#joyjoy

Every single person grieves, and mourns in different ways. We all have our own perspectives first off, but we all have different memories. I believe that memories can be overlapped and shared even if the way they’re remembered by each person differs.

We all knew the same amazing soul. She was a bright, warm, and sparkling being. We all remember her as that in our own ways. She touched every person she met. Aligned, shared eye contact, and looked at you in a way that let you know in an instant, that she is here for you and she is listening to you.

For this simple reason, I can only wonder in awe, at why this happened. No one truly understands. But isn’t that the point? Isn’t that why, in itself? If we don’t understand, isn’t it likely she didn’t fully understand either ?

Or did she understand too carefully, and so well, that only she knows. And even then, that doesn’t mean it was her only choice. It doesn’t mean it’s okay. But I can guarantee, deep down, it’s what she believed she needed. And that is enough for me.

She’s been sending each of us old photos, making sure we read certain books, or asking us to carry out certain things without realizing what she was doing.

She loved. She gave love, shared love, spoke love, wanted love. She was love. She is love. She was the true essence of her name. She made you laugh til your stomach hurt. She made you feel silly, but real. She made you see yourself and analyze what you want and what was best for you. She knew how to ignite a feeling inside that burnt brighter than any fire. Because this is who she was. She saw it in herself to share love, be silly, be connected, and spread light.

Maybe she didn’t know how to see this in herself. Maybe the love everyone showed her in return didn’t meet her needs, although she saw and felt it. Maybe she is an old soul and felt a calling or a duty she felt no one else could understand. She was mysterious, she had depth, she was beautiful, and she knew people. She knew them inside and out. She understood beyond what we thought.

I don’t know all of her pain or her suffering, but I am sure it was enough. Every person who is lost and in the dark, seems to spread the most light and care the most for others. She was one of the very best, ever. Most talented, most beautiful, most intelligent, most thoughtful, most natural, most inspirational, most enthusiastic, most smiley and loving people you could ever know.

She would talk to strangers wherever we’d go, and act as though they knew each other and make them smile or laugh with just a sentence or hello. I’d always ask, “Oh, who’s that?” to receive the same answer “I have no idea,” with a giggle of awe in herself and in the connection with others she knew she could not avoid.

Lexi, her female fluffy friend, gave her sooo much attention and love. We all thought it was so crazy and funny how much that dog seemed obsessed with Joy. Even she laughed every time she caught the pup staring up at her in amazement. Looking back, now I know that dog could sense every emotion and thought in Joy’s heart and soul. Lexi could feel what Joy was going through.

I think we all felt something. For a long time now. But no one ever knows what to call that, or what to even do about it….how to go about it… or what it could mean. Until it’s too late. And then we have regrets or guilt or emotions and feelings we don’t understand. Followed by an emptiness that feels like an endless pit. It’s grief. That is grief and love.

Here is a message that a friend of Joy and mine sent me. He is a tattoo artist that did one of my tattoos last year, and Joy came with me. The tattoo took 10 minutes, yet we were there for 5 hours. Joy and Albert just vibrated. They had so many things to share with one another and speak of and it all just kept flowing. I felt mesmerized and special just to be present in that moment in time.

I felt inclined to tell him of her passing. I remember her freaking out when we left at how she felt they had met in another lifetime, and he had messaged her the same.

He was very sweet in trying to be supportive with words of love and sending reminders of ways to process grief...including this quoted message by an unknown source.

        “People keep asking me how I’m doing, and I’m not always sure how to answer that. It depends on the day. It depends on the minute. Right this moment, I’m OK. Yesterday, not so good. Tomorrow, we’ll see.

         Here is what I have learned about Grief, though.

         I have learned that Grief is a force of energy that cannot be controlled or predicted. It comes and goes on its own schedule. Grief does not obey your plans, or your wishes. Grief will do whatever it wants to you, whenever it wants to. In that regard, Grief has a lot in common with Love.

        The only way that I can “handle” Grief, then, is the same way that I can “handle” Love —- by not “handling” it. By bowing down before its power, in complete humility.

        When Grief comes to visit me, it’s like being visited by a tsunami. I am given just enough warning to say, “Oh my god, this is happening RIGHT NOW,” and then I drop to the floor on my knees and let it rock me. How do you survive the tsunami of Grief? By being willing to experience it, without resistance.”

I have my own personal beliefs of why things happen the way they do. As I am a true believer that everything happens for a reason, everything is connected and our choices decide what happens next.

Under no circumstance do I believe in a shadow of a doubt, that this was a loss out of hatred. She may have wanted more for herself or for her life, but she did not hate who she was. I believe in many aspects she could not see herself, or know her worth, but she did not hate who she was. I believe whole heartedly that she felt there was a higher plan that she was trying to follow. She was trying to listen to her intuition, and trying to understand the deeper meaning of her own truth, and of those around her. She wanted to find her purpose and do that. I think she believed her purpose was to share light and spread love to everyone. She always lived this way, always. She told me and some others near the end that she was tired. She needed rest and she needed us to carry out these plans. She needed all of us to come together and spread her light.

I do not know if this is truly why she left us. I don’t know why she could see all the love surrounding her and not believe it was enough to stay here with us. I don’t understand. None of us do. I’m sure she’s laughing at me for trying to understand every day. Trying to piece things together. She doesn’t want that, does she?

She just wants love. She wants us to pay attention to each other. She wants us to truly listen to each other, be there for each other. Not waste time not contacting one another. She wants us to live for each other. Go out and live!

She lived a remarkable life. She got to meet so many people, and travel so many places, and try so many new things. Not because of how she grew up, but because of what she put out into the universe. She called those strangers to her by just being herself . She calls her loved ones close by just being herself. She made everyone she met feel special…because she was so incredibly special that she could share all of herself with others.

She sparked joy in each and every soul she passed.

Joy is a true goddess. She glowed. She was a little fairy sprinkling her little magic over everyone, trying to direct them towards the better. She was silly and fun, beautiful and unique. Everyone wanted to be her, be friends with her, love her, or just be near her effortless and amazing energy.

She’ll never truly be gone. Her presence is far too great to ever leave any of us. We see her in everything. The beauty and the innocence of this earth. She grew tired of this dimension, and she had that “old soul” quality to her, that if you breathe in and let her go… it can almost make sense why she’s left us.

I mean it never will, but we can try.

It is up to us to carry her with us forever. It’s what she would want. For us to all sparkle and shine in our best ways. Love and laugh together and share life with anyone who crosses our paths. She has a lot to still offer all of us in this lifetime. There is so much she wants each of us to go and see or do.

She’ll never be gone.

She’s our butterfly. She’s always flying around, or resting nearby.

She’s our angel watching over us. Whispering to us through our highs and lows.

She left us her legacy to spark joy in every life we can and share all the love and happiness we have to offer.

What is the world without Joy? It’s empty and sad. That’s why we must carry you with us…..

Joy fills our hearts and ignites our souls, so we may see a path of glitter and gold.

It’s one we cannot walk without one another, for we won’t know love, unless we’re together.