#jongin fic

He looks different like this, you think.

Whenever you had snuck glances at Jongin in the gym, he was always wearing clothes comfortable enough to dance in: hoodies, sweatpants, and occasionally a tank top that showed off the toned muscle in his arms. But here he is now, smiling at you from a park bench with his coat buttoned all the way to his throat, beanie pulled low over his ears. He has a picnic blanket slung over one shoulder and two coffee cups in his hands. Here he seems so much more… normal. Not so untouchable.

Which is a good thing, to be clear. You would never have thought to approach Jongin at the gym at all, too intimidated by his general aura, but one late night workout last week had left him as the only person available to spot you. You quickly learned that he was easy to talk to, adorable even, a quiet sort of charisma that left you completely at ease. 

“Thank you for agreeing to meet me here even though it’s freezing,” Jongin says, handing you one of the cups. “I got you some hot chocolate if you want it.”

“Aw, thanks so much.” You grab the cup from him graciously and take a sip, the warm chocolatey liquid immediately warming your insides. “This was a good call. I feel better already.”

“The sun sets in about an hour so we have some time to just walk around and talk if you want.” His cheeks are bitten pink, either from the cold or from bashfulness, you can’t exactly tell. “But if the weather gets too bad I vote for us to run to whoever’s car is the closest and get the hell out of here.”

You smile at him. “I second that vote.”

The two of you set off at a leisurely pace throughout the park, taking in the sights of the mostly empty playgrounds and the surrounding trees. You’re not typically a person who comes to the park when it’s cold like this, so you’re not used to the relatively low amount of people. A jogger or two crosses your paths every once in a while, but for the most part, you and Jongin are alone.

“How long have you been dancing?” you ask.

Jongin looks at you, surprised. You flush, feeling as though you’ve been caught. “I— I mean, I just assumed because…” 

You realize suddenly that you only know that he’s a dancer because one time you passed by an empty workout classroom at the gym and happened to see him through the window. The control that he had over his movements, the intense concentration on his face… it was something that you would not easily forget. This also means, though, that he has never explicitly told you that he dances, and you have just outed yourself as a possible creep.

“I’ve been dancing since I was a kid,” he supplies. If he has any thoughts about your observation, he doesn’t say it. “It’s… my favorite thing in the entire world.”

“Did you ever do it professionally?”

“No, but I did think about it once upon a time. I think I prefer it like this, though. I like having something to escape to.” He wrinkles his nose. “When I have a bad day at work, or if I’m just stressed, it’s just nice to have something that lets me turn my brain off.”

The two of you continue to walk around the park, the winter sun beginning its slow descent through the sky. The two of you talk about anything and everything, getting to know each other a little better. You talk about your day jobs, your hobbies and habits, slowly putting together piece by piece of who the other is. 

“I have a question about something in your note,” you say.

“Hm?” He digs his hands in his pockets when an exceptionally chilly gust of wind blows through. “What’s up?”

“You said you always thought I was cute, so I guess I’m just curious when you noticed me?”

“O-Oh. Oh, that?” Jongin clears his throat and looks away. “I guess I’ve always been there pretty late at night, and there aren’t a lot of us so you get to know the faces that stick around. You always catch my attention since you’re usually near my path to the practice room and since, you know… you’re so beautiful.”

You flush, suddenly finding the details of the trees around you so very interesting. “I was actually working up the nerve to talk to you when you called me over last week,” he continues. “So I’m pretty thankful that things worked out that way.”

The sun is beginning to dip below the tree line, and you and Jongin make your way up to the top of a hill. He spreads out the blanket and pats the spot next to him for you to sit. The sky is painted a pale orange, more saturated the closer you look down to the horizon line, the sun a burning sphere of light.

Jongin’s face is flushed, kissed by the cold nipping at his cheeks and nose. The late afternoon light dusts him in a golden hue, shimmering like glitter on his skin. He smiles at you softly. 

“Was this date super boring?” he asks.

“Not at all! I liked how low-key it was. I liked getting to know you.”

He beams. “I liked getting to know you too. I think we could get to know each other even better next time? When it isn’t so cold, maybe?”

You laugh, your breath turning frosty in the air. “Sure, Jongin. I’d like that a lot.”

The two of you fall into silence for a bit, just watching the sun slowly slipping out of view. You don’t realize your teeth are chattering until Jongin looks at you with a worried expression. “Too cold?” he asks.

“Just about,” you admit sheepishly.

“Jeez, you’re not even wearing gloves,” he comments, reaching his hand out for yours. “Can I?”

You put your bare hands between his gloved ones, giggling as he rubs them together to generate some friction, blowing on them too for good measure. You’re too focused on him to realize a few minutes too late that the sun has set.

“Time to go home?” you ask.

Jongin nods vigorously. “Agreed.”

You all but jog back to the parking lot, eager for some reprieve from the unrelenting cold, laughing a little more with each step. What a sight the two of you must make: two grown adults trying to strike a balance between a leisurely stroll and a full-on run, trying and failing to stifle their giggles. You finally make it back, and Jongin walks you to your car, still holding your hand in his.

“I had a really great time today,” he says, smiling. “And I don’t want to make any assumptions so I’ll just wait for you to let me know if you—”

“Jongin,” you interrupt, squeezing his hand. “I already told you I want a second date, remember?”

He laughs self-consciously. “Right. Somewhere inside.”

“Somewhere inside,” you echo. 

He laughs again, disarmingly endearing, and you find yourself unable to do anything but squeeze his hand once more, excited for what’s to come.

well, that was fun! want to try another?

The city still burned, on some nights the fire turned blue, on others, dark purple, poisoned by ever shifting clouds of molten acid.

It burned beneath the crumbled towers, where android and human had fought until there were no victors left to remember why.

That's where Jongin found Arisyn.

Kneeling in the dark between broken pillars and collapsed walkways, rain hissing as it struck her exposed conduits and split plating. Her synthetic skin had been torn open with deliberate precision, exactly where the Watchers blades struck. Decommissioned, discarded machinery, feared and misunderstood, her once unbreakable alloy gone, gold circuitry stripped away. What remained was left to the mercy of toxic rain, corrosion already eating into what had once been flawless.

“I will never run again.” Her voice faltering as it spoke, glitching between tones, as if each word fought to exist.

Her words felt final, yet something in her eyes searched for disapproval, for someone to tell her “No! It's not the end”

Jongin’s hand tightened on the hilt of his sword.

A knight without a king, bound by an oath to nothing that could name him. No longer human, or holy, he moved through the ruins as a relic of stubborn defiance, seeking redemption in a world that had forgotten the meaning of mercy, and why it ever mattered, refusing to die when so many like him had welcomed it.

He lingered in that space and time, an oddity, whispered about by survivors in the seedy corners of the citadel, a shadow slipping through portals and jump gates, always passing on, searching for a mission, a mercy or a death.

The war had taken more than banners and thrones, it had stripped him of his purpose. Without a king to serve, Jongin carried his vows like broken heralds, still heavy, still commanding, yet with no enemy left to face.

He wandered from ruin to ruin, chasing echoes of command that no longer came, haunted by the discipline drilled into his bones and the silence that followed its loss. Some nights he wished for orders, any orders, if only to quiet the hollow ache of choice. Other nights, he cursed the freedom he had bled for, drifting through a world that no longer had a place for knights and honour, only for survivors.

He lowered his hand and knelt before her, carefully untangling snapped wires and sparking circuits, the savagery of it slowing his breath. He cursed at deafened gods, as wires still charged carried a jolt through his fingers, then up arm and into his chest, waking every cell in its path.

Unaware of eyes upon him, he untangled her from the wreckage, whilst above, the Watchers gathered in silence, ominously creeping through the ruins, filling the shadows with their unnatural drawn-out stillness.

Their cloaked figures lined the upper walkways, unmoving, patient, foreboding. Men who had traded flesh for machinery in the promise of eternity, their faces removed and emptied of humanity, hidden beneath cowls of blackened chrome.

Amongst them stood the High Priestess Anthropeta. A serene, ageless, terrible master, beyond cruel, devoted not only to destruction but to undoing centuries of knowledge, piece by stolen piece, until nothing was left except a universal ignorance, a single, obedient mind with no will of their own.

Arisyn's source code was the final piece; The access buried inside her had the power to reshape the world, to bend it into something obedient and hollow and Anthropeta felt victory within her grasp, with each step she drew closer.

The first strike came without warning.

Energy blades screamed through the air, disintegrating stone and steel alike.

Jongin moved on instinct. His sword flashed, cutting down one Watcher, then another, and another, everything around him becoming a blur as sparks burst where steel met force, the impact ringing through the ruins, sharp and violent.

A blade caught his shoulder, then swiftly another tore into his ribs, then another pierced into his calf and another at his back, relentless hits until he couldn’t tell where the pain was coming from.

But he didn't slow, fighting on like a man who had already accepted death, pressing forward with reckless, brutal resolve, until synthetic blood darkened the fractured floor beneath his boots, Watchers falling under his blade one by one.

For a fleeting moment, relief brushed against him. Death was close, close enough to feel like rest, and part of him leaned toward it, craving the peace it'd bring. He was so very tired of choosing, tired of surviving without command of a crown, lingering after a war that had taken his king, and with him, the certainty of purpose. “Surrender!” He whispered softly to himself, promising silence at last.

But then his eyes found Arisyn's. Pleading, desperate, dreading the abandonment to a fate she didn't want.

Something older than despair stirred. Protection rose where the death-wish faltered, written deeper than loyalty, deeper even than grief. She carried a purpose, the way the world once had, ancient, guarded, enduring, and most importantly…hopeful. He could not lay down his sword while such meaning still breathed behind him. If he no longer lived for a king, then he would stand for what had survived, unbroken, when he had not.

Arisyn watched as his armour cracked, and his strength bled out with every breath, still, he stood, and he swung, each strike carrying a force that felt unhuman, as if will alone kept him upright. When the sword finally slipped from his grasp, he dropped to one knee, breath ragged, vision collapsing inward, knowing he had given his all.

Anthropeta descended the steps with unhurried grace, victory hovering within reach as she extended her chrome-plated fingers toward her prize.

Arisyn's ancient core drive, older than the wars, older than the empires that had risen and fallen and burned. Languages no one spoke anymore, histories of people erased from record, all the truths that were now buried to keep the present obedient and unknowing.

“No,” Arisyn whispered. “You are not worthy”, she added, helplessly covering her precious cargo, aimlessly swatting away the approaching end.

Unyielding, Anthropeta’s hand pressed against Arisyn's gold-plated chest, reaching for the faltering core.

Then something broke.

Ancient locks shattered within Arisyn, safeguards and firewalls collapsed by one and a foreign pressure flared through her frame, as her primary mother-board overloaded, ripples blazing white-hot, tearing free through every joint and seam. Then a single, high-intensity beam followed shortly, erupting from her chest, a scream of pure radiance sweeping across the chamber in a blinding arc.

The remaining Watchers froze mid-motion, synthetic bodies spasming as circuits liquefied and cloaks ignited, one by one falling where they stood, smoking ruins collapsing into silence.

Jongin did not hesitate.

Drawing on the last brutal surge of strength burning through his ruined body, he surged forward.

His hand closed around the hilt and with a cry torn from his chest, he drove the sword straight through Anthropeta’s cloak.

At first, his steel met resistance, then punched through.

The sound was wrong for the living, sharp grinding metal, followed by the wet crackle of severed wiring and failing power cells. Anthropeta stiffened, her mechanical breath catching, as sparks bled through her torn cape, unravelling in a hiss of dying circuitry mixed with synthetic blood.

The battlefield went silent, eerie and cold.

Ash drifted once more, the air tasting of metal and damaged ozone.

Jongin stood unsteadily, as the last of his strength faded away, and with it, the fury that had kept him alive. He stepped forward and lifted Arisyn into his arms.

His touches were careful.

Despite the tremor running through his battered frame, he held her as if she were fragile and irreplaceable, and not forged from metal and light, but made of flesh and blood. In the safety of his spent embrace, her systems dimmed, the glow within her fading to a soft, uneven pulse against Jongin’s chest.

Maybe that was it, maybe your sex life has been so dull and bland since that night that you needed the darkness that came with him.

“My tongue still remembers the way you taste,” Jongin says in a deep voice, a low baritone that sends shivers right to your core. “I remember how sweet you sounded as you came around my fingers, how you begged for more like it was the air you breathed.” He’s naked in all his glory and you try to rub your thighs together for friction – only to remember he’s got your ankles tied too, legs spread apart. His hands trace along your body until he stands next to you, one hand massaging your breast while the other strokes his solid cock. 

“Y-you remember me?” You don’t know why you’re surprised by this but you had assumed that he would have forgotten you in the midst of all his other exploits.

Nodding his head, he wets his lips, “you never forget your first.” He chuckles when your eyes widen, “you’re the only one to ever escape. The one who got away.” Jongin moves his hand down to your core, watching your face as you anticipate the stretch from his fingers. “Such a desperate little whore, aren’t you?” A warmth spreads across your face at the way he says those words, degrading but said with such a softness that you aren’t offended – it turns you on even more. “Why’d you come back?”

Those are the words that you are wondering yourself, the words that you are thinking at this very moment as fingertips tease along your hips and have you trying to encourage him lower. You could tell him the one reason that you’ve figured out, that you want to see stars once more but anyone could do that right? Anyone who is open and willing to indulge you could have your body grow limp as you shudder beneath them but… “I can’t stop thinking about you…”

Jongin barks out a harsh laugh as his fingers unexpectedly push into your dripping core. It’s amusing how wet you are, how easy you are when you’ve been through this and know how this will end. “So eager and willing to give yourself up for one night of pleasure?” He curls his fingers and presses them against your g-spot, giving you no time to relish in the feeling as he gives you what you’ve been wanting. Craving. “You’d let me do anything I want to you, wouldn’t you? My sweet little slut, so messed up that you think fucking the man who tried to kill you once is the only way to feel good.” His words are spoken like he’s talking to a loved one but the words themselves hit you in a way that you cannot describe.

You should hate it but you can’t. You shouldn’t want this but you do. It shouldn’t make you want more but fuck, you’re crying out for it as he has you on the edge of your first orgasm.

“Pathetic.” He scoffs, pulling his fingers from you and smirking as your eyes open in disbelief, body trying hard to tip over the edge without the previous stimulation. He brings those fingers to his lips as he tastes you, humming pleasantly as he remembers your first time together. “You are as sweet as I remember.”

Maybe he won’t kill you afterwards, the thought crosses his mind as he looks down at you and thinks about how he’ll never be able to get his fill again if he does. Maybe he won’t kill you but he’s certainly not letting you go again.

Not that you want him to.

The flight home left you with a lot of time to think. You had asked Minseok and Baekhyun to let the rest of the guys know about your meeting, telling them that Junmyeon could probably fill in more of the details that you’d left out when you’d broken the news to them. Your mind had been focused on getting to Minseok’s reward at the time, so discussing the feedback you’d received in great detail was not front of mind. 

Feeling overwhelmed with your own thoughts, you’d also asked them to tell everyone that you had requested some space. From them. You just couldn’t handle any of them right now. You’d assured Minseok & Baek when you’d all woken up the next morning that they hadn’t overstepped or done anything, but that your mind was too busy and too much for you right now. The internal storm had been brewing for quite some time but you’d constantly pushed it down, too busy to deal with silly things like the future, feelings and relationships. But once the tour ended and the rewards were completed (inconveniently on the same night) it all came crashing down on you. The floodgates had been opened and you didn’t know how to act normal and not drown in your own mind at the same time. You needed space to simply exist. Space to sort out your mind before you did something utterly stupid and reckless. You’d promised to never disappear on them again without talking to them, and whilst you felt a bit guilty for withdrawing from them like that you had provided warning, and as much context as you could. Baekhyun refused to let you leave until you promised him you weren’t self-destructing. That you weren’t going to disappear and not respond to them.

“You said you wouldn’t do that again. You said you’d lean on at least one of us when you were struggling.” He said, his eyes full of concern as he watched you nervously pace around the room.

“It’s different this time. I’m not sad, or feeling lonely or headed to a dark place mentally.” You stopped in the middle of the room as you tried to hold off the panic attack that you could feel building within you. You needed to go. You needed to be away from it all. You needed them to understand. “It’s just loud. And overwhelming. And I need time to be by myself to sort through everything.” 

“But you’re asking us to not contact you.” He looked down at his hands. “How will we know if you’re ok?”

“It won’t be for long. I hope. Just give me a week, then Minseok or Kyungsoo can check in to make sure I’m ok.” You said. 

“Why not me?” He asked so quietly that you barely heard the words.

“Because I know they’ll just check in with me and nothing more until I’m ready to chat.” You smiled at him. “You wouldn’t be able to help yourself. You yap. It’s just part of who you are.”

“I hate this.” He grumbled.

“I don’t like it either, but I’ll do it.” Minseok replied. He looked worried for you as well, but he could tell you weren’t going to bend on this request. He didn’t want to back you into a corner. He knew if any of them did that, they ran the risk of you running from them. He hated to see you struggle with your thoughts but he hoped he knew you well enough to know that you’d reach out if you needed to lean on them. Even if you weren’t ready.

“Fine. I’ll do it as well, but know that I truly do not like this. Not one bit.” He sighed, resigned to your decision. He realised his words may have come across too harsh when he saw guilt flash across your features. “I’m sorry. I’m not mad. I’m just worried and wish I, or any of us, could help.”

You nodded. “I get it. I would hate it if any of you did this to me. Trust me I feel shitty about it, but I need to go deal with some stuff that I’ve been putting to the side because I simply didn’t have time to process it.” You shifted nervously on your feet, itching to leave the room. You felt your heart rate increase, and breathing was becoming difficult. You had to leave before your panic was obvious to them. You weren’t sure why you were so wound up this morning, but you knew you just needed to get away from the people who paid too much attention to you. “I’m sorry, but I have to go.” 

You knew that they had conveyed your wishes when the group chat you’d been added to, one that had been busy that morning with members arguing over the best American breakfast sandwich, just stopped. The messages just abruptly ended. It left a bittersweet feeling in your heart. On one hand, they were only respecting your request for space to think, but on the other, having nine large personalities all fall quiet at the same time made you feel lonely. You hadn’t realised how much they had integrated themselves into your life, and you theirs until then. You might not see them every day but their presence was always felt. Through messages bickering with each other, reminding you to eat, dumb selfies, silly jokes, recommendations for movies or tv shows, unflattering photos of the others. They were always there. Until now. Now it was as though they’d all simply ceased to exist. It was weird. It felt wrong.

You’d travelled back to Korea with the other staff members. No one found that strange as there was no reason for any of the guys to request your presence for a lesson - the tour was over. You mindlessly watched movies until you fell asleep. Dealing with the onslaught of thoughts and feelings was not something you were going to do on a long haul flight. Having a breakdown 30,000 feet above the ocean was not on your bucket list. Did you shed a tear or two at certain scenes in the movies you watched because they reminded you of certain people? Maybe. But lucky for you the staff were all equally exhausted and happy to sleep for the majority of the return trip. Once you landed the guys were called to the company whilst you and multiple other staff members were told to go home and rest. You were beyond thankful to be told to go home because that was the only thing you wanted to do. You wanted the safety of the familiar four walls of your apartment. The comfort of your bed. Maybe all you needed was a really long sleep and then you’d be less of an emotional wreck. You didn’t think you’d overworked yourself but maybe you were wrong? 

It was quiet in your apartment. Not that that was a new thing. No, the new thing was that you knew it would remain quiet. There would not be a knock on your door from a bored neighbour who wanted to raid your snack cupboard and hide from their roommates. There would be no flurry of messages to your phone or late night calls. It was probably a good thing. If this feeling that you were experiencing, like teetering on the edge of an abyss of panic, was anything to go by then you were probably deluding yourself if you thought it was purely related to being exhausted from work. 

No, if you actually thought about it, you realised that it was the culmination of a few things. First there was the fact that your contract was over and you didn’t know what was next for you, or how their CEO would respond to the work you’d done. Second was the fact that you had been sexually intimate with each of the members. You thought you’d kept the interpersonal relationship side of things separate from the sex but now your mind was throwing every ‘what if’ in the book at you. Were they your friends?, were they colleagues?, did any of them now want nothing to do with you because you’d been with the others?, did any of them want more from you?, did you want more from any of them?, did you ruin everything? Your mind was in full spiral mode, with no exits in sight. You were unfortunately in for the ride, even if you did not want to be.

You knew you needed to sit down and dwell in your thoughts and work out what to do about the nine very special men who were woven into your heart, each one you had slept with, but did you feel something more than friendship and attraction to any of them? Was it simply a working relationship that you’d sprinkled some highly unprofessional fun into or did you have romantic interest in any or all of them? You’d avoided thinking about this very thing for weeks now, always telling yourself that you were too busy with lessons. Now you were forced to address it. No one would come distract you, and there was no work to be done, and if you didn’t address it? Well it seemed like you were destined for a full blown mental breakdown if you left it to fester.

You were officially off the clock until the CEO summoned you so you had nothing but time to sit and dwell on your thoughts and feelings. Naturally you decided to clean your apartment instead. Then reorganise the kitchen, do all of your washing, make your bed and organise your desk. It was when your thumb was hovering over the call button for your parents that you snapped out of your procrastination spiral and forced your brain to start unraveling the mess that was your relationship with the EXO members. 

Like every other time you’d had to solve a seemingly large problem, you took out a notebook and pen and began to make notes. It wasn’t a pros and cons list, rather, it was your jumbled thoughts spewed out onto a page. You’d always worked best with problem solving when you had something to annotate. You needed visual logic cues if you were to concentrate on this long enough to deal with it. When you looked down at the page it was one very messy web of unfiltered thoughts. Seeing it all on the page didn’t ease your worries like it usually did. For some reason this felt bigger, like it was more important than you could perceive. 

The crux of the issue still seemed to be that they were your friends before you took on the role of teaching them English, then after they became colleagues you rather quickly implemented the reward system. Then came the issue of involving sex, but honestly, apart from some prying and joking the guys hadn’t changed in how they acted towards you. If anything some were more affectionate with you but that was never in a sexual way. They understood that the system was there for the lessons and if you excluded Minseok and Baekhyun - all sex acts were contained within the lesson rewards or punishments. Yixing was playful, but only because he knew he could get away with it. He never tried for more than being close to you, and you knew he cared about you (especially since the day at the Han River, and because he wasn’t always around), but you didn’t think he was pining for you though it was sometimes difficult to gauge what he was feeling. Junmyeon was a gentleman and rarely brought up anything to do with the reward arrangement. Chanyeol, Jongdae and Sehun liked to make suggestive comments and jokes but that was mostly in. Sehun had been clingy before all of this anyway. Kyungsoo was another who was difficult to read. He’d never tried anything after the reward, but he was sweet to you, and very familiar with you in a way he hadn’t been beforehand. Jongin was a sweetheart before and after, and you were pretty sure his reward was just an experience for him and nothing more. Minseok and you… well that has basically been a friends with benefits situation however neither of you appeared to be trying to push that arrangement into something more at present. You were both more than capable of hanging out and not fucking. 

