Chapter 33: A few steps back
Her we are again. I hope you all enjoy chapter 33.
I wanna thank you all for the feedback here an on Anastasia’s IG profile that I left terribly abandoned but I will retake it! Don’t worry about it!
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Thanks to everyone who reads the fic, much love to you all! ♥
Read chapter 32
Lauren joined the tour until the Jacksonville date; she was taking a mini vacation from her album recording, as Anastasia found out one night in a bar from Carl. She hadn’t spoken to Josh since them, but her message with Silver Springs had been loud and clear.
While in Orlando they had two days off, so everyone agreed on going to Universal Studios and have a different day with all the tour crew, which was an amazing group of people. Anastasia had so much fun visiting the The Wizarding World of Harry Potter that for an afternoon, she forgot about the whole Josh issue; she focused on enjoying the Harry Potter ride since she was such a Potterhead.
But Anastasia still hadn’t spoken to Josh. Anxiety took over her mind and Xanax started to be a regular thing, she knew it was wrong but it made her feel so good, forgetting everything around her. She woke up the second morning in Orlando and popped two Xanax like it was routine, Mandy wasn’t in the room at that moment which made it easier for An to do so. She went back to bed and her phone started ringing, she looked at the screen and saw three letters she didn’t want to see: JAK, but without thinking about it she picked up.
- Did I wake you? – Josh asked before An could say anything.
- No – Anastasia answered while the pills kicked in.
- Can you meet me so we can talk? – He asked softly.
- Josh…
- An, please! – He begged.
- Ok.
- I’ll see you at the lobby in ten – She hang up.
That was hell, she was high with the pills and now Josh wanted to talk, she was going to act stupid. “Why did I agree?” she though, “I’m so fucking weak for this asshole”, her mind was having a conversation of her own. She got up while the effect of the Xanax was still mild, and got dressed with a simple t-shirt, a pair of jeans and Vans – It was starting to get hot outside - and walked out and to the lobby.
- So, listen… – Josh started to talk while they were walking near the hotel but Anastasia interrupted him.
- I know what you are going to say, Josh, and you don’t need to lie to me about Lauren. It’s obvious you two have a relationship, I know you were with her on New Year’s Eve while I was with your friends, you don’t need to keep lying to me. More than lovers we have always been friends and we can’t have any kind of relationship if you aren’t honest – Josh opened his eyes wide.
- I can’t say sorry enough…
- You don’t need to say sorry.
- I’m just confused because… You are amazing and you have your life all figured out, and I’m here dealing with insecurities that I have been working on for so long, but then you came to my life and give me a chance to be with you… but I realized that it made my insecurities even worst.
- I’m so sorry to hear that…
- I’m not in love with Lauren but she makes me feel good.
- I thought I did my best to make you feel good.
- You did but this is not your fault, it’s me. It’s me and my fucked up brain.
- We all have a fucked up brain, you say I have my life all figured out when you know my life is a mess too. I have a mother who hates me, I always been drowning in work, focusing on keeping myself busy and leaving my personal life to a side, and now I’m almost 30, I’m alone and I probably won’t have a family because my life moves around my job and… there are more stuff – Anastasia was thinking if it was a good moment to tell him that she was unable to get pregnant, but he talked first.
- I’m almost 40 and dating a girl that I definitely don’t want a family with. I love you – He said stopping walking and holding her by her shoulders forcing her to look at him – I really do, but it’s hard for me to be with somebody like you because I’m not mentally prepared for that. I know it’s stupid but I’m immature in so many aspects.
- I love you too – She said – But all this made me feel so bad and it just made me realize how alone I am, and in a certain way it made me hate myself because I’m to blame in some level. I just can’t keep anybody next to me. You just changed me for another girl and that destroyed me.
- I’m an idiot and you can hate me. I deserve it.
- I don’t hate you, that’s the thing. I can’t hate you. You are my friend after all and we are working together now, I have to deal with you – She was calm because of the pill, but inside she wanted to stab him with the first thing she could find.
They walked some more and stopped in front of a mural that represented people working on fields but their faces were badly done, and by that moment the Xanax was on full effect on Anastasia.
- That’s one fucking ugly mural – Anastasia said smiling in a silly way.
- Yeah – Josh laughed noticing something wrong with her.
- What? – The Xanax was at its full effect by then – Oh my God! – Anastasia couldn’t see clear.
