i am truly so sad. This semester has went nothing like planned. dropped a class, trig is almost a certain fail/ for the 2nd time now (already retaking trig because it didn't end well last semester. ). Just a total overall bummer. Lost my great granddad who raised me here not even three weeks ago, right as finals were coming up. Still can’t get my head around that. emotions are raw and occasionally manic.
I HAVE to make changes. I cannot keep up attempting a 30+ hour work week, 15 credits a semester, endless hours studying all on an hour plus commute/per way anywhere i go.
I have to move to the city so i am surrounded by everything. Or, maybe even better yet, i have to move back east ? having family and close friends around really has shown to make a difference. The people I have back east have been through it all with me and know how much I want what i want.
I want to finish this undergrad strong. I want to get accepted into a good osteopathic med school/ program. I want to let med school take me over and help continue the mold what is me. i want to fight for my place to help others. I want to be a hard working osteopathic physician who began as an e.r. doc. I want this. I WANT THIS. I WANT THIS. I AM THIS>
So changes have to be made. sacrifices, all of the above. I have to get this last bit done, and done well. I have a huge dream and the clock is ticking.
always ticking.
I also miss family. little things, like random lunch dates with siblings or hanging out with my last blood grandparent. I want to be able to help my sisters with caring for our dad, who is a 10+ year opiate addict. I want to help them when they feel broken. I want to be more supportive of my baby brother. He is an honestly an amazing baseball player and has been all his life. I couldnt give a shit less about baseball, but i wanna be around so i can go and support him. I miss being around to encourage my mom, she has been doing so good and i am so proud of her growth.
I miss all the “taken for granted” help I have back there in my Appalachian home. Just having caring people around, who think of you when an opportunity opens, is just something you don’t recognize until you go without.
I miss my grandpa every single day at this point. I think of calling him to shoot the shit and deep down know I should stop thinking of those things. but i can’t. He is who got me through times like this. He was so wise and level headed, and cared so much. I miss him more than ive ever missed anyone ive lost. i can’t think of how much i miss him without tears rolling down my face. every single time.
honestly, to sum up the above. I am lost right now. I wanna run away, but also, i don’t. I wanna scream my brains out, yet i wanna make no sound at all. I am usually a pretty tough, bitch faced fucker. Prolly always will be somewhat bitch faced, but at the present, i am a shattered, broken child on the inside. lost, somewhat hopeless, and confused.