Baekhyun presented a whole other problem. Your relationship with him had never been normal. The sexually charged banter had been there from the very beginning and only built as things went on. The day at the Han River proved that he cared about you enough to find you and help you. You enjoyed his company which wasn’t to say you didn’t enjoy all of their company, but with him it was different. Wasn’t it? You weren’t sure. The relationship that grew between the two of you had been sexually charged thanks to your drunken flirting very early on in the scheme of things but he’d never shied away from it - as long as you weren’t a drunken mess. The flirting had continued and your encounters always seemed to teeter on the precipice of taking that next step, but ended in delayed gratification so it was impossible for you to decipher if you had felt so strongly because you’d craved his body and his touch or if it was something more.

You paused in your deliberations to order some food. All this thinking was making you hungry and your mother had always told you to never make important decisions while hungry. It was something you’d lived by and you weren't about to stray from it now. A decision made while hungry could very well just be the impulsive choice rather than the choice you might make once hunger wasn’t making you impatient. Hangry was never a helpful state to be in.

What were you even trying to figure out? Did you want to date all of them? Was that even a possibility? It would be hard enough to date one idol, let alone nine of them. How would that work? You knew people back home who were in successful polycules but like, they were on the smaller side and had a more even split of gender. That and the fact that they weren’t also hugely famous in a highly conservative country and would receive backlash for anyone they dated. If you dated all nine of them, you would be the only woman and as far as you were aware, none of them were all that interested in exploring each other in that way. Did you feel that way about them? I felt like it had to be an all or nothing situation for it to be fair. You didn’t ask your brain what kind of logic that was because it made sense to you at the time. So would you be ok if you didn’t pursue anything more with any of them? Would remaining close friends with them be enough for you, or them? God you hadn’t even considered if any of them were romantically interested in you. How embarrassing would it be to make a decision only for it to be the opposite of their decision? Could your heart handle that rejection if you were dealing with freshly discovered feelings? You stood up and did a full body shake in a feeble attempt at releasing the building anxiety from your body. You needed to focus on one question at a time. Were you romantically interested in all of them? 

You weren’t sure. It was complicated. 

If you didn’t want all of them, would you be fine with just being friends with them? 

Again, you weren’t sure. All this thinking was making your head hurt. The lack of answers you were providing yourself wasn’t helping your anxiety in the slightest. Maybe you should just finish your food, go to bed and try again in the morning? You probably had jet lag. That couldn’t be helping. 

Did you want any of them in that way? Did any of them want you in that way? If you were just friends with them, would you be ok watching them date other people? Could you be happy for them? Your heart felt heavy and you were no closer to working out why. You closed your notebook and got into bed, hoping the cocoon of your blankets could wash away some of the worries and panic. 

Sleep was elusive. You tossed and turned for what felt like the entire night because you could not switch your brain off. It wasn’t supplying any new information nor was it being productive in any way. No, instead it was showing you all of the worst case scenario outcomes from your possible decisions. Thoughts of being doxxed for dating any of them, sasaengs hurting you or any of them, calls from antis to have the group disband or certain members thrown out. All of it haunted your sleep deprived brain. When your thoughts drifted to the possibility of you being deported over dating any of them, you finally heaved a sigh, called your mind an idiot and somehow fell asleep. It was more likely that you passed out from exhaustion at that point, too drained mentally to remain conscious. The dreams were just snapshots of all these awful thoughts. Your subconscious must have felt bad for you as it sprinkled in small glimpses of the happy endings where everything worked out. Little bursts of colour surrounded these moments, like it was really trying its best to show you there could be good outcomes. 

Warmth and laughter in their company, locked lips and entwined limbs, waking up in someone’s arms, secretive dates, happy smiles. Small glimpses of building a happy home together, of not dating but still hanging out and enjoying being with your friends. Feeling whole, and loved. Even dreaming you were no closer to a resolution than before. 

A new day brought distractions. So be it if those distractions were ones you forced upon yourself, they were still distractions dammit. You took yourself out for a walk in a feeble attempt at clearing your mind only to find yourself standing in front of an aquarium in Gangnam. Water always grounded you when your thoughts became too loud, and since you couldn’t sit at the beach, staring out at the waves for hours like you could in your hometown, an aquarium was the next best thing. Something about walking through enclosures below the water with sea life surrounding you was calming. It was serene and quiet. You allowed your mind to go blank as you made your way through the different exhibits, reading the fun facts that were put next to each enclosure. 

You learned about the sharks that could reproduce asexually, never needing the company of others to keep themselves afloat. Sharks were always so interesting to watch. A terrifying predator who seemingly feared nothing, but to you they were also these goofy looking creatures because of their teeth. There were too many and they were too sharp but it also made them look kind of ridiculous when they were simply existing. You had an appreciation for them. They were unbothered creatures, content to simply exist, only attacking for survival whether that be for sustenance or to defend themselves. They let specific creatures into their personal space, never attacking them, but seeming to simply coexist. Those suckerfish - that you now found out were actually called Remora - helped the sharks and in turn the sharks helped them. It seemed like a simple relationship. You imagined that one day they just attached themselves to the sharks and never let go and for some reason, the shark just let it happen. 

The tropical exhibit was vibrant and massive. You had to stop yourself from reciting lines from Finding Nemo lest you appear like a crazy foreigner talking to themselves. You knew a lot of the facts about these creatures from your studies at school but there were some things they had left out of your textbooks, probably to avoid teachers having to explain certain concepts to children. Concepts like polyamorous fish. Yeah, those existed. Well, technically the marine biologists simply documented that certain species of tropical fish mated with multiple partners. So one couldn’t explicitly state that the fish were polyamorous, but maybe that term was better than saying the fish were swingers. It was a ridiculous concept to think about. The inner working relationships of fish. Maybe you were losing your mind. 

You moved on to see the seals being fed. You always found them to be a deceptive creature. ‘Looks like a friend but is most definitely not a friend’ was the label you’d always associated with them. Growing up you’d been to a marine park and been in awe of the cute seals who did tricks for rewards in the form of fish. You even had a photo with a seal posed next to you. You remembered that it was heavy, very wet and its breath stank of fish, but it was pretty chill. Your cousin snuck you into a section you weren’t supposed to go to, where they were rehabilitating other animals - mainly dolphins and seals. He knew about a specific seal species that looked adorable and said he wanted to show it to you. He left out the part where this particular species ate penguins and other seals. He waited until you were home, talking to anyone who would listen about the world’s prettiest seal, about how they must be the sweetest and most amazing seals to ever exist. He waited until you were so enamoured by them that you were almost going to claim them as your new favourite animal to show you a section of a documentary of that specific species hunting. You had nightmares for weeks. Thankfully the seals in this enclosure were not the leopard seals of your childhood nightmares. It did remind you to call your cousin to catch up and remind him of how much he terrorised you as a child. 

You spent way too long watching the penguins in the arctic exhibit. They appeared to be nesting, at least that was the conclusion you arrived at. There were penguins lying in little circles made of rocks and ice, a nest you supposed, while their mate searched the enclosure for the perfect pieces of ice and rocks before bringing them back and placing them in the nest (you assumed they were mates since they kept returning to the same nest, never straying to a different penguin. That and you knew penguins mated for life, so if they weren’t mates then they were definitely courting the penguin they thought could be their mate). It was such a simple act but you found that you simply couldn’t leave the viewing window, entranced by such a simple act of love. 

When you finally left the aquarium a few hours later you felt more at peace than you had in weeks. By no means was your mind clear, but the chaotic tornado that had taken up residence in there was now more of a light breeze as all your worries quietened down, allowing you to logically sift through them. You allowed yourself to believe that you had in fact, been successful at teaching EXO English. The tour was successful and you hadn’t been required to step in very often during their ments or interviews. For a group with poor prior experience with learning English you had basically done the impossible. You managed to let go of the stigma that had clouded your mind for the past few weeks that was constantly telling you they were only succeeding because of the sex, but really if all they took from your lessons was the sex then they still would have failed miserably at their ments and interviews. Something you did stuck, and whether it was because you were someone they knew and trusted was kind of beside the point. You took the time to learn how each of them would learn the best from you, and tailored sessions to maximise their recall of their ments. And it fucking worked. You should really allow yourself to feel your oats more often than you did. The cloud of self depreciation that had been looming and trying to take root was dissolved. You did a good job. Others had told you so, you knew it to be true. You just had to be consistent in telling your self doubt to go fuck itself when it next tried to diminish your achievements. You felt a little lighter than you had this morning, one less voice causing chaos in your mind.

Riding on your good mood, you decided to take a walk through the nearby night markets, enjoying food from the street vendors and looking at the pretty wares others had on offer. You resisted the urge to buy gifts for the guys - this was a day for you, not a day for you to revert to stressing over if you would be giving a gift as a friend, as a romantic partner, or as a farewell. For now you simply took in the craftsmanship of the trinkets, clothing and jewellery on offer - deciding that you would go to more night markets in the future. The streets were so full of life, bustling with a palpable energy that was infectious. You loved it. The streets were illuminated with soft and pretty lights, making you feel like you were walking through a little fairytale rather than the streets of Seoul. It was an impressive feat for this small section of such a bright and bustling city to achieve. 

Eventually you decided it was time to begin the journey back towards your apartment. You wanted to call your family, possibly a friend as well, just to update them on your life as a translator overseas. Now that you actually recognised the work that you had done you knew you could feel confident talking to them about it. Talking about it to someone outside of the business might also help bring other things you were worried about into focus. You headed home with your head held high, finally feeling good about the work you had done these past months. 

Speaking with your parents and your closest friend back home helped you unpack more of your thoughts. Ones you wouldn’t have realised if you hadn’t had to conceal certain aspects of your life over here. Describing the boys as acquaintances then colleagues felt weird and wrong, but you knew you had to hide the friendship to an extent. After all, they didn’t know how damaging that kind of news could be if it got out and they would not feel the need to keep that information to themselves. You knew they’d just say you were overreacting if you told them not to tell anyone about it, so you simply kept that from them. It was easier this way even if it felt off. They meant more than you could tell your parents.

You’d always worried that your family wouldn’t be proud of you for taking a job in a foreign country and leaving as quickly as you did. You’d expected to cop an earful from your mother for not calling her more often but you were pleasantly surprised to hear how many questions she had about your work - how was your boss, how did they assign clients, were they treating you well, were the hours humane, were the conditions fair, did you get sufficient pay and time off. The list was endless. You answered all of her questions to the best of your ability without breaching your contract or giving away incriminating details. Your father wanted to know all about your living conditions, was it in a good neighbourhood, was the security good, were you safe, were you being smart when you left the house. You allowed him to nag you since that was his love language - fretting about his daughter's safety. He even convinced you to hang up and call again on video so you could show him your apartment and so they could see your face, to make sure you were being truthful about eating and sleeping well. Definitely not because they also missed you terribly. Once you had appeased them, promising no less than five times that you were keeping out of trouble, were eating well and getting enough sleep, did they allow you to ask them questions about life after you left home. It was comforting to talk to them, even if it made you miss them terribly - you longed for a warm hug from each of them more than you wanted to admit. You dodged questions of romance, citing that you were far too busy with work to date. You also had to explain how dating culture was different here, and once they knew how much faster relationships began your father was much happier to know that you weren’t dating. You’d die if he knew what you had been doing though. 

You eventually told them that you were at the end of the current contract you were on and that you were awaiting a final evaluation to see if the company you had been on contract with wanted to keep you on for other projects or if your boss would be assigning you to a new company to work with new artists. Your father could tell from your voice that you were feeling anxious about being in limbo. He told you to rest assured that you did the best work you could, and that your successes would be noticed. He told you that if they renewed your contract that would be great because you already had rapport and knew your way around the company building, feeling comfortable with that environment but he also told you that if they didn’t, that it wouldn’t take long for your boss to find you a new company because of your achievements on your current contract, and that change wasn’t a bad thing. It could lead to bigger and brighter things. Your mother was always good at talking out the minutiae of a problem with you but your father could pinpoint what you needed to hear and ease your busy mind. It was a trait you were thankful he had because it was what you needed right now. You talked for a long time after that, catching up on everything you had missed in their lives, on tv shows, the news, gossip around town. Your mother could harp on about anything if you let her. Eventually you had to try and wind up the conversation, you did have another call to make after all. After promising to call more often they let you go so you could call your closest friend. 

Speaking with her went exactly as you thought it would. First there was a lot of nagging about how you never called or told her anything, how you’d abandoned her for the rich and famous clients you had. That you’d probably snagged some uber rich and hot guy and forgotten all about little old her. Then came the endless I miss you’s followed by all the things she’d been dying to tell you. You got wildly sidetracked as you caught up on her life, her new boyfriend, her work, her plans and seemingly endless tangents. She was the kind of friend who could easily take over a conversation, something she had often had to do in the past. There were times where you just preferred to go quiet and let others lead the small talk. You preferred topics that interested you when meeting new people because you had something to contribute, and surface level conversation kind of bored you. You could do it, and did when work required it of you, but in your personal life you were often much more reserved in conversation with strangers. There was probably something to unpack there but you chose to ignore that for now.

You went through a similar interrogation about work and life in Korea with her, though she pressed for far more details than your parents did since she had some idea that you were working with idols. You managed to avoid incriminating yourself in any way but you knew this would not be the last time she pressed you for information. She had a knack for knowing when things were left unsaid, and boy did you leave a lot of things about your situation unsaid. When you got to the topic of your current employment potentially coming to an end she made similar points to your father, though she added that the more people you worked for in the entertainment sector, the more likely it was for you to meet some amazing guy. You almost choked on your laughter at that. Once again you had to promise to contact her more often before she would let you get off the phone with her. 

[9:21PM] Your bestest friend in the world: Don’t think for a moment that I didn’t pick up on the fact that something is going on with you.

[9:21PM] Your bestest friend in the world: I won’t push you for an explanation yet, but know that I’m here for you love. Anytime. 

She was too perceptive for her own good. You hated and loved her for it.

[9:21PM] You: Nothing gets past you does it? I should have known you’d pick up on it. I’m not ready to talk about it yet, still wading through my thoughts etc. But thank you bby. ILYSM <3

[9:21PM] Your bestest friend in the world: <3 Talk to me when you’re ready to unpack everything in that pretty little head of yours. ILYSM2

The calls left you feeling even more grounded and settled in your emotions. Your mind continued to be quiet and calm as you got ready for bed, hoping you would get a decent night's sleep and continue your ‘me’ time tomorrow. After all you still had to wade through your feelings about the guys, where everything between the lot of you stood now and where things were going. You weren’t sure that you could fully work out your feelings without talking to them, which could go horribly wrong but you were just too confused. You knew one thing for certain, you had to tell them that there had to be no more sex related things between any of you until this whole thing was worked out. That obviously meant no stress relief fucking with Minseok, but also had to include suggestive comments and jokes. You just weren’t sure if anything could be taken at face value, or if there was more to it.

You promised yourself that if you still felt calm and clear in your thoughts by tomorrow afternoon that you would reach out to the guys. Sure they were giving you space now, but you weren’t so naive to believe that this would continue if you reached a week with zero contact. Sure Minseok or Kyungsoo would message you but you’d rather not let it reach that point if you could help it. You knew them well enough to know that they’d start to worry, and then they’d jump to conclusions that it was somehow their fault that you weren’t talking to them. That was something you wanted to avoid. You weren’t the only one capable of spiralling in your thoughts.

***

Thankfully sleep came easily for you. The bed was comfy, the sheets a perfect texture and the room was cool, allowing you to snuggle into a blanket burrito and sleep deeply. You awoke the next day feeling well rested and more at peace than you’d felt in weeks. You promised to give yourself until the afternoon to make contact and you planned on honoring that self imposed promise so you headed out on another stroll since the weather was yet again pleasant. First stop was the coffee shop for your daily dose of sugar in liquid form (also known as an iced chocolate) and a flaky pastry. Today that was a blueberry danish. With your tasty treats in hand, you set off through the closest park, hoping to find a duck pond to sit by while you ate. There was no reason or tradition for the dunk pond, you just liked being near water when you wanted to get lost in thought. 

As luck would have it, you did find a pond, sadly barren, with no ducks, but it still had the desired effect of being an idyllic backdrop for you. You made a mental list of the things you needed to complete before returning to your apartment. 1. Get groceries so you could cook yourself some meals for the next week. 2. Buy some new clothes and accessories before the season changes so you wouldn’t be caught out. 3. Visit a nearby corgi cafe so you could give some fluffballs your love. 4. Buy a couple of gifts to send home to your parents and closest friend. It wasn’t too overwhelming, but it should keep you occupied until it was time to reach out to the guys. You probably wouldn’t check off the final item today, that would require a future visit to the night markets. 

Groceries were reasonably simple. After talking with your family you suddenly craved a simple western meal so you’d decided on some pan cooked chicken with roasted vegetables and a salad. If you seasoned each chicken breast slightly different it would change up your meals enough each night for you to not grow bored of them. You managed to successfully buy some new clothes and accessories to put away for the next season and then spent two blissfully happy hours at the corgi cafe. You were constantly being prodded with little paws or wet noses asking for pats and treats. You were quite literally covered in fur but you didn’t care. They were so cute and getting to spend time with them really filled the part of you that desperately wanted a pet. You’d have one one day, when the time was right and you could dedicate yourself to training and giving them all the affection in your being. 

With a little tri-coloured corgi resting his head on your lap you let your thoughts drift. When would you get the call from Mr. Kim? At this point you just wanted to have your meeting so you could stop weighing up the uncertainty of your professional future. Once that was set then you knew you could much more easily discuss where things either should or should not progress with the guys. That moment of clarity for what you wanted in that respect remained elusive. You knew that you wanted them in your life, and whilst the thought of nothing more than friendship didn’t entirely sit well with you (you still couldn’t pinpoint why that was), you knew you could do that if that’s all they wanted from you. You felt something for each of them but you hadn’t fallen hard for anyone, a feat that you thanked your guarded heart for immensely. There was closeness, attraction and lust but no deep romantic love. You could see yourself falling if you opened your heart to it and if it was reciprocated by them, but for now you were safe from heartbreak if they didn’t have interest in you like that. 

You’d thought about what you’d do if more than one, or oddly if all of them wanted some sort of arrangement with you. You’d decided that you weren’t opposed to the idea, but only if certain ground rules were in place to keep everyone safe.  If they were opposed to a more polyamorous relationship then you would step back and remain their friend. You refused to allow them to fight and potentially damage their relationships with each other - both personally and professionally - over dating you. It could be seen as a clinical approach but the reality was that they were at the peak of their careers right now and you would not allow the prospect of dating you to get in the way of that. You weren’t that important, you couldn’t be. There was also the secretive nature of whatever relationship you all moved forward with. Male idols were not supposed to be close with other women, that only led to dating scandals which was another thing you wanted to avoid at all costs. 

Ultimately you had to talk to the guys and lay all of your thoughts out for them. They had to know where you stood and then you had to give them time to work out where they stood and what they wanted. Would that be an awkward as fuck conversation? Yes. Was it necessary? Also yes. It was time. No more radio silence. No more dwelling. You quickly sent off a message before you could talk yourself into taking another day to sit with your thoughts. 

[6:13PM] You: Are you guys busy?

The response was almost instantaneous. You hoped that didn’t mean they were hanging out by their phones waiting to hear from you. 

[6:13PM] Junmyeon: Noona! It’s nice to hear from you :)

[6:13PM] Junmyeon: We all just got home. Do you need something?

His words calmed you a little. It was his usual routine to check his phone as soon as he got home. Then he did his best to ignore it for a few hours, only answering if a manager or family member called.

[6:14PM] You: I was hoping I could come up and have a chat with everyone?

[6:14PM] You: But like, only if you’re all free and ok to have me over. I’m sure you’re all still tired.

You might be offering to have this meeting but that did not mean you weren’t incredibly anxious about it. You’d kept your thoughts at bay for almost two days but as soon as you put the talk on the table all of your fears resurfaced. What if they were mad at you? What if you’d read too much into this relationship? What if you caused a rift in the group? You didn’t want to be EXO’s Yoko. 

[6:14PM] Junmyeon: Nonsense. Come on up.

[6:14PM] Junmyeon: They’d kill me if I didn’t invite you up here and you know it.

[6:14PM] Junmyeon: All I’ve heard since we boarded the plane is whiny men. Get your ass up here and put me out of my misery!

You laughed at that. You could practically see him pouting as he typed the messages out to you. It didn’t seem like they were mad, but a small part of you also began to worry that they were too prone to overreacting. You shut that down when you reminded yourself that you’d basically cut them off cold turkey right at the end of the tour. The only people who had spent time with you after that final concert were Minseok and Baekhyun, and only them and Junmyeon knew about your meeting, unless they’d told the others about it. After all you had said they could do that. 

[6:15PM] You: It’s barely been 36 hours. You guys are maybe a little too codependent on me.

[6:15PM] You: But fine, I’ll be up in like 30 mins. Is that enough time for you to round everyone up?

[6:15PM] Junmyeon: You know we love you, but it was the radio silence and request to not contact you that sent them in a tailspin.

[6:15PM] Junmyeon: Not that I’m mad, just to be clear. I get it, but they lowkey freaked out.

Yeah, that checked out. You needed to just get home and go see your ragtag bunch of idiots who seemed to care about you more than you ever thought they would. However you also need to stop whatever attempt at ‘down with the cool kids’ lingo Junmyeon was trying to achieve. He already got teased enough for being the old man of the group and poorly inserting lingo that was clearly out of place in his vernacular was not going to help him.

[6:15PM] You: Don’t say lowkey, that’s not who you are. 

[6:15PM] You: Sehun is probably the only one of you who can get away with saying that. Chanyeol and Baekhyun think they can, but the jury is out on whether or not they can.

[6:15PM] Junmyeon: I’m going to ignore that slander of my character. I’m up on current slang. 

You actually facepalmed. Why was he like this? WHY.

[6:16PM] You: Seriously. STOP. You are in no way helping yourself here.

[6:16PM] Junmyeon: 30 minutes is fine. See you soon. 

[6:16PM] Junmyeon: Just to check though, should I be emotionally prepared for some heartbreaking and serious talk? You rarely ask to speak to all of us at once.

You supposed it could come off as a we need to talk moment given the lack of context you’d provided. And it kind of was that, but also not? You really didn’t want them to freak out. Nine guys fretting would be too overwhelming for you.

[6:16PM] You: Semi serious, but nothing heavy. I just want to explain myself and where my head has been at so you all understand why I kind of just disappeared.

[6:16PM] Junmyeon: Bet. See you soon then <3

[6:17PM] You: You are too old to be saying bet. Who is teaching you this shit? You know what. Don’t answer that. Just stop saying ‘trend’ words. We both know you’re not cool enough to pull them off. No offence.

[6:17PM] You: See you soon. <3

[6:17PM] Junmyeon: Wow noona. Harsh. My lingo is on fleek, it's rude of you to not realise that.

[6:17PM] You: I’m never going to speak to you again. 

[6:17PM] You: And I might have to cause bodily harm to whoever taught you this lingo.

You locked your phone before you cringed at any further attempts at current slang were sent to you. It was go time for you. Whether you were ready or not (you were not), the conversation was happening. Time to get your butt home and face the music. So to speak. You just hoped you weren’t about to fuck it all up. 

