Who: Higgs
When: Writing year unknown
Where: Unknown
I've discovered the truth about the Death Stranding. Amelie's powers have nothing to do with DOOMS. She's destruction incarnate. The angel of the Death Stranding. The extinction entity.
I understand now what my true role is. The bridge that will deliver her judgment to this world. The executor of the end.
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[[8//14//19]] Journal 16 -
hey hey. its 9:40. i know its late- but its Report Time ! !
today i was visited by an old friend who wanted to see the studio im working in and have a little tour and watch me work and stuff. the company was SO APPRECIATED and it was actually kind of a delight to work today... i had fun teaching him how stuff works and everything. ill admit : i wasnt as productive today because of the distraction of someone with me who wasnt also working... but i think it was so worth it. i really needed this...
uh
what else...
okay so, i worked on painting, a bit of trimming, and making some new latex stuffs. REALLY UNFORTUNATELY - i messed up another latex thing... i was sure it was good to go [to be pulled out of its mold] but i guess that just wasnt the case...? because as soon as i pulled it out it got all gummed-up and stuff. completely irreparable...ahhh... this is the second time. it really sucks.
after work we met up with my friends boyfriend and their friend- and went out to eat at a place called “KABUKI”... they got a lot of sushi which i think is so so pretty but cant stand the texture of- and well i got something else. it was funny because, what i ordrdered i really didnt like-- so my friend went across the street and bought me a small pizza? LOL
and yeah thats it goodnight bye-bye.
im so tired.
uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh .
i feel so sickkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk .
anyways...
today i actually had my advisor with me for a good chunk of hours in the middle of my shift! that was nice-- though i was alone at the begining and end. my co-workers did not show up either- which was lonely and kind of rough, but i think im getting more and more used to it which is probably a good thing yknow...? okay ok so what did i do today- i pulled some new tick bodies out of their molds, trimmed their edges nicely, and gave them a base color of paint on both sides. I also pulled out a nice group of new eggs! hm what else... i cleaned, too, as usual- but despite that there is still so much junk all over the work stations...! i will be sure to tend to that stuff tomorrow- for sure!!
and that’s??
it.
Lol its technically the 14th but I forgot to post this last night soooo yeah
I feel like every time I write one of these I start out with something along the lines of “well I haven’t written one of these in a while.” So uh I’m not gonna say that specifically but the message is still there.
Anyways, the topic of tonight: I’m not sure how to word this properly but uh something along the lines of being like openly gay?
So I’ve got a small confession to make. I keep a small rainbow in the pocket of my work jacket at all time. I got bored one night at work and colored it, and now it is with me every time I’m at work. I’m not out yet, to anyone (well, not anyone I still talk to anyway). And I don’t know sometimes I feel sort of fake? Like I’m not actually bi because no one knows I am and I never talk about girls in a romantic way because of that and I am currently dating a guy. So I don’t know.. I don’t keep the small pride flag with me to remind myself that I am bi, because trust me I am hella attracted to girls. I really do want to be out, I want to be able to talk about everyone who I find cute and I don’t like keeping secrets I am a pretty open person. But I can’t yet for a lot of the typical reasons. So I guess keeping that small reminder with me is kind of thrilling in a sense? I shouldn’t keep it with me, I should throw it away because if someone does see it they’ll ask questions and even if I deny it I feel like they’ll still know. Like I pulled something out of my pocket the other day and the paper came out with it and fell to the floor. Someone almost saw it, heck they may have and just decided to not ask. I can’t risk anyone finding out because once one person knows then everyone knows, or at least that’s what I feel like will happen. Anyways I meant to make that part just a small note at the beginning of this journal but uh that didn’t happen... oops.
Really what I wanted to talk about though is this. I work at a restaurant, a decently fancy one and couples come in all the time. I’ve never really noticed before tonight but pretty much every single couple that comes in is straight. I think like one time a couple of months ago there were two girls that came in for their anniversary. But tonight I sat these two teenage boys and I kind of just assumed that they were like friends coming in for a fancy dinner I don’t know. I thought nothing of it until I actually read the ticket that listed their reservation info. With the reservation making system we use you can tag your reservation with certain things, like anniversary, birthday, booth request, allergy, wheelchair accessible. And these boys had tagged theirs saying that it was a date night. I don’t know it kind of just made me happy to see an openly gay couple out for dinner? I feel like it is still rare to see same sex couples out in public and showing affection to each other? I do live in a bit of a small town though. So like yes I know that it happens, that same sex couples get together and are happy and go out to dinner and have date nights on the town. It is just weird to actually see it, and it makes me happy to see it. It kind of restores my faith in the hope that I could someday go on a date with a girl and be happy.
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How do people get through working day after day? How are people able to live happy, productive lives? I've been sitting my couch for almost twelve straight hours now. I have to go into work tomorrow and I don't know how I'm going to do it - I don't know how I'm going to get off this couch. I have a recurring fantasy where I just simply stop existing... I don't want to die, I don't want to kill myself, I just don't want to BE. I want a big hole to open up swallow me, or space to suck me up into the stars, anything but here...
I'll never understand how getting out of bed in the mornings has become my biggest obstacle. I want to be a morning person. I want to get up and be productive. But instead I just lay there until the very last second and am then forced to rush through my morning routine. I'm back on antidepressants and the transition is rough. I'm constantly nauseated and food feels like sand in my mouth. At first I was afraid the meds would turn me into a zombie, but I was already so numb without them I don't see that being a problem. I just want to be normal, you know? To top it off, I got all the way to work this morning but then ended up crying in the parking lot and calling in. My attendance is so bad. I hope I don't get fired...