#jobsfromhell

Not too long ago, I quit my well-paying office job. Not because I had another offer lined up, but because my goals didn't align with those of the company. Quitting without a safety net wasn't the best decision I ever made, but my poor life choices are a story for another time. Today that company no longer exists, so maybe it was better I left on my own terms.

I needed to secure an easy gig to tide me over financially while I sorted out my life. Something quick and dirty. Not too dirty, mind you. I was still a few tough months away from black market organ donation. I decided something in the realm of customer service would do nicely.

You’ll find the majority of customer service positions advertised on Craigslist and Kijiji will be sprinkled with terms like “opportunity to travel” and “energetic atmosphere.” On the surface, that sounds great. Who wouldn’t want to traverse the globe on the company’s dime while feeding off the positive energy of their coworkers? That sounds like a no-brainer. Except that job doesn’t exist. At least, not in the form of a customer service job being advertised on Craigslist or Kijiji. 

I learned the hard way. I’ve interviewed at some questionable places, and I’ve been conned into working for them more times than I care to mention. For your convenience, here are the most common terms you’ll come across in your search for a “quick fix” job, and what they actually mean.

Opportunity to travel

Oh no, you’ll be a door-to-door salesperson. Yes, opportunity to travel is less about jet-setting from one metropolis to another, and more about riding shotgun with a man named Bryce, who abandons you in a remote Toronto suburb so you can harass residents for 8 hours a day. 

People skills

Be comfortable with invasive human interaction. You’ll be stuck telemarketing or begging for money door-to-door. You’re usually required to follow a script, which is good news if you’d prefer a more structured way to harass another human. The skill you will most frequently develop is the ability to cope with constant rejection. 

Entrepreneurial spirit 

Become an amoral commission fiend. Your job depends on your ability to hit arbitrary sales goals, ethics be damned. After all, your aim will be to stonewall people until you have their money, and that takes a special kind of jerk. Ideal for people who also like to “travel” and have decent “people skills.” 

Driven to succeed

Success is the goal, and people are just obstacles. You’ll be expected to steamroll through your clients, cold calls, and coworkers without a hint of remorse. The fewer interpersonal relationships you can build, the better. Compassion for other humans will only slow you down. 

Strong communication skills

Enjoy verbal bullying. Always talk over or at people, never with. Does the prospect of berating someone into submission with your words sound appealing? Then congratulations, you’d make a great candidate for sterilization. Also, you’d feel right at home in a job like this.

Energetic atmosphere

Get used to an overcrowded call centre. You’ll spend your workday competing with the disembodied chatter of a hundred other people. There’s a good chance you won’t even have the privacy of a cubicle. 

Start today 

Extremely high turnover. The ideal candidates for this position are unemployed and ready to work immediately. They usually last a week before the novelty wears off and the reality of their horrible job sets in. Same applies if you end up at a place that pays wages on a weekly basis. 

All training will be provided

The bar is low. Very low. If you dressed yourself for the interview, and didn’t once swallow your tongue during it, you’ll be hired on the spot. Even applicants with brain death are given strong consideration, it seems. Training consists of using a phone, reading a script, and ignoring the soul-crushing despair of working in a call centre. 

Not bound by the typical 9 to 5 structure 

Work 10-hour days. You thought this one meant you could make your own hours, didn’t you? Maybe sleep in a little and make up the time? Nope. You’ll be expected to work late every day. Plus you’ll be encouraged (read: heavily pressured) to work beyond that. Your “driven” and “entrepreneurial” coworkers will push 12 hours, easily. 

Fast-Growing Company

We don’t feel comfortable advertising our company name in public because we have such a dubious reputation. This goes without saying, but if the posting fails to mention the company name, run. They are hiding something more than just a generic company name.

Story time! One day I felt like springing one such trap, so asked the representative of a mysterious corporate entity to provide me with their company name. Here’s how the email conversation went:

“Wednesday at 2 sounds great. Can I have the company name and address?”

“Here are the TTC instructions...” [Lists directions to office]

“Thanks for the details. Could you please provide me with the company name so I can do a little research beforehand?”

“our website is currently waiting to be up we have opened ahead of schedule” (Yes, the bullshit rationale was written in all lowercase with no punctuation.)

“Just the company name is fine. I can collect information on my own. Could you please let me know?”

“Next Decision Marketing we are also associated with dreamchasers unlimited” (Again, grammatically questionable.)

A little digging lead me to a Facebook page for Dreamchasers, a company that had amassed a whopping 27 Likes in two years. Plus, I encountered Next Decision Marketing in a job search two years ago when they almost hired me to work for a door-to-door scam factory called Ontario Consumers Home Services. Small world, really. A small, deceptive, frustrating world.