***

Nine pairs of eyes stared back at you from the various spots in the living room. You stood awkwardly in front of the tv as you contemplated whether or not to find yourself a chair or if you were just going to stand here and speak. The choice ended up being made for you as Yixing brought a chair in for you to sit on. It was still placed in the centre of the room facing all of them, but it felt a little less intimidating to sit before speaking. Yixing’s fingers brushed over your shoulder, giving it a light squeeze, before he moved back towards his place on the lounge. 

You cleared your throat and decided to approach this as you would remove a bandaid - quickly. You knew the guys were all wondering what the cause of your no contact rule was and the sooner you put them out of their misery the better. It would be better for you as well because you would get at least this part of the conversation out of your brain. Your time at the aquarium had helped clear your thoughts, as had your walk through the city. You weren’t so sure if the evening sitting in your apartment spiralling in your thoughts helped, so this was your attempt at preventing that from happening again tonight while still putting some space between them and you while you sorted your shit out.

“I uh, I want to apologise for not speaking with any of you properly before we flew back from the tour.” You held up a hand to stop the immediate chorus of responses that were coming from the guys. “Please let me get all of this out before any of you speak otherwise I don’t know if I’ll be able to get through it.” Nine heads nodded at you and waited for you to continue. 

“I got really in my head about everything and needed to take a step away from all of it, from everyone, while I tried to settle my thoughts.” You started. “First I worried that I hadn’t done a good job because I’d been unprofessional, but after I let myself spiral I realised that wasn’t true and that I had done a great job. I didn’t get to tell you after the last show ended but I could not be more proud of each and every one of you. Your English improved SO much and whilst a certain amount of that is on me, a huge part of that is on you for applying yourselves to the lessons and the study in order to make those improvements. You should also all be really proud of yourselves for the progress you’ve all made.” You couldn’t help but smile at them, pride shining through you. You were truly impressed at the work they’d put in and the results they’d shown in such a small timeframe. “Were part of the lessons and some of my conduct unprofessional? Yes, but I now believe that none of those things hindered your progress, nor were they the sole motivation for your improvements. Whether I’m wrong or right about this, I’m now choosing to believe that they were a pleasant bonus to all of this.”

Time for the big reveal. The thing that had been weighing on you, causing you to nearly have multiple panic attacks. The thing you were most scared about admitting to them. Would they thing you were overreacting or crazy? Would they understand? “My relationship with all of you also began to get muddled in my head by the end of the tour. We all met before I took on the role of teacher and prior to that we were all friends, and with more than one of you there was also an undercurrent of flirtation - regardless of whether any of us were going to act on it or not. Then I became someone who worked for you, who was quite literally on call for if you needed a lesson, in any setting and at any time of day. We were still friends but it did alter the relationship with you. Then I added in the reward/punishment system and that kind of threw a spanner in the works. We were all close, but inevitably when you add physical intimacy or sex to the equation it blurs the lines. My brain kept spiralling between ‘are we friends, colleagues, fuck buddies, in a relationship, did you never want to see me again, were you going to fight if any of us wanted a romantic relationship…’ so yeah, after the last night in America I withdrew into my head and just needed to be with my thoughts - as much as I really really really did not want to sift through them. I knew I needed to for the sake of my mental wellbeing. I hadn’t realised it but those thoughts had been building for quite some time and after all the lessons were over and all rewards or punishments received, those thoughts were relentless and overwhelming. I couldn’t ignore them any longer.”

You couldn’t stop talking. If you did, you were pretty sure you’d bottle everything up until you did what you were best at, running. It wasn’t a fair thought to have, but sadly you were in no state to control the cruelty of your thoughts. You just had to keep speaking and once you finished you hoped they understood. “As I’m sure Minseok and Baek told you, I had a meeting with the managers and Junmyeon to discuss my work and for feedback to be provided. Without going into too much detail, the meeting went well, but my future with SM hangs on your CEO. He was sent video of your ments and interviews while overseas to review as well as feedback from the managers, staff and yourselves. I will either be let go and my boss will find me a contract with another company - which will mean we won’t see each other as much or as freely - or I’ll be kept on one of two contracts with SM. Either an exclusive contract with EXO with allowances for freelance tutoring in my free time within SM, or a contract with SM where I would not be assigned any specific group but would be available at the company to provide lessons for existing artists and trainees. Either of those options would mean we would see more of each other, but the latter would mean we would not be able to speak as freely as we do now with each other.”

“I spent a lot of time stressing about what I wanted to happen and what possible scenarios could happen but I guess professionally any option is good for me as all options mean I remain working in this field and helping others improve their language skills. I stress over large changes in my life, not sure if that is something I’ve ever mentioned, but it’s a thing. Obviously.” You scoffed as you made a vague gesture at yourself and the clear state of stress you were in. “Personally, I don’t want to lose what we have. I cherish each of you and love that we’ve still been able to hang out and play around while we’re all working. I know we’d make it work if I have to go to another company but I know we would see each other significantly less than we do now.”

You took a deep breath. You hadn’t looked at any of them while you spoke. You knew if you saw their eyes you’d stop speaking. So you just couldn’t. Not yet. What if they looked at you with pity, anger, happiness, disgust, or worse - indifference. You could rationalise it if they felt something, but seeing them feel nothing when your mind had been fucking chaos might just be the straw that broke the camels back. You didn’t look at them. “So to sum up, I overthought everything, stressed, spiralled and withdrew from all of you which may or may not have been the right thing to do but I’m here now. I should know in a few days where my future lies work-wise but wanted to open the floor to discuss whatever this relationship we all have now is because I don’t think it is something I can resolve by myself. We don’t have to discuss it now, but I want you to think about it. I don’t know if you view me as a friend or as someone you want to pursue something with, or someone you no longer wish to see. I’m sorry to just dump all of this on you but I need to put it all out there, as much as I can right now anyway.” 

You’d done it. You’d told them what had been going on in your mind. Mostly. You hadn’t discussed your feelings but you’d mentioned all possibilities so that had to count for something. You really just wanted to run and hide, to become invisible rather than be perceived right now, but you knew you had to remain in your spot and hear what they had to say. No matter what it was. 

Chanyeol was the first to speak. He ran his hands through his hair as he tried to keep his tone even. “Not going to lie, this is a lot. I think I speak for all of us when I say that, and I think you know that. I appreciate you opening up to us about what was going on in your head, I'm sure we all do, even if it does leave us with more questions and discussions to have.”

You nodded. It was a lot. You knew it. You’d lived with all of it in your brain. It was only fair to give them time as well. That’s why you’d said you didn’t need to discuss it now.

Minseok was next to speak, he smiled softly at you, his own way of trying to calm your nerves even now. “I don’t think it’s something we should talk about tonight. You know as well as we do that we can be impulsive and that discussions can get heated quickly if we haven’t had time to choose our words. As weird as it will be I think we all need to take some time to think about what we want, and what will work best moving forward.”

You nodded again. You’d used all your words in speaking to them and now could bring yourself to speak. 

“This is going to sound shitty noona, and for that I’m sorry but I don’t think there is a diplomatic way to put it, well at least not one that I can think of right now,” Junmyeon said, sighing as he had to be the guy to say it. “but we do need to consider how it might affect the group if one or more of us are interested in pursuing you, especially if it means some may be rejected. At the end of the day, EXO has to come first, and god I know that’s a shitty thing to say, but it’s something we need to think about and probably talk about amongst ourselves. No offence.” You knew someone would have to raise that point, and it was a valid one, one you’d thought about as well. It did make sense that it was their leader who was the one to say it. After all, he always did put the group above everything else.

You had to speak, nodding wouldn’t suffice in response to that. It would only make him feel like a jerk and that was the last thing you wanted him to feel. You cleared your throat and hoped you said the right things. “All valid points, and don’t worry, there’s no offence taken, Junmyeon. I’d also thought that you should all take some time away from me to think over what you want and to discuss with the group. If one or more of you wanting to pursue me would negatively affect the group then I don’t think anything more than friendship is possible.” 

You paused. Would they think of this option if you didn’t raise it? You weren’t sure. But if it helped them with their deliberations then it was worth the level of embarrassment you were about to feel by simply suggesting it. “I guess the last thing for me to put out there is that after some thinking, I’m not opposed to exploring the possibility of a polyamorous type of situation if that is something you guys land on. However, I’m also not opposed to monogamy or just friendship with all of you. It might sound like I either don’t care that much or that I don’t know what I want, and the latter is somewhat true, but I did draw a line between what we were doing in the rewards versus hanging out outside of that and it prevented me from allowing too many feelings to take root. I’m not sure where any of you stand and I don’t want to know right now either since all of this” You gestured with your hand, waving it vaguely to indicate all of you. “Is so fresh and we all have a lot to consider, or not consider. I don’t know.” Breathe you told yourself. You had to breathe or you’d panic before this conversation ended.  “I’ll hopefully have a follow up meeting in a couple of days and then will know what will be happening with the work aspect of my life. I think we should meet once I know that side of things and chat again? But if you need more time, I would completely understand.”

Not much was said after that. The air was tense and awkward as you all kind of forgot how to act around each other. You stayed for a little while to hear about the plans for their encore concert but as soon as that conversation topic dwindled, you said your goodbyes and headed back to your apartment.

It might be time to call your friend. You were more confused after that meeting and once again on the precipice of a breakdown. You couldn’t wade through this on your own and you couldn’t ask one of the guys for help because this was about them. You couldn’t tell your friend every detail, but you could tell her enough. 

[10:49PM] You: So uh, are you free for that chat?

[10:49PM] Your bestest friend in the whole world: For you? Always. 

***

You awoke the next morning to the sound of a text message notification on your phone. You rubbed your eyes as you tried to focus on the name of the contact who sent the message. You sat up in your bed as soon as your eyes managed to make out that the message was from your boss. Hopefully it was the message you’d been waiting for.

[7:42AM] Mr. Kim: Good morning, I hope you have had sufficient time to relax since returning from the overseas tour with EXO. I had a meeting this morning with SM’s CEO, Lee Soo Man about your performance under the current contract you have with SM and what his thoughts were for your potential future prospects at the company. I’ve scheduled a meeting for us at midday at my office. I’ll see you in a few hours to discuss. 

If you were half awake at the start of that message, you were wide awake now. Of course a meeting is called the day after you dropped what felt like a literal bomb on your nine upstairs neighbours. You had just over four hours to freshen up and get yourself over to his office. Not that you were nervous… not at all… not even a little bit. It wasn’t like the outcome of this meeting determined the future of your career or anything. No, shut up. You tried telling your mind as it attempted to spiral before any form of carb or sugar entered your system. You repeated your father’s words over in your head as you picked out clothes for the meeting, a simple and professional outfit that you would not anxiety sweat through before you even reached Mr. Kim’s office. You showered and got yourself ready for the day and whatever it would bring. Maybe it would be better once it was all over, then you could stop overthinking and fretting about every possible outcome. That wasn’t how you liked doing things but it seemed to be what happened whenever it was important to you. When you cared.

Just before you left the apartment you sent a message to the group chat so that everyone was kept up to date.

[10:25AM] You: Hey, just a heads up that I’m on my way to a meeting now. LSM has made his decision and I’ll know my work fate in a couple of hours. I know I suggested meeting again after I had my meeting but given I literally only proposed everything to you last night, I’ll bench our talk until you guys have had time to deliberate and all that. Just reach out when you want to chat and I’ll make myself available. 

It felt clinical and not how you’d ever spoken to them when there was no one to overhear your conversations. It felt like how you spoke to them when one of their managers was present. It felt wrong and something in your heart hurt. There was no response, but you could see the members slowly reading your message. Sehun reacted to it with a thumbs up message which then spurred everyone into chatting, mainly to scold Sehun but seeing the chat alive again felt right.

You put your phone on do not disturb mode as you approached Mr. Kim’s office, coffee in hand. Not the iced variety that was so popular among idols. No, the purpose of this coffee was not to keep you awake, rather it was to give you a caffeine hit as well as comfort you with its warmth. You were always nervous when it came time for a performance review, but unlike last time with Blackpink, you were a lot closer with the members of EXO and their staff. Unlike last time you knew that you had done your job successfully, you’d been present to witness the members grow in their language skills and watched them deliver their ments to their American audiences with little to no translation required. The only slip was the night Baekhyun forgot his lines, but the following shows he required no assistance.

Once you arrived, Mr. Kim’s secretary ushered you into his office, telling you he was just finishing up a meeting in another room and would be with you shortly. Thankfully you did not have to wait long before he entered the room. He smiled and greeted you warmly then moved to sit at his desk. You’d been in this room a few times now and it was always nerve wracking. 

“Once again I can tell that you are eager to hear your evaluation.” He chuckled.

You nodded. “Apparently my face hides nothing from you.”

“Actually your face is not what gave you away, it was the fidgeting fingers this time.” He pointed at your free hand which was unfortunately fidgeting with the buckle on your handbag.

Your fingers stilled, but you itched to keep busy with something. Anything to get the frenetic energy out of your system. “You got me. Now please put me out of my misery already and give me my evaluation.”

Lucky for you, he prided himself on business and got right to it. You never had to endure too much small talk with him. It was a much more pleasant experience than the managers you had back before moving here. They seemed to want to spend up to ten minutes chatting about nothing before switching to business mode. That was not the Mr. Kim way. His way was better. For you at least. Mr. Kim pulled a file up on his computer and turned the screen so that you could see it as well. “As you already know from the last time we did this, we assess you in three areas. 1. How well the tasks were performed 2. How you worked with the clients and 3. Work ethic/professionalism. I’ve reviewed the recording of the last meeting you had during the tour as well as received feedback from the SM CEO.” 

He clicked on a file and opened it. “This is a review of the tasks performed. As you can see, it was unanimous across the board that you have excelled in this area. You successfully prepared the members for their interviews and concert ments, improving their English significantly. You joined the group on tour and no issues were reported by staff or the members, nor did you appear in any fan reports or cause any scandals.” He paused to look at you, a knowing smile on his face. “But you already know this from your meeting with the managers and Junmyeon. I’ll only add the feedback from their CEO. He said he was impressed that someone of your young age was able to successfully complete these tasks to the level that you did, he made special mention of the tailored lessons as a genius move on your part. He noted that whilst it would be an arduous task for all clients, it worked for EXO in ways no one expected. They have not had this level of success in teaching a group that didn’t already have a member with a decent grasp on English or a native English speaker. He was also very impressed that you were able to fit in and work seamlessly with a well established team.” Mr Kim paused, signalling that you could now speak before he addressed the next criterion.

So far things were going well. Logically you knew that you had succeeded in your role, but it was always a relief to hear it. Hearing from your boss and the head of the group's company eradicated the last of the anxiety you felt about your ability as a teacher. “Thank you Mr Kim. I felt that I was succeeding in my role and I am glad to have that confirmed by the head of their company, but I do have to ask what he meant about my age?”

“Most translators or teaching staff that are brought in are older than you. Especially when it comes to English. There is a greater risk when idols are involved and most companies specifically request someone over 40 to be assigned so that there could never be any misunderstandings around the nature of the relationship.” He replied.

Your brow furrowed. “Then how did I get the job? I’m significantly younger than that, even if I’m still older than the members.” 

He smiled smugly. “Ah well that was me. I know companies prefer older staff, especially when they are working with the opposite sex, but I had a hunch that you would succeed where others had failed with EXO. Their CEO reluctantly agreed to trial you and had to admit he was pleasantly surprised after receiving the one month evaluations of the members progress.” 

Noticing that you weren’t going to add any more to that discussion, Mr. Kim moved on. He scrolled through the document until he reached the heading indicating the second criterion. “Before I move into discussing the external evaluations I would like to say that I am personally very impressed that you took on the feedback provided after your time with Blackpink and applied it to EXO. You managed to become more familiar with them and it shows in the reviews from the others. I strongly believe that this improvement is what made this job such a success for you.” He gestured towards you. “So I wanted to commend you on the large improvement in this area.”

You smiled. “Thank you Mr. Kim. Your advice was intrinsic to the development of the tailored lessons as well as my comfortability in becoming closer with the members so that we could work together to the best of our abilities.”

“As you know from the feedback from both managers and members, you exceeded expectations in this area, and everyone benefited from your approach. The CEO questioned whose idea it was for you to become closer to the members and expressed the concerns he had about it. Once I explained that it was feedback that you had been given from myself and the reasons why I felt it would improve outcomes, especially given your closeness in age to any 2nd or 3rd gen idols in comparison to the on staff teachers who were usually around the same age as the idols parents he understood. He stated that whilst he had his reservations about that kind of approach given the potential issues that could arise, dating scandals, sasaeng accusations, unprofessionalism etc. he could see how it worked in the members favour. The group had undergone quite a few hardships prior to this comeback, with members leaving and dating scandals damaging their public image. He stated that they were likely to be quite reserved and untrustworthy of someone new to their staff and that it would take a long time for them to begin to trust a new staff member. However, you managed to make them feel comfortable and not lose the authority you had over them as their teacher, whilst remaining respectful at all times. He said he was very pleasantly surprised by this.” He sat back in his chair while you processed his words. Mr. Kim had only had meetings with you a handful of times before this, but he already knew to let you take a moment while his words sunk in before having you respond. 

A weight lifted off your shoulders. Yes, you recalled the nature of the meeting you had with the managers and Junmyeon whilst overseas, but your brain had managed to twist their inarguably positive feedback into statements that you had turned over in your mind repeatedly as you second guessed every moment you’d spent with the members. Knowing that the CEO was reviewing all of the work you had completed overseas had stressed you more than you had realised. It was as if you could feel the tension leaving your body every time Mr. Kim read out his feedback. 

“I’m glad my efforts have been recognised, and that I’ve shown improvement in this area. I also understand the concerns their CEO had. We had meetings with the members and their managers regarding safety and security of both the members and myself to ensure no photos were snapped if we were not on a schedule. The last thing any of us wanted to do was bring negative attention to this working relationship. We also discussed at length the boundaries we should draw in order to not become overly familiar with each other and I believe that assisted greatly.” It wasn’t a lie as such. You really did have those meetings and you really did discuss those boundaries. It was just the managers weren’t present for the third meeting which involved you and the members working out how to put each other in line if any of you slipped and a glimpse of how close you really were slipped through. It was a miracle nothing ever happened in view of other staff or the public, but there were a couple of close calls. You’d all been very lucky in that regard.

Mr. Kim powered on. “On to the final point, we’ve never had any issues with your work ethic or professionalism, and neither have the members or managers. Their feedback was passed on to the CEO, who praised you for being available at short notice in order to fit with the members busy schedules. He was also very happy that the members did not abuse this clause in your contract but rather made sure the others were aware if one of them had required you early in the morning or late at night so that they could avoid overworking you.” Mr. Kim closed the document. “I’ll be honest, he got rather sidetracked at this point and spent a good ten minutes praising his EXO boys. I can assure you that he was very pleased with both your work ethic and professionalism. He agreed with the manager's statements that you clearly succeeded at your role, exceeding all expectations that were had of you.” He chuckled as he shook his head. “But once he starts talking about those boys it is hard to shut him up. You’d think they were his sons sometimes.”

You allowed yourself a pleased hum at the feedback you’d received. High marks in all areas of assessment. Exceeded expectations, exemplary results. “Thank you Mr. Kim. I’m very glad that my hard work paid off and that my approach was successful for the members.” You paused. “However, as much as I want to just bask in this feedback, I am too curious about my contract. Did their CEO happen to mention if he planned to renew my contract, or are you finding me a new group to work with?” You needed to know, and you needed to know like two weeks ago at this point. 

Mr. Kim, to his credit, did not outright laugh at your impatience. Instead he opened a drawer and pulled out a manila folder. “I understand that this must have been weighing on your mind these past few weeks.” 

You nodded. “You would be very correct.”

“He did come to a decision. I won’t draw this out as I can tell you just want me to get to the point. He was incredibly impressed by your determination and competency, and as we all know, the results speak for themselves. He does want to offer another contract, however it would differ from your current one.” He stated.

“How so?” You asked.

“Firstly, this contract would not commence until three months from now.” He explained. “They want you to continue your work with the company, working with all of their artists. EXO would take priority if and when they have any overseas schedules that would require them to speak English. The rest of the time you would assist whichever groups or artists he deems in need of your skills. You would also offer lessons in the company like you did whilst EXO were in Japan during your contract.” Mr. Kim slid the folder across the table for you to pick up and look over. 

“I am grateful to have the opportunity to continue to work with SM. Like I said in my meeting overseas, I have been treated exceptionally well by their company, its staff and idols and welcomed the opportunity to continue working with EXO, be assigned to another group within the company or as an in-house teacher/translator.” Well there it was, they had offered another contract. You could keep working for SM, potentially with the guys as long as their schedules required English, but you’d still be in the same building as them. There was a decent break before commencement which was nice, but you did have concerns about your income. Not working for three months would be a struggle for you financially. “I do have questions regarding the three month break in between contracts though.”

“I believe my next statement should cover whatever concerns you have.” He directed your attention to another section of the new contract. “During that time, SM has stated that they will contact you for freelance work if/when required but that you are also not exclusively bound to the label during that time, so you can assist other companies and artists. This will allow you to continue to earn income and gain further experience in this field. I will also say that you will find in the proposed contract that your fees have increased. I did not consult you on that, but felt that you had every right to request a higher rate given the success of your work thus far. I would encourage you to take a break for a couple of weeks, more if you wanted to take this opportunity to visit home, before letting me know you are ready for some more work with other artists. I do have one group in particular that I think would work for this short timeframe. They have not yet debuted but they do have varying levels of proficiency in English, varying from fluency to what is taught in our schools here.” He waved a hand in front of his face as he realised he’d said too much. “But that is a discussion for another date, I’m getting ahead of myself.”

You smiled, genuinely too. This was wonderful news and it settled a large part of your anxiety to have secured more work, especially work that would require little change. “Thank you Mr. Kim. I’ll take this contract home to review but it sounds promising. I think I will take a couple of weeks off to rest and recuperate, but I would like to request a clause be added to this contract. I understand that I may have some further changes to request, but I’m reasonably certain this one won’t already be in there.”

“What would that request be?” He asked.

“An allowance for one or two weeks of consecutive leave within the next 6 months for me to visit my family. I’m not ready to make a trip home yet, but I know I will be during that time period and I don’t wish to be told that I cannot go. I would provide sufficient notice for the leave, unless there was an emergency, so as to not hinder the progress of their artists' lessons.” In your mind it sounded reasonable, and you’d heard of difficulties with obtaining leave from work in Korea, so you wanted to safeguard yourself as best as you could. 

“I’ll have our lawyers make the addition. We’ll hold off sending it to SM until you’ve read through the contract and made any other amendments.” He stood and shook your hand. “You’ve done well so far, and I continue to be impressed with your work.”

The meeting ended shortly after that which you were glad for. The feedback was self esteem boosting, and proved to yourself that you had done a great job, that your hard work had not only paid off but had been noticed. You also managed to tell yourself that your closeness with the guys wasn’t the sole factor for your success, they really did suck at English before your lessons and whilst the sex during the rewards and punishments was great, you were pretty sure you couldn’t learn a language purely from fucking. Somewhere along the lines, your lessons struck a chord with them and they wanted to learn, so they did, and it stuck. That was a job well done by you. 

