#johnwalker

Bucky: Walker🙂

John Walker's Thunderbolt beret needs to stay.

Bucky(pointing at john): do not add to the population

Bucky(pointing at Yelena): do not subtract from the population

Bucky(pointing at Ava): also do not subtract from the population)

Bucky(pointing at Alexei): do not, at any point, name the team thunderboltz

Bucky(pointing at Bob): do not...

Bob(sitting in his chair reading): ....

(Its one of those straps that actually shoot liquid from it, but y/n you changed the original liquid out for real cum)

Yes, I know im disgusting. Leave me alone. We all know it's morally wrong and would never do it, but this is a damn fic, so scroll if you dont like it.

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Okay so first: I do not agree with John Walker. He makes terrible choices. He murders people. He loses it. I am not saying he’s a good guy. But if you actually look at the context? The emotional, mental, human context? He makes… sense. Not excusable sense, but understandable sense.

He wasn’t thinking clearly. He was grieving Lemar. He was carrying the serum, which literally warps your brain and amplifies everything you feel. And what if it was Bucky and Steve instead of Lemar? Or Sam and Bucky? Or even just someone he loved and lost while trying to be a symbol of something bigger than himself? He was trapped between grief, guilt, power, and expectation, and the world demanded he be perfect anyway. He had no space to just be a human beingin a situation that was impossible to survive emotionally.

And also… Midwest emo. Like. Very clearly Midwest emo. I don’t normally post music stuff but hear me out: Be Nice To Me by The Front Bottoms just… screams John Walker. The metaphors hit too hard:

“You’re a flashlight in a dark room… but the batteries ran out.” Lemar is the flashlight. The thing that kept John grounded, kept him human, kept him anchored when everything else is chaos. When Lemar dies? The batteries are gone. John is stumbling blind, still trying to do right, still trying to hold it together, and failing because he literally has no guide.

“You’re a werewolf and I’m a full moon.” John believes he causes everything bad. The serum, his anger, his impulsiveness — he’s the storm. Lemar is caught in it, hurt because of him, and John carries the guilt like a boulder that won’t budge.

All the lines about breaking, failing, lying, and screaming into the void? That’s John screaming into the world after Lemar dies. That’s him trying to make sense of a world that won’t make sense, trying to be the symbol he’s supposed to be, while the person who kept him human is gone.

Some comic context for the record: John is literally canonically a US Agent in the comics, trained to be the government’s “perfect” patriotic soldier. He kills villains under orders, struggles with authority and morality, and has a really messy emotional life in canon too. MCU just… condensed all the trauma into one intense arc with Lemar and the serum.

The song isn’t justification. It’s devastation. It’s guilt. It’s grief and rage and self-loathing all tangled together. John is violent and wrong and dangerous and also… heartbreakingly human. He’s angry, he’s scared, he’s desperate, he’s trying to do the right thing in a world that won’t let him. And he will never be allowed to be a human who fails, because the serum and the government and the symbol he carries won’t let him exist quietly.

ship so good, it made me post for the first time in years. Disclaimer: This is unedited and was written instead of sleeping. I saw a fic on AO3 that inspired this, and I thought I'd give it a go because I can't get these two out of my head.

Rated T for some swearing

1202 words

Ava Starr/John Walker, other characters briefly mentioned, Ava centered.

title from Hurt by Amber Run

*

The truth is, Ava still had a lot of secrets. Well aware of the coaxing she’s received since joining a team that’s built on vulnerability. She’s spent her entire life vulnerable, and all it’s done is make her feel weak and pitiful. The truth is, most nights, Ava would lie awake in paralyzing pain. Her condition was better controlled than before, sure, partially due to Janet’s quantum energy, partly due to Valentina. As much as she hates to come to terms with the fact, Valentina’s tech has saved her life. 

A lot of different variables can lead to a bad night. Not eating, not enough water, a headache, an injury, but what never fails to send her body into panic mode is a mission gone wrong.

They happened more than she’d like to admit. 

Miscommunication, mistrust, and disagreements. They’re all still getting used to working on a team. Besides, Walker and Bucky, it’s new to all of them. 

That led to nights like this. 

Ava stumbled into her room with heavy steps, her entire body burned. The fire underneath her skin spread through every cell and nerve that made her up. She felt everything and nothing all at once. 

