#journeyofabeliever

I can remember pretty clearly the first time I knew deep down in my heart that I wanted to let Jesus back into my life. It was at a moment in my life where for once, in a very long time, if not the first ever time, I felt victorious. In this moment, I purposefully took the opportunity to stop and pause, like a jogger does when they know they have been running for a while and they need to stop to catch their breath. When I reflect on this time, all I can remember was how busy I was. I always had something to do and something upcoming to do. I was so determine to keep being busy, whether that was with work or uni or attempting to grow my very own business. I was running and I stopped.

From previous experiences of going to church, they haven’t been very good ones. Very quickly, I came to learn that there is a certain feeling you get when you go to a church. There’s the “ugh, idk” feeling and the “OMG” (pun unintended) feeling. For most of my life, growing up with a religious upbringing, I had the first one, but when I went back to church I had the second one. Now, I’m not taking about the same church I had been going to since I was young. If I’m honest, I have been to quite a few. I was never planted in one church, as I never went regularly, and when I did, I never felt I belonged or could stay awake.

When I decided that I wanted to let Jesus back into my life, I didn’t go skipping to church that up and coming Sunday. If anything, I was still hurt and reluctant to go back. I wanted to take baby steps. However, God had a different plan for that.

I planned on going back to my local church, once in a while, when I felt that I really needed it. A few months had passed from my initial decision and I had met a lovely woman of God and no, I didn’t meet her at church, surprisingly, I had met her at work, in a shoe store! After our numerous and relatively short discussions about my weary discussion to come back to faith, she had offered to me, very enthusiastically, to attend the church she went to. I’ll be honest, I didn’t feel like I was ready. I was still carrying quite a heavy load from my past and a very heavy hurt towards God, and not to mention, going to a place with a whole bunch of new people with a certain knowledge of God, intimidated me.  It wasn’t until I had a chat with my mum about it that she convinced (slightly guilted) me to go.

One of the weights that I was carrying was to feel included. At this point in my life, I was living independently, I had removed numerous people from my life, not for doing anything wrong to me, but because I felt out of place. I knew I had things to work through within me and I knew that I was the only one to do that, so I closed the door to anyone who wasn’t present in my life. If I didn’t see you on the daily or you didn’t communicate with me, I made no effort. I created a wall and it wasn’t coming down anytime soon. So I thought. When I went to this church, I remember my heart sitting in my throat and smiling to my friend whenever she asked me if I was okay. I was nervous, like it was my first day at a new school. However, I can honestly say, that those nerves went away very quickly! This night was not a regular service, it was just a low key event. I was introduced to so many friendly people but there were two girls who really stuck out to me, not because they fed me, I mean when someone gives you food it is super sweet and automatically 10 points in my book, but what really stood out for me was how inclusive they were. They had only just met me and were talking to me as if they had known me for ages! A place where there is people who are not only hospitable but are genuinely kind, is the kind of place where I want to be!