After you left Mr. Kim’s office you put your phone back in normal mode.The group chat had been busy these past few hours. Message notifications flooded your phone as you began the commute home. They had pinned a message so that you wouldn’t miss it once you finally checked your phone.

[11:48AM] Minseok: Please tell us when you finish your meeting. Kyungsoo wants you to come up for dinner so you can tell all of us what the outcome was. 

The messages after were a chorus of predictions and bickering. 

[11:51AM] Jongin: I think SM will do another contract.

[11:51AM] Sehun: Well duh. They’d be stupid to let her help our competitors.

[11:52AM] Jongdae: Noona could make some sweet demands if they offer a new contract.

[11:52AM] Kyungsoo: Yeah, make SM work for it. Lord knows they’ve fucked over too many idols in contracts. If they offer a new one MAKE A LAWYER LOOK AT IT.

[11:53AM] Yixing: Make demands of your own too. Make that thing benefit you, coz if they offer a new contract it means they want to stop you from working with other companies.

[11:53AM] Chanyeol: MAKE. SM. WORK. FOR. YOU. You’ll have the upper hand and they don’t want you to know that.

[11:54AM] Baekhyun: Yeah, fuck SM!!!

[11:54AM] Junmyeon: Guys… 

[11:54AM] Minseok: Idk man, all I see is valid points being made.

[11:55AM] Junmyeon: I… you were meant to be on my side Minseok.

[11:55AM] Minseok: I never promised that. 

[11:55AM] Minseok: Fuck SM. 

[11:56AM] Kyungsoo: So I think we might be doing the opposite of encouraging you to consider taking another contract with them if they offer. What we mean to say is, have someone look over the contract, make some demands (because they have to acknowledge your worth now) and know that our disdain for our company comes from the nature of idol contracts which are VERY different to the kind of contract you would be offered. 

[11:56AM] Junmyeon: Thank you!

[11:57AM] Kyungsoo: Stop making me do your job man. 

There were another 500 messages after that (which you did not read), but you made sure to send one as requested

[3:30PM] You: Holy crap that is a lot of messages. No offence but I am not reading through all of them. As requested, I’m letting you know that I’ve finished my meeting. I’m heading back to the apartment now. What time do you want me up there for dinner?

[3:30PM] Kyungsoo: Food should be ready at 7 PM. 

[3:30PM] You: I’ll see everyone then.

***

“Noona, can we talk before you come up for dinner?” You’d picked up on the first ring when you’d seen Baekhyun’s name pop up.

He sounded unsure of himself, which was a rarity. “Sure Baek. Is everything ok?”

“I think so? I hope so.” He groaned in frustration. “Ugh I don’t know.”

Now you were getting concerned. Was he ok? “What’s going on?”

“I’ve been thinking about everything you talked about last night and I think I understand why you had to just unload everything all at once to us.” He took a deep breath. “My brain has been working too much and making too many scenarios for me to keep up with.” 

Well that you could relate to. You really didn’t wish the clusterfuck that had been your thoughts over this past week on anyone, so you empathised with Baek if he was suffering with the downward spiral that too many thoughts inevitably brought. “I get that. Would it help if you just tell me everything?”

He was quiet for a moment as he thought over his options. Quite likely he was worried that speaking to you would only make things worse. That’s precisely what made you a nervous wreck before you word vomited all over their living room last night. “Maybe. Might make everything worse, I don’t know.”

You tried to sound reassuring. It was always easier for you to provide comfort in person or via text. Over the phone was some strange middle ground where you didn’t always stick the landing. “It’s just me. Since when have we ever not been able to talk to each other?”

“You’re right.” He said. “Fuck. Ok.” Yeah, he was nervous. Should you be nervous? Was he about to reject you? Was he going to confess? No. You needed to remain as calm as possible. He was the one allowed to freak out right now, not you. 

You pushed your growing anxiety down and said as reassuringly as you could. “I’m right here. Promise.”

You heard him take a steadying breath before he started speaking. “I guess I’ve been trying to work out where things stand between us.” He said. “It’s never just been friendship between you and I. There was always flirtation and we only got bolder with it as time went on until we had sex, which I know was as a result of my lesson, but I don’t know, we only had the lesson because we were about to fuck and you stopped it from happening until after that. I guess it felt like more than just because of the reward stuff I guess. It felt like something that was inevitable, like we were orbiting each other until we would ultimately collide.” He took a breath, meanwhile your heart was hammering in your chest. 

“I know we’ve discussed it and both agreed that there was something more there, some kind of feelings neither of us had addressed. I don’t know how you feel now, but for me, after we slept together those feelings only intensified. I still didn’t know what they were so I just assumed they were born from lust but when you asked for space and then went silent for days I realised that they weren’t feelings of lust. I realised that I care deeply for you and the very thought of you not being in my life hurt me to my very core. I know it was just sex for you and everyone else but for me, I can’t say for sure, but I think I like you as far more than a friend and would not be satisfied just being a fuck buddy. I know I said I would never entertain us ever being able to actually be a real thing but I want that so much that it is physically painful. I needed to tell you before we all talked tonight because I want to be selfish and pursue you myself but I don’t know where you stand. I don’t know if I’m making a fool of myself right now and you’re thinking of the nicest way to reject me or if you don’t know how you feel or if you feel the same. All I know is that I barely slept last night after I realised all of this and I had to say something.”

“Baek,” You started.

He didn’t let you get the words out, not that you even knew what those words would be. So maybe him interrupting you was for the best right now. “I know this is a lot to dump on you, I know that, but I needed to say it.”

You weren’t sure if you were ready to tell him everything you realised on your call last night. It was still too confusing. Still too fresh. But you also couldn’t leave him hanging with nothing after he just poured his heart out to you. “You know I have feelings for you, just that at the time I didn’t know what those feelings were.”

“Have you worked it out since then?” He all but whispered, as though he was scared of what your response would be. 

You couldn’t say it yet. You couldn’t say it until you believed it yourself. It wasn’t fair to him, but you couldn’t bring yourself to utter the words back to him. Not yet. “I think so but I’m not sure. I am so scared of ruining everything Baek.”

“I’ll let you think some more, but I want you to know that for me it is about much more than sex now. So think about how you feel and ask yourself if you feel the way you feel about me with anyone else?” He tried his best not to sound deflated, but you didn’t miss the pang of hurt in his voice as he spoke. He’d just confessed to you and whilst you hadn’t rejected him, you hadn’t reciprocated his feelings. You felt overwhelmed. You needed to say something, but what? What could you possibly say when you weren’t ready to admit how you felt, when you were too terrified to ask for what you wanted.”

You had to say something. For him, you couldn’t just leave him with nothing. “I -”

He cut you off again, though this time it was probably out of fear that you would reject his confession. “Don’t answer now. Just think about it and we’ll talk later. Bye noona.” He hung up before you could attempt to speak again.

You hung your head in shame. Why couldn’t you just tell him? You didn’t realise you were crying until you felt a tear hit your hand. You sank to the floor and let yourself cry for a few minutes, too overwhelmed with emotion to even try to stop the tears from falling. You felt guilty for not being able to tell him how you felt, for feeling like you were toying with his heart. This sweet, funny and endearing man, who had been so good to you. When he needed you the most, you’d choked. You didn’t deserve the feelings he harboured for you, how could you if you couldn’t even respond to him. How could you be deserving of that love when you all but pushed him away. 

By some stroke of luck your eyes weren’t too red or puffy when you checked them before leaving your apartment. You really hoped your night didn’t end with you returning to this apartment to cry over a ruined relationship. There was only one way to find out, and in order to do that, you needed to walk out your front door and head upstairs.

***

“Alright, how did the meeting go?” Sehun broke the silence that was permeating the dinner table. Everyone had greeted you when you’d arrived, and made some small talk about their day. That felt strange. You’d never lacked for conversation with these men, but now they seemed to be walking on eggshells around you and you weren’t sure if it was because they were trying to protect themselves or you from where this evening went.

Regardless, you decided to put on a brave face and do your best to hear them out without breaking down. You felt exposed, fragile and breakable. But you pretended otherwise as best as you could. You just hoped they couldn’t see through the facade. “Really well. The feedback was all very positive and everyone agreed that I did an excellent job. Your CEO expressed his concerns about my boss and the managers suggesting that we be more personable but he agreed that the fact that we did that probably served as a catalyst for the success of the lessons.”

“That’s fantastic news!” Jongin said, far louder than he or anyone else at the table were prepared for. Everyone, Jongin included, jumped a little at his volume. He muttered a bashful apology afterwards, stating that he was just really happy for you.

You smiled at him. He was so very different to what the general public saw when he was onstage. He was soft spoken and endearing beyond words. “I’m also really grateful for the feedback you guys provided. I didn’t get a chance to say it before so I’ll say it now, thank you. Your words meant so much to me.” It was the honest truth. You had no idea that they would be asked for feedback about your work, and while they could have provided generic positive feedback they didn’t. Instead they provided in depth feedback about your abilities and how well you had worked with them. You would be forever grateful for the kind words contained in their feedback.

Kyungsoo decided to add to the conversation, his soft yet commanding voice cutting through your thoughts. “Bias aside, you earned that feedback. We did our best to only give the facts and not let our friendship cloud our opinions of you.”

“You cannot deny that we sucked at English before you noona.” Chanyeol quipped, laughing as he spoke.

Junmyeon looked personally attacked by his words. “Speak for yourself!”

“No, he’s right. We were bad at it.” Minseok laughed. “Like really fucking awful.”

Yixing pushed the food around on his plate with his chopsticks. “Anyway, uh, not to be pushy or anything but did you talk about what’s next for you?” He briefly locked eyes with you before diverting his gaze back to his plate.

“Yeah we did. Uh, they offered me another contract.” You saw all nine heads suddenly turn towards you and felt their gazes on you. “I do have to read over it and make sure it's fair but essentially they want to put me on contract for another 2 years. If EXO has schedules requiring English, then me teaching you takes priority over other groups, otherwise I’m free to work with any artists under the SM umbrella. Your CEO may assign me a group to work with, or managers may request my help. If no one requests then I’m kind of an in-house teacher/translator.”

Jongdae grinned. “I’m not going to lie, I’m glad they offered you more work, they would have been idiots not to, but it does mean you won’t be a stranger.”

Minseok was more hesitant as he spoke.“What are your thoughts on it, just based on the offer given you haven’t read it yet.”

You sat back in your chair, contemplating your response. “I’ve only had good experiences with SM so far, so the offer sounds good to me. I know a lot of the staff, I know the building, the resources, I know some of the artists, obviously I know all of you and work well with you. It feels like a good choice over starting anew elsewhere and hoping that I’m treated as well as I am here.” You smiled a little. “Plus, I get to see you guys if I’m still here, that’s a bonus.” 

A smile finally formed on Minseok’s face. “I know we may have come across a bit brash earlier but,”

“Oh don’t worry. I already had a copy sent to a lawyer to look over it, and I also made a request for a leave allotment to be added into the contract.” You cut him off, already guessing what he was referring to from the earlier flood of messages. “Once I read through it myself I’ll discuss it with my lawyer and make any other changes that need doing then return it to Mr. Kim to negotiate for me.”

The unanimous response that came from all of them was creepily synchronised. “Good.” 

You thanked all of them for their kind words again. “The contract won’t start for a few months, so until then I’m likely going to be freelancing. Mr. Kim has an idea of another group I can work with briefly before I become exclusive to SM. I think I’m going to take a couple of weeks off before committing to any of that though. I need some time to recalibrate.” 

“Uh I guess that brings us to the elephant in the room.” Junmyeon said.

You waved your hands in front of you, not sure you would ever be ready for this conversation, but after how well the contract renewal offer had just gone you were apprehensive about the ‘what are we’ conversation. “Oh, we really don’t have to talk about it yet. I only mentally unloaded on all of you last night so if you need to take more time before discussing with me, please do.”

He chuckled awkwardly. “That’s the funny thing I think. Without really realising it we have discussed it over the past few months as things progressed.”

“Oh.”

He straightened in his seat and looked directly at you. “Yeah. We kind of realised that last night when we started trying to discuss it.” He shifted, trying to get comfortable in his head. That was the only sign you had that he was equally as nervous about this conversation as you were. “I think we should each just speak for ourselves and then go from there?” He offered.

All you could do was nod. “That seems fair.” This was happening. You weren’t sure you were prepared for it, regardless of what they said. 

“As the leader I’ll go first.” He shifted again, this time his eyes looked everywhere but you as he spoke. “I, well, uh, I’ve actually just started seeing someone. It’s very early days but I really like her and want to pursue things with her. My parents introduced us and weirdly we kind of hit it off, which is not what usually happens when my parents play matchmaker.” 

You thought you’d feel sad at being told someone wasn’t romantically interested in you, because that’s what this was right? He was dating someone and he really liked them. But rather than feeling like you’d been stabbed in the heart you felt happy for him. “So at present, pursuing anything other than friendship with you isn’t something I’m interested in. I also think we work better as friends and don’t want to lose the relationship we’ve got. We did have the least amount of sexual interaction so I don’t think it will have any impact on our friendship moving forward.” Once he finished speaking he lifted his gaze to you, apprehensively since he wasn’t sure how you’d react, but he visibly relaxed when he saw you beaming at him. “As long as a potential relationship with another member or members doesn’t leave anyone unsatisfied from the start then I give my blessings.”

“Are we going in age order?” Sehun asked.

Chanyeol replied. “That’s boring, just go in seating order.” 

“Fine.” Sehun sighed, resigned to his fate of being the next to speak. “Noona, I cannot deny that my punishment was fun and that I experienced more than I ever thought I would. But for me it was never that deep I guess.” He shrugged. “The punishment/reward was an opportunity to explore some fantasies with no strings attached with a person who I trusted. I think I’d be a shitty boyfriend to you as well, I can barely take care of myself, and it wouldn’t be fair to you to put up with that burden. I’m not boyfriend material yet.” He wasn’t wrong about that. He always turned up unannounced, never read the room, stole all your chocolates and sulked if he wasn’t the centre of attention. Well, not always, but it happened more than it probably should. Maknae privileges. “However, I am excellent bestie material. So I’d like to remain a very good friend to you.” You’d been rejected as a romantic partner but once again, you didn’t feel sad. Sehun was an excellent friend to have. He loved chatting so he always had good gossip and he was so beloved that he could almost get away with murder. He smiled softly at you, hoping you weren’t disappointed in his choice. 

Kyungsoo took a sip from his glass of water before grounding himself and speaking. “There are circumstances where I could see myself truly falling for you. You have a lot of the qualities that I look for in a partner. But I have to be truly honest with myself, and if I do that then I have to say that right now, I am so insanely career driven - both with music and acting. It doesn’t leave much time to fit in a relationship in a way that is fair to either person.” Logical reasoning. You understood that, but much like you had forced yourself to do last night, you wondered where his heart lay in this. “Our reward was incredibly fun, and something I would do again in a heartbeat, but it would be with no strings attached. I value your friendship above everything else and I also think that whilst you put poly on the table as an option, and it is not something I’m opposed to, I can’t ignore the fact that Baekhyun clearly has feelings for you that run deeper than I originally thought. So I think it would be unfair to pursue anything with you to see if feelings develop when one of us is already carrying that torch for you.” 

You were shocked. Baekhyun barely even reacted to Kyungsoo’s words, something that unnerved you. You could feel him staring at you. Was he that obvious to them? Had he told them? Kyungsoo wanted to simply remain friends, and if he wasn’t so aware of how Baekhyun felt then he would have been fine to have a friends with benefits kind of situationship going on. You weren’t really sure what to do with that information. It was very flattering, but did you want to entertain someone who wasn’t sure if they had feelings for you? 

Too impatient to wait to see if you were going to respond to anything that had just been said, Jongin began speaking. “You have been one of my closest friends since the start. You looked after me when the guys were on tour while I was injured and we hung out so much. I think we bonded over fried chicken and movies.” He smiled fondly at the memory. “You were one of the first people that I’ve met since we debuted who wanted to know me for me, not for who I was as an idol. I agree with hyung, there is a future where I could see myself falling for you under the right circumstances, you’re kind of loveable like that noona, but I would trade that possibility in an instant for your friendship. It means the world to me. I also think there’s one of us who has real feelings for you and it makes me giddy to think of the two of you together.” Did he also mean Baekhyun or was there another member harbouring feelings for you?

The chair next to Jongin scraped on the floor as Jongdae tried to adjust his sitting position. If he’d been going to cool, calm and collected - he’d failed. He looked stressed beyond belief. Was it him? Did he have feelings for you? “Ok so, like the others I cannot deny how highly I value your friendship,” Ok so not him then. “or the fact that I am a person with two working eyes and have spent too much time around Baekhyun to not notice his feelings for you.” You glanced at Baekhyun who still seemed to be checked out of the conversation, even with his eyes locked on you. His gaze was somehow blank and intense at the same time. Did he not care what anyone else was saying about you? Was he really going to be that selfish? He said he wanted you to himself but did that mean that if anyone else at this table confessed that you’d have to reject both of them? Because if he was going to be this indifferent, especially when they kept talking about his feelings for you, then surely picking one person would only lead to a rift forming within the group. “All of that said, I’ve also kind of been seeing someone. And I like her, like a lot, like an insufferable amount. 

Minseok saw the opportunity to chime in. “He dreamt about having kids with her last night.” He smirked.

Jongdae looked mortified. “SHUT UP. Um, yeah. So that’s a thing and I just want my friend who I can ask questions to when I’m about to fuck everything up with my possible future wife. God I sound lame, I’m just going to stop talking now.” He sunk down in his chair, put his forehead on the table and banged it against the wood a few times. Minseok and a few others tried really hard not to laugh at him, but they failed miserably.

Chanyeol’s eyes darted around the table as he decided to try and pull focus from Jongdae, who appeared like he was waiting for the ground to open up and swallow him whole. “I uh, yeah I’m not dating anyone per se, but I’m also not looking to be tied down in a relationship right now.” Sehun snorted. “God, I sound like such a fuckboy saying that, but I think you kind of awoke some sort of confidence in me and I just want to play the field.” You heard a muttered “And absolutely no one is surprised you moron.” from Kyungsoo and had to stifle a laugh as Chanyeol continued to speak. 

“I care for you a lot, and I know one of us cares deeply for you so I want to leave things with us as friends. You’re interesting and fun to be around, you’re competitive in silly games and aren’t a sore loser. Hah, I could probably learn a thing or two from you there. Anyway, yeah. That’s me done.” Again someone saying that another member had feelings for you, but not specifying who. So did he mean Baek or did Yixing or Minseok also harbour feelings for you?  You were surprised how at peace you felt with everyone only wanting friendship from you - so far. Kyungsoo admitting he’d fuck you again in a heartbeat had shocked you. That man was usually much more reserved than that. 

Yixing was sitting next to you so he turned to you as he spoke. “Ah my sweet lady. I like you a lot,” He took your hand, his thumb caressing the back of your palm gently. “and honestly if I let myself I could so easily fall for you, but I’m also a workaholic to a fault. I have such high ambitions and drive for myself that I tend to fill up every minute I’m not on a schedule with more work.” He laughed. “If it weren’t for these guys, I’d probably forget to sleep.” He paused and you felt the room somehow grow even quieter. What the fuck was he about to drop on you that everyone else this still? “I’m also headed back to China in a few weeks and, ah this sucks,” He hung his head, clearly upset about having to leave Korea again. “I don’t know when I’ll get to come back this time. The political climate has never been great between our two countries but right now it is really tense.” 

Ah, that explained the feeling in the room. He was leaving and no one knew when or if he would return. You felt sad. You were going to miss him a lot, as were the rest of the guys. He always worked too hard when he was away from the group because no one on his team in China seemed to grasp how hard he would work himself unless they forced him to stop and take a rest. You returned your attention to the man in front of you. He sighed sadly. “So I’m going back and working on music as a soloist, working on some acting projects and would hopefully be back next year for our new album, but it's all kind of up in the air. I couldn’t burden you with any of the long distance crap and it wouldn’t be fair to either of us to even try to date and explore any feelings we may have when there would be such difficulty actually seeing each other. It will be a big enough strain on our friendship so whoever does end up dating you has my full support as long as they let me smother you with hugs when I return.” You were confused. His words made it seem like if it weren’t for returning to China, that he would want to date you, but he hadn’t said that he had feelings for you, just that he could see himself having feelings. Was it kind of like Kyungsoo’s situation? You let go of his hand as Chanyeol pulled him backwards into a big hug.

Minseok tapped you on the shoulder to get you to turn towards him. He smiled softly at you then took a deep breath. “Alright then.” He started. You knew he hated airing his business in front of others so regardless of what he was about to say, it was likely stressing him out. “Ah, well you and I probably had the most sex out of the group given the fuck buddy arrangement we’ve had going on. It was mostly stress relief and if we weren’t to have a physical relationship anymore, I don’t think it would drastically change our relationship. I value my movie nights with you over sex so ultimately I don’t want to lose my friendship with you. I trust you implicitly and we’ve both seen each other's ugly sides and haven’t run away from them. I could see circumstances where we pursue a romantic relationship, but like yourself, I haven’t really allowed my feelings to come into play so I’d be content just being your friend.” He glanced towards Baekhyun, who was staring at you. “Like the others, I also cannot ignore Baekhyun’s feelings towards you. I in no way want to come between what could be something beautiful between the two of you.”

Baekhyun doesn’t speak. He hasn’t said a word since you set foot in the dorm and he hasn’t averted his gaze from you the entire time. You could feel it boring into you while everyone spoke. He hadn’t said anything to correct anyone about his feelings for you and it seemed like he had no plans to speak in front of them either. You gave him a few moments to see if he was going to say anything, and noticed the way the others all looked towards him when he chose to remain silent.

You decided to respond to everyone else. Just because Baekhyun was choosing to be silent for the first time in his life didn’t mean it was fair to leave the eight other men in the lurch after they had all just told you how they felt. They needed to know how you were feeling about everything. “Well ok, this makes everything easier. After we spoke last night I did a lot more thinking about our relationships and where I wanted to stand with each of you. I came to the conclusion that your friendship means more to me than anything else and so with that, I was going to say that I think it is for the best that we don’t sleep together anymore. It kind of worked out well that all of you landed on that conclusion as well. Like some of you said, there are circumstances where I could see myself falling for you, but I’m also aware of how that would not be fair to explore, given everything. I love each of you in my own way, and I’m so happy that I get to keep my friends.” You could actually hear the en masse exhale that they let out once they heard you speak. They hadn’t hurt your feelings and everything was going to be ok. “The only thing I’ll ask, actually no - it’s more of a demand at this point - is that you stop being so awkward around me now. Things can go back to how they were, just don’t cross the line into being too inappropriate.”

They all laugh and agree, and just like that the strange tension that had surrounded the dorm disappears. However, one cloud of tension remains, concentrated solely around Baekhyun. He dropped his gaze when you’d spoken and hadn’t lifted it from the floor since. If anyone was worried about Baekhyun’s silence, they didn’t show it. You’d have to take him aside and speak with him soon enough. You’d promised to talk to him tonight. 

