process David's actions. Their both on this cold hospital floor holding each other and it would be laughable if the situation didn't seem so dire. Ilya's throat is on fire from choking on his own sobs, a smoke would help oddly enough but he can't do that here.

"Sit, sit." David quickly ushers Ilya to Shane's bed while he takes one of the guest seats. For a moment his eyes dart between Ilya and his son before deciding that they probably need a little bit of privacy, "I'll uhh get you some water...", he walks out to the hall.

Tears are still trickling but they've slowed. Ilya catches his breath and closes his eyes. A hand reaches over and intertwines itself in his. He lifts his head and sees sad eyes that threaten to join him in the crying festivities. Ilya's bottom lip juts out in a pout and he cups Shane's cheek again. "Why are you crying?", he's trying to joke but it comes out choked.

"Ilya...", there's that soft voice again - the one that beckons to him in nightmares and dreams to stay but this time it's actually happening.

"I'm okay.", he smiles, trying to reassure Shane but it doesn't work. Shane just nods his head and tears begin to slip from both of them. "I'm okay.", Ilya says as he scooches closer to Hollander - Shane holds him as tight as he can with his good arm. The back of the hospital gown opens as Shane sits up and Ilya takes the chance to slip his hand inside and touch him skin to skin. It feels so good to just touch him right now but he knows if Shane wasn't doped up this wouldn't be happening - the word bittersweet doesn't come to mind because he doesn't know it yet.

They're both so pained by the situation and circumstance. How good would it feel to envelop one another in a kiss so sacred that it could only be held within the walls of hotel rooms and their homes right now? To completely ravage another person fully. To sink into each other like they have so many times? But it's the hospital. And even in Shane's drugged out state he knows not to risk it. So they just hold each other and Ilya lets his hand trace Shane's spine.

The door opens and this time they don't let go of each other. "Got the water.", David puts it on the side table beside the hugging couple and sits down again.

After a minute, Ilya lets go and grabs the bottle - chugging it down because he's been drained of all the water in his body. "Thank you..."

"It's no problem.", David smiles at him with the eyes of a concerned father - not an angry one. He's leaning back in the chair, waiting for something but he doesn't exactly know what. He just saw his boy hugging someone who seems very important to him and that's all that really matters. Yuna would flip into questioning within a minute of seeing this but David just waits.

For a moment, no one's saying anything but Shane keeps trying to reach for Ilya's hand again - Ilya's trying hard not to notice, some subconscious thing he's still afraid of because the presence of another person. As if Shane's dad wouldn't also notice; even if he doesn't voice his observations, David Hollander is quite observant.

"I'm sorry for uhh coming in and interrupting you two.", finally he breaks the silence. He eyes the two boys; Ilya looks like he's being scolded but that isn't David's intention, Shane is only looking at Ilya. "And, look.", he has a feeling that he has to verbally voice this or it won't really reach Rozanov. "I'm not- I don't really...", David doesn't really know how to say what he's supposed to say and it's probably making the nerves worse but he pushes through.

"I just want you two to be really happy."

Ilya let's Shane's hand find his and his eyes soften towards David. He's trying really hard not to cry again and the only thing keeping him tethered to the world is Shane's thumb tracing circles on the back of his hand.

"Y'know Rozanov-"

"Ilya."

"Sorry. Ilya..."

The past 15 minutes have been the most emotionally dense moments of Ilya's life. Here he was crying in front of David Hollander. Shane Hollander's dad. Shane Hollander who Ilya is pretty sure he's massively in love with - so in love that it pains him to even think of a future where they could be together. So in love that a world with Shane means giving up his home; and maybe he's okay with that. And now, Shane's dad was telling him something. Something that seems impossible.

"...I've watched the both of you forever. I've seen you at each other's throats.", David was really bad at doing these sorts of talks, "But I also saw you at the All Star game. And...there was chemistry, no doubt about that.", he took a big breath trying to collect whatever idea he was really trying to convey with this. "You've both known each other since you were really young. And I think I've always known as a dad that maybe y'know... my kid has certain preferences." God, he's really screwing this up, he really wishes Yuna was here but also maybe it's better that she's not.

Ilya's trying to grasp as what David's saying. Something about him thinking Shane is maybe gay for sure which makes him smile a little but there's still that something.

