Who cooks?neither of them tend to. joel has more cooking skills but take out is where it’s at, usually.

Who’s the messiest? The cleanest?joel is very messy because he does not even think about leaving a mess and michael kinda just leaves it until joel cleans it because michael couldn’t give a shit unless it’s really bad.

Who fixes the vehicle after a breakdown?joel! joel knows a lot about cars and their single fucking car is joel’s baby. he probably loves it more than michael. probably.

Living space has a leak! Who fixes it?despite joel’s claims, being an electrician is not the same as being a plumber. they call one in.

Who buys the groceries?michael. joel eats crap. but neither of them really buy anything terribly nutritious.

Going out to eat: Who pays? Who orders the most food? And who has dessert?michael and joel get into a fight about who is paying every single time. coin flips don’t even work. but it’s usually joel who orders the most food, because joel strikes me as a lame-ass appetizer guy, but michael will eat anything on the table. including joel’s food. and then dessert. and then whine about being too full.

Would they go to the beach?probably not. michael sunburns and then bitches. they ride in the car with all the windows down instead, blasting top 40s per michael’s request.

Who knows how to swim? Who doesn’t?they both know how to swim and michael likes pools a lot better than beaches.

Is someone multilingual? Do they try to teach another language to the other? How does it go?they do not know anything other than english because they are big baby nerds. joel mentions learning languages offhandedly and then never does.

First to orgasm? Last to orgasm? Who comes the most? Does someone ever end up unfinished?first to orgasm is usually michael, and joel prefers to make him cum until he’s crying because it’s either really funny or pretty hot. he’ll laugh either way. michael pays him back by occasionally teasing him until he’s on the edge and then leaving to play a video game or something. sex is pretty much war in their apartment.

Favourite romantic gestures during sex/orgasm?michael likes to sob out nonsensical loveliness to joel a lot. usually while being eaten out. joel has no clue if it’s involuntary or not.

How are their afterglows?joel usually falls asleep. michael has also fallen into the habit.

Who’s loud? Who’s quiet? Does one try to make the other louder/quieter? How?michael is obviously loud, and joel loves to make him loud. it’s always michael’s goal to make joel loud, as he’s pretty quiet, but joel bites to muffle his noises and sometimes those bites hurt like fuck, so he doesn’t try as often as he used to.

Lights on or off? Do they look at each other? Or is someone embarrassed?lights are pretty much what they were like before they started fooling around. it doesn’t matter, because joel has already completely memorized most of michael’s faces during sex.

"You're... you're kidding, right?" Adam asks, and his voice is high and hysterical and Joel's trying to wrap his head around why Adam is even laughing. "Michael? Michael Jones?"

"Yeah," Joel says. "Michael Jones."

"Michael Jones. From Achievement Hunter."

"Yeah, Michael Jones from Achievement Hunter. Seriously, Adam, what's so funny?"

That just sends Adam into another fit of laughing, and this is the kind of laughing Joel hears when they do How To's together. The kind of laughter where Adam is laughing at him. It's stupid, and it sounds stupid.

"Adam," Joel says. "Shut up. It's not funny. I’m not joking."

"I-it's just..." Adam has calmed down enough to talk, and run his hand over his beard. "Holy shit, Joel, isn't Michael fucking Geoff?"

"What? No." No, he'd know about that. Right? "Geoff's married. Geoff's married to Griffon. They're happy together. Why would he be fucking Michael?"

"Do you even watch Achievement Hunter videos?"

"Not usually." Sometimes. He mostly watches Rage Quits.

He watches other stuff, too. It's not just Rage Quits. Animated Adventures. Sometimes podcasts that he's not on. Shorts.

“Jesus, Joel, they practically fuck on the videos.”

“If they were doing that,” Joel says, and now he’s really getting annoyed. He could’ve talked to anyone else in the office and he chose Adam--that was dumb. Adam was kind of an asshole sometimes. “If they were doing that, I’m pretty sure those videos would’ve been taken down. Because YouTube isn’t exactly into porn on their websites.”

“Michael is practically in love with Geoff.”

“No,” Joel says. “You sound like some shipper, Adam, c’mon. Geoff is married.”

“I’m just saying,” Adam says. “You don’t exactly have a chance.”

“Is that a fucking challenge?” Joel asks.

Adam throws his hands up in mock defeat. He’s still grinning, though, so Joel knows Adam thinks this whole thing is a joke. “Sure, man,” Adam says. “It’s a challenge. Ask out Michael Jones. Come back and lemme know what he says.”