You continued to tell everyone how happy you were that they all wanted to remain friends with you, whilst also pressing Junmyeon and Jongdae for details about their dating life. You can practically see the hearts in their eyes when they talk about the new women in their lives and honestly, you couldn’t be happier for them. Poly was a fun idea to put on the table but it was never going to work long term for these guys. Logistically, emotionally or publicly. So it was for the best that none of you decided to venture down that path. 

Once everyone began to disperse you moved towards Baek and asked “Baek, can we speak privately?.” He shrugged but didn’t say no. He didn’t say anything. You walked towards his room and he followed you. You weren’t sure what the shift in him was from earlier this evening. Earlier he seemed like he wanted to date you, but now he wouldn’t even look at you and he looked so dejected and sullen, like he was fighting off tears. “Hey, Baek. Are you ok?” You asked. You wanted to reach out to comfort him but you weren’t sure if that would make matters worse. You had no idea what he was feeling.

He nodded in response, still not uttering a word. 

“Sweetie, you need to speak to me if you want me to believe you.”

“I’m just.” He sighed, “I guess I’m just struggling. Like of course I want to keep you as a friend, not having you in my life would be too hard, but I guess I was really hoping you’d work out your feelings for me as more than that.” He stared at the ceiling as he tried to remain calm but you could tell he was beginning to crack. “I know it wouldn’t be easy dating me, not because of who I am as a person, but because I’m an idol. Like we’d have to be secretive and couldn’t be all couply and go on normal dates like normal couples and maybe you don’t want to date someone who has to hide you. It’s just hard coz I realised all these feelings recently and now I’ve gotta reconcile with them and stuff them away. Which I will do, you are too important to me to not still be friends, but not gonna lie, it’ll be hard for me for a while I think.”

He just wanted to be friends now? But when he’d spoken to you earlier, he said he wanted so much more than that. You were so confused. “Baek, what are you on about?”

His head snapped back to stare at you incredulously. “What am I on about?!” He exclaimed, clearly frustrated and hurt. “You just told all of us that you want to remain friends with us. After I told you about how I felt earlier. So I guess I am not doing great with the rejection ok?”

Oh. Oh. Oh no. He’d misunderstood horribly. You’d responded to the others because they’d spoken. None of what you said at the table was for him because he hadn’t spoken. “No, oh my god no, you’ve misunderstood.” 

He looked so hurt, close to breaking as he responded. “What?”

You tried to remain calm, hoping it would make him calm. “Baek, I want to remain friends with the eight of them. I didn’t want to announce my feelings for you in front of them because you weren’t speaking. I didn’t know if you’d told any of them how you felt or if they’d all just worked it out, but then you didn’t speak. You stared at me the entire time but then you said nothing.” You paused as you took a step closer to him. “Plus my confession should be for your ears only first.”

He staggered backwards, not at all prepared for the words you’d said. “Wait, what are you saying?”

You locked eyes with him and did not break eye contact as you spoke. You needed to be certain that he heard you loud and clear. You’d been too weak to say it earlier, even though you knew how you felt. He deserved to hear it hours ago, but you couldn’t turn back time, so hearing it now would have to do. “Byun Baekhyun, I like you, a lot. Way more than is healthy for me I think. I want you in my life, I want to have you as one of my closest friends but I also want so much more. I want to be able to hold you, flirt with you, do domestic as fuck things with you, date you in whatever capacity we can date. I know that won’t be easy, I’m not naive about the secrecy that dating would require but to me you’re worth it. I want all of you, and I don’t want to share my romance with anyone but you. I’m not against bedroom scenarios that involve guests but I want you and only you as the person I fall even further for.”

“Fuck.” He whispered.

“Yeah. I want to do a lot of that too. You have no idea, but this is supposed to be romantic, not a confession from a horny teenager.” You both laughed. “I don’t know when my feelings changed or if I’d just ignored the way I felt about you for a long time but once I sat down and thought about my options with all of you, and spoke very discreetly with my best friend back home, I realised how sad I was every time I thought of not being able to be anything other than a friend to you. For every other member I was fine with the prospect of just friendship, but with you, it made me inexplicably sad.”

“Are you sure? Because don’t get me wrong, I want this, but it would be stupid of me to not understand the reality of it. Like you said, we won’t be able to go out on dates like a normal couple. We would have to be so careful. So unbelievably careful.” He paused as he took a couple of steps towards you, closing the distance between the two of you. “I think at this point a dating scandal wouldn’t ruin my career nor would it ruin EXO, but I’d be so worried about you.” He reached out to brush a stray strand of hair behind your ear, his hand lightly resting on your cheek afterwards. His eyes shone bright with emotion. He cared so much about you. “People can be so cruel, and I don’t want to see you hurt by their words should anything leak.”

You placed your hand over his, your eyes glistening with emotion. You knew his feelings for you, and he knew how you felt about him yet he still took the time to worry when he could be kissing you. “I don’t know that there is any way to prepare for the hate that would come my way if something got out about us, but I think that unless there was evidence of us in some compromising position it would be easy for SM to deny the rumours. In some ways working for the company and with the group allows for us to be seen together. We’d just have to keep things very work oriented when we aren’t in the safety of our homes.”

Baekhyun let out a shuddering breath. “I’m, fuck, why am I scared?”

You smiled. “Because. We really like each other. Fear is natural when you have something to lose but I think that just means trying to hang on to that special thing, or person in this instance, is worth anything that could be thrown at us. I’d like to think you wouldn’t just abandon me the moment a rumour comes out.”

He shook his head instantly. “I wouldn’t. I promise.”

“Then yeah, I’m all in on trying this thing. You and I. Exclusive. Together.”

His eyes widened at your words, like he still couldn’t quite believe this was happening. All the bravado you’d seen throughout the rest of your relationship with him was gone. The man who stood before you now was Baekhyun stripped bare. He was beautiful, inside and out. You don’t know how you denied yourself these feelings for so long, but if you continued to do so the sheer weight of what you felt might just consume you. “Is this really happening?” He asked.

“It is if you agree to it.” You replied. You stared up at him as you waited for him to accept your feelings and close the gap between you.

He leant in. “I can’t believe you actually like me. Didn’t you once say I was the most annoying person in the world?” He whispered. He was so close you could feel the ghost of the movement of his lips as he spoke.

“Maybe you’ll be less annoying if I get to call you mine.” Did he expect you to kiss him? Was he waiting for you to make the first move like you were waiting for him to do? 

“Oh. No. That’s where you’re wrong.” He smiled against your lips, the sensation of them touching but not kissing you was driving you insane. “I will be even more annoying if I’m yours.” His hand moved from your cheek to the back of your head, holding you in place.

“Still a risk I’m willing to take.” Baekhyun’s fingers tightened against your neck, stretching up into the edges of your hairline. He felt like he was trying to bring his own body as close to yours as possible. 

You waited for him to agree to date you, but he kept seemingly dodging a response. It was beginning to make your anxiety spike. What if he really liked you, admitted his feelings, yet still did not want to date you? Could you handle that? You didn’t think you could, not after laying your heart on the table for him like that. “Baek?” You asked.

“Yeah?” He replied as his free hand snaked around your waist, pressing your bodies against each other. You could feel your heart hammering in your chest as your breath hitched. 

“Please don’t leave me hanging.” You pleaded. You needed to hear him say it now that he knew how you felt. You felt light headed, and like your knees might buckle.

“What?” He sounded confused. The butterflies in your stomach felt like they were caught in a hurricane for how tingly you felt.

“I’ve told you what I want, confessed my feelings to you. B-but, you. You haven’t -” You struggled to get the words out.

He must have realised what you were trying to say as his grip on you tightened. “Fuck! Sorry noona, shit. I want to date the hell out of you.” You could feel how hard he was miling against your mouth as he spoke. “I’m excited for all the silly domestic things we can do. I want to buy couple pyjamas for us. I want to smother you with kisses and affection as much as I can when we are alone. If I don’t, I don’t think I’ll be able to handle my shit in public. I’m scared. I’m so so soooo happy, also a bit horny but that’s nothing new, mostly I’m just waiting to wake up from this dream.” You could feel yourself tremble, all the pent-up anxiety and fear and self-loathing having no other way to exit your body. The physical manifestation of the nerves wasn’t something you could control.

“Well could you hurry up and kiss me then?”

“Gladly.” Baekhyun closed the nonexistent gap between you as he pressed his lips against yours. The kiss started out softly, carefully and full of what could be referred to as love. He was kissing you with all the pent up emotion that he was now allowed to set free. You’d never been kissed like this before. Never been kissed in such a way where you could feel the emotion being poured into you. You felt desperate for him. It felt so good.

Baekhyun pressed harder against you as he kissed away all of your worries and doubts. You could feel how much he wanted you, more than just sexually, as his tongue swept across your lips, requesting entrance. You granted it readily, equally needing to devour him and reciprocate how you felt about him through the kiss. The raging butterflies in your stomach had morphed into tingling sensations that fluttered across every nerve ending. 

He pulled back just enough to cradle your face in his hands as he gazed at you with so much affection that you felt like you might combust. “I feel like I’ve gone crazy,” he chucked. “He didn’t allow you space to speak before jumping in to continue kissing you. 

You continued to kiss and hold each other for a while, trying to make up for lost time as you attempted to express every emotion via kisses. Some soft and loving, others rough and demanding. It’s you who pulled away the next time, as you both tried to catch your respective breaths. “We should tell the others.”

Baekhyun nodded. “Yeah, and then can we please go to your apartment? I just want to spend time with you. I don’t care if we just hold each other and make out or if we do more, I just want to be close to you.”

“That sounds perfect to me.” You pressed a chaste kiss to his lips before you grabbed his hand. “Let’s go before we change our minds and they find us in here.” 

The two of you headed back out towards the living area hand in hand. The others all appeared to be caught up in various discussions but they stop once someone notices yours and Baekhyun’s intertwined hands. Baekhyun cleared his throat, unable to keep the smile off his face as he exclaimed. “We’re dating, and I hope all of you can be happy for us because, speaking for myself here, I’m really happy right now. I thought I’d lost her earlier tonight but as usual I misunderstood.” He smiled down at you. “Thank fuck it was a misunderstanding, otherwise all of you would be dealing with me being mopey and heartbroken.” 

One by one the members got up and came forward to embrace the two of you. You were over the moon with the outcome from this evening. You’d secured a new contract, didn’t have to move companies, got to keep some of the best friends you’d ever had and gained a boyfriend. Pretty productive night if you said so yourself. However, you couldn’t help but notice that neither Minseok or Kyungsoo had approached the two of you since Baekhyun’s announcement.

In fact, neither of them were even in the room. Suddenly the lights dimmed and the two missing members entered the room, holding a cake. It wasn’t anyone’s birthday. What was the cake for? As they got closer you heard the other members giggling and grew suspicious. Any of these men giggling was never a good sign. Finally the cake came into view as the two of them stood before you and Baekhyun. “Yah!” Baekhyun laughed as he tried his hardest to sound mad. “Did you fucking plan this?!”

“Dude, you could not have been more obvious in your affections as far as we were concerned. “Kyungsoo deadpanned. “After we all talked last night it became pretty obvious that none of us felt the same way you did, and whilst some of us could see ourselves reaching that point, we weren’t there now. We were always expecting you to confess, and well, noona, you were always closer to Baek than any of us. There was always something brewing under the surface there so we had faith that you’d reciprocate his feelings. So we figured baking a cake for the occasion was a sure bet.” 

“You did have us worried when you didn’t say a single word at the table but I’m glad to see it all worked out. We did change the message on the cake just in case you hadn’t confessed to each other by the time you came back out of the room.” Minseok smirked. You finally diverted your gaze to the cake. And laughed. You laughed so hard that you struggled to breathe.

Hurry up and confess to each other so we can celebrate.

“This was your amendment?!” You managed to splutter in between laughs.

Kyungsoo grinned. “Yeah. The original message said Congratulations on realising your feelings.” 

“I hate all of you, just so you know.” Baekhyun grumbled, though it was not even remotely convincing what with the huge smile on his face.

“You love us.” Minseok said. “And we’re very happy for you.”

“Now eat the damn cake. I baked it with love.” Kyungsoo said as he thrust the cake towards the two of you.

“You baked for us?” You asked as you smiled.

“Of course I did. I’d only let the others bake if I wanted you to be poisoned. I don’t know how he’d manage it but Junmyeon could give you food poisoning even if all the ingredients were in date. What do you take me for, a monster?” He replied, unable to wipe the smile off his face.

***

After the cake had been eaten,you and Baekhyun decided that it was time to take your leave and head down to your apartment for the night.  You made your way around the room to bid each of the members goodnight, and to give each of them a warm hug. You held Yixing extra tight, promising to come have a movie day with him before he had to return to China. You also made him promise to schedule video calls with you so you could keep in touch. He swore that we would and you planned to hold him to that promise.

Minseok walked the two of you to the door. The three of you chatted easily as you and Baekhyun put your shoes on. You were enveloped in a strong embrace as Minseok held you and told Baekhyun to take good care of you because you now had eight friends who would gut him if he hurt you. The weight of his words was diminished when he posed the exact same threat to you. Baekhyun laughed at his protective hyung, cooing at how cute he was for threatening the two of you. 

He didn’t let go of you as he reached out to playfully slap Baekhyun. To his credit, Baekhyun let the two of you have your moment as he watched you both silently. 

You should have known better. Silence and Baekhyun were never a good mix. “So what if I want Minseok to join in every now and again?” He said as though he was talking about the weather.

“What?!” You both spluttered.

Baekhyun shrugged. “Noona, Hyung, you should see your faces.” He giggled. “I’m only half kidding though.”

“Yeah, you are going to have to say more than that dude.” Minseok groaned.

Baekhyun smiled at both of you. “I don’t know about either of you, but if I had to take a wild guess - we all had a better than good time during hyung’s reward. I’m just not opposed to something like that happening again, obviously not a frequent thing, but yeah. I’m sure you are more than capable of taking charge in the bedroom noona but it was really fucking hot watching both of you and being told what to do. So uh, yeah, just saying I’m happy to leave that door open for a future session.”

“Baek, you can’t just say things like that as though it's normal conversation.” You replied.

“What made you decide to bring that up now of all times?” Minseok asked as you spoke.

“To answer noona - Is that a no to my idea then? Coz like, that’s also fine. To answer hyung - I was reminded of it when the two of you were hugging.”

Minseok shook his head at the younger man. “You’re fucking weird dude.” 

“You like it.” Baekhyun quipped.

“I don’t dislike it.” He agreed. “Look, I’m down as long as it doesn’t become weird. It was fun, it was deeply satisfying and it was hot, but not something I’d be willing to ruin our friendships over.” 

You finally found some words, not quite believing where the night had taken you. “I feel the same. So uh, I guess at such a time when we want to involve a third, we know who to call…”

“This cannot be my life.” Minseok shook his head in disbelief and pointed towards the door. “Can you two leave already so I don’t get sprung with any more headache inducing conversation topics?”

Baekhyun grabbed your hand and led you through the door. “Let’s go angel.”

You were content, more than content as you stepped across the threshold with Baekhyun, who was now your boyfriend, you supposed. You’d have to discuss labels later. You wanted to spend the entire night in his arms, and like him you did not care if that was while you watched movies, played games, talked, or expressed your feelings for each other in a much more physical manner. All you knew was you felt right, you felt loved and cherished and you felt like you were in a state of utter bliss. 

A/N: Thank you if you've stuck with me over the course of the past 7 years. I simply don't have the words to express my gratitude to everyone who made it to this point of my lil fic. Well it was supposed to be little. It was supposed to be 9 chapter of pwp and only take me a couple of months to write but then all of this happened. I grew as a writer through this fic and explored different aspects of what I could write. I'm proud of this fic and glad that it didn't become another one of those unfinished fics on the internet.

When your inquiry went unanswered, you tried again. 

“At what point will I need to stop, drop, and roll?”, you said, giggling as the sound of chopping ceased.

Jongin’s footsteps drew closer, until you felt his knees bump against yours. “Ha, ha, very funny, jagi, he chastised playfully. “Kyungsoo taught me how to make this one, so it won’t be like last time, I promise. And I only burned the first one,” he added hastily.

He leaned in and gave you a quick peck on the lips before skirting away, skillfully avoiding your coy attempts to entice him back down for more. Sliding his hand down to rest on your lower back, he led you into what you assumed to be the dining room. A chair squeaked against the floor as Jogin pulled it out and instructed you to sit. 

You could feel Jongin’s warmth seeping into you from behind and you jumped when his lips grazed your ear.

“I wanted today to be special for you, for us,  _____–”

Your heart sped up at the sound of his voice. It was hard not to get distracted when he was so close to you, the feel of his arms around you never failed to make you melt. 

“Voila!” Jongin exclaimed,  theatrically pulling the blindfold from your eyes. 

On reflex, you squeezed your eyes shut to block out the dim light from the chandelier. After a few seconds, you hesitantly cracked an eye open, and you saw it. 

Square with rows of tiny indentations and little flecks of dark green and orange, you weren’t sure what to make of the charred–ahem–crispy item perched alone on the large, white plate. You cleared your throat, cognizant of the way Jongin was looking at you looking at his creation. Eyes gleaming with pride. Expectantly waiting for your praise. 

You chose your words carefully, trying to make sense of what you were seeing, while not shattering your gentle boyfriend’s heart.

“Jongin, baby…what’s–uh–on the menu, tonight?” 

He laughed, as though it was obvious. “It’s a fried rice waffle, silly!”

You looked between the hockey puck on your plate and your sweet boyfriend’s face, grateful for once that you’d taken that god-awful acting class in college. 

“It looks…”, you struggled to find the right word, “...interesting…”

Jongin’s head bobbed enthusiastically. “Are you gonna take a bite?”

You nodded with what you hoped was realistic enthusiasm.

God, you sucked at acting. You failed that acting class, don’t you remember? 

It was worse than you imagined. 

Way worse. 

You broke off a piece, chewing gingerly, all while Jongin intently watched your face, waiting for your reaction. All at once, your tongue was hit with a spectrum of flavors and textures–bitter, crunchy, hard, soft, and the overwhelming taste of spring onion. Just…bleh…

“So?” he asked, leaning forward, eyes wide in anticipation. 

The glob of “waffle” stuck in your throat at his question, and you swallowed hard to push it down,

“It’s..um..very crunchy…and…um…onion-y?” 

Jongin’s face fell. 

“It’s awful,” he moaned, covering his face with his hands. He sat down in the chair next to you with his shoulders slumped, the very picture of dejection. “I never should’ve taken cooking advice from Chanyeol and Sehun,” he muttered, almost to himself. 

You froze. “I thought you said Kyungsoo taught you this recipe.” 

Jongin looked up from his hands and worried his lower lip.

“He did…but then Sehun showed me a TikTok and Chanyeol had a waffle iron…and I just…messed up. Why can’t I cook like Kyungsoo?” he moaned. 

He looked so sad, your baby. And he had tried so hard for you tonight. You stood from your chair and folded him into your arms, resting your chin on his head. 

“Jongin,” you started, “you and I both know that would be asking a lot of the universe. Be the most handsome and skilled dancer in all of K-Pop and be a good cook? You’d be just too amazing to be real.”

Jongin chuckled beneath you, reaching up to stroke your cheek.

“Besides,” you continued, “Kyungsoo has his strengths and you have yours. Affectionate. Kind. Generous. Smooth on the dance floor. So handsome,” you listed, punctuating each compliment with a peck on the lips. 

Your boyfriend hummed in the back of his throat, a slow smile spreading on his face.

“Actually, ____, there is one more thing I have planned for tonight,” he said with a mysterious smile.  

He led you to the couch in the living room and gently pressed on your shoulders for you to sit. Telling you to wait, he flipped the lightswitch, plunging the room in darkness. Suddenly, the room was dimly illuminated by a string of clear fairy lights, the soft tones of “Peaches” drifting through the surround-sound speakers. 

“Pretty girl, you’re like peaches…it’s a soft embrace…a sweetness that spreads in my mouth…feels good to be the bad guy…”

Jongin leapt into action, his body like water, flowing through the movements like he was born to do. His eyes held yours as he flew and you knew every word of this song was meant for you. Without warning, Jongin sprung forward, pulling you up from the couch and into his arms. As the last notes faded away, you simply swayed together, enjoying each other’s nearness. 

Jongin squeezed you close and whispered words of love in your ear. You held his face between your hands and counted your blessings that this wonderful man had found his way into your life. 

You stretched on your toes to give him a kiss, only to be rudely interrupted by the sound of the doorbell. 

“Were you expecting anyone, babe?” you asked, glancing quizzically at the door.  

Jongin shook his head, just as perplexed.

You waited as he walked to the entrance and you could hear the muffled sound of a voice on the other side. The door closed and Jongin came back with a takeout container. Inside you found a feast of your and Jongin’s favorite foods–fried chicken, roasted duck, bibimbap, and tteokbokki–along with an expensive bottle of wine.  

“Did you order this?” you asked.

He shook his head, shrugging his shoulders  “No, but the delivery said it’s bought and paid for, so…” 

Across the room, Jongin’s phone lit up with a text:

“Jongin-ah, just a tip: never take cooking advice from amateurs like us. Enjoy your meal 😜.

~Chanyeol and Sehun” 

“Wow, just wow,” Jongin explained sarcastically. “Can’t trust anyone these days.”

“Except me,” you added, batting your eyelashes playfully. 

“Except you,” he agreed. “Well…shall we?” he said, motioning towards the food. 

You nodded. “Might as well,” you said with a smile. 

If someone asked you what your favorite thing during the Christmas holidays was, you never had to think long and hard about it. Sure, spending time with your loved-ones, not having your boss breathing down your neck everyday and the magic of the snowy scenery were all aspects you greatly appreciated but there was one thing you loved most: having time for volunteering at the local animal shelter.

When you were still in school, helping out with going on walks, grocery runs or simply enjoying playtime with the cute pets were your most-beloved hobbies, but after graduation, life just got too busy, so you could only visit maybe once or twice a month. Like that, the days around Christmas and before New Year's have been reserved for the shelter ever since. 

You could hear the yipping, whining and high-pitched barking of the puppies from outside already as you approached the main entrance of the old building that housed the shelter, and the mere sound made your heart skip two or three beats. You couldn’t wait for the tiny creatures to finally nag on the seam of your pants, eager to play around with you or to receive affectionate caresses.

With your lips stretching into a content smile you gave the entrance door a firm tug so you could slip from the chilling cold of winter into the welcoming warmth of the hallway. Quickly you shed your jacket with its last reminders of the snow outside, hanging it on the rack that was already carrying three more jackets. You wanted it to dry at least a little before you would put it on again. 

You let your eyes wander through the hall. Most of the doors were closed, like the ones which hid nursing and play rooms for puppies, kitties and occasionally bunnies, as well as a small medical station for emergencies and minor injuries that didn’t require a vet right away. Only the doors that led to the office and storage rooms had been left open, probably in a hurry. The last time you’d visited the shelter, everyone was going crazy over a cat that went missing on the day it was supposed to be adopted - turned out someone had forgotten to close the doors for a short moment, one long enough for the cat to follow its curiosity over the threshold of the playroom only to be found asleep on a pile of documents in the rather messy office.

