#joyoverflowing

Hope.  

Something that satan tried to rob me of over the past year; Hope. 

The word that is so small but carries so much weight, especially after tragedy. 

Something we all need in life to continue to move forward but, for some, something so hard to find; and, sometimes, even harder to hang on to.

A little over 7 months later, and I feel like the events of the year has been a dream; an awful but beautiful dream. One which is as much apart of me as the stretch marks lining my stomach. 

Sometimes I still feel the empty void in my heart, of what should have been my daughter, which is when grief starts to sear; red and hot.  

Other times, thankfully more often than not, all I feel is love, comfort, and hope. Lots of hope. Even in the times when the waves of grief start to overcome once again, I know my heart is in the best hands. 

How great is our Father in heaven who takes such tender care of our broken hearts. I am grateful for his gentle leading, patience, acceptance and love as we still experience the waves of pain from the storm which has just passed.  

Getting our diagnosis for Lera in January was the first spark, the first light, in what seemed like the endless tunnel of continuous bad news and tragedy for our family. Having that firm diagnosis and knowing that it would be very unlikely to repeat itself felt like a physical weight was lifted off of my shoulders, and I was given peace. 

I knew without a shadow of a doubt that everything was going to be OK.  This is when the first pieces of my shattered heart were beginning to be fused together, and hope began to shine much brighter than fear.  Jesus knew I needed that physical proof that our storm had passed before I could begin to see the silver lining - and He gave it to me.

From that point on, Jesus continued to pour more hope into my heart. Each broken piece he put back together, he sealed with more of his promises;

Psalm 113:9 “He gives the childless woman a family, making her a happy mother” Isaiah 43:19 “For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.” Isaiah 61:7 (MSG) “ Because you got a double dose of trouble and more than your share of contempt, your inheritance in the land will be doubled and your joy go on forever.” Hebrews 6:15 “And so it was that he having waited long and endured patiently realized and obtained what God had promised” Hosea 2:14-15 “But then I will win her back once again. I will lead her into the desert  and speak tenderly to her there.  I will return her vineyards to her and transform the Valley of Trouble into a gateway of hope.” Psalm 34:18 “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted. He rescues those whose spirit's are crushed.” 1 Peter 1:6 “So be truly glad, there is wonderful joy ahead even though you have to endure many trials for a little while.” Psalm 103:4-5 NLT “He redeems me from death and crowns me with love and tender mercies. He fills my life with good things. My youth is renewed like the eagle’s!”

I can now say with confidence that good is coming. I don’t know when it will happen, whether it will be all at once, or slowly.  I don’t know what it will look like, or how it will start, but I do know what I will do.  

I will continue to pray and put my trust in the only one who knows my heart better than I know it myself.  The one who created me and my precious girl, the one currently dancing with her in heaven. I am standing upon the rock, and His word knowing that the Father will redeem my family.

So this is what I’m believing for our very near future:

A baby!

This may seem obvious. We got pregnant the first time because we wanted to expand our family. This desire has remained unchanged.

Now does this mean that we are looking for a “replacement baby” for the one we lost? Absolutely not.  I would never want to replace Lera.  I would want her healthy and whole so my husband and I would have the chance to be the parents we always dreamed we could be. However, that isn’t the reality I’m living in.  The reality is that she couldn’t stay with us but, I believe that because of her and the journey we endured with her that, we are better people (and better parents) for it.

For this I look forward to parenting Lera’s siblings, and the journey they will take us on.

I’m believing for more healthy children in (hopefully) our very near future, who were carried through very uncomplicated, low-risk, healthy pregnancies. Not just because I want it so badly, but because I believe, wholeheartedly, that this is what the Lord desires for us.

Abundance and joy overflowing.

Isaiah 61:7 (MSG) “Because you got a double dose of trouble and more than your share of contempt, your inheritance in the land will be doubled and your joy go on forever.”

Now I know I put this verse up earlier, and no, I’m not trying to beat a dead horse.  This is just what I believe.

We got a double dose of trouble. Our whole world, hopes, dreams, and plans for the future, literally turned into dust before our eyes.  Ministry goals, family aspirations, all shattered during the year leading up to and after Lera’s life and death.

Literally, everything is different.  Well, almost everything.

The one thing that is the same is the place we live.  We built this massive house for youth ministry, other church events, and a growing family.  

Since we are no longer in youth ministry, or even go to church in Spruce Grove anymore, the house seems, well, empty.  It became suddenly much bigger, and much colder than it ever had been before. Truthfully, between work, church and friends, we don’t even spend much time here.

So we’re taking a leap of faith, we’re going to move. 

We are going to downsize and, Lord willing, rent a much smaller apartment in the city. Many of these details are up in the air, but one thing is concrete, we need to move.

I believe this move will bring us into abundance and joy overflowing.  I think it’s the wisest option, and will give us time to save, rebuild, and figure out what our future has in store.  

All of that being said, is this at all easy for me? No, in fact, its super hard.  

We put all of our hopes and dreams into this home that we built. We truly felt called by the Lord to place a foundation in Spruce Grove, and to use this house for ministry. For a little while we did and, as the house filled, so did our hearts.  

We love our city.  We love Spruce Grove. We love the people here. We love the neighbourhoods. So, for us to leave, it is heartbreaking. 

The reality is, however, we aren’t doing anything of those things in Spruce anymore.  We’re not in ministry here, or have jobs here, so as much as we love it in Spruce Grove, we really do, we feel it’s time to move forward.

So, just as God called us here, I feel that He is asking us to leave.  For how long, i’m not sure.  We might come back, but for now we are trusting in His leading that this is the right thing for us to do.  

What I’m most grateful for, is that we serve a God that always, keeps his promises, and one who always provides more than enough. This is why I’m believing for the above. My hope, joy and peace rests in one person, Jesus. This is why I’m excited, and where my hope comes from.