“What, now?” Wait. “I didn’t mean right now.”

“Yeah, right now,” Adam says. “What’s the matter? Are you scared?”

“He’s probably busy… or…”

“Joel, c’mon. It’ll take three minutes at most. Michael’s just a kid; what’s the worst thing he could do? Say no?”

Joel makes a frustrated noise and runs his hands over his face. “Adam,” he protests, but Adam is smiling like a shit-eating asshole. Because the whole thing’s funny. Joel’s over forty and Michael isn’t even thirty and Michael is like some fuckin’ redheaded cherub, with fuckin’ dimples and freckles and a laugh that makes Joel feel like he’s drunk without the burn of the alcohol, warm like the sun and full of clouds. He’s acting like a teenager over the smallest of things and Michael’s apparently in love with someone else and to Adam that’s hilarious.

Adam thinks he's joking. Well. He'll show him.

"Alright," Joel says finally. "Fine. I'll go ask him."

"You'll go ask him out?" Adam asks dubiously.

"I'm gonna go ask Michael Jones out."

"Out to where?"

Shit. "I don't know." Joel had slowly been pushing himself out of his chair, and now he sits back down heavily. "Out... to dinner?"

"Dinner where?"

"Adam," Joel snaps. "I understand you think you're trying to help, but you're not actually helping as much as you think."

"Joel," Adam returns. "I am helping. If you don't have everything figured out Michael is going to laugh at you." He says this with such confidence that it scares Joel a little bit. That makes a lot of sense. "See? Now, where are you taking Michael to dinner?"

"Um," Joel says. "Not... not anywhere fancy, right? Because that... that might be a little weird."

Adam nods encouragingly. This whole thing is weird. It's like some sort of fever dream.

The joke is that Adam is being somewhat helpful and that almost never happens.

"Probably somewhere casual," Joel continuing, fumbling a bit over his words because of the pause. "Somewhere like... I don't know. Applebee's."

That easily sends Adam into another fit of loud hysterics. He's practically crying; he wipes his eyes between gasps, choking out breathy nonsense. Joel just has to wait for it to be over. He tries talking again before Adam is totally calm and that just makes him laugh more.

"I-I..." Adam chokes out after what seems like ages; finally something that's intelligible. "I can't believe..."

"I don't know!" Joel says, throwing his hands in the air. "I don't know where to eat!"

"Don't say Applebee's as a default!" Adam sobs out. "Please, Joel. Do not take Michael Jones to Applebee's!"

-

“Hey, Joel,” Gavin says cheerily, passing him on his way back into the Achievement Hunter office. “What’s goin’ on?”

“Hi, Gavin,” Joel says, just fast enough to make it seem like he hadn’t been completely spaced out until Gavin showed up. Joel had been standing just to the side of the door for the better part of five minutes, anxiety rooting him to the spot like those spiky vines in cartoons that have some kind of consciousness. He couldn’t stop thinking, and that was the biggest problem.

“Michael’s just a kid; what’s the worst thing he could do? Say no?” And, yes, he could say no. He could also make fun of him. Mock him. Make him look like an idiot in front of all of Achievement Hunter, and break his heart, and laugh in his face.

So, actually, he was risking a lot and maybe he should just forget about it and go back--

“Hey, Joel, what’s up?” Michael says, peeking out into the hallway. His headphones are hanging casually around his neck, and in a tight long sleeved thermal he looks fuckin’ gorgeous. “Gavin, where the hell did you go?”

Joel is frozen on the spot. Gavin, on the other hand, is completely fine.

“To the loo!” Gavin says indignantly. “I said I was going to the loo!”

“Yeah, well, we were in the middle of recording something and then you disappeared so Ryan took your turn and now you’re losing. Come on.”

“Bollocks,” Gavin says. “Fine. I’m coming.”

“Wait,” Joel says, so suddenly it surprises even himself, and Michael and Gavin both look at him curiously. But he only has eyes for Michael, and his eyes are wide and panicked. When he speaks, it comes out in a jumbled rush. “Do you want to go out with me?”

There’s a pause.

Michael laughs. “Who, me?”

Joel hardly has the courage to nod.

“You’re kidding, right?” he says. Still snickering. “This is a joke for a How To?”

What.

“No,” Joel says, but it’s barely audible. Michael just shakes his head, still grinning.

“Joel, we got work to do, man,” he says, and he and Gavin disappear into the Achievement Hunter office.