The sound of voices and the shuffle of steps from behind one of the closed doors shifted your attention away from your memories and towards the door which led to the great playroom where both puppies and kitties were running free to explore once they were old enough to do so safely. You didn’t quite understand how it was possible for you to smile even wider but the familiar sounds of a frustrated, very human whine and an infectious laugh somehow managed to have exactly that effect on you.

With fast steps you approached the door, pushing it open carefully so none of the animals could weasel its way out while you were entering. The scene that presented itself in front of you was equally familiar to you as everything else in the shelter: there was Chanyeol, a little ball of white-brown fur curled up in his lap, as he desperately tried and tragically failed to hide dog treats from a certain energetic, black toy poodle. And there was Jongin, who sat next to his friend, laughing at his misery while running gentle fingers through the light fur of two more puppies that had curled up on the younger’s legs. 

“Hey there, guys!” you greeted them happily, “And hello to you little ones too.” You crouched down to pet the small army of kittens that had assembled at your feet. A lot of them were still quite young, too young for being adopted and too young for you to know them from previous visits. 

“Hey there yourself- Okay, okay. Here, Toben. Take the treats, it’s pointless to train you when you refuse to listen” Chanyeol pouted at the poodle and resignedly let the dog have its way, sort of forgetting to finish greeting you but you didn’t mind at all - the two of you had been friends for a couple of years now after all, always trying to visit the shelter together since you’d discovered your mutual love for animals. You were used to Chanyeol’s antics, the way he’s been trying to get into Toben’s good graces since his family had adopted the dog a few years ago from the very shelter both of you were volunteering in your free time. Soon enough, Jongin had joined your trio with endless adoration for puppies and a natural knack for dealing with dogs of any age or breed. Jongin, who interrupted fondling the baby dogs in his lap to wave at you with a happy smile before he turned to Chanyeol with the words “You know, maybe he would listen better if you didn’t always reward his lack of obedience.” 

But his friend didn’t seem to want to see reason, only huffing loudly through his nose, expressing his frustration as he handed Jongin the box with treats, challenging him to try to get the playful poodle to listen. Of course, Toben lost interest in Chanyeol the moment he had handed the treats over, now jumping and running around Jongin, who held up a treat out of the small dog’s reach and said with a stern tone “Sit!”

Toben stopped in his wild racing and sat down immediately, wagging his tail in eager anticipation. 

“I hate this dog,” Chanyeol said dryly with no bite or seriousness in his voice, and tended to the napping fluffball in his lap instead.

Giggling at the scene that had just played out, you made your way to the center of the room where your two friends were sitting and joined them on the ground, only to instantly be jumped by Toben who was hoping to get himself yet another treat if he behaved cutely (or rudely) enough. Instead, you pulled out a squeaky toy you had grabbed from a box in the hallway and carefully tossed it a little further away from your group - you didn’t want to hit one of the babies but also thought Toben could entertain himself for a little while so you had the chance to catch up with Chanyeol and Jongin and the little puppies in their laps, that you hadn’t seen around before.

“And who might these little guys be?” you cooed as you watched one of the puppies on Jongin’s leg wake up from its slumber, yawning and stretching out its little paws in the sweetest of ways. 

“They came here, I think, two or three weeks ago. Three new puppies and their mom. Junmyeon said, someone found them abandoned at a rest area near the highway and brought them over. But they are recovering very well so far” Jongin explained calmly as he re-adjusted the now awake puppy, wanting to prevent it from falling off his leg. 

Maybe you should be more used to such stories - you’ve been working with rescue cases for a long time now after all - but hearing about abandoned pets, especially puppies and especially during the colder seasons, always had your stomach dropping, your heart breaking a little every time. You had never understood how people could just drop off their pets out in the cold if they didn’t want or couldn’t afford taking care of them anymore, why they couldn’t just bring them to a shelter - that’s where the animals would end up anyway. But there was no use in getting all too angry over that, you thought to yourself as you watched the ball of light brown fur slide down Jongin’s leg after all and waddle towards you in healthy curiosity. You were here to help caring for the innocent creatures now, supporting a place that was dedicated to find them a new home - that thought never failed to bring you comfort.

“I know, it’s sad but look at the bright side,” Jongin nudged you in the side, lifting your gaze from the puppy sniffing at your shoelaces, “Chanyeol is totally in love with the little one in his lap already.”

“Yeah, there is no way I am not adopting her myself,” Chanyeol chimed in upon hearing his name. “Time for a dog that actually loves me.” And as if he had understood exactly what Chanyeol had said, Toben suddenly let out an upset bark and started running laps around his owner, who couldn’t help the dumb-founded expression on his face. Jongin and you exchanged meaningful looks at the irony of the situation. Sometimes it was very hard to believe that it was actually impossible for Toben’s behavior to be as calculated as it seemed. 

The poodle’s shrill barking had woken up the two other puppies though, so the three of you decided that it was time to take out the little one’s for an outdoor playing session. Junmyeon, who managed the shelter over the holidays and was probably bored out of his mind sorting documents in the office, had already prepared three tiny harnesses for them, complete with soft cotton applications that would provide some protection from the cold for the little rascals. You picked up the puppy that had played with your shoes before, another little girl as Chanyeol informed you, to get her ready for the outing. 

“This little princess here,” Chanyeol scratched the puppy in his arm behind her ears, “is Zzar. You know, short for Mozart.” She snuggled even closer to him. It was so adorable you almost let out a puppy-like whining sound yourself. She really seemed to be especially fond of Chanyeol, the total opposite of Toben, who never missed an opportunity to tease your friend.

“The one you are handling right now doesn’t have an official name yet, but I've named her Brahms in my head,” Chanyeol explained as he watched you fastening the straps of the little harness, before he handed you one of the leashes. 

“Of course you did,” you laughed. It would have been more surprising if he didn’t continue with naming pets after composers.

“The third one is Debussy” Chanyeol finished off his naming process, sending a cheeky grin towards Jongin.

“Don’t worry, I won’t ever call you that,” Jongin only half-whispered into his puppy’s ears, obviously with the intention of teasing Chanyeol who threw a fake punch in return - you couldn’t help chuckling at the typical habits and antics they displayed.

Something mischievous was flashing in Jongin’s eyes but before the situation could escalate into friendly but nonetheless petty bickering you loudly cleared your throat and gestured towards the scurrying puppies with a nod of your head.

“I think these babies can’t wait for their outdoor adventure time anymore,” you decided with feigned seriousness as all three puppies were leashed and more than ready to go, so the three of you grabbed your jackets and stepped into the cold air.

Everything felt so comfortably familiar as the three of you ventured outside, along the path that led to a small playground for dogs not far from the shelter. So it didn’t surprise you when Jongin dropped the box with the dog treats, the snacks scattering all over the ground. Or how Chanyeol told you with big eyes that he couldn’t tell you now what Christmas gifts he bought for his dogs because “it’s supposed to be a surprise - I can’t tell you right in front of them”. Or the way all three of you broke into a laughing fit when one of the puppies got a little too over-excited in its playfulness and stumbled over its tiny legs. 

You were fourteen when you first heard it, the song inside your head that wasn’t a part of your own stream of consciousness. It wasn’t often that people heard the music that young, but your soulmate must have turned eighteen, setting off the internal (and subconscious) alarm that it was time to make themself known. 

Because of it being rare that soulmates heard each other earlier than the age of eighteen, you didn’t realize that that’s what it was at first. Actually, you were under the impression that someone was playing music right into your ear as you were trying to concentrate on your homework. The last thing you thought it was going to be was your soulmate…especially at your age. 

You, seated in the silence of the class, groaned outwardly and asked, “Is someone really playing music out loud right now?! Some of us are trying to concentrate…” Hey, at least you didn’t swear at them even though you really wanted to.

Your classmates were startled by your outburst, looking at you like you had grown two heads. Why were you the only one complaining about the noise? In class, you were allowed to listen to headphones, but this was pushing it for you. 

Your teacher was the first to speak when he told you that nobody was playing any music. You couldn’t understand what you were hearing then. Placing both your hands over your ears to cover the sound, you tested to see if that would help. It didn’t, seeing as the song you’d never heard before was still loud and present to only you. 

From the seat beside you, you felt an elbow jab into your rib. When you looked over with a flinch, you saw your friend with a huge smile on their face, and their eyes wide open. Clearly, they had something to say. 

“What?” You asked, clearly irritated by everything going on. If you were distracted for one more minute…

“It has to be your soulmate!” They whispered, clear jealousy written across their face. They’d been obsessed with the concept of soulmates since you two were little, so of course this would be exciting for them. They’d done all the research, knowing everything they could know about soulmates. They wanted to research the soulmate bond for the rest of their life, as a career. Their parents researched them already, and although you were best friends, you never really understood the appeal. The thought of having one person that you were destined for never really made any sense to you. But you were only fourteen, so what did you know, really? 

“Isn’t it too early for that?” You asked, realizing that your life just got a whole lot more complicated if it really was your soulmate…not to mention noisy. 

They shrugged, going back to their homework after saying, “Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. Apparently it’s uncommon but not impossible. Most soulmates are the same age, but yours must be older than you. I read this one book where someone was talking about how they weren’t able to block them out in the slightest until they turned eighteen! Maybe you’ll be lucky and they don’t really listen to music like you!”

The idea that your soulmate was currently eighteen while you were fourteen grossed you out, but clearly there was nothing you could do about it yet. And if what they were saying was true, there, and you couldn’t block out your soulmate, you were going to scream. Wait…

“Hey,” you got your friend’s attention again after a thought popped into your head, “can my soulmate hear me then?”

Your friend shook their head and explained, “They won’t hear you until you’re eighteen.”

That was just great. You were stuck with this for the next four years while they’d get off without having any kind of interruption in their life. 

After that first day, you didn’t tell anyone for an entire week; however, it had been a full week of your not being able to sleep. Your best friend had been severely mistaken when they said you might be lucky by getting a soulmate that didn’t listen to music…they liked it, a lot. You were sure that they were going to kill you. Your mom only found out because she heard you cry from lack of sleep. They never stopped listening to music. You didn’t know what to do to drown it out. Of course, she had to contact your friend’s parents to see what they had to say, but there was really not much that could be done. 

At first, she was genuinely concerned for your well-being. It wasn’t only uncommon that soulmates were that many years apart in age, but it seemed they were genuinely affecting your life in a negative way. She helped you figure out whatever was needed to try to get you back on track. You were generally someone who preferred dead silence. Sure, you listened to music sometimes, but it didn’t take up that much space or importance in your life…you couldn’t say the same for your soulmate. They must have lived and breathed music. 

And for the first while, you were constantly frustrated with them. Actually, it was more than frustration–it was anger. They would repeat the same song over and over again, and sometimes it was only one specific part of the song. For hours. You concluded that they had to be practicing something with the songs. There was no way that they willingly listened to songs that much. They had to have a job that was related to music, because any normal person would not even be able to listen to that much music while working if their job didn’t require them to.

You’d figured out that listening to your own music was the only solution to drown them out. Wearing noise cancelling headphones to sleep wasn’t exactly ideal (especially considering it took you weeks to get used to having noise when trying to fall asleep), and it certainly wasn’t acceptable to go around school and out in public wearing said headphones. 

You tried taking medication and meditating. It was almost to the point where your mom was considering homeschooling you, so that you could simply work when they weren't listening to music instead of having to force yourself to focus with their noisy lifestyle.

But you had to admit that it wasn’t all bad. You were making it sound insanely dramatic, when there were pros in amongst all the cons. There was one specific thing that made you forget what you didn’t like about the soulmate bond—it was that even when they listened to those damned songs through the entire night as you were trying to sleep, they would seem to make it up to you. It was like they knew how much you must have been struggling. Some nights, when you were getting ready to sleep or you were laying in bed, a soft voice would float through your mind, humming tunes or lightly singing songs. He would easily lull you to sleep as you let the calm sounds fill you up from head to toe. It was actually the only time you didn’t try to block him out. 

After it all, you grew older, graduated high school, and got used to it all. You increasingly realized that you couldn’t wait to find him…if only to give him a little piece of your mind. 

• • • • • •

Jongin on the other hand, felt dejected when he turned 19 and then 20 and then 21. He didn’t understand why he wasn’t hearing you yet. He’d grown up with this crazy desire to have this special person once he’d turned 18, but it just wasn’t happening for him. All his friends and colleagues were hearing their soulmates or had already found them, and all that occupied his head was silence. 

His parents tried to tell him that it was fine and that his soulmate was just getting ready for him. He would love them so much that they really needed to prepare. But it was insanely frustrating to someone like him who’d waited and waited for the day to come. He tried to fill his time as much as he could with work to try to distract himself from the fact that day after day he never heard from you. Still, whenever he went to bed at a reasonable hour and relaxed, he always sang a calm song, in hopes that you could hear him. 

Taemin had once mentioned to him that you may have been able to hear him because you could have simply just been younger than him. He’d seen an article on the internet about it happening, although rare enough that it was not common. His words gave Jongin at least a little bit of hope. 

Yet thinking about the fact that you could hear whatever he was listening to or singing made him anxious for when he finally met you. He wasn’t stupid. He knew that you probably wanted to scream and hit him from the sheer amount of times he listened to the same song… But what was he to do? He choreographed routines for a living! If you really were younger than him, then you must have still been in high school, which meant that you would have to listen to the music while studying for exams or listening to your teachers talk. His listening wasn’t uniform, with stops, rewinds, replays, and everything else imaginable, so it couldn’t have been easy to deal with. 

The first time Jongin heard you, he was woken up from a nap with the happy birthday song being sung to you. It took him a moment to realize that the song was for you and not for him… his birthday had been months ago. As much as he didn’t like being woken up from a nap, he was so at ease from finally hearing you. The thought of you having put him right back to sleep with a trace of a smile on his face. 

Jongin’s attitude changed noticeably in the weeks that followed. He seemed much happier, coming in to work with a chipper smile and jokes. He was never one to joke around when it came to work. It was such a noticeable difference in his attitude that everyone noticed, not just him. 

“You seem to be feeling better lately…” Taemin commented, sitting across from him, both of the men with their drinks of choice at a coffee shop. 

Jongin couldn’t stop the small smile that appeared on his face. He shyly looked away from his friend when he answered, “I can hear her.”

Taemin was so happy for him that he practically spilled all his coffee onto the table when he went to tap his friend on the shoulder in congratulations. He had found his soulmate a few years ago, so now that Jongin could hear you, he didn’t feel so bad bringing her around. 

“Sometimes I hear her singing along to the songs that I’m working with. It’s quite cute actually. But she mostly just plays her own music even louder to try to drown me out, I’m assuming. I can’t imagine my job is easy on her,” Jongin admitted, taking a long sip of his drink. You only listened to music when he was listening to music, so it only made sense to him that you didn’t enjoy it like he did. 

“God, she must HATE it, having to hear the song so many times!” Taemin laughed.

“What’s it like after you meet your soulmate?” Jongin asked. He had never asked him before because the thought just made him more sad, but now that he knew that you were out there, the question didn’t scare him.

“You can control it more. There’s a way that you can communicate more than just hearing what the other person hears. It’s a lot more controlled. I think you’ll like it when you finally meet her,” Taemin explained. He found this inquisitive and happy side of Jongin so refreshing after the rude and workaholic Jongin that had become his friend for the last four years.

“I just hope I meet her soon…” 

• • • • • •

You’d now been eighteen for a few months, and lucky for you, your soulmate seemed to be listening to slightly less music than he had been before he started hearing you. The song that he was replaying for the last few days was a little different. He was the one singing it, unlike all the other songs that he’d played over before.

The version of the song was by all means not clean and your mind wandered. 

…I just want to know your favourite position, put your legs up, switch the position…

You couldn’t get those lines out of your head. Because he was the one singing the song, you could practically picture him with you in your bedroom. You’d never seen him, but it was like your imagination knew what he looked like. You could see him almost perfectly…and he was just right. 

The strangest feeling rippled through you as you imagined everything that he could do to you, for you…and what you could do for him. You leaned back on your bed, grateful that you’d closed the door already, separating you from your family. 

You trembled, thinking about the hot breath of his voice where your hand was teasing. You thought about the touch of his hands over your skin currently prickled with goose bumps. 

You whispered his own song back as you found your rhythm, voice barely able to form the words coherently. It was amazing, thinking about him, but you wanted it to actually be him more than you ever would have thought before. 

Just earlier today, you wanted to strangle the man for his noisy lifestyle, and now you would beg for him to be between your legs in place of your own hand. You tried to take your time, but with your thoughts and the sound of his song, it didn’t take long for you to be writhing on your sheet–tired, breathless, satisfied, and confusingly enough…frustrated. 

• • • • • •

Unfortunately, you wouldn’t meet each other for another two years. The way you found each other was a complete accident, some would have even called it coincidence that you were at the same place at the same time. You, on the other hand, would have called it fate. 

You were currently an intern at a large entertainment company. You weren’t necessarily into the entertainment business per se, but it was where your degree took you, and you definitely would have not passed up an experience like this one. You were twenty now, and facing the world didn’t seem as scary as it once had.

It was quite literally your first day there, and they were giving you a tour of the building. One of the practice rooms was getting ready to be used, so it was the first place you were headed. They were going to show you exactly how it all went down, with the cameramen, the choreographers, the crew and the artists themselves. 

You watched in awe as people were laughing, surrounding what looked to be like the choreographer, asking him about what masterpiece he was going to show them this time. 

He seemed familiar, but you couldn’t put your finger on it. 

The energy in the room was chaotic and stressful, but also awesome and addicting. You didn’t think that you’d ever feel that way about entertainment, but you assumed it was the influence of your soulmate for the past six years. 

It seemed as though they were about to begin what would probably be a tiring day of memorization, so everyone quieted down and got ready while you couldn’t keep your eyes off the choreographer. 

Suddenly, the song you’d been hearing more recently playing constantly through your mind came on. But hearing music like this was not like anything you’d ever heard before. It was so clear and precise, unlike when you even listened to music in headphones, unlike listening to your soulmate through the annoying bond.  It was like it was being sung to you…like you weren’t actually listening to it in person. It was infinitely impossible to explain. It resonated through your body like you were one with the song. You weren’t sure if what you were feeling was even real, maybe it was how your soulmate felt while listening to the song. 

The choreographer seemed to be taken aback as well. The boys to whom he was going to teach the routine all seemed confused by his stillness because he was hesitating and not showing them the routine. He had even stopped explaining his vision for them mid-sentence when the song turned on. 

His eyes snapped up and started looking around the room to try to wrap his head around what was happening. When you made eye contact with him, you just knew that he was your soulmate. It felt natural to look at him, be in the same room as him. 

You dropped the pen that you were using to take as many notes as possible. You sucked in a deep breath and shuffled an inch back when he took a step toward you.

Clearing his throat and not looking away from you, your soulmate said, “Can we take 5?...Everyone get out for a minute.”

It didn’t actually come off as rude as it sounded, but you could tell that everyone including your bosses were confused as to why the two of you needed time alone when you’d just met. 

He began walking towards you before everyone had left. It was a shock when he was right in front of you, but you got over it quick enough. Whatever spell you’d just been under broke and all those years of annoyance from him came flooding back. 

“So it’s you…” you breathed, jutting a finger into his chest to emphasize your words. 

“Me?” He looked innocent with his big eyes and soft face when he answered.

You closed your eyes and smiled, laughing a bit before saying, “You have been the bane of my existence since I was fourteen. That’s six years. Six. Whole. Years. Do you have any idea what that amount of noise can do to a person? Especially someone like me who has just entered high school and was just trying to get good grades. I was sleepless for months, wanting nothing more than for you to disappear. I didn’t even care about soulmates and I just happened to be a rare occurrence of having one four years older than me. God, I want to strangle you for all that you’ve put me through over the years…”

He looked at you like he was expecting you to say something like that, but when he opened his mouth to reply, you cut him off and continued, “Do you even realize how much music you listen to in a day? I don’t even like it all that much and I was completely forced to listen to it practically all day. And worse was that you often pull all-nighters with the same song. I can’t even look at you right now! I’m so fucking mad at you! How could soulmates be so different?” You mumbled that last sentence after taking a deep breath and walking out of the room, crewmates and the artists almost falling onto the floor as you opened the door. They’d clearly been eavesdropping. You stepped over them and stormed down the hall, intent on not coming back…although, you knew you’d be right back in the office after lunch. A brief moment of regret passes through you for not even getting his name, but that was quickly replaced with the frustration of finally meeting him in person. 

• • • • • •

The next time you met was about a week later when you ran into each other in the elevator. He seemed surprised to see you while you tried to make your own facial expressions void of emotion. 

“My name is Kim Jongin,” he whispered, avoiding your gaze. He sounded sad, which made you regret the way you’d spoken to him last week. You supposed it could have waited for a better time and place, but you were never one to keep quiet instead of speaking your mind. 

“Y/N,” you said, trying to be polite. You took a peek at him from under your eyelashes. He really was handsome and very nearly the picture that you’d created of him in your mind. “I’m sorry about the other day…It was just a lot to process. You’ve been in my head for a long time, and I apparently had a lot to say…”

He didn’t really acknowledge your apology when he asked, “I don’t mean to sound too forward…but would you like to come over for dinner tonight? I’m cooking. We can talk more then.” 

“Okay,” you answered, handing him your phone. “Here, put your number in my phone so you can text me your address later.”

• • • • • •

Looking down at the message Jongin sent you explaining where he lived, you took a deep breath and knocked on the door. “Come in!” You heard a muffled yell, the low playlist he’d been listening to becoming fuller and clearer in your mind. 

You smelled the food before you saw it. He had a nice apartment, his job clearly paying more than enough. When you walked through the doorway to the kitchen after taking off your shoes, you saw him standing over the stove, mixing something. He looked up at you, sending you a tentative smile. 

You figured he must still be hesitant with you, considering how you treated him when you first met. 

“Hi,” you said quietly, trying to ease his nerves. Now that you’d let out all your anger, you were ready to move on and get to know him better.

“Hey,” he replied, shoulders relaxing a fraction. It wasn’t very obvious, just enough that you could understand he was anxious. 

“Thanks for inviting me over for supper. I’m still sorry about how I acted last week…” You awkwardly stood there, not knowing where to sit until you decided to cut it out. You were soulmates for heaven’s sake. Why were you acting scared to be around him?

You saw a piece of counter near him that was clean, unused, so you walked toward it and asked him, “Do you mind if I sit here? I’d like to watch you cook.”

He seemed taken aback by your words but nodded nevertheless, keeping his eyes on you the entire time. You were eye-level with him on the counter, and could see everything about his features clearly from your vantage. 

His brown eyes swirled like your favourite chocolate, full lips slightly gnawed (you guessed from nerves). His hair was done to perfection, looking soft and strategically placed. He had changed his clothes since work today, opting for a nice pair of corduroy pants and a sweater with teddy bears all over it. He smelled amazing, quite possibly like your new favourite scent. 

He opened his mouth to say something when the next song on the playlist began, catching you off guard. You recognized the tune, having heard it over and over again a couple years ago. “Wait,” you interrupted, putting your hand up to block his words. “I thought you sang this song?” Thinking about the song brought back memories of many lonely nights you wished to have with him. Still to this day, it contained the lyrics and the voice that brought you to the finish line every time. 