"Okay. What I'm trying to say is- I think you guys should be more careful but I never want you to think that I am in any way telling you not to be together. I mean it's pretty clear to me that you two have something going on...", Ilya sighs the biggest breath of relief. David Hollander isn't Grigori Rozanov, his mind is clear enough to notice that now. "...and you care about each other very much, I'm sure. And hey! I'm okay with it, y'know? I've never not been okay with it. Just be careful because there are a few people who may not be so okay with it. Not- Not like you're mom or anything! God, no! She'd be shocked but-", David prattles on but all Ilya is hearing is acceptance. He's smiling really widely, picking up only about half the words that the other man is saying. All of it has the same meaning though. You can just be together. It's okay.

And Ilya could cry again but he's really trying not to-

"Thank you.", he takes Shane's good hand and holds onto it tightly, looking at David like he wants to say a million things but only has the english to say one.

"Of course.", David smiles and looks at the both of them, just happy that his son looks happy..., well not so happy right now. It's just then that he remembers exactly how drugged up Shane is. "Oh shit."

"What?", Ilya looks confused.

"Ahh just.", David gestures to Shane who has been zoned out looking at Ilya's hand in his and smiling the dumbest smile with tears still in his eyes ever since before his dad's speech. "He's gonna really regret this once he's sober."

Ilya just smiles at Shane's loopy-ness. "You think?"

"As his dad, I know."

"Ahh...", Ilya can only acknowledge with a noise and the nod of his head. He knows it too. That Shane will come out of this and either be furious or embarrassed or probably mixture of both. It'd be a hard conversation - but one he's willing to have. He wipes at the spilt tears of his boyfriend? and kisses his knuckles as David gets up.

David starts taking the food he brought out of the bag and absentmindedly handing it to Ilya. Some macrobiotic meal that Shane surely asked for but Ilya takes note of the Ginger Ale & the small bag of oven-baked chips that he's brought as well.

"He uhh won't eat these unless he's really in a mood or in a state like this.", David sees Ilya eyeing the choice of snack. "He'll regret it when he comes to but you'll have to remind him that he's recovering and deserves a treat after getting concussed."

"Why are you telling me this?", Ilya's amused by the explanation but doesn't understand why it's being given.

David looks at Ilya who's already started setting up the food on rolling table, then looks at Shane who's good hand keeps trying to touch any free skin Ilya is showing. "I just thought you should know."

Jun He's a tad awkward in his tastes I imagine, so I feel like the outer corner of your eye is his cup of tea. He doesn't really have an explanation himself but maybe it's because everytime he kisses you there you immediately focus your attention on him. Whether that's in confusion or shock he doesn't care as long as you're looking at him. I feel like he's a firm believer that the eyes are the windows to the soul so being able to hold your gaze is like looking at heaven, that is to say, he thinks you are heaven.

Hoshi This dude is pretty straightforward with affection so your lips are always gonna do it for him. He's always looking for a moment to trap you in a kiss no matter the situation. You could be talking about the most important thing in the world and this man is looking for an opening before bombarding you with his lips and then nonchalantly going back into the conversation. He doesn't see any issue with it, in fact, he thinks it's the most proper way to show you his love.

Wonwoo Forehead all day! He doesn't show affection all that often but when he does it's discreetly and quickly leaving chaste kisses on your forehead before bed, when you're focusing on work, or pretty much whenever you aren't paying attention. You learn after a bit that acknowledging his affection makes him more shy about it so you've gotten in the habit of giving little to no reaction. (The hardest thing in the world because he's the cutest tbh)

Woozi He's going for the corner of your lips. He isn't forward enough to give you a full kiss all the time nor does he really feel the need for that most of the time. He isn't one to show affection much either but it doesn't mean he shies away from it, it's just not something he thinks about doing often since he knows that you know that he loves you completely and fully. It may seem half-hearted to some but to him, a kiss on the corner of your lips means "I'm here and I love you".

Minghao Hao prefers hugs to kisses in my opinion. But when he does kiss you it is often on your shoulders. Whenever he's got you entangled in his arms he's leaving tender kisses along your shoulders, TRUST. In line and he's back hugging you? Kisses. A hug once he's gotten back from tour? Kisses. Cuddled up in bed and completely tangled in each other? Kisses. It's the only place he's willing to leave multiple kisses without feeling like it's too much PDA.

DK This man. I don't know how to tell you this. Literally everywhere and anywhere. As long as it's you he's willing to kiss even the soles of your feet (not in a weird way he swears). I could go on and on about the way he would kiss your eyelids, your stomach, the inside of your wrist, all in the name of loving you completely and wholly with his entire being. Not afraid of affection in the slightest, he's always clinging to you. Swears up and down that with every kiss he falls more in love.

