#journal5

soooo i got hospitalized for trying to die on everyone. the psych ward was pretty nice even though it was boring as fuck. literally all there was to do was watch TV or draw, so yeah. I did learn that i hate commercials with a passion and the BK commercial was sung flat on PURPOSE because they're trying to be more #relatable. Makes me not wanna get BK. Forgot how fucking horrible cable TV was. Glad I don't have it. It's like 55% commercials 45% shows. A real cesspool of garbage if you ask me.

This ward would have you ask for anything though, but I figured out the purpose is to get you used to asking for help. Yeah, it takes away autonomy because you had to ask for towels and for them to unlock the shower, ask for snacks, ask for personal hygiene items, etc, but at the very least it helped me get used to asking for things instead of just silently suffering. The staff was really nice to me and I made a couple friends.

Charlie, I know you don't use tumblr, but you're a wonderful human being and I hope you stick to your discharge plan because you deserve to be happy. You were the brightest light I saw in the ward, and people love you because you're just so easy and fun to be around. Naynay I hope your mom doesn't make your schizophrenia worse. You were fun to talk to about anime and cats. I wish you the best, and hope you can live your bisexual life to the fullest. Beth, you have a beautiful family and I hope you're feeling well enough to get through school despite the language barrier. You're brilliant. You got this. Josh, I'm sorry I called you buddy and I hope you start trusting the staff enough to take your meds. Evelynn, I hope you also start taking your meds. You were very kind to me and deserve to not be plagued by shit. I hope you're able to start trusting people again soon. It's not easy, but you're a strong, confident woman who can do anything you set your mind to.

But enough mushy stuff.

I found out just how badly I was being treated by my family. I didn't quite realize it until my beloved Jaspie also had to deal with them. They treated him very poorly, but also were incredibly tone deaf about the entire situation. My parents, who are divorced, couldn't bury the hatchet to support me. They were competing with each other the entire time, and were very performative. I'm still coming to terms with the trauma inflicted and just how much it affects me today. I'm 27 and still dealing with it. I have trouble asking for help, feeling my emotions, and trusting others to have my best interests in mind. I. Am. Traumatized. I have trauma. It's ok. I'm allowed to have these issues. I have panic attacks. I didn't even realize that's what was going on until I was hospitalized and had the safety of the ward. I didn't have tools needed to deal with those, tools to identify my emotions, or tools to deal with my trauma. While I'm still a work in progress, I'm going to be ok I think. I got medication that works and tools to help my mental health.

It's ok to admit yourself to a psych ward. If you do, you'll be able to check the ward before you go and make sure it's a good, reputable place to go. Pass the burrito test n' stuff. Plus, the staff will give you a bit more freedom with stuff cuz, at least, you were cognizant enough to recognize that you needed help.

The staff set up appointments with my psychiatrist and therapist for me. All I have to do is get online and click on the email to go to my appointment. It was really helpful that I didn't have to worry about that.

Speaking of things I didn't have to worry about, Jaspie, if you're reading this far down, I can't thank you enough for everything you've done for me this past week. You helped me realize that it's not my fault that I'm like this. It was definitely my parents that fucked me up. You had to deal with them for a short while, but you immediately could tell that they weren't good for me. I was a child and got beaten for it. I was a child and got screamed at for it. I was a child and was abused and all this stuff finally came boiling over. I'm sorry that this was something that I had to go through. You were an unstoppable force of love throughout my week there. An indomitable, shining light that phased through space, time and reality just to support and love me unconditionally. I'll love you forever and always.

Chase, thank you for being here for me when I got out. We're going to make luhzaga tonight. You helped me get my computer back to a working order through a friend, and support me when my dad had me visit one day after I was discharged. Your hilarity, actions, and love for me mean more than I can express.

And lastly, Molly, my god dude. You were more supportive than my family too. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for caring about me. Thank you for calling me without being asked.

I digress, but TLDR;

GET THERAPY. GO TO THE FUCKING PSYCH WARD IF YOU WANT TO KILL YOURSELF.

Do you consider our world a safe place to live in? Do you consider yourself trustworthy? Have you ever walked on a dark road without thinking what might happen to you? And lastly do you feel that the world is predominantly a safe place or a dangerous place? As you try to open your eyes and mind you will see the different events taking place in our world today especially in our country. You can see people screaming for help, for justice, and seeking for support. You will see there are rapists, gun violence, endless fights of the people, corruption, and until now we don’t have an update on when the virus will end. I was always in my room wondering why this was happening to all of us. The world I knew before was different from the world I lived in today. Why do the people I knew before seem different today? Changes in our world today are rapid. Now we are flooded with bad news, it’s actually hard to avoid worrying for yourself even in your loved ones.

This week has given me time to get up to my world, to find myself, and make an observation to myself. As you open your phone and at the same time your social media accounts you will see shocking events to our world today. You will realize there are too many people spreading rumors and trying to destroy your life. That’s why I always asked myself what happened?  Thinking of our world today makes me wonder about tomorrow, a year, a decade, or a century later. I look back at what we did in the past and what we have accomplished as a race, a human race. It makes me realize how much can happen in a matter of years. What will happen in this next century? How much of the world, as we know it, still is around? Are the people around us safe to lean on? I wonder will the crimes, deaths, and discrimination will lessen or it can make worse. We live in a world full of hate and deceit. Many of us just stand aside and ignore what happens around us. What if, even for just one day, we really stopped to look? How many lives could be saved?

These horrible events in our society today really boosted my mental health. I was suddenly scared and wondered if every time I left our house, I was safe to go out and come home. I wonder how many more can be victimized before everyone stops. Having a safe place will stop you thinking immoral events might happen to you. Because of what is happening in our society today my parents became more strict. I don’t think it’s like being over protected. I'll just understand my parents because that is also for my sake.

1）Step#1 Shot photos in black room 

After I made sure the theme for my project, I decided to use a series of photos to show it. But when I finished the first and the second shooting, I found that it was not enough using portrait photography to express my project, because “envy”, “sloth” these words were too abstract to express by model’s body language and facial language.  

2)  Step#2 Continue to shoot photos and pick up photos from previous photos

During the spring break, I continued to shoot photos and pick up photos from s previous images. I found that except portrait photography, status of an object or behavior of a person can express the theme better. From previous photos, I selected the image of broken plate to express “wrath”, the sink accumulated dirty dishes to express “sloth”, the behavior of eating to express “gluttony”. After I went back from travel, I found that tomato decomposed in my refrigerator and it looked like a distorted face, then I thought that it was better to express “Envy”. I shot “greedy” and “lust” during travel. My friend and I picked up food in supermarket, actually we already selected a lot of food in our shopping cart, but we still wanted to buy more, and I realized that our behavior can represent “greedy”.  

3) Step#3 Do photo editing 

Using photoshop edits each selected photo and using different colors represents different sins.  

4) Step#4  Find relationship between the location of installation and project 

I didn’t find a special location that relates to seven sins to instal my project, thus I considered that I can built a connection between a book that relate to even sins and my project. 

5) Step#5 Instal photos in the library

6) Step#6 Made video to record it 

The Great Vowel Shift

While reading the article “How much shifting actually occurred in the historical English vowel shift?”, it was interesting to see how the author explained that it was not a shift, but really a merging of the vowels. Stockwell claims that when there is overcrowded vowel space, they just merge into one unit instead of shifting to a completely new sound. 

10/1/17

9/12/16