He seemed confused at first before registering which song it was. A closed-mouth chuckle shook his shoulders as he looked at the stove quickly to check the food. “I sang a demo for the artist…I’m not surprised you remember the song.” 

You looked up at his face, not understanding how he would know that you would remember something from years ago. “What do you…” Butterflies danced in your stomach as the nervous feelings about being near him surfaced. The latest time you thought of the song coming to mind. It wasn’t even that long ago. You felt a blush start to creep up your chest and neck. 

You wanted to look away, but when his eyes met yours, you couldn’t. He was looking at you curiously when he cheekily asked, “You must like the other lyrics better?” His gaze shifted to your lips that parted in surprise before he quickly took the pot off the stove. 

His breaking the stare gave you the opportunity to look at anything else but him, to catch the breath you didn’t know you were holding. You didn’t answer him. You couldn’t answer him. If you lied and said that you didn’t know they changed, he would have been able to tell. You had never been a good liar.

When he looked back at you and realized that you were not going to answer his question, he admitted even cockier than before, “You sing the song under your breath when you masturbate, Y/N.” 

Your face completely flushed and you tried to wiggle off the counter, but his hands shot out and caught one on each knee. He parted them, settling into the spot on the counter between them. You were so embarrassed you stared at a single loose thread on his sweater near his shoulder. “H-how do you know that?”

“Maybe call it soulmate’s intuition…but the breathing is unique,” he explained, moving his head to the side to see if he could catch your eye once again. 

“Oh, my god. I’m so mortified…” you admitted, hands coming up to cover your face. 

“Oh, please don’t be,” he admitted, “I-I like hearing it.” His hands softly went over yours, pulling them away from your face. “Every time I hear you sing it, it reassures me that you’re real and that you’re not with anyone else. It’s nice to know that even though we hadn’t met, it was always me.”

You had to crack a smile. “You never gave me a moment to forget about you.”

His head dipped toward you then not commenting on your words, lips just a hair from yours. “Can I…”

You didn’t let him finish as you quickly nodded and pushed yourself to him. Your kiss was slow, each feeling the other out. You’d kissed one other person in your life, a little act of rebellion against the bond, but it felt wrong. On the other hand, kissing Jongin was completely different. His mouth tasted so good you wanted to thank him for the opportunity of being his soulmate. 

You were the first to pull away from the simple kiss. “We should eat…”

“It’s not ready yet,” he breathed, hands cupping your cheeks to bring your mouth back to his. 

You gladly invited him back, your hands snaking around his waist to hold him closer to you. Your knees squeezed his hips as you scooted closer to him. Jongin’s mouth parted with yours. You wanted more of him. You were grateful you brushed your teeth and freshened up before you came over. 

Between hot kisses, he spoke, “When you sing the song, I admit I can’t help myself…”

Your entire body erupted in shivers at his words, no longer embarrassed by your previous confession. 

The oven beeped, signalling to the two of you that dinner was now ready. He broke away for a second to turn it off before immediately resuming your position. He wasn’t even gone long enough for you to notice he took his mind off you for a second. 

His hands moved behind your back and lower, cupping your butt to hold you to him. He pulled you off the counter, your feet hitting the ground. His kiss broke, and he grabbed your hand, pulling you to the leather couch next to the kitchen. You both sat down before he asked, “Is this okay?” 

You nodded and agreed, “Yes.” Using one of your hands, you began to untuck your sweater from your pants, intent on taking it off for him. 

He watched you intently, hands coming out like he wanted to help such a simple action. Once it was over your head, you could see his eyes wander the expanse of your chest, skin raised and chilled from the air. Taking his hand, you leaned back into the couch and brought him with you. 

“You’re so surprising,” he stated, pushing your hair back from your face, a knee settling between your legs. His eyes studied your face for emotions. 

Flashing him what you thought was your best smile, you shifted up to him. 

He groaned, closing his eyes and following the friction as you lowered back down. “I’ve been waiting for you for six years, Y/N. They were the longest years of my life.”

He brought his lips down to yours and resumed exactly where you’d left off in the kitchen. Only this time, he was more frantic with the kisses. You felt his teeth graze your lips, tongue testing your mouth. You sucked, wanting him to continue anything, everything, that he was doing. Your hands found his waist and travelled up his shirt, feeling the tight muscles he’d gained from all his dancing and exercise. 

You ground up into him and pushed the shirt up to his shoulders. He broke this kiss only briefly to remove the article of clothing. You thought you imagined it when he asked, “will you sing the song?” 

You? He wanted you to sing the song. Fuck that, you wanted him to sing it…exactly how you’d pictured him so many times before. 

But you did as he’d asked, unable to deny his request. You sang it softly as he watched you intently. You whispered the lyrics as you held his gaze. A hand went behind you, unclasping your bra. As you continued, his lips placed a single kiss to yours before a kiss to your chin, your jaw, your neck and down your chest. You could barely remember the lyrics now, distracted by how good it felt. 

He popped the button of your pants, unzipping them as he kissed your breasts and then your ribs. You wiggled under him, desperately wanting more. When you were no longer able to continue singing, he took over where you left off…he was driving you absolutely crazy. 

It was even better than you’d imagined. His nose tickled your belly button as his words vibrated through your stomach. You lifted your butt, so he could pull your pants down. Your panties were an annoyingly thin material separating you from his hot breath. He teased you with the song, and you couldn’t hold in your groan of frustration. 

“Tell me what you want, Y/N,” he pressed, mouth moving slowly back up towards your lips, dragging his lips up your skin. 

“I want to switch positions,” you breathed. The lyrics flashing through your mind again. You pushed him back, so he was laying on his back with you on top now. You kicked your pants the rest of the way off before running your hands over his chest. His muscles convulsed under your touch, gaining a smirk from you. “Is this okay?” You asked, repeating the question he had posed earlier. 

“Absolutely,” he answered, watching your face for any kind of change. You relaxed, straddling one of his thighs as you undid his pants, lifting your body to get rid of the material. “What are you going to do?”

You moved against his thigh, which he tense when he realized your intentions with it. You braced your weight with palms flat on his torso for only a second. You resisted the urge to close your eyes, instead opting to watch him watch you. His adam’s apple bobbed, lips parting as he lifted his leg to make it easier for you. 

The new angle took your breath away. This would be enough for you to get off, but you wouldn’t be selfish. While you slowed your pace a fraction, you moved one of your hands from holding yourself up to cupping him through his underwear. His head dug back into the couch pillow, breathing jagged. 

You began to move your hand through the material, palming him to the best of your ability while maintaining an adequate speed for yourself. His hips lifted involuntarily up to you. He clearly wanted more but was keeping that to himself, so you brought his attention back to you by asking, “Should I continue?”

His head quickly nodded, hands coming down to the side of his underwear to remove the last piece of clothing he had left. Once it was gone, you leaned down to his face, kissing him hard. Your nipples grazed the hot skin of his chest as you squeezed your thighs around the leg that you’d been riding. It was your turn to explore his body with kisses. You kissed his nose, his eyes, his ears, before grazing your teeth across his jaw and then collarbone. He was harder than he’d been a moment ago, fuelling your ego. You knew you were made for him, and he was made for you. 

You took him in your hand, stroking him a few times before darting your tongue out testingly. “You don’t have to do that,” he struggled, watching you intently. 

“I want to,” you told him, slowly lowering your mouth around him. You felt his body tremble as you began to move. One of his hands pushed your hair back from your face as the other clutched yours that was holding you up on the side of the couch. 

You didn’t have to suck and move for long before he pushed you up and off of him. “You need to stop,” he whined, pulling you up to his face again. You were laying on his chest, waiting for him to continue. “It will be over right now,” he explained, almost looking shy. 

You cracked a smile and pecked his lips once before he stated, “Let me touch you.”

You nodded fervently, not embarrassed at all by your eagerness. He shifted you again, so he was back on top, fingers not wasting any time in sneaking into your panties, pulling them down. He barely teased you before a finger entered. You were already so wet that you were asking him for more right after he began. 

He leaned down, mouth enveloping one of your breasts, sucking and pulling at the nipple with his tongue and teeth. He felt amazing. “Another one,” you pleaded, pushing yourself up and into him. It wasn't enough. The itch was getting worse. He responded without hesitation, another finger entering you. 

Yet it still wasn’t enough.

You grabbed a bicep and pulled him up again, waists almost aligned now. You winced, almost in pain, as his tip brushed over the very spot his fingers had just been occupying. “I want more. We need to do this right now.”

“Already?” He asked, a slight quirk to his mouth. Already? Hadn’t they been playing around long enough?

“Yes. Now…Do you have anything?” 

For a moment, you could hear a pin drop in the silence, but he nodded. “In my wallet in my back pocket.”

“Do you often…” You started, almost not wanting him to respond. 

“No, never. I was just hopeful,” he sheepishly answered, eyes trying to locate his pants. He got off you for a minute to find the condom. It was agonizing, waiting for him to get ready. 

You were relieved by his statement. The thought of someone else getting to experience this with him put a sour taste in your mouth. Finally, he found the condom, fumbling with the package. 

He was nervous. So were you. 

To try to ease his nerves, you shifted to a sitting position, placing a small kiss to his shoulder. He relaxed slightly, hands no longer shaking. You watched him put the condom on, finding the action interesting. One day you’d want to watch him please himself, that was for sure.

When he was ready, his fingers found your entrance once again to test to see if you were still ready for him. Nothing had changed. You were still (im)patiently waiting for him. His eyes drooped closed when he realized how much you both wanted this. 

“You’re sure you want this? I mean we just met…” He hesitantly asked, causing your heart to flutter. He was considerate.

“If you are not inside me in the next five seconds, I am going t–” Your words were interrupted by a hard kiss. Your hand went to where you would connect. He was positioning himself, waiting. You moved up, forcing him to start. 

His open mouth rested on yours, not kissing you, just breathing you in. The feeling was new and exciting, both of you wanting to please the other. 

“Let me back on top,” you requested, pushing him back. 

“Again?” He asked, but immediately listened to you, letting you take control by leaning back. 

You lowered onto him, putting one of your feet on the ground beside the couch to use as leverage. “Oh, my god,” your head fell back. 

“Oh, my god,” he repeated your words back to you, hands finding your hips and moving up your ribs. “I can’t believe I finally found you...” 

Jongin’s phone started ringing from his pocket. The ringer seemed deafening to the situation. He ignored it, trying to maintain the pace. It stopped ringing after a few seconds. But not a moment later, whoever was calling tried again. 

Frustrated, you got off him and grabbed the phone, looking at the caller. 

Taemin, it read. 

“Who’s Taemin?” You asked, sitting back on top of him.

He swallowed, you assumed he was trying to keep his composure. “A friend of mine.”

You smirked, not knowing where this calmness and confidence came from. You swiped, picking up the call, “Hello~, Jongin’s phone.”

“H-hey?” The confusion evident in his voice. “Who…”

“We’re a little busy right now, Taemin, can Jongin call you back later?” You asked, shifting on him, your breath hitching, causing him to flinch. 

“Can you just put him on the phone? This is important.” You had planned on hanging up right after you asked him to call you back, but you decided against it, giving the phone to Jongin. 

He looked like he didn’t want it, shaking his head, but you put the phone right to his ear. “Hey,” he sounded annoyed with his friend. 

You could no longer hear what the conversation was about, but from the looks of it, Jongin was only mildly interested, even though it could have been important. 

You began to move again, grinding down onto him. You didn’t want to wait for him to hang up the phone. You wanted him right now. You leaned toward him, kissing his neck. You brought your mouth to his ear that didn’t have a phone pressed against it and whispered, “Isn’t this fun? What’s so important that you can’t have all your attention on me?” Your teeth grazed his earlobe, waiting for him to react. When he shifted under you and made a whine of approval, you smiled against his ear. “Does Taemin know about me?”

“I bet he does now,” he answered, sounding completely distracted. You increased your speed, feeling that you could finish any second now. When you accidentally moaned from hitting the perfect spot, the trance he’d been in broke. “Hey, I’ll call you back…” he dropped the phone, looking you in the eye. “That was not nice…”

“It wasn’t?” His hands held you to him impossibly hard, thrusting up to finish you both off. 

He came first, unsurprisingly. He was beautiful in his orgasm, a bead of sweat falling down the side of his forehead as he looked at you. You continued to move with him, bringing your hand to your clit to help yourself along. He watched, almost as if taking notes on what to do in the future. 

In a moment, you were also done, taking a well-needed break on his chest. 

“You are so interesting,” he commented again, drawing circles on your back. 

“Thank you,” you replied as you pressed a small kiss to his chest. “That was awesome. Way better than I imagined.”

“Same. I could have done without Taemin being there though.” His chest rumbled with his words and a laugh that followed them. “Come on,” he sat up, bringing you up with him, “let’s go eat. The food’s probably getting cold.”

• • • • • •

Later that night, after you’d eaten dinner, you were laying on his bed, just looking at one another. You didn’t think you’d ever get tired of looking at him. 

“So what did Taemin want, really?” You asked, legs tangling with his. 

He closed his eyes and said, “He was explaining a new song he was learning.”

“You haven’t called him back yet,” you commented, a finger tracing over his eyebrows and nose. 

“I’d rather spend time with you,” Jongin admitted. “It’s not every day that you find a soulmate that you’ve been waiting six years for. We have so much to catch up on.”

“We have the rest of our lives,” you assured him, cuddling into his chest and closing your eyes. You were right. You did have the rest of your lives. 

Thinking back to when you were fourteen, the thought of having one person you were destined for made a lot more sense than it did then.

• • • • • •

The bartender smirked at you, his eyes darting to the top of your chest before returning to your face, pushing a glass towards your body with a slight nod of his head. “Do you need anything else?”

Your head shook, fingers dipping into the glass to grasp the dark cherry out of your whiskey sour, popping it between your lips at a painfully slow pace for the tattooed boy before you, his tongue darting out to wet his lips as you chewed. A deep chuckle fell from his lips as he rose an eyebrow, the slit on your thigh spreading a bit as you sat on one of the stools before you as he spoke.

“I thought your father said you were out of town.”

“I got back this morning.” You hummed the words, focusing your gaze on the liquid in your cup as you swirled it around the glass before taking a sip, glancing up at him. “When was he here?”

“Last week.” His head nodded backwards, as if indicating it was ages ago, before his body was moving down the bar with a slight nod in your direction, going to help a couple snapping their fingers in his direction. 

Your father was a powerful man, head of the Park family and backed by many. He was born into it, the line of power in your city always containing the Park name somewhere in the top. Money was potent, and the games people would play to get it were dangerous. Somehow you were born into it all, a silver spoon at your lips from day one and men with guns babysitters over nannies. From a young age you and your siblings were taught how much you mattered more than others, and how to get what you wanted. 

Sometimes you had to play unfairly. 

Things were different for you than your sibling, your brother taught how to shoot a gun and threaten people with his strength, while you were taught to use your body as a weapon, your words as the rope pinning someone down before your kill. You’d never had to hurt someone like he had. You’d seen it, sure, but you got numb to the color red draining from someone's lips far too early to care. You didn’t get stuck doing the dirty work, instead being sent out to woo other families and soften the blows of bad news with a charming smile and wave of your fingers. 

Being the infamous Mr.Park’s only daughter had its perks; wealth, power, a name that made people respect and fear getting on your bad side. When you weren’t out for your father serving as arm candy or an errand boy for his concerns, you spent your time in luxurious houses wherever you wanted, surrounded by the company of any man so lucky to be graced by your presence.

One day soon you’d be made someone’s wife, a non too uncommon occurrence for families in the business yours were in, marriage was a powerful enough connection to end years long rivalries and disputes. Your brother had all been married off, to another family to expand the reign the Parks seem to have over everyone, but you were destined for more. You would be passed off to others rather than bringing more in, drawing an invisible line of gold to the higher ups than ran the country and solidifying the position of the Parks at the top.

Beside the Parks, however, were the Kims. 

The Kims had just as much influence and money as your family did, your families had all but ruled the city for years as not partners but reluctant allies, peace between them but minor assaults with the lower downs. For most of your childhood you were stuck around them, events and weddings and dinners every week that made the faces of their children just as common as your own siblings. They had three boys; Minseok, Jongdae, and Kai.

For much of your youth it was assumed by many you’d be married off to Kai, his good looks enviable to most of the people he met, tall stature and broad shoulders enough to make even the greatest of men shrink smaller in his presence. He was just a year older than you, just as aware of the toxicity of the world around him as you were, and just as fucked up from it. 

You hated him and he hated you, and with age it had become part of your duty. 

You’d always found him intoxicating and insufferable. 

From the way he made it a point to seek you out and push your buttons, to the moronic women he’d choose to surround himself with in his free time he knew how to get under your skin, just as you did his. You were far too similar to the point of distaste, which was only fueled when your families had their falling out when you were just a preteen. Your fathers both wanted the same woman and when yours won it was an all out war, one that had carried on long after your father divorced her and moved on to the next like a used napkin.

You’d gone from seeing the Kims weekly to on rare occasions like weddings and parties only the elite attended, watching them grow from a slow pace to quick jumps with months in between. 

Everyone knew that their families were enemies, that now instead of hoping to marry their children one day to create a lasting unity they were both rushing to marry off the last children they had to the most powerful bidder for an upper hand.  

Currently they were winning, rumors stirring for weeks now that Kai would be marrying Seoyoung Choi, the aristocratic daughter of one of the biggest crime lords in the country. 

Your father had been fuming about it, hence your trip, sent off to deliver some confidential files to the Chois and wine and dine them for information, little of which you got past what he already knew. 

A sigh fell from your lips when you realized your glass was empty, sliding it onto the surface of the marble bar top and resting your chin in your palm, a delicate pout forming on your face as you glanced around the room, a few older men giving you once over and slimy smiles as they walked past, chased by the smell of the cigars trapped in their fingers. 

Something was tickling at the back of your neck that you couldn’t ignore, your gaze lifting as the bartender returned with a fresh drink, making your eyebrow raise in suspicion as you had yet to order another.

“It’s from Mr.Oh.” 

Your body twisted in the direction his head nodded, landing on Sehun smiling charmingly at you from the other side of the lounge, lifting his own glass with a slight nod of his head. His white dress shirt was opened slightly, blazer unbuttoned as one of the men around him leaned down to whisper in his ear, his fingers making a come hither motion all while keeping his eyes peeled to you.

The muscles in your back tensed though you kept your composure cool, drink lifting to your lips as you watched his head turn enough to see whom Sehun had been gesturing too. You’d known it was him before he even looked, wide shoulders delicately draped in a white dress shirt, jacket thrown on the back of the armchair he was occupying. He was holding his glass with just his finger tips, arm dangling off the chair with his legs spread apart, oozing effortless sex appeal without much effort.

Kim Jongin.

Your hips swayed just a tad more than necessary as you approached the men, lips spread into a casual smile. Appearances were everything, after all, and the heat that spread through your body when Jongin’s eyes lingered on your body when you passed him to kiss Sehun’s cheek was almost addictive. 

“How was your trip?” Sehun’s mouth curved into a cat like smile, eyebrows raising as a strand of his dark hair fell onto his forehead when he tilted his body slightly back, your own lowering onto the arm of his chair, his arm lazily resting low around your hips. 

“Fine.” You hummed the words, sipping your drink and glancing in Jongin’s direction, his hazelnut hair pushed back and letting his bone structure shine as he spoke to his brother beside him, a smirk on his plump lips when his gaze moved in your direction lazily. “Kim.”

“Park.”

“Play nice you two, no fighting at my father’s club.” Sehun chuckled into his drink, head shaking as he glanced down at his phone, his wedding band catching the light as he tapped the screen. 

“Talk to her, not me.” You rolled your eyes at the way Jongin’s confidence oozed from the words falling from his lips, his eyes focused on your bare thigh as you shifted your weight, the slit on your dress rising just enough to send a shiver up your spine. 

He looked so relaxed, even with the agitation to your presence clear as day on his handsome features, though a slight fire was burning behind his eyes, like he was daring you to fight back. He had a way of tempting you, of making every space you both occupied feel too small and cramped to contain the tension that swelled like balloons the longer you spoke. It was a blessing that you didn’t see him as much these days, though sharing so many of the circles meant there was never too much time between bumps into each other.

Each one was the same.

Snide comments, annoyed glances whenever the other spoke, the occasional unnecessary touch to catch the other off guard and get a leg up. It was clear it made others uneasy, like they were waiting for that balloon of tension to pop, though it had yet to reach the point of exploding. 

“What did you gentlemen get up to this evening?” Your eyes turned to Jongdae, his smile much more genuine, features far too gentle for the life the world had chosen for him. He was the middle child of the Kims, the one who ran most of the business side of their life with his wife. He was always just a bit too kind, even as children, always the one to scold his brothers for fighting too rough. He was one of the few reasons the Parks had any pleasantries with the Kims at all, his airy charm one that tamed the beast of rage that never ceased inside your father.

“Just had to handle some business uptown.” He shrugged it off like it had been nothing, but you sensed from his town it was more so something he wasn’t allowed to share. You took the cue nonetheless, head gently bobbing, turning back to Sehun when he plucked some of the fabric of your dress hanging on your thigh, lifting it up with a playful expression.

“What about you? Were you expecting to meet someone?” He sounded sexy, despite the ring on his finger, perhaps reminiscing on the months the two of you had spent thinking you’d end up husband and wife. Things hadn’t panned out with the agreement on your father’s parts, ending things but leaving the two of you as close as people like you allowed.

“No.” It was a lie, you’d come to the club hours ago to sweet talk a man your father wanted information off of but it wasn’t something you were about to share, eyes flickering over to Jongin who was too preoccupied staring at your thigh to notice yours lingering on the tattoo poking out on the skin of his tanned chest. “Just came to get a drink and see if anyone interested me enough to get my attention.”

“No luck?” Jongin’s tone was full of mock, lifted and laced with interest you knew he lacked, the muscles in his bicep flexing against the thin fabric of his shirt when he raised his glass to his lips before speaking. “How shocking.”

“Fuck off, Kai.” You all but sang the words, not an air of sting in your appearance from his attempt to piss you off, your hand raising to brush the hair from your neck, running your finger along our collar bone as his eyes narrowed at you. 

He hated when you called him that, a nickname he mainly used for appearances, perhaps to keep a part of himself separate from what the people close to him got to experience. 

Not that you were close. Far from it.

Still, when it came from your lips you knew it made him angry, maybe because despite your distaste for each other you’d been around him since you were children. 

Maybe he took it as a sign of disrespect. 

Good.

“Cut it out, would you?” Sehun groaned, his grip on you going slack as he sat up right and rubbed at his temple. “You two are giving me a headache. I’m going to get a drink, does anyone need anything?”

Jongdae nodded his head absentmindedly, Jongin waving his hand as his eyes burned holes into your skull, your attention still on Sehun as your head shook side to side. 

“I’m going to head home soon, thank you though.” Your hand clasped around his arm as he stood to give it a gentle squeeze, a smile spreading on his lips while he peered down at you. His eye dropped into a wink before he left, Jongdae raising to follow him, leaving you and Jongin in a beat of silence.

The air was beginning to feel thin, your chest rising and falling once heavily from the weight of this gaze on you when you stood, one hand smoothing out your dress while the other lifted your glass to knock back the rest of your drink. 

