Who: Higgs
When: Writing year unknown
Where: Unknown
BB reminds me of a baby doll, but it's no toy, that's for sure. Neither dead nor alive. Half human, half... something else. An inhabitant of the in-between, like a mummy. A lump of flesh wrapped around a shrivelled yet still-beating heart. So many symbols to choose from, all signifying that humanity's reached the end of the road.
The Stranding was big number six. I see that now, and so much more. The voidouts, the bodies birthing BTs— all aspects of a single phenomenon that exists solely to wipe us off the face of the earth. We can't stop what's coming. It's inevitable. Putting Humpty Dumpty back together won't change a goddamn thing, and risking life and limb to try's a fool's errand. Why sacrifice what little you've got in the here and now for a future that'll never come? It's wasteful and meaningless. Amelie'd agree, for sure.
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I feel good about 2020 because it feels like the positive energy is with me and I can accomplish anything. The holidays were great because I spent the time with friends and family and I had time to reconnect and get to know each other again. The family time ended and I received some pretty cool gifts and I have been enjoying them. I received Mutant League Football, Catherine Full Body and Nier. I have only played Mutant League and I can say this the best football game I have played in such a long time. The one criticism I have is the A.I. uses the dirty play when they fall behind and since there's no way to counter them, The A.I. can make a comeback and it leads to a frustrating experience. I did play Catherine Full Body for a few hours and I'm really enjoying the story. I don't play anime game Every often but this game and Persona 5 changed the way I view anime games and I want to experience more this year. I plan to install Nier at some point because I have seen and heard positive things about it and I can't wait to dive into the game.
My backlog has grown to unmanageable levels lol. I think I need to figure out a schedule because I have found myself playing NBA Live 19. I have a difficult time focusing on one game and that's partly the reason why the backlog hasn't gone anywhere, the second reason is laziness. I want to change that here in 2020 and focus on the games that I want to play and finish. I play games to experience and have fun but since this backlog has grown, I have been rushing through games and not enjoying them and I feel awful about it. Hopefully, I will be able to sit down a game and play it and enjoy it without putting so many mental barriers on myself.
Happy New Year 🎆 again and may this year bring peace, love, and prosperity to you and your family.
I had a really incoherent shift where I was tied to an alien with a glass pyramid for a head, he saw things as though through a kaleidoscope 3 fold vision. His vision was blurred and he was attacked. I went through phases of his life with him and he was very attached and fond of me. The codeword for this reality? “Phantom”.
The next strange thing was I was laying in bed and I heard a voice. An elderly man's voice and it said "yes adam your almost there!" Very calming almost. That's when I shifted to the diamond boy on the table.
Lastly as I was getting ready for bed I was greeted by a black puffy cloud of smoke with a teenage white girl with glasses face. She told me she was my x from another reality then switched to a mature attractive black women's face. She compared me to “her Adam” who was a cisgender male. She told me his mother yells and his sister beats him up and I said that, that's how my life used to be but it's not that way anymore. I don't go by “Adam”. She was pissed when she found out I go by a gods name and not “Adam”. She told me we should date and went "wow it really is you but more raunchy." "I'm still me regardless of the reality" she complimented my red hair? At Least I think it was a compliment and that was the end of it. I reality shifted to the soundtrack Almost Alice. It's a trippy soundtrack that I have memorized on my Walkman and I personally find the music so repetitive it helps me shift easier. Anyways those are all my notes for now. Night!
Gender isn’t a big deal to me. And I mean that both as a nonbinary person and as a pansexual.
Personally, it doesn’t matter to me if someone is a man, woman, or nonbinary. If I think they’re attractive, then I think they’re attractive. If I see someone and think “oh he/she’s hot” and it turns out they’re actually nonbinary, I’ll just go “oh THEY’RE hot”. No fuss, no worries. It doesn’t matter. Simple as that.
Though for a lot of people, it’s actually not that simple. They get confused about it. Sometimes they think it’s just the same as bisexuality, or that we just made up the label for attention, or that we’re more likely to cheat in a relationship, we’re always horny, etc, etc, etc.
That’s not it, though. Pansexuality is its own sexuality and it’s what we are. And we’re proud.
