Dear John,
Iāve been having a hard time coping with work lately. I burned myself out trying to prove I was worth more and now I donāt have anything to show for itāexcept I suppose bitterness. The realization itās a dead end I think is hitting me harder than I thought and only because I feel like I take on so much because people just want me to do certain things so itās right and I just think if you need me to do all these things just because why am I not reaping the benefits of being in high demand? With all that it feels like I shouldnāt be on a dead street. Yet here I am. I canāt help but take it personal. Iām trying not to. I know there are other factors too but at the end of the day, if they felt that way about me, they would make it happen. What makes it worse is that when I look for jobs there isnāt anything that checks any boxes for me. Also I have to redo my resume and given Iām not awash in the glow of mental heath itās hard to think of ways to sell myself. Obviously Iām not great. I burned myself out for nothing and now canāt get motivated to do anything. Then when I do get motivated itās like everything I do requires me to think for myself plus everyone Iām interacting with. No one else can function. Itās exhausting. Then I try to focus on something elseābut itās not working. I feel cornered and hopeless. And I wonder how other people deal with it. If they deal with it ā or if itās just me. But I donāt have anyone to talk to. Itās like I just end up cannibalizing my own thoughts until they turn sour. I actually spent a solid portion of one morning crying. I never cry. To the point I thought I couldnāt anymore. Maybe thatās part of the reason I started writing. The thought of you is comforting. Youāre whatever I want you to be. I could imagine what you would say. But part of the problem is I need an outside perspective. I canāt say one good thing about myself. I need to hear something. I want someone who knows me so well to say everything they love about me. But thereās nothing. Iām measuring myself by achievements. And I have nothing. I want something to show for something. Logically I know I shouldnāt - and normally I donāt - but after all the time Iāve spent working there - Iāve only achieved the bare minimum and I feel like Iāve given more than that. So is my best not good enough? Or do they not notice? Do they not care? Iām not sure- but I know what I tell myself. Itās me. Iām not good enough. Itās my fault. Everything bad is stable and internal. Everything else is temporary and external. I want that to stop. I donāt want to feel like that anymore - and I suppose I hope youād take that away. Or at least curb it a little. But thatās not fair either. That shouldnāt be anyone elseās responsibility. How desperately I want someone to tell me something good is proof I donāt deserve that. Iāll try to be better. Love, Jane