Walker’s grip against the plating on her waist was what grounded her, what kept her there. Of course, it was Walker, of all people, who would find her at a time like this. He may be awfully dimwitted, but he was undoubtedly the most observant person on the team. His look of recognition didn’t go unnoticed by her. At first, she received confused looks, but they slowly became more concerned and even caring. Walker was the one to toss her a protein bar once they got back from every mission, because he noticed her lack of urgency to eat. Walker is the one who has figured out when it’s not time to give her a hard time, because he recognizes her behavior patterns. He was the first to learn her rhythm during training, hence why he quickly became her favorite to spar with. He’s taken note of her go-to snacks and drinks and makes sure to keep them stocked for her. Like the tea she likes to make on nights she’s restless, or the cereal that reminds her of breakfasts with her parents.   

It was safe to say she knew he had to be the first to find out. 

The hand that held her own, pulled over his shoulders, brought her arm over his head and set her gently on her bed, only then did he stop to take in the room they now occupied. In the few months as the new avengers, none of them have been in her room, let alone seen what it contained. It was one of the many boundaries she had set without words.   

Her room resembled a hybrid of a prison cell and a lab, obviously drawing inspiration from every other room she’s had since the accident. Apart from the machinery, exposed wires, and metal, she hadn’t bothered decorating. After all, she’s never been able to before, and she didn’t have enough possessions to begin with. She wouldn’t know where to start. “Geez, Aves. This is…” 

A lot. She was well aware. The room resembled that of her old quantum chamber, built by her friend Bill Foster. This, however, was a condensed version; Valentina’s team called a quantum regulator. Instead of being its own room, it surrounded her bed, with a third of the height, only going up to a foot above her mattress. It wasn’t pretty, but it did the job. 

“It’s just to help with the pain. Keeps me stable.” Keeps me alive. Ava hit the buttons she’s since memorized, robotically switching the machine on. It was soundless, but she felt its effects immediately. The quantum waves worked their way through her skin, inside her body, soothing the pain, helping her refocus, as she moved to lie down. 

John stood at the bed, warily, obviously uncomfortable. His eyes moved to study the dark room, the strange equipment, and the way her body was slowly starting to become solid again. “I had no idea you were…”

“It’s fine. It’s nothing new.” She’d long given up on the idea of the pain going away for good. Janet Van-Dyne had given her that initial hope, but it hadn’t lasted long before reality decided to set in. 

Ava slowly started to peel her suit off, revealing the thin, comfortable layer she had on underneath: a loose, white long-sleeved shirt and dark leggings. Her joints felt tight and strained.

“Right.” John watched her with that concerned look she’d often find him wearing. His mouth was slightly open, like he wanted to say something but lacked the right words, and his brow was tight, like he was currently working out what he could do to help. “Can I sit, or is thing gonna give me ghost powers, too?” He gestured, dramatically, at the bed.

Ava snorted, a soft puff of air. She shoved her suit to the side of her bed and reached up with a sore arm to pull her hair loose from its bun. “It won’t affect you, if that’s what you’re wondering.” 

Walker nodded and took a seat on the edge of her bed, at her side. He still wore his suit, worn and devoid of color. He had various cuts on his face that he hadn’t even mentioned yet, but likely needs some bit of medical attention. No, since arriving back at the tower, he was solely focused on getting Ava the help she needed. 

“Thank you,” Ava said softly, eyes on him. It was moments like this, albeit sometimes rare, when she could see through his hard exterior. It helps her soften her own. 

“Hey, don’t mention it.” Walker shrugged, sparing her a glance before shaking his head and staring at the floor. “Least I can do in return for you saving my ass every mission.” 

“So, he finally admits it,” Ava smirks, tiredly, her arm draped lazily over her stomach. 

“You know, I’m trying to be genuine, here, and you’re making it very difficult.” Walker chuckled, despite himself, through the corner of his eye. 

“Sorry, please keep going.” She teased, from her spot in the bed, she was starting to feel drowsy. The mission took a lot out of her, and sometimes her regulator did too good of a job getting her to relax. 

“Seriously, you know you don’t have to be doing this alone anymore, right? I mean the others, they’re not going to give you shit for this. We’re all our own tragic messes.” Walker sobered, his small smile becoming a thin line, eyes hardening with assurance. 

“That includes you, too, cap?” Ava challenged, raising her brow lazily at him, smirking despite his soft words. 

“Well, I’m here, aren’t I?” He says it with mock annoyance, but the corners of his mouth are twitching and there’s a softness in his eyes she’s never seen before. 

Another Thunderbolts* Animatic! Gonna crash out because TikTok muted it for copyright, and I had to speed it up there to avoid it :( Weeks of work for it to be 1.8x speed >:(