“Leaving so soon?” His eyebrows rose like he was challenging you as you began to walk closer to move past him, his leg stretching out to momentarily block your path. 

“Sorry to disrupt your view of my thighs but I don’t want to bore myself with you all night.” You relished in the way his nostrils flared slightly, his arms serving as leverage as he pushed into an upright position, the space between the two of you just a bit too small. “Now move.”

“Make me.” He may have been annoyed but he was hiding it well, a smirk rising onto his lips at the childlike quip, growing a hair wider when you huffed at his response. His gaze dropped to your waist, his glass abandoned on the chair and leaving his hand to spread just a bit too low on your hip. “And don’t act so innocent. You love the attention, I know you.” 

“You don’t know me.” You ignored the goosebumps rising on your thigh when his fingers splashed out wider, just barely brushing the curve of your ass. You didn’t bother putting up much of an argument, you did love the attention, the confidence it pumped into your veins, feeding the ego that lived in the depths of your mind. 

“I know enough.” He hummed, his other hand raising and brushing the hair off your shoulder, grazing the skin of your neck for a heartbeat. Your palms rose to rest against his abdomen in response, feeling the muscles move when he took a sharp breath. 

“And what exactly is it you know then?”

He laughed breathily, hand now wandering to your lower back as he pulled your body closer, the material of his shirt wrinkling under your fingertips. 

“I know you were staring at me when I was talking to Jongdae. I know the look you get when you’ve been caught in a lie and trying to find a way out of it. I know you’ve been fucking the bartender you were talking to before Sehun called you over. I know you went out of town to see the Choi’s.” He paused for a moment before speaking again, licking his lips as he leaked in, lips brushing the shell of your ear as he whispered just low enough for only you to hear. “I know you like the way I’m holding you right now.”

You swallowed, lips parting slightly and closing, struggling to think of what to say and cursing yourself for the cocky laugh that blew against your neck. His hand remained on your lower back, though your palms had fallen downwards towards his hips, stomachs brushing while you tried to regain your composure in the too hot room.

“So tell me,” Jongin drew the words out slowly while he dragged his finger down your bare arm “Why is it you went to see the Chois?”

“Just wanted to pay your future in-laws a hello.” He had leaned away enough to look at your face when you spoke, the corner of his eyebrow twitching with annoyance, giving your own a lip upwards. Your index fingers slipped through two of the loops on the front of his slacks near the zipper, his eyes darting down to the action though his body remained relaxed. “Tell me, have you two decided on the big day yet?” 

“Jealous are we?” He sounded condescending and unfazed, though his body seemed to stiffen when you leaned in closer towards his face as he’d done to you a moment before.

“Not at all.”

“Then why are you so concerned with who I marry?” 

“I like knowing what’s going on, I guess.” Your shoulders rose and fell as you flashed him a flirty smile, hands moving to his chest, which you patted before stepping back from him glancing towards the door and thinking about your waiting car outback. “Just happy it won’t be me.”

“Keep telling yourself that.” 

He watched you as you moved around him without a goodbye, acting as if the absence of his warmth on the bare skin of your lower back didn’t make your teeth clench. His own hands were flattening out the front of his shirt, bottom lip jutted out slightly as he blew a piece of hair off his forehead that had fallen forward.

You hated the way it made heat crawl up your spine while you pushed the exit door open, throat feeling tight while your fingers toyed at one of the rings on your fingers. Agitation started to claw at your chest, angry that you hadn’t stopped him from getting to you sooner, more angry that you liked the way it felt to have his skin on yours. 

God, it felt good.

Your eyes squeezed shut for a moment, hands curling into fists at the mental image of his face up close replaced in your mind, the smell of his cologne lingering on your dress from your bodies pressing together. It was dangerous, being so close, people could have seen you or either one of you could have slipped and mentioned something the other couldn’t know.

It was a risky game and tonight you were a willing participant, blood pumping from the way he’d gripped you. From the way his lips had brushed your ear and sent your stomach into a frenzy so wild it was hard to keep your composure. 

This was Kim Jongin.

Someone you hated.

Someone you had to hate.

And you let him start to get to you.

------

Seoyoung Choi looked stunning in the long navy blue dress flowing from her delicate body, a laugh floating from her lips too far away for you to hear, the large ballroom of the Choi’s family estate full of enough wanted men to make the police weak in the knees. Seoyoung was holding onto her fiance, diamond ring big enough to see even from across the room, the black of his blazer on his arm beneath it enough to make it pop. Jongin’s lips were spread into a smile as he chatted with a few older men surrounding him and his bride to be with good wishes.

It made your stomach churn, ears ringing, all but drowning out the clueless man beside you, his hand too low on your back as he laughed at the words coming from his friend's mouth nearby. 

Chanyeol’s response was enough to send the gentlemen into harder fits of giggles, his eyes subtly rolling as he knocked back the rest of his drink, eyes darting to yours before his hand came to rest on your back. You rustled up a fake laugh on cue, excusing the pair of you into the sea of people, reluctantly migrating in the couple’s direction, politely smiling at each face that bowed in respectful hellos.

“This is miserable.” You sighed the words as your fingers wrapped around the glass from a passing server’s tray, sipping at it while Chanyeol glanced down at you. 

The two of you were only a year apart in age, your father’s first wife the only woman he’d had children with despite the pressure it put on the both of you to not let him down. Sure, being his only daughter had its cons, but being the only son was a different world to your own. Chanyeol would be left to run things one day, the eldest child’s right. His big eyes and gentle smile hid the fearless man inside, more accustomed to late night business to attend to than the lavish parties with stuffy guests.

“You should be used to this by now.” He chuckled, his fingers raising to scrape through his combed back hair, a puff of air blowing past his lips. His eyes trailed over to Jongin and Seoyoung, the pair of you holding back from the obligatory hello while they chatted with some other guests. “I’m the one dying over here. First night off in weeks and I’m stuck here celebrating that prick.”

The announcement had come a week ago, splashing the pages of a few papers and an entire page in the weddings section. ‘Kim Jongin to marry Seoyoung Choi’ was the simple text you’d gotten from your father that afternoon, words loaded with more anger than they conveyed. The line of power trickled down like a pyramid, and the only person above the Chois was the Head Boss himself.

It was a blow to your father’s ego, hating the thought of the Kim’s getting that much more power, that much more leverage over him, despite the fact that he was trying to do the same thing using you. He didn’t like being beaten to the punch line, bringing out the worst parts of him that seethed for him to remain atop all others, from the top of a hill so high everyone else looked like ants so tiny down below.

He’d still insisted you and your brother should go to the dinner and party the Chois were hosting to celebrate the engagement news, inviting people from all the most influential groups to come toast to the happy couple. 

Disgusting.

As much as you wanted to protest you were smart enough to know better. As much as the Parks hated the Kims, they would now have the Choi’s on their side and you couldn’t afford to threaten losing their kindness.

“Do you think they even like each other?” The words flowed out softly when Chanyeol glanced at you, his eyebrows raising in response as his footsteps began again.

“Does it matter?” He laughed lightly, hand finding its way to your back to guide you forward towards them, body craned down to whisper in your ear “Just be glad it isn’t you.”

You could have been his bride.

“Seoyoung...Kai.” Your lips were tugged into a beautiful smile when you reached them, voice your usual flirty calm while you crossed a leg in front of the other, the black of your dress clinging to your chest and hips before cutting off just below your knees. You brushed off your previous thought as you bowed your head slightly forward. “Congratulations.”

Jongin’s head raised with eyebrows furrowed together for a brief moment, interest peaked away from the conversation with an older woman beside him that had his face painted with boredom. A spark trickled down your back when his lip raised slightly, recognizing it was you, a cocky air rising over his figure as Seoyoung, all the unwise, spoke beside him.

“Thank you, we’re thrilled you could both make it.” 

“Speak for yourself.” Jongin murmured the words just loud enough to make your teeth bite at your lips to keep them shut, the smug smile that pulled tighter on his mouth proving he was liking making you squirm. He knew how much your family must have hated this news, despite however he may have felt about it. He could have done a lot worse than Seoyoung, you suspected, despite the position of power also holding a lot more risk of harm.

“What was that dear?” Seoyoung rose an eyebrow, turning her head towards him with the genuine concern of an innocent child. “I didn’t hear you.”

Dear. 

The word made your nostrils flare subconsciously, eyes lingering over Jongin as he smiled at her and shook his head like it was nothing, his fingers raising to push some hair behind her ear. Her cheeks ignited a soft pink, making you resist the urge to roll your eyes. The action looked soft, entirely unlike Jongin’s appearance just a mere moment ago, his eyes comforting his wife to be into a nod and shy laugh. 

Your hands moved to fold in front of your stomach, subconsciously spinning the rings on your fingers as Seoyoung’s head turned back towards Chanyeol as he spoke. Your head turned to her, vision trained on her face as she spoke casually with him, but the words did not register in your ears. A group pushing past behind you caused your body to move forward, ending up beside Jongin while Chanyeol stood near Seoyoung, your brother’s hands moving animatedly and eliciting laughter from Seoyoung.

A beat past as the air in the room grew still, their chatter sounding miles away as your kept your eyes anywhere but on Jongin, vaguely aware of his gaze on the side of your face. His cologne was just strong enough to fill your senses, the memory of his body so close to yours not that long ago in the club enough to make it difficult for you to swallow.

You wished someone would deck you hard enough to knock sense into you, feeling somewhat unlike yourself. 

Finding out he was engaged seemed to bother you somewhere down inside, the familiar bickering you’d both grown accustomed to now feeling like too much effort. The sexual tension had been building there in the depths of your minds where you could ignore it for years, and perhaps now you were left feeling like it led to nowhere.

Had you wanted it to lead somewhere?

Had he?

“What’s with you?” Your body turned just enough to face Jongin, his deep voice cutting through the haze clouding your mind, lips automatically forming into a small scowl from the way his eyes traveled across your body. 

“Nothing’s with me.” 

“You’re being quiet.”

“Just not interested in talking to you.” You chose to ignore the small step closer to your side he took, Seoyoung having dropped his arm when she moved to cover her face in a laugh. 

“Now, now, you’re supposed to be here celebrating me.” The grin on his lips would have been incredibly sexy if it hadn’t made your muscles tighten, one of his eyebrows raising like a challenge, like he was trying to bait you into the familiar game of spitting seething words at each other. 

You remained silent for a moment, mind wandering back to the thought that it could have been you with the diamond ring on his finger. It could have been you bearing the Kim name for as long as he’d have you. It could have been you he’d come home to at night, you who got the gentle touches he’d just been giving Seoyoung. 

“Seriously, what’s with you?” Jongin’s eyebrow had dropped, his face growing blank when you didn’t respond as quickly as usual, your eyes flitting down to his suit jacket while your shoulders rose and fell casually. “Is someone jealous?”

You scoffed, eyes rolling in your skull at a painfully slow pace, hip popping out when you rested one hand against it.

“Jealous? Of what? Your new business deal?” You’d leaned in slightly so the words were only loud enough for his ears, head bobbing in the direction of his fiance not so far behind him. The bitter tone laced in your tongue was strong, the chatter of the party background noise for the growing symphony of thoughts in your mind.  “Congratulations on the trophy wife, can’t wait to see your kids on the Christmas cards.” 

“Sounds like jealousy to me.” His eyes narrowed at your own, trailing down to your lips for a moment before he cleared his throat. You tensed up, feeling his fingertips brushing against the back of your hand, like a ghost that vanished in a moment.

“Bite me.” 

“Only if you ask nicely.” 

“You’d like that wouldn’t you?” The air was getting thick, blood pounding in your eardrums when his hand grazed your own again, this time trickling against your palm while his eyes carried back upwards, your volume low. Your heart felt like it was going to burst from your chest despite the confident tone. 

His eyes glued onto your own, both of your chests rising and falling just a tad more quickly than everyone else's, neither one of you wanting to be the one who backed down, threatening the other to make a move, like a game of chest between two champions.

“Maybe I would.” 

“Don’t you ladies look beautiful this evening.” 

The pair of your heads turned at the quiet but powerful voice, bodies separating a foot apart so quickly it would have been missed with a blink, Jongin’s words repeating in your brain like a busted record. 

Maybe I would.

“Mr.Lee.” Chanyeol’s head lowered quickly, the rest of yours quickly doing the same, body feeling overwhelmed, veins full of electricity when you took a quick glance at Jongin. Your chest felt red and blotchy and you prayed it didn’t show, that the confident smile on your lips when your head rose to meet Lee Donghae’s charming gaze was enough to conceal the fire rumbling in your soul.

The head boss. 

He was an elusive man, constantly needed wherever he wasn't. He hadn’t been the boss for long, his own father running things until a few years ago when he got shot in the back while out at dinner with his wife. You’d met before, but not for many years, the last time you’d seen him at your sixteenth birthday party. He was eleven years your senior but even then you remembered how you and your girlfriends giggled over his good looks.

Age had only made him more handsome, dark hair brushing his shoulder tops and pulled half up to expose his charismatic face. He’d killed many and been responsible for the harm of many more, and yet he always came across as someone who wouldn’t harm a fly, someone who would stop his car to help a turtle across the road. It was a wonder he hadn’t already gotten married, though there had never been as much focus on the matter prior to his father’s passing. 

Not that no one had tried, many women spent evenings draped on his arm only to be thrown out weeks later when he found a reason to not deem them worthy, the honor of being the boss's wife, one that many families would give up most for. The power that came with the title was stronger than most others, deeming you one of the biggest targets and yet somehow supposedly untouchable.

“Thank you for coming, sir.” Jongin’s deep voice drew Donghae’s attention away from where it was lingering on your face with a lazy smile on his own mouth, your vision shifting between the two men’s exchange. “We’re honored you made the time to join us.”

“The pleasure’s mine, though you two should be out dancing and enjoying yourselves.” Donghae flashed his most charming smile, as if he didn’t have a care in the world, a man coming up behind him and bowing while passing off his drink. Donghae took a sip and let his eyes resettle on you, his eyebrows raising. “Ms.Park, would you care to join me?”

The other three pairs of eyes were on you, Chanyeol swallowing as he shifted his weight subconsciously foot to foot, perhaps from anxiety. Seoyoung was too distracted letting out a giggle when Donghae winked at her playfully.

“I’m glad you asked.” He took a step closer at your words with his hand extended, the other reaching over to set his glass on a nearby table. Your stomach did a flip as your palm raised to rest in his waiting one, the cool touch of his skin a contrast to the fire of Jongin’s a few minutes ago. The thought made your knees feel weak as you stepped closer to Donghae, letting habit guide you into his territory. “Lead the way, boss.”

His grin made you laugh lightly, his head turning towards the area of the room people were dancing as he began to lead you away, the amount of eyes on you expanding by the moment when his hands brushed down your sides to rest on your lower back and hip as you began to sway. Your body relaxed into his with the flow of the music, arms landing languidly around his shoulders, eliciting a suggestive chuckle deep from his chest as you settled into the moment.

Your bodies rocked, turning in slow circles with the chandeliers casting low glow over the bodies around you, a few whispers tickling at your ears when his lips dipped to just barely brush against your cheek.

“Did I mention you look beautiful tonight?”

“You may have.” It came out in a breathy laugh as you looked past his shoulder, eyes landing on a stony Jongin whose jaw was clenched tightly closed. Your insides tightened, lungs feeling like fruit that shrank in the blazing heat of the sun, his eyes locking onto yours and sending a jolt of adrenaline into your veins. “Thank you, though.”

“No, thank you. I’m the lucky one for getting to see such a sight.” Donghae’s words fell on mostly mute ears, your focus pouring into Jongin, his fist clenching at his sides when your body continued to turn away. 

You didn’t respond, the comfortable silence growing even as his grip on you tightened enough to pull your body flush against his as the music slowed, the fire of Jongin’s gaze enough to encourage you to drop your head onto Donghae’s shoulder, his fingers brushing up and down your back in sequence. 

Your brain felt like it’d been shaken in a jar for the past few hours and as a result your systems were starting to crash. It shouldn’t matter that Jongin appeared angry at the sight in front of him, it shouldn’t make him angry at all. You shouldn’t care he was engaged, shouldn’t feel a jolt of joy every time you snuck a glane in his direction and he was still watching you press against another man. 

Maybe I do.

His voice drifted into your mind as your eyes floated shut for a moment, briefly picturing his body glued to yours instead of the man currently brushing his lips on the top of your head. You wished you could smell his cologne, could feel the shape of his shoulders under your fingertips while he whispered into your ear secrets for no one else. You wanted to drown in the feel of him, to swallow every drop of words that fell from his lips. Wanted to suffocate on his lips and fade away with him on top of you, suddenly so overwhelmed with the intoxicating thought of him that it was hard to focus on much else.

After the song ended you excused yourself, making up a coy smile as you muttered words about needing to use the powder room as your heels carried you away from the handsome man. Two pairs of eyes were on your back as you pushed your way out into the empty hall leading to the elevators and restroom, swallowing thickly when the bathroom door finally clicked shut behind you. 

The walls felt like they were spinning, your eyes squeezing shut as the muffled party continued on through the thick walls around you. Your back leaned into the sink across from the door, hands raising to drag down your face, a soft groan falling from your lips at the frustration growing in your stomach.

You were confused, lost in your own emotions and what they meant, agitated by the churning in your stomach every time your mind wandered back to Jongin. It was too much, the sudden fury your heart was making in his proximity and the way you’d been losing the ability to wade through his haze. He was like a drug you’d yet to get a hit of, one that you’d been avoiding for too long and now just the sight of it could make your mouth water.

You were losing it.

All this chaos over Kim Jongin.

Fucking Kim Jongin.

Your thoughts were interrupted by the door pushing open, your lips parting to shout the room was occupied when his tall figure rushed in. The words hung in your throat, his hand twisting the lock behind him before he took long strides to you, hands landing on either side of your body and trapping you against the sink.

“Kai-”

“Stop fucking calling me that.” Jongin’s tone was dark, his previously perfect hair having fallen slightly onto his forehead, which was creased as his eyebrows scrunched together. You swallowed, hands gripping the counter beside his own, ears ringing and body tingling from the proximity and his clear anger. “What the hell was that?”

“What?” You wanted to curse at how weak you uttered a response, too distracted by the heat of his body radiating onto yours, his figure hovering slightly over you while his eyes stayed glued to your face.

“Since when are you so cozy with the boss?’

Something about the question set you off, perhaps because you were getting caught up enjoying the closeness of his body and now it seemed like he was just angry that maybe you were winning. Regardless, it made the fog of Jongin clear enough for your hands to push against his chest, sending him back just enough for you to push off the counter and try to shove around him.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“We’re not done.” His hand was on your hip the moment you passed him, whipping your body around and pushing your back against the door with a gentle thud before you had time to react. His arm pushed against the surface beside your head, face leaning in close enough you could feel his breath fan across your face as his chest heaved in anger, your own matching the rhythm. 

“Get off of me.” Despite the venom in your voice your own hands moved upwards, fisting into the collar of his blazer against his chest, feeling his heartbeat rattling against the skin. His jaw clenched and unclenched, your back arching your body towards his as his other hand grabbed at the loose fabric at the back of your dress.

“I asked you a fucking question.” It was low and threatening, sending shivers down your spine as your eyes drifted shut momentarily, his head dipping closer to your own, gaze dipping from your face to the crook of your neck as his hand began to drift downwards.

“Are you jealous, Mr.Kim?” 

His lips made contact, for just a moment, with the skin of your shoulder, making you sigh and tilt your head back, it hitting the solid door with a soft bang, stomachs pressing together close enough to feel the muscles contract beneath his shirt, your finger slipping from his collar down towards the button. 

“You’d like that wouldn’t you, Ms.Park?” He repeated your own words back to you, husky and lazy as his lips dragged their way along your collarbone, taking advantage of your exposed neck, traveling upwards as the tension between you reached a fever pitch. 

“Maybe I would.”

Your whispered quip back was cut short in an instant, his mouth crashing into yours in a fevered kiss that made you involuntarily whimper into plump lips. You grabbed at each other like you were starved and getting your first taste of food, his hand greedily gripping onto the bend of your knee, gilding your leg up around his hip as your dress pushed up your hips. His jacket was pushed open in a heartbeat, your hands pushing inside and running around his covered back as your lips separated and reattached between breaths.

“Jongin.” Your voice sounded needy, a hard breath falling from his lips as they traveled back down your neck, leaving a trail of sloppy kisses and light bites down the skin in his wake, fingernails dragging against his shirt and hips pressing into his. 

“Fuck.” He muttered, his hand against the door abandoning its post to tangle in your hair, pulling your mouth back to his as his body stumbled backwards towards the sink, body all but on top of him as the cool surface made contact with his backside.

Inside everything was exploding, the thumping of your heart in your eardrums melding with the muffled music and laughter of people a few feet away. Feeling so close to someone had never felt so good, so electric, the sensation of Jongin’s hand pushing up under your dress to claw at the skin of your hips so delicious it had you panting. You felt drunk on him. Drunk on this person you were supposed to hate and up until now wanted nothing to do with.

Your fingers haphazardly worked at the buttons of his shirt, pushing it open and detaching your mouths to press airy kisses along his collarbones, his body leaning backwards as he drank the attention in. His fingers toyed with your hair, eyes fixated on you as you trailed your fingertip along the tattoo between his pecs. 

Someone knocking at the door did little to slow either of you, his hands reaching around to grab at your bottom half and pull you against his groin, the heel on your foot tapping into the tile as it made contact with the floor without him clinging to your leg. 

“Jongin.” You repeated his name so lightly you almost didn’t hear it yourself, his lips tingling back up into yours, teeth dragging along your bottom lip as his fingers spread across your ass, his labored breathing making his nostrils flare and your thighs quiver, something inside you on the verge of snapping as another knock sounded at the door. 

“Fuck off, it’s occupied.” Jongin’s voice sounded dark and pissed at the intrusion, barked at the door with his eyes narrowed as your bodies stilled against each other, lashes fluttering as you stared at his puffy red lips. His grip on your skin didn’t loosen, shirt hanging open and pants hanging lower on his hips, dripping authority as the sound of the feet outside the door dissipated. 

The momentary pause in movement allowed your eyes to settle onto each other, a beat passing before you were separating as quickly as lightning, like the other’s touch was burning them and they’d only just noticed.

What were you doing?

His hand rose to wipe at the back of his mouth, your feet stumbling slightly as you tugged your dress back down and stepped back, trying to regain your breathing. A thousand words lingered in the air either of you had spoken, tension so thick your body felt slow as it turned and unlocked the door, slipping out with a breeze and only stopping your beeline for the elevators when you noticed the tall figure already waiting at them.

Your head lifted, thoughts a mile a minute as the door opened and closed again behind you, Jongin brushing against you as he slipped past, his hands re-buttoning his jacket and situating his hair as he entered the party without a second glance in your direction. 

Chanyeol was silent as he watched him go, gaze then drifting to the bathroom door, before finally landing on you with his hand stretched towards you. 

“Let’s go.”  You swallowed at his authoritative tone, head turning towards the door to the party, for a brief moment wishing Jongin could slip back out and somehow save you from the burning gaze of your brother, shoulders heavy and body aching for the one man’s touch you weren’t supposed to know as Chanyeol spoke again. “Now.”