- Did you take something by any chance? – Josh said smiling; the situation was fun for him – Something like drugs?
- Yeah! – Anastasia started crying – I took two fucking Xanax this morning because I’m tired of feeling, Josh! – She screamed - I’m so tired of everything! I haven’t done this since high school and that’s one fucking ugly mural – She was crying even more and Josh hugged her smiling – It’s so ugly.
- Yes, it’s an ugly mural – Josh ram his hand through her hair – You need food, let’s go get a burger.
- This is your fault – Anastasia said cleaning the tears from her face – It’s your fucking fault – She was acting tipsy and threw her arms to Josh neck while resting her head on his chest and closing her eyes.
- How I wish it weren’t – Josh said kissing her hair.
- I want that burger – Anastasia pulled away from Josh and tried to stand in front of him, she couldn’t without his help. He smiled again and took her by the waist – But wait! – She stopped – People are gonna know that I’m high.
- Well, we’ll have to act – Josh said laughing.
- But I can’t act!
- You can, I’ve seen your music videos – Anastasia had a shocked expression on her face.
- You did? Aw! – She was going through a lot of moods in that moment.
- Come on – Josh took her by the waist again and started to walk.
Josh took her to eat a burger in the first place they found on the way, he ordered two avocado bacon burgers, because it was Anastasia’s favorite.
- Boy, I starved myself for so many years that once I found love for food I want to eat it all – She said and he laughed.
The burger was surprisingly good and after that they went back to the hotel, where Josh took Anastasia to his room and let her sleep. She slept for two hours and woke up more grounded, the Xanax started to wear off, so Josh thought it was a good idea for her to take a bath and he ran it.
- Do you know what’s good after a drug train wreck? – Josh asked.
- A beer? – Anastasia asked back with a smile.
- A bath, come on! – Josh carried her since still was hard for Anastasia to stand still.
He sat on the border of the bath tub and started to undress her, first her t-shirt, then the jeans, he stopped for a second and looked at her eyes, she had a silly smile on her face and then he proceeded to take her underwear off.
- It’s not like you haven’t seen me naked before – Anastasia said getting inside the bathtub – Did you put essences on this bath? I smell coconut.
- Yeah, I know how much you like it. I called the lobby and they sent me some – Josh said still in the border of the bathtub.
- Wow! What a diligent little guy you are – Anastasia took seat and hugged Josh forcing him to fall on the bathtub getting all wet while wearing his clothes. The pills had lost the effect, Anastasia realized what she had done and felt instantly bad and ashamed – Oh my God, Josh! I’m so sorry. Oh God! – To her surprise, Josh was laughing.
- It’s ok. Don’t worry – He got up inside the bathtub and started to take his clothes off.
- What are you doing? – Anastasia asked confused.
- I need a bath too – He said smiling and getting back into the bathtub this time completely naked, he noticed Anastasia’s confused look – It’s not like you haven’t seen me naked before – She smiled.
Anastasia got nervous for a moment, but they just stayed there in the bathtub in front of each other looking into their eyes and smiling. There wasn’t a need for sex in that bathroom, neither one of them tried to make a move. They just laid there enjoying each other’s company, looking at each other and smiling. For that moment, Anastasia finally felt peace after all those stormy months. For those minutes she even forgot that she was angry at Josh for cheating on her. Josh grabbed her right foot and started to rub it.
- Oh yeah! That feels good – Anastasia said almost moaning with her eyes close and a smile on her face – Listen – Josh locked looks with her – I’m sorry for being so stupid with the Xanax.
- Don’t worry about it. I’ve been laughing the whole fucking day.
- I’m glad for being your source for joy.
- You’ve always been – He said smiling – But for real, promise me you won’t do it again, you don’t need that, An, look at all the amazing things you have in life.
- I’m looking at one right now – She said looking at him straight.
Suddenly she felt the urge to kiss him but maybe that would ruin the moment. But Josh didn’t think the same, he took her wrists and pulled her towards him and kissed her so tenderly and so lovingly, sliding his hands into her wet hair slowly. He cupped her face after the kiss and stared at her for a few seconds.
- I’m always gonna be here for you – He said and put Anastasia’s arms around him forcing her to hug him.
They just stayed there, in that position for about an hour. It was one of those incredible moments of intimacy without sexual touch that you only see in movies.
