#journal:

I am so fatigued of: -inherent aspects of me that I did not choose and cannot change, being points of contention or alienation or special conversation about ‘can you be the one to do something different’ -my pre-graduation friends all sharing hobbies with each other (that I do not share with them) and them being SO USED TO me not sharing those hobbies with them, that when I DO find something I am very much equally interested in as them — and indeed, I expressed this interest FIRST — they use the same communication style they are always used to and ostracize/third-party my involvement by accident (actually I’m so used to not sharing hobbies with them, that doing a hobby *together with* them makes me have to fight disassociation from my own genuine interest in the hobby — disassociating mid-activity that I am actively doing with others, even if I am the one LEADING the activity, is a recurrent theme for me even outside of this particular social circle —but that’s its own separate me-problem)

. . . in other news I picked up a vegan pizza after swordfighting today — and my spouse got it 50:50 split with a non-vegan pizza which I felt ?? kind of?? defeated the purpose BUT the pizzeria actually did a really good job at not edge contaminating.

/—absolute sudden manic excitement thinking about neopets and its hunger ratings, and how starving IS a hunger rating in neopets also hunger: dying, which was an Etsy sticker once/

IN NEOPETS FONT, HUNGER: DYING /SPARKLE MARKS ARE ON THE STICKER/ /GIGGLES UP A STORM/

I had the _overwhelmingly_ confusing experience of . . . having the muscle memory of going to cuddle with my spouse while having an emotional breakdown; but any time he tried to hold me back and/or touched me with his hands (which are warm) it was like TERRIBLE like being branded by a hot iron and any time I could pick up on his pulse (or my own pulse because of the asynchronicity of our bodies) it made me so nauseous and upset (or dysphoric and upset) really, any time I touched anything that was warm I was like “aaaachgk, gross, dislike??” and shifted so it was like. constant weird little movements

so I kept ???? attempting ???? to press against him but it ?? didn’t do anything emotionally for me to do so ?? and of course any time he touched me I absolutely did not enjoy it and

+the contrasting, incompatible nature of the muscle memory and the reality of my situation (going to cuddle in situation) (actively disliking physical contact) was really upsetting +the contrasting nature of me trying to be against him, but being clearly in distress or shrugging him off any time he tried to touch me must have been terribly confusing and upsetting +the awareness that it must be so confusing for him making it an even WORSE experience for me in the moment

Yeah it was definitely an experience . . .

I’d write more about what I was thinking about, but tumblr deleted my draft from when I DID still remember and I um . . . don’t remember very well anymore. There was definitely “I feel bad literally every single time that I eat, it doesn’t matter what it is, or how much it is, or how healthy it is — ANYTHING, just. ALL THE TIME. it ALWAYS feels bad when I eat. because EVERYTHING feels like it moves me further away from what I want” mixed in there, though.

And probably gender & sex & sexuality and how those all tie together (and how not being able to have sex with people — like I just .cannot. physically do it anymore with how I respond to the bodies of people now — causes issues because my sexuality is a big part of how my gender works, and if I lack any social contexts in which my gender is sensibly communicated to other people . . . that is very confusing) but that kind of feels like spitballing. Because that’s something I was thinking about TODAY, and I’m nooot sure if I was also processing that last night or not. like GENUINELY I don’t remember anymore.

eh.

but still went out walking for 4.2 miles to take care of some basic things like “getting the really good pretzels that only stock on Saturday & Sunday, since that is the only day the bakery is active and sends to my co-op”* and “getting more acid reducers since I ran out of Omeprazole”†

*I also picked up these Carrot Raisin Flax muffins that are . . ABSOLUTELY phenomenal, REALLY tasty. They’re like everything that I ever adored from the Cliff Carrot Cake Protein Bar (before it got ?discontinued? or at least I never saw it again) without the bad parts that came from it being a protein bar in the first place . . . AND even better. I really like taste and mouthfeel of foods with “raw, hard oats / hard plant material fiber” and these muffins have a lot of that. Aaaah they’re really good. And I picked up a sprouting jar kit + some dry sprouting seeds! I’ve been really happy every time I have sprouts to eat. (Still think the whole ‘literally eating alive babies and no one questions this’ thing with eating sprouts is really funny, though) So I thought I should look into the ability to nurture sprouts myself, because little boxes of sprouts are . . . quite expensive. And bags of sprout seeds are . . . so much less expensive. And probably the seeds are healthier because of where I am buying them! Everyone wins! I’m certain that I’ll tenderly sensually stroke these little sprout bundles and get a lot of deep emotional enjoyment from it at least once!!

†This time, instead of picking up Omeprazole, I picked up — two different things. Disclaimer: I am still learning. So it seems like there are multiple types of acid-reducers.

Also thinking about how he reacted to me talking about my experience with “I suddenly started identifying the plant families of the weeds, and I was very unhappy that all the different patches are just various combinations of the plants — which is why sometimes a dicot patch matures into a monocot, and visa versa, [blahblahblah]” —It made me realize that: RIGHT. the precedent that’s been set for YEAES is that if either of us do anything with any state of consciousness altering thing at ALL, we let the other know before we do it. that has never been explicitly stated as a rule or anything, it was never even requested or anything, it’s just . . . always been the way it was. (“Of course you can, why are you asking me?” tends to be a very common, softly bewildered but not bothered, response of mine to things like being asked ‘if I mind if he does XYZ thing’). Which I’ve kind of shaken up without saying a single thing I guess, I never really thought about it other than acknowledging that the behaviour IS new/different.