#jonnegan

the note had been written for a long time. almost a year. he didn’t know when he planned on going, nor did he know who was going to read it. finn was almost sure his dad wouldn’t read it, if he did it wouldn’t mean anything to him. the note was more of just a goodbye to things he might have cared about, stupid things really. like the stray cat down the block that would always be in the same place whenever he would walk home from school. or maybe just that one time some kid said hi to him in the hallway, it was really just a goodbye to the little things that made him happy. 

but inanimate objects wouldn’t miss him, nobody would he didn’t think. the couch he sat on and made little bracelets on wouldn’t miss him, the little radio in his room he used to listen to the radio wouldn’t miss him, and his songwriting notebook wouldn’t miss him. there was nobody alive that cared enough about finnegan knight to really and truly miss him. other kids died before, there were assemblies for them. people who never even spoke to the kids pretended to miss the person for a week or so before they were forgotten. that’s how he pictured how things would be after he died.

the world would most certainly keep spinning. 

finnegan knight’s death would not be significant. 

today was different, he knew now. he knew he was going to die after school, but it didn’t really make him feel different. every day had practically been the same for him, someone would say something to him. tease him about being tall, tease him about being gay, something of that sort. finn would offer a half-hearted smile in response, not knowing what to say. because he never fucking knew what to say.

he was halfway through the school day which meant he was halfway to dying. and with the kid following him and calling him faggot, it didn’t seem so bad right now. in fact, it almost seemed like it would be better. finn just wanted to go. he wanted to leave. the thought of what everyone said when someone committed suicide, you always had someone to talk to. there was always someone who cared. they were very wrong or at least finn thought so, because never in his hole life had he felt more alone then the day he planned to die.

lunch was the same. lunch was always the same, he sat in the corner away from everyone and nibbled on whatever he had managed to scrounge up from the kitchen. there was a table of upperclassman that always looked at him, whispered and laughed. sometimes they called him names, sometimes they just pointed. either way finn was just trying to not look at them, they were making him sick today. he kind of wanted to throw up.

and then someone sat down in front of him. finn shakily set down his food and looked up, there was a boy. finn recognized him from the table of upperclassmen. this had to be some sort of joke, he was gonna harass finn. he was gonna do something to make finn want to die more.

it was the opposite of what finn thought, it ended up being the first time someone spoke to finn since middle school with words that weren’t laced with pity or calling him a faggot. it was normal, it was conversation. it was genuine.

the boy was beautiful and his name was joey. for once finn was able to block out the table full of boys, everything was focused on joey.

everything was joey, joey, joey. and finn knew that it would be like that from now on.

joey asked him if he wanted to hang out after school and finn nearly broke down in tears right there at the table, because for once someone wanted to hang out with finn. someone actually wanted him to come over after school, talk with him, laugh with him, joke with him. and finn was almost positive he was in love right there.

it was quite silly maybe, but finn could absolutely not help being so dependent and so naive. he didn’t know better. probably never would. even though he had been bullied the majority of his life, the trust he put in people that paid attention to him was excruciating. 

they hung out after school, finn didn’t bother to tell his dad. he didn’t care what his dad thought for once, not caring that he’d probably have fresh new bruises on his abdomen tomorrow morning. it would be worth it. 

joey’s house was stunning and large, everything was in it’s place and perfect. finn liked how pretty everything was, but he didn’t like how hollow it felt either. but it was okay, joey was vibrant in a way that finn couldn’t quite understand. joey spoke with a slight drawl to his voice, finn loved that. he described himself like he was something boring, but he wasn’t. finn was absolutely determined to figure out joey, even if it took him a lifetime. 

they sat in joey’s room and just talked. it was nice, finn just lied there on the floor, turning his head to look at joey ever so often, who was sat on the bed. the light through the window would catch joey’s face in a certain light, and finn wanted to tell him how pretty he was. though he knew if he told someone how pretty they were when they had first met, he would surely lose his first friend. it was perfect, joey was perfect, everything was perfect.

and for once finn forgot how much he wanted to die. he forgot how heavy and sick he felt when he woke up in the morning, he forgot how he reread his note, placing it carefully on his bed before he left. taking so much care even though he knew the first person to find him would be his dad, who couldn’t care less about his own son. finn felt alive sitting there on the carpet of joey’s room. and he couldn’t be more thankful.

by the time he left joey’s, it was dark. but finn only had to weave through a few yards before he made it back to his house. his father was still awake, but for once the yelling didn’t make him flinch and burst into tears. he took the beating he knew he had in store for him, then slunk up the stairs, for once not caring how much his ribs hurt. there was so much on his mind, all of it related to how joey looked, how joey talked, everything was joey.

the note was there lying on his bed, finn felt sick looking at it. 

he woke up feeling dead, but now he felt alive.

there was no way finnegan knight was dying when joseph kessler just showed up in his life.

finn ripped up the note, tossing it in the trash bin next to his bed.

he slid into bed happy.