Now she was lying next to Josh on his hotel bed. He was looking at something on his Notebook and she was staring at the ceiling, thinking about what just happened. At that moment all of her problems seemed so small, she had this man that cared about her but who was confused, so she decided she wasn’t going to force him, she wasn’t going to force any kind of situation. Josh needed to find his path on his own. She wanted him, she couldn’t lie about that and she knew he wanted her too, so Anastasia preferred to let everything flow. Josh was amazing as a lover and as a friend and she didn’t want to lose that, after all they were both adults and having this kind of friends-with-benefits thing was what adults did, she thought.
The Miami schedule was perfect, they had another two days off before the show and everyone tried to get the most out of them. On Tuesday the sun was shining bright so Chad thought it was a great idea to rent a yacht and both bands, managers and some friends had a day at the ocean. Anastasia was happy for the swimsuit weather and she wore the hottest one piece swimsuit of all, it was red, laced up on the sides and with a deep neck line. She felt Josh’s eyes over her the whole time but tried to not give it much attention to that. She loved the beach, she loved the ocean and the summer breeze and it was extremely pleasant to finally enjoy it, even more after a winter in Europe where fake fur coats and snow were the norm.
An and Mandy enjoyed sunbathing in a pool float with the shape of a cloud and a rainbow, while Eric, Josh and Nick decided go for a jet ski race that Nick won. Then it was time for the girls, Flea joined them to win over the girls. Mandy brought a white Captain hat that everybody wore at some point, especially for pictures.
- Captain hats were so in at parties when we were 16 – Anastasia said to Josh, Nick, Eric and Mandy.
- Typical California girl behavior – Josh said laughing while Anastasia was trying the hat and winking at him.
- Well… that’s what we are – Mandy answered.
- She’s not – Josh said laughing still. Now Anastasia was taking a selfie.
- My birth certificate says London but my heart says California – Anastasia said taking off the hat and everyone laughed.
- I think I want to go for another jet ski round – Mandy said.
- I’m tired! – Anastasia excused herself.
- I’m in! – Nick said with a smile.
- I’ll join you – Eric said with enthusiast too and the three left Josh and Anastasia behind.
Suddenly they were alone again in the backside of the yacht, while the rest were on the front and upstairs.
- Put that hat on again I want to take a picture – Josh said smiling.
- You are on with the picture game lately.
He didn’t answer and she did as he told her while Josh took his phone. First he took one of her alone and she felt a bit awkward don’t knowing how to pose but then he got close to her and took a selfie of both.
- You are going to fill your phone with my pictures – Anastasia said taking the hat off again.
- I wouldn’t be mad about that – He smiled and was still so close to her that he couldn’t resist to kiss her lips, it was a short kiss but meaningful.
- We need to be careful – She looked to the sides.
- About what? – Josh asked with a confused look on his eyes.
- About whatever the hell this is, Josh – She had to say it. It still was strange for her to kiss him knowing that he had a relationship with someone else.
- First, it isn’t anybody’s problem if we kiss or not. Second, I’m sure nobody really cares and third, we are both adults, we don’t need to hide. Yes, I know it’s a strange thing we have but I can help it, especially when you look so sexy like today – Josh said grabbing her by the waist.
He kissed her again but Anastasia had to stop him because she was sure things were going to get intense and that wasn’t the moment or the place to happen. He didn’t get mad, actually he felt a little bit ashamed but she let him know it was ok.
It was so special to watch the sunset, out in the ocean, with all the people she loved, even Josh who hugged her the whole ride back to the shore.
The weather was great in Miami, it wasn’t too dry and it was kind of windy at night. Mandy wanted to go out, Anastasia, Nick, Eric, Chad and Josh followed her as they ended up on a Mexican food restaurant which had the most perfect and delicious margaritas Anastasia had ever had (Mandy agreed). They ate an absurd amount of food and then drank some more. Josh didn’t stop smiling at Anastasia and she returned the glances like an idiot.
- Look who’s here! – Chad said pointing to a table next to them – Doctor Ramos Jr.
Anastasia turned her head and there he was, Alejandro and two other friends.
- Hey, boss! – Alex answered with that smile that melted Anastasia’s soul.
- I love when you call me boss with that accent. It’s so sexy – Chad mocked and they laughed.
- Hey, An! – Alex greeted her.
- Hi, Alex, haven’t seen you in days – She said politely.
- You got your voice back, you don’t need me anymore – he answered still smiling.
