#johnnyheadcanons

he had been dragging his feet, feeling like a walking corpse for weeks, a complete shadow and shell of the man he once was - the man that oozed confidence and had not a care in the world. but now? now everything seemed meaningless. the drugs weren’t getting him high enough, the alcohol wasn’t getting him drunk enough and even the sex wasn’t doing it for him. he simply felt empty - he felt nothing at all and everything at once simultaneously and he didn’t know how to deal with it, felt as though he was going absolutely insane. and when his usual tricks seemed to not be working anymore, he found himself at the door of someone he never thought he’d turn to in a time like ths - his mother.

the kennedy headquarters was a huge building in downtown los angeles - a giant glass building that housed hundreds of employees for all of his mother’s and his sister’s many business ventures - but none that were his own, a realization that was hitting him more and more with every step he took down the long, eerily minimalistic hallway towards the gigantic white doors that led to his mother’s office. he hesitates for a moment, before he realizes that this is his only hope. his mother may have been ruthless, but she loved, him right? she had gotten him out of so many of his own messes before, surely she’d be able to get him out of this one.

with a deep breath, hand reaches out to pull the door open, stepping into the room as he closes it behind him, eyes falling on the blonde behind her desk, frantically typing away at her computer. “mom?” johnny says quietly, causing kathy to lift her head and avert her attention towards him. “darling, it’s kathy, you know mom makes me feel like an old lady. come in, i was just reading up the contracts for your spinoff, we certainly can’t fit in all of your antics in one episode anymore, why not give you your own?” she beamed at him. “i told you i didn’t want to  do that.” johnny answered back, slowly making his way into the room as he sat down in one of the plush chairs in front of her desk as she laughed at him. “honey, you don’t even know what you want, trust me.” she said, pointing to the elaborate script sign that hung up above her desk that read ‘kathy knows best.’ and turned back to her computer.

he stayed quiet for what felt like hours, staring down at his shoes as all of his thoughts swirled in his mind, so many things, but nothing all at once, until he finally blurted out. “i’m depressed.” which caused kathy to jerk her head upwards once more, staring at him blankly. “i wake up every day wishing that i hadn’t, and i’ve tried drinking, i’ve tried drugs, i’ve tried fucking everything to make it stop and go away, but it’s not. and i don’t know what to do and i...i’m scared. i don’t want to be found in some fucking alleyway like some junkie and i don’t want to be a fucking loser but i don’t know how to stop. i look in the mirror and i hate myself because i’m not someone that matters and i just...i need help mom.” he admitted for the first time outloud. 

a cold, stoic, emotionless stare is what kathy serves him, slowly moving her glasses from her face as she leans slightly forward in her seat. “jonathan, rich people can’t be depressed. if you’re an addict, we can check you into a nice little rehabilitation center like your pretty friend, austen. you can stay there for a while, come out, have a little redemption arc episode, i can get you sponsorships with all of those silly little mental health apps and you’ll be good to go.” she said with a raise of her brow. “but don’t sit here and tell me you’re depressed. you have nothing to be depressed about, i’ve given you everything you’ve ever wanted and more.” she said, taking a breath before she went to continue, but johnny wouldn’t let her.

“you haven’t given me shit.” he spat back. “you’ve given me nothing, you’ve used me as your little fucking pawn since the day i was born because i was the only one who wouldn’t fight you on it, you rewarded me for acting like an asshole and a shitty person and now i’m almost fucking thirty years old and what do i got to show for it? a criminal record? a slew of women who hate my guts? a shitty reputation? the only person who ever gained anything from any of that is you and you know it.” he spat back at her, causing kathy to stand from her seat and reach over the desk and smack him across the face, holding his chin in her hands. “listen up, jonathan. i never held a gun to your head, nor did i to your sisters. they all ventured off, did their own things, became their own people and when you never did i worked relentlessly to give you something that was yours, i allowed you to do whatever you goddamn want because you have no talents, you have no passion, you wouldn’t know drive if it kicked you in the ass. you’re lazy. and entitled and selfish, so i used that to make you matter. and you want to blame me? sit here and claim that you’re depressed? please jonathan, you have no one to blame for that but yourself. get your shit together, we start filming for season twenty one next week.”

he’s frozen in place as his mother slaps him, barely feeling the sting from it, but more so feeling her words, his cold gaze stuck on her as she grabs his chin and forces his gaze. and it’s her words that light a fire under him, that make him realize that it was his life, that he was going to show her, and the rest of the god damn world, he wouldn’t go down like this, even if he fell on his face a million times while trying. the sad, defeated expression leaves his face, jaw clenches as he grabs her wrist, pushing her hand off of him. “effective immediately, i’m off the show. for good. i will break any camera you try to put in my face.” he said through gritted teeth, only causing loud laughter from kathy. “oh you’re ‘off the show’?” she said, making air quotes. “i’m off the show. and i dont’ care about what fucking contracts you made me sign, go ahead and sue your own son, see what kind of publicity that gets you. you want to sue me for all that i’m worth? then keep my god damn money. i don’t need it and i don’t fucking want it. and i don’t want any part of this. i’m done with it and i’m done with you.” 

before he loses his nerve, he stands from the chair, feeling tears brimming in his eyes as he begins to storm out of her office, only hearing the heckling and laughter of kathy behind him. “sure, honey, i’ll see you in a week when you come to your senses.” she taunted, causing johnny to freeze in the doorframe for a moment before looking at her over his shoulder. “actually, i just came to my senses, for the first time in twenty eight fucking years.” he said, sticking up the middle finger at her as he stormed out of kennedy headquarters. 

after his meeting with his mother, he found himself in the mahogany office of his father’s golfclub. he and his father had never been close, but as soon as he made his way into the room, johnny had the breakdown that he had been holding back for far too long and like he was a little child, his father consoled him and held him in his arms. and for the first time, they had a moment. they sat and talked for hours, his father validating everything he was feeling, helping him come up with a course of action. after making a few phonecalls, he got johnny enrolled in a program at  the cours florent, the most prominent acting school in all of paris. he helped him pack up his things, drove him to the airport where he got him a one way ticket on a commercial flight out of hollywood and straight to paris and as he hugged his son goodbye, he left him with five words that johnny never thought he’d hear from his father.