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So today is mmy first day back and I am so nervous wow wow wow wow wow wow wow okay so i got there just today and waited awhile. He was not there when he said he would be but I'm used two it bi now ! So when he arrived we had some general welcome back type chatter then we discussed what has been worked on and what still needs finished since I was gone! Â After that he and I waited for the new help that he had obtained for the project. [The project is still the haunt by the wai even thou he now has some new side project.z..] ok ok so... My advisor and I met up w the help and it was very nice too meet thm they r nice and very smart and skilled. After a little bit my advisor left to go and tend to some work! So my new friends helped me remember some how-to's and then we began work. We spent all day cutting masks and painting them and airbrushing things! We had some nice talks all the while. My favorite part ov th.e day is wen we got to [and I am not kidding!!] Go and get like literally 6 or 7 or 8 skeletons out of a locked truck and dragged them up to our lair. After that we all departed around the same time. It was cool two c the progress and the weird dip my ma left me fr my lunch was strange and I am not personally a fan.2day was full of Fear but it was fine I guess. I'm just sicker and weaker than last time so reasonably I'm feeling scared?Âż
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[also not pictured above : we made tons of nasty giant tick eggs]
So here’s a question, I see a lot of people with pcos talking about “Metformin,” how do you get that? Like, do you have to go to an endocrinologist to get that?
Because I’ve only seen an OBGYN about my pcos, and well...she basically didn’t tell me anything, and has been no help at all. All she did was prescribe me birth control pills, she didn’t tell me anything about pcos potentially causing diabetes (which you would think would be an important thing to mention) I learned that on the internet.
Basically everything I know about pcos I learned from googling it, that doctor didn’t tell me squat.Â
Wow I haven’t written one of these in a while. Actually the last one was on the first day of school... And now it is the end of the first semester almost. Sorry bout that guys.
Today’s Topic: Birthdays and loneliness
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So my birthday is in a little less than 2 hours from now. I will be turning 16
I feel like I should be happy and excited because it’s my birthday you know? But I’m not. If anything I am just depressed about it tbh. One of the reasons is because now that I’m 16 I have to start actually growing up you know? Like I have to get a job and a car and pay for insurance and shit. I have no clue where I am going to work at but that is a problem for another day. I’m not worrying about that shit till after the holidays.Â
But the thing that really makes me the most upset is the fact that I’m turning 16 and haven’t done anything really. I’ve never kissed anyone, let alone gone further than that. I haven’t had a proper boyfriend since like elementary school, and those don’t even count. I’ve never had a girlfriend either for that matter, but I’m not even out yet so that’s normal. I literally don’t know anyone my age who has never kissed anyone before. I’m such a loser and I hate it. But the thing is that like I know I am fucking fabulous. I know I’m not a model by any means but I know I’m at least cute. But no one likes me, like like likes me. I don’t even know why.. Well actually I do kind of...
It is just the fact that I can’t talk to people. My social skills are really lacking. And if it is someone that I like I am even worse. I just blush and stutter the whole time and it is horrible. Either that or I am just mean to them for some reason. Or both. I freaking hate it.  But I am definitely improving a lot. I just have to take baby steps.Â
And even if I did find someone who liked me and I liked them back I don’t even know what I would do. I have no clue how to be in a relationship. What seems like common sense to other people is like a total foreign language to me. Ever since last year and the whole thing with this one guy I haven’t liked anyone. Which is dumb because I don’t like him anymore. He is dating my best friend now, which i’m totally cool with, and I talk to him everyday because he sits with us and rides my bus. But that doesn’t matter. I have’t really liked anyone since then. I just want someone who can make me happy. And I know that I should make my own happiness and you aren’t going to find it if you are trying so hard all the time. But still.Â
I just feel numb all the time. Sometimes I kind of want to die but I would never kill myself because that would kill my family. But I would be alright with dying by accident. But I’m not sad or depressed. I don’t even get sad anymore really. Well I do but I like never cry, which is weird because typically I am a total cry baby. I feel like I’m sort of just going through life in a haze, like I’m always spaced out. Or like I’ve just lost the will to live. I don’t know...
So that’s that. Fun talk for the night before my birthday right?Anyways I am determined to stay up till midnight but writing this is getting a bit too depressing so I’m going to stop now. Sorry I have’t written anything in so long. Maybe I will start writing regularly, I think it helps. Bye.