- Aw, don’t say that! – Chad said – I got to tell you – Chad said to the other two guys that were on Alejandro’s table – No one treasts my sore wrists like this dude! – They laughed – Why don’t you guys join us!
And so they did, they joined tables and now the group was larger. Anastasia could feel how Alejandro kept looking at her and also she saw how Josh face went to total angry mode and kept looking at her and him. The air was tense. After an hour, Chad wanted to leave. Eric, Nick and Josh decided to join him. Alejandro had some other plans and the girls chose to go with him to explore the Miami nightlife.
It was fun and different, Alejandro (staying true to his Latin roots) took the girls to a salsa club where An and Mandy made total fools of themselves trying to dance.
- We are too white for this shit – Mandy said at some point on the dance floor.
- And I’m British. That adds a whole new level of complex – Anastasia answered laughing.
Alejandro helped An a little and by the end of the night she got a lot better. She was enjoining his company, he was fun and easy going and the way he held her waist while dancing woke things in her that she thought were asleep. It was a whole new phase of sensuality. Mandy had fun too but around two of the morning the girls decided to go back to the hotel. Alejandro made sure they arrived safe and sound; Mandy went straight to their room while Anastasia remained at the lobby talking with Alex some more. After some more flirty smiles, he said goodbye with a sweet kiss on Anastasia’s cheek.
An was smiling in that elevator like a teenager in love. Then, she walked to her room but a voice stopped her.
- Did you have fun? – Josh asked as she looked at him. Their rooms where on the same floor, his a couple of doors away from hers.
- Now you stalk me on hotel hallways? – She asked him.
- I was worried about you – He said.
- Worried about what? – She wasn’t drunk but alcohol definitely ran in her system.
- Come here – He commanded and she obeyed, like it was some kind of spell – I just don’t like that guy – He said tucking her hair behind her right ear.
- What do you know? – Josh was coming closer.
- He’s not your kind – Josh started to kiss her, there, in that lonely hallway and she couldn’t control it.
He grabbed her waist with despair and carried her inside his room. She couldn’t stop him, she didn’t want to stop him; the more passion Josh gave her the more she wanted to take. She threw her legs around his waist as Josh sat her on his bed without stopping the kisses. She took his t-shirt off (he was wearing his bed time outfit) while he kissed her neck, she bit his earlobe and that created a fierce reaction from Josh who pushed her on the bed and undressed her with rage. He threw her shoes away and took off her short dress with such violence that An was sure he ripped it off. Now they were naked on the bed and when An tried to jump on top of him he grabbed her wrist and pushed her again against the bed. He was going to be on top, he was going to be in charge, and he did. She saw an animal spark in his eyes.
Josh was full of rage at that moment as she could see but it didn’t scare her, it excited her, it was a side of Josh she hadn’t seen in bed yet. She had the best angry sex of her life that night.
- Last night was fun – Mandy said while she and Anastasia were having breakfast in their room next morning.
- I know.
- You disappeared with Alex – Mandy made an exaggerated smile on her face.
- Hmm – Anastasia was trying to find the right words to break it to Mandy – I actually disappeared with Josh.
- For the love of the Lord, Anastasia Truman! – Mandy screamed – Did you have sex with Josh again? – Anastasia shrunk – Can’t believe this.
- It was the best dick I ever had in my life – Anastasia said smiling – He was angry.
- Glad that all the suffering that you went through was worth it – Mandy said – Wait, did you say he was angry?
- Yeah. He took control and he was kind of punishing me. It was so hot.
- He was jealous – Mandy said.
- Jealous? – Anastasia looked at her friend – Of Alex?
- Of course! I saw him looking at you and him and the restaurant last night and then you went to him like a fucking prize. It’s ego stuff. Like saying to Alex: “Yes you can flirt but I’m the one who is fucking her”.
- Well, I hope he goes on being jealous like that if sex is gonna be that amazing.
- You have no repair, lady – Mandy said laughing – But what about the whole situation?
- Don’t worry about it. I’m gonna let it flow and have fun in the meantime. I won’t worry about the future.
- You know I’ll be here for you to kick Josh’s ass anytime he deserves it.
Josh wasn’t so angry the rest of the Miami trip, Alex didn’t appear near them again and he performed the happiest show ever, he was all smiles playing the songs and jumping around and joking with Chad, while Anastasia stood next to the stage also smiling, because she knew she was the reason for his happiness.
Read chapter 34