Mingyu Tippy top of your head. Listen listen listen...as much as I would love to subvert expectations with Mingyu I simply cannot imagine a more perfect scene than this man kissing your head. He does it without even realizing honestly. Feels the most natural to leave a gentle kiss there. Why can I so clearly imagine him sniffing your hair too? Not in a weird way but in the way that people like to smell babies' heads...okay maybe that's weird BUT it's very endearing coming from him. He just likes your scent so much. (Also, if you're short enough, he'll probably rest his head on top of yours)

Seungkwan Dudes a romantic and he's going for the jawline. It catches you off guard and it's sensual enough to mean something but not sensual enough to mean something if you know what I'm saying. He doesn't shy away from affection either so I feel like he's happy kissing you wherever but along your jawline always seems to get a small reaction out of you so it's his favorite for that reason. The blush that warms your cheeks warms his heart.

Vernon Your lap/ thighs. I was originally gonna put this down for Jeonghan since he's a napper but I feel like when Vernon gets comfortable with you he's the type to lay in your lap often. He doesn't even think about the kiss as anything other than innocent and loving. You're just right there and he feels an urge to kiss you so he does. Plus, when he does this you often pat or stroke his hair as recognition and he completely melts into your touch.

Dino He's a back hugger and for that reason, I think he would fall into the habit of leaving kisses on the back of your neck. I wouldn't say it's his favorite since this dude is head over heels for your lips as well but it's where he's leaving the most kisses for sure. Holding you by the waist and swaying you gently side to side, head laying on one of your shoulders, he leaves feathery kisses that you almost can't feel if it weren't for the fact that he smiles and chuckles as he does so.

NOT PROOFREAD

{If you're interested in being on the Taglist for my Seventeen works please let me know!! And my requests are open!}

He's awkward when you bring it up because he doesn't know if you feel that way about the future of your relationship but once he knows you do feel the same way WHEW you do not hear the end of it.

Suddenly, all the reservations he makes are preceded by "Well, me and my wife...", anytime you're brought up in a conversation dude glitches out and HAS to mention you as his wife at least once (especially if it's to someone he thinks might be interested in you), and the yearning only gets worse! He'll leave for tour and after he texts his customary airplane goodbye message to you your phone will be blowing up with texts from the boys complaining about having to hear their leader practically sobbing about how much he misses his wife.

Jeonghan Steals your stuff

Has big "What's yours is mine" mentality, but don't worry! What's his is yours too! He swears it! Despite the drastic difference in how much he's using, borrowing, or straight up taking your stuff...

Let's be clear though, he never takes things he thinks you'll miss and if he finishes something of yours he always makes sure to replace it pronto. If you do get upset he makes a mental note to not mess with that particular item ever again.

Have you noticed a suspicious amount of your clothing (mainly hoodies, hats, and bags) go missing and suddenly see your boyfriend wearing them during a live? Yes. Has there been multiple arguments about this behavior? For sure! Does it absolutely warm your heart when you're at a concert and see a staff member run on stage to hand Hannie his current comfort item (a childhood toy of yours that you didn't even know was missing from your room)? Absolutely, it does. (Apologizes profusely once you find out...doesn't mean a single word of it and you know it because he's giggling the whole time)

Joshua Buys 2 of everything

Since the dawn of your relationship, Shua has gotten 2 of every item he buys. His initial reason was to get to know one another better by trying out things the other liked. This then spiraled to him doubling every single grocery item, clothes he buys, and pretty much anything he orders. Could be an insanely valuable item worth thousands that he's getting paid to promote but if there isn't a matching one for you then it's off the table. And no, he doesn't necessarily want to be "matching" all the time but he likes knowing that you guys could match whenever you wanted to.

He also gets extremely offended if you question why there's so much of everything, seriously he doesn't even want to hear it, like "Because it's ours! And we share! So we need double! Do you hate me or something!?"

"Babe, why do we have so much shampoo..." "I'm promoting it." "There's 2 of every type in here." "Yep." "We don't ne-" "We do need it." "It's too much." "I don't understand what you're saying to me right now."

A/N: The brainrot I have for these men is so real rnnnnn. I just had to separate these by years bc it was getting too long :( I'll have 96s up by today too, so stay tuned for that 96 line OUT NOW!! (Have to do it for my babe Nonu) Reblogs and Comments are much-appreciated lovelies!!