#joffytalks

Good Evening Pissants

In my now two years on this wonderful site I appear to have met a lot of Americans. I know, woe is me, your pity is extremely welcome. However in that time I have come to realise the one overarching question they all seem to have, but refuse to ask because that would be too easy:

"What the bloody hell is a British? And why has this Scottish man just stabbed me for saying he was one?"

Well, worry no more! Healthcare is free here, so the hospital shall surely replace that now missing liver in roughly 2 to 3 hours of A&E waiting time! Oh, and yes I'll tell you what's "good in the hood" or whatever else someone from Boston might appropriate since they have too much free time on their hands.

To explain in short, "Britain" is defined as the constituent countries located on the island of Britain, thus being England, Wales and Scotland, and whatever those wankers in Birmingham pretend to be.

The "United Kingdom", however, is all of the queen's (she's still alive I swear) properties worldwide, including the aforementioned countries as well as "Northern Ireland" (That's a whole other topic, please do your utmost to never even guess with this one just say Irish and pray) as well as the Isle of Mann, Gibraltar, those little funny things the Brits stole.

Okay so, what's the British isles? That's the island and the surrounding islands (Ireland included). Right! So, is Ireland British? No, you're now in violation of three different treaties and 1203 years of warfare, and are being sentenced to death. Is the English channel British? No that's French and/or English, depending on who you hate least. Please ignore Guernsey, nobody actually lives there.

Now, the big one: Is Scotland British? This is the big one. See, it ranges massively from place to place, like literally from one mile to the other, as well as religion to religion (see also for further reading for next lesson: The Irish and Scots Protestant/Catholic divide), support of which football club (Celtics/Rangers is a Catholic/Protestant AND a Loyalist/Republican divide) and also is entirely dependent whether you have an English accent (If you do, you are an asshole and should be ashamed of being born. Yes I have one too, I hate myself every day for not being more Irish)

Scotland has a GIGANTIC movement and history of fierce independence, calling them British is like calling the Catalans or Basque "Spanish", or calling America "Fat Canada" but add on roughly 1000+ years of intense hatred on top of that, rather than the measly 250 odd that America has been larping as a cooler Mexico because they managed to romance Texas first with a Michael Jackson CD and the promises of a honeymoon to Cuba. Sounds like a nice marriage, no? Wrong, fuck you, Texas is the bane of my existence.

So, in conclusion, please for the love of God, Allahu, Yehudah, Ahura Mazda, Ra literally whoever

DO NOT USE THE WORD "BRITISH"

It's both a political football, and also a fistfight waiting to happen. The only people that use it in Britain are the English because we sing kumbaya and pretend to be united while the other 3 sharpen their cool CSGO battle-worn stat-trak karambits and pray for forgiveness in the coming slaughter they will inflict on us (and rightfully so, I sure hope they give us a good thrashing!)

Have a wonderful day, thank you for your time and see you next lesson for a short (50 pages) introduction to the Irish Divide, where I will surely make an arse of myself because I'm a plastic paddy and not the full bean.